ADVISORY TO SINGLE GUYS CONCERNING THE KIND OF THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A GUY WHEN HE GETS MARRIED

One thing that can happen is, your wife is having a party with a disco theme, and her cousin flies in from out of town, and your wife and her cousin go to a store that specializes in vintage clothing, and they come home with outfits, made from 185 percent polyester, that they want you and your wife's cousin's husband to wear. And if you think that you have a choice in these matters, then you know nothing about married life.

Comments

[Marvin]

I dunno, you don't seem to be all that displeased. Is that the Grimace of Concession?

[insomniac]

...and the outfits will never deteriorate either ...

[Danny Ocean]

Dave: Ted Nugent called. He wants his shirt back.

[wordsure]

And the problem would be?

[Kilmeny]

Dave, I love the shoes. Pat Boone was so generous to lend them to you.

[SteveB]

Love the shoes.
And that palm tree sticking out of your butt really adds to the effect.

[Marvin]

I almost feel like this should go under the AND THE SO-CALLED "DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY" CONTINUES TO DO NOTHING heading.

[Reddsuss]

I especially like the glasses. So Dave, how was the party?

[D'Artagnan]

Yo, Dave, that looks just hopping groovy, man.

And you showed great restraint in not elevating the arms more fully.

[Sean]

Dave's self esteem,
Is melting, in the dark..
He doesn't know if he can take it,
I guess that he'll just have to fake it..
Cause he'll never wear these disco clothes again..
Oh,nooooooo......

[Blogchik]

Groooooooooooooooooovy, dude.

Excellent.

Oh, and notice: Dave's shirt isn't blue! Woo hoo!

[Polly]

Dave,

Time to call the Cabana Boy in to clean the pool.

[A. Powers]

Yeah, baby! Yeah!

[GDogg]

I dunno, I think they look pretty sharp. Wearing synthetic fabrics in Florida's climate can't be much fun though.

[Sean]

Dave,whether you're a mother or whether your a brother,you are staying alive..Staying alive..

[DougBo]

The potted palm needs iron.
The poinciana is making for too much pool maintenance.
Please return the white shoes to the elderly Canadian tourist on the Beach.
YOU ROCK, DAVE!

[Marvin]

Nothing says disco! like plastic patio furniture and brick walkways...

[insomniac]

We are ... two wild and crazy guys !!!

It's not Dave and his cousin to blame
For playing the wife's dress-up game
Though the clothing's synthetic
And the eyewear's pathetic
Deep down, it 'works', just the same!

[philintexas]

Dave: It must have been some secret nationwide female thing...Embarrass Your Husband Day or something. My wife made me go to a Outrageous Hat Tea at her friend's tea room. There's nothing like being the only guy in a room full of pre-menopausal women. I did get to break a record for mass consumption of tiny tea sandwiches though... Probably won't be invited to the next one....oh well

[long tall texan]

that looks like some sleazy hotel in the background.

now I'm REALLY worried.

sleazy hotel + dirty pool + two guys going through a mid-life crisis = not a good combination

[Sondra]

Dude,

You've never looked sexier! (on the blog)

I'm sure it's all about attitude. It certainly isn't about the clothes.

[Cheri]

"Starsky and Hutch" do Miami.... then get cancelled.

[Christobol]

I'm jealous. When we did our disco party, the "vintage" stores around here didn't have any actual 185% polyester clothing from the 70s. We had to make do with imitation polyester clothing.

Still - one of the really fun things at such a party (or at a wedding reception when they throw in some disco) is there are always a couple people who can totally disco, and it's always a surprise.

"Did you see Dick Cheney doing the Travolta?"
"Yeah! Never would have guessed!"

[MOTW]

A personal friend of yours?

[Sondra]

Oh, wait. You're the one on the right. Um, :-)

[DougBo]

Dave-
Be sure to save photo for use
in the 2008 campaign.
"Barry 2008- because he's not Hillary"

[tyler]

Dave, I hope you know you are blowing your chances at getting elected to the papacy wearing that outfit to the conclave, what were you thinking?

