Dave Barry's Blog

MORE 24

Slow start. Five minutes gone, and Jack has not shot a single person, though he did briefly turn Secretary of Defense William Devane's annoying daughter's annoying husband into a human toaster.

Update: Victoria's Secret has a new bra, the "Ipex," coming out March 1.

Update: Blah, blah, blah. I'm beginning to miss American Idol.

Update: Jack is on his way.

Update: According to the New York Daily News: ...next month, Victoria's Secret will launch IPEX, a model meant to inspire sighs of relief. According to VS, the bra provides total support and coverage - particularly at the all-important center of the cup - without lumpy padding. The bra is also completely seamless, for a smooth look under fitted tops, and, best of all, is feather-light. After two years of designing and tweaking, the IPEX bra will be available Tuesday in Victoria's Secret stores - when official spokesbabe Gisele will make an appearance, at 1:30 p.m., in Military Square in Times Square.

Update: Blah, blah, blah. They are milking this plot like a COW.

Update: Jack is in the building. He has no backup! He doesn't NEED backup! He's Jack Bauer!

Update: They found the bad terrorist thing! But they can't work it! They'll have to call Customer Support!

Update: They tried F5-SHIFT-ESCAPE. That did it!

Update: Humanity is saved! For now! But... the terrorist got away! Which means we have to watch again next week. If only for the Victoria's Secret ad.

24

So I tuned into 24, and I thought for a moment that the terrorists had come up with a horrible new threat to the nation -- WAY worse than causing the nuclear reactors to melt down. Then I realized I was watching American Idol.

Actual quote just emitted by Paula Abdul: "Everything that comes out of your pores is authentic."

Update: The person Paula said this to is named "Bo Bice."

MOO

Moo.

Updates: Moo. Also, moo.

(Thanks to Mike Pontillo and Nate Little)

MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

This guy needs to hire this guy.

THEY WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

The mysterious squid have vanished.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE #639

But an oddly pleasing one, when you get right down to it.

(Thanks to Jim Legans)

WILD TIMES IN THE MIDLANDS

"Our world is a madcap whirl of monthly hamster shows for both Syrian and Dwarf hamsters..."

A WORD TO THE WISE, NOT SPECIFICALLY DIRECTED AT FORMER TROPIC MAGAZINE EDITOR BILL ROSE

The statute of limitations on assault is 5 years.

(Thanks to Alecia Elliott)

GUY EQUIPMENT FOR SALE

We suspect the blog already owns one of these.

(Thanks to Lori Bodin)

EVERYBODY'S DOING IT!

The 31st Battalion of the Afghan National Army Dance

PACK THE BAGS, HONEY

We're going to the Snake Expo!

DON'T FORGET!

The Academy Awards are tonight, and I know that at 8:30 p.m. you will be riveted to your TV. USA Today asked a bunch of people, among them me, how Chris Rock could improve the show; you can find my advice here.

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

For the mature person who wants to remain active outdoors.

(Thanks to Claire "Claire Martin" Martin)

BEST NAME EVER FOR AN OWNER OF A CERAMIC-TILE AND CARPET SHOP ADVERTISED BY A GIANT CEMENT FROG

Dick Carnal.

ANOTHER STRIDE FORWARD FOR SCIENCE

AND a good name for a rock band: Nude glowing rodent.

LAW ENFORCEMENT NEWS

Perhaps this guy would have had more success with a different tactic.

(Thanks to Collins69S, edited by Christobol, so no more thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UDPATE

The people fight back.

(Thanks to a bunch of people who apparently spend all night searching for this stuff.)

Update: This article, sent in by Derek Breid, illustrates the growing need.

Update: Would PETA think this sends a message that it's OK to harm animals?

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

TECHNICAL QUESTION

Having spent this past week in various phases of air travel, I am wondering if it would be possible to require cell-phone manufacturers to put some kind of decibel governor on cell phones, so that if a person talked too loud into the phone, the phone would stop working. Or, better yet, explode. Is this too much to ask?

Update: Ted Habte-Gazomba recommends that I get this, which might solve the problem. On the other hand, it might cause some people to shout into their phones even louder.

SQUIRREL TERROR

It's getting worse.

BAD NEWS FOR CROKE PARK RESIDENTS

They're in danger of being clammed.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF THING THIS BLOG DOES NOT LINK TO

Judi informs us that this item is not funny, and we will yield to her maturity and judgment. If we had linked to it, however, we would have credited many people.

