Dave Barry's Blog

THE FINE ARTS

Some big things are happening.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, out there in the field being alert)

ATTENTION, MUSICIANS AND DISC JOCKEYS

You NEED this.

(Via Gizmodo)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

This is scary.

Key Quote: But insect dung it was not.

ATTENTION, HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS

Trying to decide where to go to college? You might want to consider a school that's HOT HOT HOT.

(Thanks to Dan Moore)

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're taking away our right to have babies while we're driving.

(Thanks to everyone)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: The King-Sized Coprolites!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SCARIEST HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR FOR GUYS

WHY EVERYBODY SHOULD CARRY A TOILET PLUNGER AT ALL TIMES

Because you never know.

A NEWER, LOWER LOW

Really. A lower low than we can even imagine. A low so low that if you click this link, you'll be truly, deeply sorry.

You think we're kidding but we're not.

Please note that this story is from Canada.

(Thanks to Scott Cook)

QUESTIONS

Can anybody explain why disc jockeys are considered to be musical artists? I mean, aren't they basically playing records? Why does that require more artistic skill than, say, operating a toaster? I can understand why the people who make recordings are considered musical artists. But why does the DJ get credit for playing them? Isn't that kind of like making photocopies of the Mona Lisa and claiming you're an artist? I honestly would appreciate an answer. Although I suspect the answer is: "Dave, you are 275 years old."

Update: After reading the comments -- some of which are quite thoughtful, for this blog, anyway -- I think I need to clarify something. I'm not talking about radio DJs, who are unpretentious about what they do (at least the ones I know are). I'm talking about people like this. And I admit I may be totally wrong, and they may be terrific musical artists. I just don't get why. (I know, I know: Because I am 275 years old.)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY

This is a new low.

(Thanks to Paul Levine)

Whoops. judi already posted this. One of these days I am going to have to start reading my blog.

ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET

Alert Reader Dan McDonald writes:

If I'm not mistaken, Dave wrote a column back in 1995 about a Daoist philosopher lifting heavy objects, ahem, "with his Packwood."

From the column:

The article states that Chan credited his ability to the "breakthrough insights" he had into Daoist philosophy. He claimed that he had 25 disciples, "and most of them could lift up to 13 kg with their private parts." There is no mention of a workout video.

Well, you know THAT was too good to last. Presenting, the workout video.

THERE IS A GOD II

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

THERE IS A GOD

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

SAD NEWS FROM INUYAMA

Buenos the Especially Old Spider Monkey has gone to that Big Tree in the Sky.

DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK BEFORE BREAKFAST

In fact, do not click on this link, period. That is all.

(Thanks to Bill Geraghty)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Ribbit

ANOTHER SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE: WING DOES ABBA

1. Go here.

2. Click on "Dancing Queen."

3. Shoot yourself in the head.

("Thanks" to Sacha Denison)

Update: This is also very moving.

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

...we cracked down on these lawless desperado criminals with their lawless criminal sidewalks with too much rose coloring.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WRONG WITH WORKING FOR THE MIAMI HERALD

We don't have lockers.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

FORGET ABOUT HYBRID CARS

Here is the transportation mode of the Future. (In the Future, many people will find themselves racing after squirrels.)

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

Update: Hmmmm. Some commenters are saying the link doesn't work. It still works for me, but what do I know? If it doesn't work for you, I'm sorry.

Update: OK, I changed the link to one provided by commenter thirdman.

24

I'm probably going to miss 24 tonight. This is a really bad night to miss, because as I recall, (1) Jack is in extreme AND immediate danger; (2) Carol Channing may or may not have been shot; (3) Audrey is crying; and (4) Edgar has just given Chloe the CalTrans interface, and I do not believe he was wearing a condom.

Also of course the president in danger.

So I am counting on you good people to keep an eye on things and post updates here. Or not! That's why we love the Internet: Nobody is really accountable.

TEXAS POLITICIANS

Not afraid to stand up for what they believe in; never too busy to fight for what's right.