[Higgy]

Dave - shouldn't you have some manly chest-hair rug sticking out of the top of that shirt?

[insomniac]

Pope Disco Dave = Evaded Piscopo

[Sondra]

Party? Beer? Pool? Maybe you won't hafta wear those clothes for long.

[MOTW]

'niac - LOL! That one needs to go in the record book.

[Lairbo]

A "Disco Dave" action figure (it's not a doll. Is not! would be a big hit. You could also dress it in the more traditional "Dave Barry at Work" ensemble: bathrobe, socks, boxer shorts, worst hairday, ever; posed sitting, holding a cup of coffee and staring at a blank computer screen.

[DougBo]

Lairbo-
Your idea and Chistolbol's editing could make for
fun. C-bol, ya watching?

[golfwidow]

I forget - have the Mythbusters tested the effects of microwaves on gold lamé yet?

(It occurs to me that there might be a reason that "lamé" is only "lame" with an accent aigu.)

[DougBo]

Forget Mythbusters; the guys at "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" called:
They want their clothing back!

[Sondra]

Dave,

You're my new desktop display.

You replaced a picture of Ben Stiller in his Starsky outfit. Or did he play Hutch? Never saw the show, loved the movie.

Retro desktops Rule!!

[Balanchine]

You see why I've never married.

[JJ]

Now all you need is a fake mustache and a big old, obligatory chain (think: Magnum, now think bling bling -- yes you have Magnum 2005) and you're golden.

[Brainy Jello]

I'm guessing the crap-cam is in the shop for repairs.

[Fort]

I was really hoping disco was dead.

I volunteer to take it out and shoot it if necessary.

~neener~

[Kodak moment]

Brainy Jello, the crap-cam is currently visiting the loo - time to take a load off.

[MOTW]

Jeff, I thought of Crocodile Rock, complete with cape, feathers, and outrageous glasses.

[Charlotte]

Wow, couldn't have found you a blue disco shirt? I'm confused by different colors on Dave.

[Jack Torrance]

Whats with Elton John's teeth anyway? Even if he IS British, he's got a few dollars to spend on cosmetic dentistry. I mean, it's not like he is picky about what he puts in his mouth.

[Christobol]

Dougbo - I do not have that exact image on file. However, judi sent me this a few weeks back (as part of an ongoing national security project of which we can not speak).

[elle]

Dave, you're posing with all the enthusiasm of a father at his daughter's fourth wedding.

[Wurm42]

Dougbo- Actually, the guys at Queer Eye called to say that Dave's been moved to the top of the list for a code-red emergency makeover.

They only want the shirt so they can burn it.

[morty]

eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

[qetzal]

Lairbo,

I'd buy a Dave at Work action figure! (Or should that be 'inaction figure'?)

Does you plan to offer Large Main Dog and Emergency Back-up Dog accessories? As I recall from several of Dave's columns, they are integral to the creative process.

[queensbee]

disco, disco duck..... dave, ya look just far out. hope you havent gotten an earworm from listening to 70s music.... dancin, yeah!

[bee gees]

*cue light show*

"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I’m a woman’s man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I’ve been kicked around
Since I was born.
And now it’s all right. it’s ok.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The new york times’ effect on man.

Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,
You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Feel the city breakin’ and everybody shakin’,
And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive."

[Wurm42]

Dave Barry...disco party...hmmmm

So the entire soundtrack for this party came from "Dave' Barry's Book of Bad Songs," right?

And since Dave posted the picture on the blog, does that mean that outfit is a business expense?

[David]

You guys looks like you're ready to sit on the Match Game Panel with Charles Nelson Reilly...

[Writer's Cramp]

I'd just go with what the wife picked out since it looks pretty cool. Given the "guys must outdo each other" rule you might have left with your wife's cousin to pick out 70's costumes and come back as Sonny and Cher. Things could have gotten really ugly.

