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February 15, 2005

URGENT ADVISORY FOR ANYBODY CONSIDERING GETTING A PET PYTHON

Those things are serious.

(Thanks to Debbie Henriksen, who states, quote: "For the love of all that is holy, I beg you not to click there. Seriously, it is gross.")

BECAUSE WE ARE A CLASSY BLOG

We are not going to indulge in crude wordplay involving the name Sizemore.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Even though we know they did it on purpose.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

CARBO-TERRORISM

In the deep South.

(Thanks to Paul Roub)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using deeper gnomes.*


(*which would, of course, be a good name for a rock band)

(Thanks to John Brooke)

SHOCKING FASHIONS FOR WOMEN

Nothing says "no thanks" like 100,000 volts.

(Via Gizmodo)

Warning: "Bar Scenario" video features Strong Language

BREAKING NEWS FROM CHINA

They need more trees fast.

Key Quote: "While I am happy to see many young people adopt paper tissue for its convenience, which is a sign to reflect our social development and has helped improve our industry to some part, I am beginning to worry about the large wood consumption."

Related Development: Toilet closures loom in Newbrough, Ovington, Stocksfield and of course Wark.

ATTENTION, STUDENTS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL

Be careful.

24

OK, I just read the Fox Tiny Font Episode Summary, and as far as I can tell, here is the situation:

-- When then episode began, the terrorists were causing a nuclear reactor to melt down.

-- As of the end of the episode, the terrorists were still causing a nuclear reactor to melt down.

Also, Terrorist Dad apparently tried to kill Jack Bauer by -- get this, for a pathetic idea -- hitting him with a car. Ha ha! As if that would have ANY effect on Jack Bauer! According to the Tiny Font Episode Summary, when this happens, "Jack rolls off and keeps firing at the car, popping one of its tires."

Also I gather that Audrey, daughter of Secret of Defense William Devane and Annoying Romantic Plot Element, has now, because the CTU is "low on manpower," somehow been placed in charge of both the State Police and the National Guard.

I welcome your comments on last night's episode, whether you saw it or not. Me, I think they need to inject something unexpected into the plot NOW. Maybe a guest appearance by William Hung, who would of course immediately be shot by Jack. Something.

February 14, 2005

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FOR DOGS

Let's go watch the submarine races hares course.

(Thanks to Jeff Bridges) (Really?)

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO SIT ACROSS THE AVERAGE DINNER TABLE FROM A COBRA

They'll spit in your eyes on purpose.

(Thanks to Mike Leone)

A VALENTINE'S DAY WARNING FOR MEN

If you've got a blind date, watch your step.

(Thanks to julietine)

YET ANOTHER COOKIE UPDATE

Two, in fact. Isn't about time for this story to end?

(Thanks to Lynn Milligan)

BRAVE NEW WORLD, 1984, MINORITY REPORT

And Brittan Elementary School in Sutter, CA.

(Thanks to Robyn Goldberg)

OH, MAN

We just realized that, this being Valentine's Day, we're going to be out tonight with Mrs. Blog, which means that for the second week in a row we are going to miss "24."

All we can say is, when we catch up on the plot tomorrow, Jack Bauer had better be coping with some disaster more disastrous than this endless nuclear-plant-meltdown plot thread, which involves WAY too much keyboard-tapping for our personal taste.

EXAMPLE OF A GUY HEROICALLY MAINTAINING EYE CONTACT

This is not easy.

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! MAKE IT STOP!

Or, ummm, yes, this is scientifically fascinating! How interesting! Certainly glad to know about this educational si.... AGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Thanks to Cyber_Possum)

WARNING: KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR EATABLES

Because you never know.

(Thanks to sct72)

HOT DOG!

(Thanks Justin Barber, who notes the name of the company: Axfood)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE

You need to recognize these people for figuring out how to do this.

(Thanks to myke, who sent this in a while ago)

FINE NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Put your hands together for the Toad-Blasting Audio Killing Machine.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! GONNA SHOOT YOU RIGHT DOWN

This is a day when serenade our Special Someone with songs of love, such as this tender romantic ballad by Mr. John Lee Hooker. We invite you to use the comments section here to submit romantic lyrics from other songs of love.

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY YOU SHOULD NOT OWN A CAT

It might not get along with your snake.

February 13, 2005

BREAKING NEWS FROM GOA

Mathany is not a frog.

Urgent Update: Nor is he a weather-cock.

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

It's getting worse.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

Speaking of Terror: While I was gone, did judi post the item about the guy who died from allegedly receiving a sherry enema?

