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February 21, 2005


The Bent Policemen

(Thanks to Sondra Anderson)


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From Short Circuit: I always knew they'd pick me!

Interesting game. The only way to win, is not to play.

You're gonna need a bigger boat.

Give me a ping, Vasily. One ping only, please.

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

and one more...


It's good to be the king.

stuck in the middle with you...


♪ ♫

♪ ♫

Bring out the Gimp is one of my brother's favorite lines, Leetie.

And your other line reminded me of:

Lawrence, we're going to need considerably bigger buns.

And back to a favorite:

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

May I have 10,000 marbles, please?

"But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life. "

"That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!"
" He raped Thrace?"
" And then he came and did it again! And then again!"
" He raped Thrace thrice?"

I've seen worse.

I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.

I wonder if I'll be held responsible for this.

Who knows where thoughts come fromt hey just appear.

Attention Rex Manning fans, to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by night manager, Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records.

Anybody want a peanut?

Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

Dave's not here man.

They took the f@$^ing bar!

I'm a Mog, half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.


1 - 2 - 3? That's the combination to my luggage!

Have fun storming the castle!

Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.

Happy birthday to Kibby's F2!!!

And now back to your regularly scheduled program:

You had me at 'hello'.

Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?
[doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban.

Wait. Where are you going? I was going to make Espresso.

Anyway, I'll be gone today as we're meeting a friend in the city. Have an excellent day. The weather here is much more pleasant after last night's thunderstorms.

Mr. Zero knew.

Thanks Jeff! She's in France right now and will have a BIG party with her cousins.

I'm sure there's NO WAY she's going to let them forget!

you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you

Help! Help! I'm being repressed

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(Change that as needed to mouse, and you have my daughter's pet mouse. We knew it was coming though...he had developed a, growth, on one of his legs. Poor mouse.)

And Kibby, happy birthday to F2!!!

//Channelling F2's Mum//
She's having a fab time. Had ballons and goodies today and she's just gone off to a fun camp with about 20 little ones including the troops. (her cousins)

//end channelling//

*offers a special jar of Kinder birthday blog butter to Kibby's f2* Don't worry the confetti doesn't explode it just sort of sparkles.

Back to the topic:
Some people say forgive and forget. Nah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And... get the hell out of town.

Debi: So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?
Martin Q. Blank: No, but I do have a very nice cat?
Debi: Not the same.
Martin Q. Blank: Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding.
Debi: It? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?
Martin Q. Blank: I respect its privacy.

Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?

Topic? We have a topic?


But these go to eleven.

I've been wit' t'ouzandz of men, again and again,
Zey promise ze MOON...
Zey're always coming and going and going and coming,
And always too soon.

Some people that never talk about their feelings got 'em deeper than anybody. Other people never talk about their feelings 'cause they ain't got any.

And from the same place...

Everywhere I go, there's always an @sshole.

He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me until I come over. He'll make me feel guilty. This is uh... This is ridiculous, ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. What - I'LL GO. Sh!t.

Its only a flesh wound.

I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

So long and thanks for all the fish

'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanished in a puff of logic

royale with cheese

"I'm Brian and so's my wife!"

I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet.

I'm a virgin, just not very good at it.

The landlady? You can screw her too.

Oh boy, is this great!


Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?

Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.

Put a sock in it, boy, or else you'll be outta here like shit through a goose.

Real world update:

We had a busy day yesterday. We left here at 9:30 am and didn't get home until after 11 pm. Our friend Maggie is in town for a convention and we met her and spent the day together, including lunch & dinner and visits to the South Street Seaport & Ground Zero and the 9/11 Memorial, and saw an off-Broadway show (Gone Missing).

Good day.

I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.

You know, Joe Jr.'s still single.

Look at the bright side. He has more room in his jockey shorts.

Old McDonald had a farm ee i ee i o. And on that farm he shot some guys. Badda boom badda bing bang boom.

Fenster: You do some time, they never let you go. You know. They treat you like a criminal. *I'm* not a criminal.
Hockney: You *are* a criminal.
Fenster: Now why'd you got to go and do that? I'm trying to make a point.

Thanks, Susan.

Real life update: My morning will be devoted to stacking firewood. Fortunately, nothing is expected rainwise until this afternoon.