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

AIN'T IT THE WAY, AGAIN

If it's not the secretary, it's the fact-checker.

(Thanks to, possibly, the fact-checker, because he asked to remain anonymous)

UPBEAT NEWS HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Don Adams)

ATTENTION, LADIES TRYING TO RESIST THE ALLURE OF A MAN FROM INDIA

You might as well give up the fight.

Update: Ooops. There's more.

(Thanks to many many many people, starting with someone named HospSlsGuy)

PROFILES IN COURAGE: CAMERON DIAZ

Our heroine comes face-to-face with a lion and a giant toilet-swelling millipede.

(This is assuming that millipedes have faces.)

Key Quote: "I was over going to the bathroom out at this crocodile facility that we're at."

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2038

They're shooting bunnies in SoCal.

(Thanks to many people)

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

So I was grazing, as guys do, in a technology store yesterday, and I overheard a salesperson trying to sell a cell phone to an older couple (by "older," I mean "older than I am," which is extremely old) and at one point he told them that the phone he was holding in his hand had all of Spider-Man 2 loaded into its memory. This raised two questions in my mind:

(1) Who in the world would watch Spider-Man 2 ON A TELEPHONE?

(2) Why did I immediately want this phone?

DON'T THROW AWAY THOSE STINGING JELLYFISH!

They taste great with lime juice.

WE DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS

"...the hellebores are coming."

LOBSTER INTELLIGENCE

UH-oh.

(Thanks to Shawn Morris)

OH, COME ON!

This can't be for real.

(Thanks to Kendall Avery)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY FOR WEIRDOS

(Thanks again to Mahatma Jane)

LOBSTERS IN THE NEWS

Let's hope Donovan doesn't get on the wrong truck and wind up in Reno.

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

OK, so why exactly is this a bad thing?

SCARY ANIMAL LOCOMOTION NEWS UPDATE

Turns out vampire bats go running.

UPDATE: Walking whales!

(Thanks to Brook Enger and Esther)

BASEBALL NEWS

O'er the raaaaaaaaammmmmparts we watched...

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane)

KILLER DEER UPDATE

It's worse than we thought.

(Thanks to Doug Boeringer)

Update: The alligators are fighting back.

(Thanks to Mike Hapner)

QUESTION: DO SOME PEOPLE HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF SPARE TIME?

Answer: yes.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're attacking us with avalanche-control shells.

(Thanks to William F. Cook)

A NEW LOW

Now they're assaulting the Easter Bunny.

(Thanks to many people)

WHY WE MUST NEVER ALLOW THE GOVERNMENT TO TAKE AWAY OUR BANANAS

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

OK, THIS CANNOT BE GOOD

Octopi have figured out how to walk.

(Thanks to Vicky Locke and Marvin the Paranoid Android and slyeyes and, it turns out, a whole ton of people)

Update: Marvin the P.A. sends this link, which has really scary video.

ATTENTION, WENDY'S CHILI PREPARERS

Anybody missing anything?

(Thanks to many people, all of whom have just become vegans)

FISH VS. DEER: AN UPDATE

On this site, we find the following:

Fish Eating Deer?

Many people do not realize that deer will kill and eat fish. The deer uses its hooves to disable fish such as trout. Then it takes the fish in its mouth, chews it and swallows it. Whitetails can eat fish up to 14‑inches long.

So the deer-eating fish of the Amazon have their reasons.

Update: Uh-oh. It's not just fish they're after.

Meanwhile in Iowa, we have this truly disturbing headline.

And just when we thought it could not get any weirder, we found this.

LAW-ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL OF THE DECADE

Here's a man we can all get behind. Or something.

AN IMPORTANT TECHNOLOGICAL (burrrrrrppppp) ADVANCE

The BottleSpy.

(Via Gizmodo)

CULTURAL HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

TAKING A STAND IN BEXHILL

"Toilets are something none of us can do without." -- Joan Winterbottom