[DougBo]

Sign of the apocolypse #3458

[David]

You guys looks like you're ready to sit on the Match Game Panel with Charles Nelson Reilly...

[tyler]

Dave, it sounds as if you are trying to blame that outfit on your wife and her cousin, but we all know you pulled those clothes out of your closet. And we also know you were not forced to wear them, but were glad to have a chance to relive the good old days.

As a younger wiseman once told me- "You don't got to lie to kick it with us." So c'mon and be real, OG.

[cubie]

I absolutely LOVE it! I hoped you played plenty of Bee Gees and Gloria Gaynor and Donna Summer, and oh, let's not forget the Village People!!

[Lairbo]

qtzl:

Dogs sold separately (some assembly required; batteries not included; professional on closed track; don't try this at home).

The base model of the Dave Barry Action Figure would be him in the blue Hawaiian shirt that, according to photographic evidence, he wore every day for the entire year of 2004. Maybe longer, the boys at the lab are still running tests.

Honestly, Dave, get the Guide to Guide movie people on this, stat! Collateral sales items is how George Lucas made all his money.

[tropichunt.com guy]

Holy Crap-Shirt!

[U.O]

PLASTIC (Shel Silverstein said it best ...)

Now a little bitty termite, he come knockin',
Knockin' at my front door,
He walked right in, sat right down
Started nibblin' on the kitchen floor
He chewed on the walls and the ceilings and the halls --
Lord knows he tried --
But he kept a-gettin' thinner
And he never got no dinner
And finally he sat up and cried...

He said, "It's plastic, good Lord, it's plastic!
I know it ain't no wood
And it can't do me no good,
Because it's plastic -- and you can't eat plastic,
Everything's gonna be plastic by and by!"

Then one afternoon in the month of June
I went down to the beach.
There were cuties and beauties in little bathin' suities
And all of them within my reach.
Then a 38-24-36 miss just happened to be passin' my way.
I said, "Please don't think I'm nervy, but you look so very curvy
Please tell me how you got that way!"
She said, "It's plastic -- it's only plastic,
It's pretty as can be, but you know that it ain't me,
Because they're plastic, oh yes they're plastic,
Everything's gonna be plastic by and by."

BTW - I once owned a tie, and the label said Genuine Imported Polyester

I am NOT making this up!

[U.O]

PLASTIC (Shel Silverstein said it best ...)

Now a little bitty termite, he come knockin',
Knockin' at my front door,
He walked right in, sat right down
Started nibblin' on the kitchen floor
He chewed on the walls and the ceilings and the halls --
Lord knows he tried --
But he kept a-gettin' thinner
And he never got no dinner
And finally he sat up and cried...

He said, "It's plastic, good Lord, it's plastic!
I know it ain't no wood
And it can't do me no good,
Because it's plastic -- and you can't eat plastic,
Everything's gonna be plastic by and by!"

Then one afternoon in the month of June
I went down to the beach.
There were cuties and beauties in little bathin' suities
And all of them within my reach.
Then a 38-24-36 miss just happened to be passin' my way.
I said, "Please don't think I'm nervy, but you look so very curvy
Please tell me how you got that way!"
She said, "It's plastic -- it's only plastic,
It's pretty as can be, but you know that it ain't me,
Because they're plastic, oh yes they're plastic,
Everything's gonna be plastic by and by."

BTW - I once owned a tie, and the label said Genuine Imported Polyester

I am NOT making this up!

[U.O]

More plastic crap!

My bad!

Sorry

[MrDeath]

Play that funky music, white boy!

[igloo]

Dave,
It must have been one whooper of a party. You slept through blog day yesterday. Although I can feel your pain since I am also 58 and recently attended a "disco themed" party. The pain still has not gone away.

[bangi]

*giggle*

cuti-licous

[qetzal]

igloo,

I was in high school during the disco era, and I don't think the pain will ever go away.

[Irene]

What? No Nehru jacket or Dashiki?!?

Oh. Wait a minute. That was the 60s. I must have blanked out for a while. I can't remember ...