Why any kid would want to be an orphan is beyond me.

Well, I'll tell you what. You make it through tomorrow without killing anybody, especially me, or yourself, then I'll start trusting you.

When I'm high, I am Odetta. Let's get naked and smoke.

Oh! Oh! Elvis has left the building!
Oh, thank you very much. Oh, I love you man!

All right, you alien @ssholes! In the words of my generation: Up Yours! Ha-ha-ha! Hello, boys! I'm back!

Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?

"You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f***ed up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f***in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? "

I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me. You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Why? Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood. You'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery.

Are we being rude or just quoting movies?
'Cause if we're just quoting, then...hi!!

Joo wanna play rough?! Okay!
Shay 'ello to my lil frien!

OK, so you know? I know I'm only doing a drive-by here but I feel totally free to make an observation. 'Cause these are just words on my computer screen, it's not like anyone is going to come round my house and punch me on the nose. So, what I'm thinking is...if the 'secret life of the MOAT' just manifested itself on the actual MOAT, life around here would get a whole lot peppier, you know? What's with the email groups and code names and high school shit like that? Since I'm not actually at war with anyone right now (and if I am and just haven't noticed or forgotten or whatever - then 'POW', you're dead!) I sort of feel like Switzerland right now: You guys go ahead and fight, I'll hold your wallets. Either way, I'm coming out ahead.
Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Who IS the big bad wolf? No one, I'm thinking - it's an urban legend.

Let's get down and dirty, ok? Here's my dirt: A few weeks ago I let myself get picked up by a visiting soccer team and was taken to a very hot club where I was allowed to go in through the back VIP entrance with the team. The boys told the bouncer I was their GM. I drank many many beers. Guess what happened next.

You learned to play football?

Great to see you Peri. And I agree with most of what you said. But I just continue to play in the sandbox and on the monkey-bars and if that pisses people off oh well.

So how many of the guys did you play football with?

*tackles Peri and licks her all over just for old times sake*

HEH HEH HEH! Now that's what I'M talkin' about! I haven't had a good Mad snog for ages!

The boys all kept buying me beers at the same time. I would get 6 down and another 9 turned up in front of me. I tried to find the bathroom but I was leary of leaving exposed drinks on the table so I took them all with me. I was bouncing around the club like a pinball and that's when I realized that a woman drinking between 6 and 9 beers at the same time is given a certain amount of behavioural leeway.

Also, one soccer team is equal to a squad of octupii in terms of arms and hands.

Can I be Liechtenstein? I hear that Switzerland accidentally invaded them recently.

You only just noticed that I invaded you?! I'm pretty sure I conquered your shores at least twice. You know? With that reciprocity agreement?

I guess behavioural leeway only goes so far.

The moat has a secret life??? no one ever tells me nothing.

as to what may have happened next, I'll go with this quote: "I wish I could drink like a lady, I can take one or two at the most, Three and I'm under the table, Four and I'm under the host"
- Dorothy Parker

And besides, Leetie only goes for the lick in Liechtenstein. She's totally a slut whore.

But her shoes are totally rockin'!

*envies Trillian*
*lusts after a person who can quote Dorothy Parker*

Nothing to do nowhere to go
I wanna be invaded...

Men never make passes
at girls who wear glasses...

*waves hi to Peri*

I'll be back when the sun goes down. It's too hot in this room right now. (me talking)

.--..-...--..-.-.. ---- .-..-.-.......-. -...---.-.-.-....-.--. ..-....-.-...--.-.-..----....

When the sun goes down? Eleanor, quit feeding the urban legend!
Turn on your AC, fer cryin' out loud!
Take off your pants, even.

Peri, my a/c is on. This room has corner windows facing west and a small air vent.
And the Yankee game is on TV! ;)

Hey. I'm totally used to playing with myself, you know? No worries here.

Who needs a Peri update? Not you, yeah I know. But still. Blog's dead. Well, on life support at the moment because I just can't bring myself to pull the plug...but, yeah. Dead. I wrote a post on pornography that I think only Jeff saw and then the next day I thought to myself "Oh oh. Some of my family reads this. They can't see THAT!' So I deleted it. And if I can't write whatever the fuck I like why bother? I was truly gratified by the number of people who wrote to me about it, though. I had no idea that many people were checking me out.
Such a quiet place, this MOAT. Not.

