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April 30, 2005

THE RUNAWAY BRIDE

Without knowing anything specific about this situation, this blog would just like to say that if we were facing a giant wedding with 600 guests, 14 bridesmaids and 14 groomspersons, we would run away, too.

DROP THAT BURRITO AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP

(Thanks to many people)

URGENT BREAKING NEWS UPDATE AND EXCELLENT BAND NAME FROM MYSORE

Beware of the Hooch Menace.

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Will be sent to this motorist.

ATTENTION, PRODUCE SHOPPERS

Be careful.

April 29, 2005

THE MIDDLE EAST

it's flaring up again.

THE NEWS FROM PERU

There are ribbits of joy down there.

(Yes, we are aware that "The Ribbits of Joy" WBAGNFARB)

YOUR DAILY BREAKING-NEWS UPDATE FROM MYSORE

Things in Mysore remain calm.

ATTENTION, WOMEN WHO ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WITH A PLAYFUL, CHILDLIKE SIDE

We have located your man.

AND STILL THE SO-CALLED "DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY" DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE CAN ALL BREATHE EASIER

Now that this man has been picked up apprehended.

(Thanks to numerous people)

April 28, 2005

THE HOLY SPIRIT

Sometimes it works in mysterious ways.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NOTE: This item mysteriously disappeared and/or became Vulcan mind-melded with the item below. We apologize for any inconvenience this causes, although if this kind of thing.truly inconveniences you, you need to get a life.

UPDATE FROM MYSORE

Calm has returned to Mysore.

FUN DUDE OF THE DAY

We bet this guy is a riot at parties.

April 27, 2005

THE WOMAN WHO CRIED FINGER

...only made it tougher for the truly-gross-fast-food-finger-ingredient sufferer.

(Thanks to Sondra Anderson)

DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?

(Thanks to Sondra Anderson)

GOSH, WE FEEL JUST TERRIBLE

I'm sure you must have read about netiquette rule #1

https://www.kassj.com/netiquette/netiquette.html#1


TYPING IN ALL CAPS MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE SHOUTING

It also makes reading much more difficult. While I am a fan of the blog, I was seconds away from unsubscribing to the RSS feed (because I cant read the ALL CAPS headlines) when I decided I'd email in first. So please please please let go of the CAPS LOCK key!

Thank you!

-Jason

ALL RIGHT, ALREADY

We didn't mean to read it! And we swear we don't remember a thing.

(Thanks to Scott Zetlan)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

THE ROCK BOTTOM REMAINDERS

...take it to the streets.

(NOTE: The video is on the lower half of the page, and does not involve semi-naked women.)

(Thanks to M. Powell and, possibly, Cheryl Howard)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using foam.

Note: Deanna Dong? Really?

(Thanks to xmnr)

YOU KNOW HOW, WHEN YOU HEAR ABOUT SOMEONE HAVING HEAD LICE, YOUR HEAD STARTS TO ITCH?

If you do: Do NOT read this story.

(Thanks to Mike Leone, who will pay)

FASHION NEWS MAKING NEWS

Here's a new low in stylist-client relationships.

(Thanks to Jay Leno's Research Department) (and a big ol' sad face that nobody else sent this in) (to The Blog, of all people) (not that we would comment on his haircut) (if we know what's good for us)

MEDICAL NEWS MAKING NEWS

Here's a new low in doctor-patient relationships.

WE KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN BREATHLESSLY AWAITING THIS MOMENT

The Canadian results are in!

Key Quote: Crane has a VIP Flush that moves 725 grams, but a change in the bowl from another model moves it down to 350 grams. One Eljer Patriot flushes 425 grams, another 150. One American Standard Cadet moves 750 grams, but two others flush 125 and 150 grams.

BREAKING NEWS FROM MYSORE

The situation in Mysore is completely out of control.

Key Quote: What more, this litter was witnessed by none other than IGP Kempaiah and Rural Development Minister Dr. H.C. Mahadevappa, who went to Karanji Lake for a fresh morning walk un-aware of the fact that all the hype of lake being neat and tidy is only on paper.

April 26, 2005

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using buffalo.

IT'S TIME TO LOWER OUR NATIONAL PRODUCTIVITY

Let's all play: Name that Gizmo!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE WE MISSED THIS STORY

Somebody needs to hold some kind of Worm-Farm-Aid concert. Feel free to organize it yourself. We are pretty busy.

Key Quote: "All I could do was stand there and see 200 million worms go to an honorable death."

AND THE SO-CALLED "DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY" DOES NOTHING

Snails from Space!

TODAY'S UPDATE OF NEWS SPARKLERS FROM MYSORE

Things are pretty quiet.

ATTENTION, PEOPLE PLANNING TO USE TOILETS IN SAN ANTONIO

Wear body armor.

(Thanks to everybody)

SOUTH INDIA: COMPLETELY OUT OF ITS MIND?

We report; you avoid South India.

24 RECAP, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED LAST NIGHT'S SHOW BECAUSE YOU HAD BETTER THINGS -- BY WHICH WE MEAN ANYTHING -- TO DO

The terrorists are in deep poop now.

April 25, 2005

24

Our story so far: Marwan, evil terrorist mummy genius mastermind and Home Depot customer, has once again outwitted the entire U.S. Intelligence apparatus, which turns out to be not as hard as we might have hoped, because the U.S. intelligence apparatus is constantly being distracted by subplots. Marwan's men now have gotten hold of a nuclear missile and – what is worse – a pickup truck. Jack Bauer is still doing his best to catch up to Marwan by torturing people as fast as humanly possible, but one man, acting alone, can break only so many fingers and shoot holes in only so many thighs.