[Hyde]

You crack me up!

[LeisureSuitLarry]

What's all the big deal about disco duds. Man...I still have my 1972 Lime Green Polyester Leisure suit. It's the best way to get chicks you can imagine.

[igloo]

So your wife's cousin's husband is Eddie Haskell?

[Eleanor]

cuti-licous
Posted by: bangi on April 18, 2005 12:56 PM

That's exactly what I thought, bangi - they're adorable!!!

[slyeyes]

eeek. The guy on the left kinda looks like my prom date back in the day.

[Doug]

Dave, I hope you know what kind of sick perverted weirdos are out there in Cyberland who will no doubt be tempted to tamper with this glorious, dignified picture of you and your wife's cousin's husband, and perhaps even change your face out for a monkey's or, even worse, Michael Jackson's, because there are definitely a lot of those kind of people around.

I'm just lookin' out for you, buddy.

[D'Artagnan]

Doug, have you met Christobol?

[lisa.desjardins]

psst - guys who insulted furniture and plants - That could very well be Dave's back yard. If you had to throw your furniture in the pool every day from August thru October, wouldn't you be looking at something cheap and plastic.

And Dave - wow on the thighs.

[sandy beach]

Eddie Haskell? I thought that was Barry Manilow.

[cheesewiz]

What do you get if you cross Stephen King and Liberace?

[U.O]

You're looking very nice today, Mrs. Cleaver ...

DEFinitely, Eddie Haskell ...

[U.O]

You're looking very nice today, Mrs. Cleaver ...

DEFinitely, Eddie Haskell ...

[punky brewster]

H - O - T, HOT!

You boys should dress like that more often ... it does wonders for your physiques ... I can only imagine how cute your tush must look in those pants ... give us girls a rear shot, would ya?

[D'Artagnan]

P U N K Y ! ! ! !

Holy cow, she's on the main blog, even.

And Polly, too!

[Mr.Fishair]

I wonder if they got a 10% Discount for being locals?

[Doug]

Dart: I have not ever been afforded the great pleasure of meeting Mr. C-Bol in person, but I am indeed aware of his outstanding work.

Also, I'll bet you didn't know I once found a $20 at the Rose Parade!

[D'Artagnan]

$20 ought to buy you a bus ride to Indiana, where, on a good day, a meeting the likes of which you speak can surely be arranged.

[Angie]

My eyes! Dear god, MY EYES!!!

[u.o]

Sandy B. --

Eddie had his hair straightened ... look at those beady little eyes, that sneering upper lip, the slimy personality just oozes out from the screen ... a smarmy, sycophantic ...

OMG! That's Dave's wife's cousin's husband !!!

Sorry. My bad. Ignore above comments ...

(Is that a record? Three possive apostrophes in a row? Nah, prolly not a record, but not bad for ad libitum, eh?)

[Addicted to 24]

Remember fashion goes in circles. When sophie is in highschool she is going to want to borrow that shirt.

[akgirl]

Haven't been here in a while and THIS is what I come back to??????

[Eve]

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)

[Eve]

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)

[U.O]

akgirl!!!!!

Welcome back!!!!

(You shoulda been here last week ... it was even ... better ... ?)

[Christobol]

Doug! D'Art! What are you thinking? I would never do such a thing. I mean, I have a picture of Dave from after the party, but I won't post it, because it would be wrong.

[lurker]

Man, I hope nobody tried to light a cigarette around those shirts...

You'd see another '70's icon, Johnny Storm, the Human Torch.

[u.o]

C-bol --

So that's what Dave was hiding under all that polyester ... gives new meaning to the phrase "bad hair day" ...

[Doug]

To steal a line: C-Bol, you are the height of just-too-muchery.

[Doug]

Thank you for being who you are.

[Don]

If you two guys get any closer, the shirts will start reproducing all by themselves.

[Renee]

Weren't you the guys who hit on me at the Sheraton hotel bar on my 21st birthday!

[etc.]

That's worse than putting doll clothes on cats and small dogs.