February 12, 2005

THE NEXT BIG THING

The South Beach Printer Diet

(Thanks to Mike Leone)

A PLEA FOR HELP

Can anybody tell me what happened on "24" last week? I went to the Official Episode Guide, but apparently Fox is suffering from some kind of severe font shortage, so the guide is printed in really tiny print. I got as far as this sentence:

Audrey is visibly upset about the second attempt on her life.

To which I say, quote: DUH. Audrey is visibly upset about pretty much everything.

After that I started skimming the episode guide, and I gather that the plot still involves terrorists threatening to use the amazing Universal Nuclear Reactor Remote Control Device (Not sold in stores!) to melt down a bunch of reactors and possibly kill millions. Snore. That plot is SO two weeks ago, you know? When is Jack going to wrap this up and move on to a bigger threat? And who is this "Tony" person? And how are Terrorist Boy and Creepy-Eyed Terrorist Mom doing? Are they dating yet?

Please help me out here, people.

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Monkey Head Fungus.

BRAIN TAKEOVER ALERT

WARNING WARNING WARNING

Foolish people might click this link because they think they'll be able to withstand the power of The Endless Loop of Numanuma.

Resistance is futile. Join us. Numanuma.

(Thanks to many people, including a sergeant in the USAF, who adds "The Air Force is getting a lot accomplished today!" Thanks also to Joi Ito for the background info, and especially for a link to the original terrifying music video.)

February 11, 2005

A MESSAGE FROM THE BLOG

Hey, blogsters --

Sorry I haven't posted lately, but I am with my family and Ridley's family aboard a Disney cruise ship, called "The Magical World of 500,000 Shrieking Children."�There have been many highlights, the most dramatic being when somebody threw up in the Goofy pool. Really. When this happened, there were about 15,000 shrieking children in the Goofy pool, which is about the size of a ping-pong table, so it was very exciting.

Also, on the island of St. Martin, we and many other Disney cruisers experienced "European style" sunbathing, which involves random people getting extremely naked. Tragically, these were NOT people that anybody wanted to see naked. I think the people on the beach should be allowed to vote on who gets naked, and who does not.

That's all from the magical world of the sea. I hope judi is taking good care of all of you.

IN SEARCH OF...

Rocket scientists for special Valentine's Day celebration.

Key quote: Evinger said the alleged pact was unusual.

(Thanks to freelance fred)

THE MOST PRODUCTIVITY-ENHANCING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER EVER

(Thanks a big freaking bunch to Gabe Weintraub)

NO, NO, WAIT, THIS IS THE EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Tipper)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

STILL MORE COOKIE NEWS

Except this is not really news, is it?

(Thanks to julietine)

SELF-DEFENSE ON SELF-OFFENSE

Okay, okay, okay, okay, just in case anyone hasn't heard about this yet, here you go.

(Thanks to everyone in the world, several times)

P.S. This one too.

P.P.S. Not to mention this.

February 10, 2005

YEAH MON

Thanksgiving's come early this year.

(Thanks to Craig Ferguson's Research Department)

THERE COMES A TIME

...In every bloggerette's life, when she has to bare her soul. To share something deep and meaningful. To blog from her heart, not because it's funny, but because it's the best gosh-darned television show in the world and she is so gosh-darned happy that it's finally coming out on dvd, she can hardly stand it.

SO MANY VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS, PART III

p.s. TMI

(Thanks to Peter Schlueter)

BIG MISTAKE OR BAD IDEA?

You make the call.

(Thanks to Chris P.)

THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET

Bringing order to chaos.

(Arrrrrrrrrrr thanks to Ol' Chumbucket)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using chickens.

(Thanks to Sarah Boehm and Steve Wax)

February 09, 2005

SO MANY VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS II

Surprise!

(Thanks to Cody Pendent)

WHAT DO THEY EXPECT?

They shouldn't have named it Barry.

(Thanks to CMKnippling)

SO MANY VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS

So few people who will open anything you give them.

(Thanks to Steven Stephens)

"THE LEAST OF HER WORRIES" POST OF THE DAY

And this is a really dumb question, but are they fattening?

(Thanks to Mike Butzow)

VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING UP

And with this special night, we can guarantee you won't have to worry about a gift for next year.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY

Key quote: Ed and Diane would love if their son, Barry, became the next Barry Manilow, but they worry because they say his tremendous talent is causing him to be bullied by jealous kids.

Oh, yeah?

(Thanks to Karlota)

AUCTION ITEM OF THE DAY

A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

(Thanks to Anne Morton August)

THE "LAWYERS-HAVE-NO-SENSE-OF-HUMOR" NEWSFLASH UPDATE

(Thanks to Poop Dogg)

 
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