Meanwhile Acting President Nervous Breakdown is in his bunker, acting nervous, perhaps because he and his top aide are always bathed in red underlighting, which suggests that everywhere they go there are unseen men crouching in front of them with red lights.

On the plus side, this week we expect to see the return of former President AllState Spokesperson. Also Dodge may still be having a Spring Sales Event. But there has been no word for two weeks on the new Victori's Secret IPEX model assault brassiere. We are, frankly, concerned.

Update: This torture thing, as it so often does with young lovers, is coming between Audrey and Jack.

Update: The terrorists have taken the missile to Iowa! So there's really no threat.

Update: The terrorists have to reconfigure the trigger mechanism to make it compatible. This will take an hour, so apparently Windows Service Pack 2 is involved.

Update: President Nervous, having to choose between catching the terrorists with the nuclear missile and catching Jack Bauer, has decided to go after Jack.

Update: This is weird. They're showing a COMMERCIAL with PRESIDENT ALLSTATE IN IT. Any minute now we could see a commercial with MARWAN. Maybe at Home Depot.

Update: Terror girlfriend got right through to Chloe on the telephone. Suuuuuure.

Update: For a nuclear terrorist, Marwan has really excellent teeth.

Update: Could our government possibly be this stupid? Hey! What am I saying?

Update: Marwan got away AGAIN. If they ever catch that guy, they should put him in charge of figuring out what to do about Social Security.

Update: Infiniti has a new car, the "M." That is a lame-ass name for a car.

Update: Dodge is still having a Spring Sales Event!

Update: I think President Nervous just wet himself.

Update: They're calling former President AllState. They must have got this idea from last week's preview of this week.

Update: They just showed a Windows commercial. Coincidence? I think not.

Update: I think Edgar and Chloe should just give in to their lust for each other and do it right on Edgar's keyboard.

Update: I think the warhead software uses iTunes.

Update: Mercedes has an "M" class. What's the deal with "M"? Is that the only letter these car manufacturers know?

Update: Oooh. Chloe is attached to a "mobile unit."

Update: Did she say they're using a "blowfish" algorithm? WAIT! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT CHLOE!

Update: Chloe can't find the car keys. What a ditz.

Update: I take that back, about Chloe. Do NOT mess with Chloe, is my advice.

Update: In next week's episode, Jack says -- and this is a direct quote -- "Let's suit up."

URGENT 24 UPDATE

We have received this exclusive preview of tonight's episode, and it is a shocker.

(Thanks to Ken and Carrie Cook)

STILL MORE NEVER-CEASING WONDERS

(Thanks to Dan Means)

URGENT 24 UPDATE

No wonder Marwan is such an evil terrorist. He's also the Mummy.

Key Quote: "I was in Home Depot the other day," he recalled with a laugh, "and I was looking at samples of something for redoing my house, and I heard somebody in another aisle say, 'I've spotted Marwan! I've spotted Marwan! Call Jack Bauer!' "

That's right: MARWAN GOES TO HOME FREAKING DEPOT.

(Thanks to Eleanor Silvers)

ATTENTION, EXTREMELY WEALTHY GEEKS

Have we got an auction item for you!

(Thanks to Jeff Bridges)

TOURISM ADVICE

When visiting Milwaukee, it's best to take your own food.

(Thanks to Scott Cook)

TOURIST DESTINATION OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Meghan Butler)

WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE?

Apparently not.

(Thanks to Emily and Hilary Maurin)

HEY, MAN... WANNA DO SOME EMAIL?

(Via Gizmodo)

DON'T GO CHANGIN'....

To try and please her.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

LOCUSTS

Did anybody watch Locusts last night? I tried, but, I'm sorry, it's hard to get into a mood of fear and dread of an impending menace when the menace is in the form of a critter you can easily squash into goo with a standard thesaurus, and the lead scientist fighting this menace is Xenia the Warrior Princess. I fell asleep and never did find out who won, though I was definitely rooting for the critters.

Anyway, the good news is that tonight we return to high-quality hardcore realism.

ALARMING TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using exploding toads.

Key Quote from Werner "Werner Smolnik" Smolnik: It is like "a science fiction film", according to Werner Smolnik.

(Thanks to nine zillion alarmed people)

CULTURAL UPDATE

Apparently in other countries, parades are more recreational.

(Thanks to Loran Waldron)

April 23, 2005

OK, SO THERE ARE NO FINGERS IN WENDY'S CHILI

But that does not mean that consumers can let their guards down.

WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS

...is political leaders with creative vision.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

April 22, 2005

TAKING THE IPEX CHALLENGE

The Evolution by Margarita, for the "natural cosmetically enhanced look."

Key quote from the press release, sent in by Jo:

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL - April 22, 2005 - Women who lust after the look of cosmetic breast implants can strap on an eye-fooling alternative this summer with the new "Evolution by Margarita" bra, designed by Brastraps.com founder Margarita Reis.

Evolution is a revolutionary five-in-one underwire, convertible bra made of a smooth microfiber nylon/Lycra spandex mix. It features a sculpted, graduated cup specially designed to mimic the appearance of cosmetic breast implants by lifting and slightly separating each breast to appear fuller and firmer both in and out of clothing.

 
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