NOT ENOUGH PUNS

But we do have to give the headline writer brownie points for laying the groundwork.

(Thanks to Daniel Heskett)

(Warning: There's a littlle Bad Language in this article.)

LET'S HEAR IT FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, CONTINUED

Thanks to Rob Adams, who says: This is exactly the sort of worthwhile research that our government should be funding.

SOMEBODY CALL PETE ROSE

And see if he'll take the crabs.

(Thanks to Writer's Cramp)

GET OFF THE TOILET NOW

This urgent item was sent in by pretty much every life form on Earth.

SCIENCE LUNGES FORWARD

This important discovery cries out for a LOT more field research.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gazomba, and we are sure many others)

Update: Ted has been working hard in this field for years.

SIN IN KLAMATH FALLS

It is out of control.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHAT YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR BANANA

You need the Banana Bunker.

(Thanks to Gizmodo).

ART UPDATE FROM LAFAYETTE, INDIANA

Nothing says "character" like giant fiberglass frogs.

Key Quote: "We have a bigger committee this year, so we were able to devote an entire subcommittee to security."

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they want to take away our precious consitutional right to get bitten by our own rattlesnakes.

EFFECTIVE BUSINESS WRITING

I received a handwritten letter from a salesperson at a department store where I bought a gift recently. The letter begins as follows:

Mr. Barry, D

Thanks in advance for letting me assist you last time.

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Episode #347.

(Thanks to Rick Kuhn)

MOVIE OF THE WEEK

Here's a good date flick.

Key Quote: We see a volunteer biologist swallow tapeworm larvae and, 11 weeks later, excrete a worm that has grown to more than two metres.

Update: Turns out this is a registration site. It's about a BBC documentary series called Body Snatchers, about parasites, which as the BBC has already shown can be a ton of fun.

ART UPDATE

It can be useful after all.

(Thanks to freelance fred)

LET'S HEAR IT FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

Yesssssssssssssssssssss.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

WHEN LAZY STORE CLERKS REFUSE TO HELP YOU

Take action.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

WHO COULD EAT?

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane for the photo and julietine for the story)

REASON NUMBER 9,327 NOT TO OWN A CAT

(Thanks to julietine)

POSSIBLE CLASSY WEDDING GIFT FOR CHARLES AND CAMILLA

Hard to believe this was never used.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CRIME-FIGHTING IN BRITAIN

Suddenly, the police have many closeup photos of crotches.

(Via Gizmodo)

MEANWHILE IN CANADA, THE SITUATION CONTINUES TO WORSEN

Lobster violence, with two -- yes, two -- breaches of an undertaking.

Update: Not to mention threat-uttering.

WAIT JUST A DARNED MINUTE

I am attempting to prepare dinner here, and I note with alarm that virtually every food product in our kitchen has a statement on the label declaring the level of "trans fats." Are "trans fats" bad? When did they become important? Does this mean we can stop worrying about "carbs?"

WHAT IS EVEN LOWER THAN A FROG RUSTLER?

A squid poacher who is a flagged jigger.

WE HATE TO INTERRUPT THE ONGOING AND VITAL GIANT-FAKE-GAZOMBA DISCUSSION

But we have word of a dramatic llama rescue.

ATTENTION, FEMALE PHOTOJOURNALISTS

You'll never make it in this business if you don't show up for the really important stories.

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Really old food, for the Really Old Food Collector.

(Thanks to Laura Wray)

CHER: NOT AFRAID TO CALL A SPADE A SPADE

She also speaks out on "hoes."

WORST USE EVER OF THE WORD "TIFF"

This might be a registration site. I'm too shaken to figure it out.

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Frog rustlers.

24

I tried to catch up on last night's episode of 24 by reading the Official Tiny Font Episode Guide, and as usual I gave up because of imploding eyeballs, but not before I read this:

Driscoll tells Jack that two thermo readings have popped up in the laundry room of the hospital. There's a chute that leads to that room from the third floor. Jack requests a rappeling harness.

Of course there's a chute! And as for a rappeling harness, there's bound to be one nearby! After all, it's a hospital.

Anyway, can anybody tell me if anything actually happened, nuclear-reactor-meltdown-wise? Has California been turned into a radioactive wasteland? I mean, more so than it is now?