OK, Yankee E and her vents and her western exposure weren't there the last time I looked.
I check E's southern exposure constantly. She faked me out with that western thing.

Reading back: Jeff, tell Jackie there is no reason at all to preorder the new Harry Potter. Everyone who wants one has already done so - 65 million presold copies. All the copies in the store will be easy to buy; everyone else will be in the 'pre-sold' lineup.
65 million pre-sold copies. Can you believe that? Canada Post has the contract with Chapters/Indigo in Canada for July 21 delivery. Of course they all have to be delivered before noon so every able body will be in every possible vehicle. There's never been anything like it.

I went to the movie yesterday and I've never seen anything like that, either. I waited for the initial onslaught to be over - I thought. It wasn't over at all; I fought lines and crowds to get a seat, any seat.

It was totally worth it.

{{Peri}} I read the porn post! I don't think I said anything, though. That's why I was so surprised when (the very next morning, no less) Jeff and/or Trillian said "I can't get into Peri's blog!!"

Can I come and play with you, Mad & Leetie?? Please? I promise to wear only a thick coating of leftover July 4th blog butter. It has stars AND stripes!

Blog butter in stars and stripes! I can just picture it glittering proudly and pertly in the dawn's early light. 'Scuse me while I attempt to locate the 50th state.

Hi all of y'all!

Wow, I haven't been here in a while, and I am entirely unheinzed except for the last few posts, but I cannot wait to read everything before saying:


I have tried to get to your blog a zillion times, and thought there was something wrong on my end. I completely understand the way you're feeling... I get that way myself quite often. I want people to read it, but I want to be able to say whatever I want... and sometimes those things are mutually exclusive.

I'm glad you haven't pulled the plug... you've got so much great stuff there. Maybe you'll get back to it at some point and maybe you won't, but... don't kill it, no matter what.



I can't stick around for all the madcap shenanigans (and tomfoolery if you will) this evening.

Peri, I read your p0rn0 post too. In fact, if I check your blog on Google Reader, such as I do, I can still see the post. It's not dead yet!

Can you just delete that one post?

Oh how lovely! Peri rents an ass fucking movie and the event - and her opinions on it- are immortalized on google reader.
Well, everything I said about it was true, even if I was pretty drunk when I said it. 'Every Woman's Secret Dream' it was called. '3 Men At Once!' it said.
Huh. I don't think so.

You don't think my auntie and uncle and cousins can figure out google reader, do you?! No!

i read that post, too, peri, but somehow dimly thought the reason for the shutdown was, that p0rno fans were writing in, folowing searches for who knows what, causing unwanted traffic...

i don't have the energy to have a blog or the courage to share the details of my family life, so i salute you for having a blog, peri...

I think I may have had some pretty strong opinions about one thing or the other. But. Right now I'm drinking lots and listening to Green Day and Jane's Addiction and the Sex Pistols and feeling pretty much like 'fuck this and fuck that'; anarchy is rising up again and feeling right at home and also running loose because J is away at her grandma's for a few days and so no one is here to sneer at my music or my foul mouth. When the child is away the Anarchist will play! She may have fluffy blond hair and wear pink lip gloss and covet Baby Phat bags but....Peri is still wearing a neon green skull tshirt and stomping her biker boots and banging her head...and is happy as a clam! Rock on!


I missed you (and the blog) so much! Can't believe I missed you again last night but DO NOT go away again.

What happened was, they ran this miniseries called The State Within back in February when we were in Florida, where we didn't have BBC America and missed it. So when they reran it a while ago I taped it (this was before we got the DVR) and we've been watching in the last couple of nights. Also watched Big Love last night.

Anyway, we have been forced to get all but emergency prescriptions by mailing them away to these jerk@ffs in Pennsylvania (Express - ha! - Scr!pts) for the last few years and I have become convinced they hate me, personally.

The last thing they did was declare me all-but-dead by saying they couldn't fill any prescriptions because my coverage was cancelled (it wasn't0, and it took weeks to get back to where I could get my meds. Twice they just cancelled prescriptions and never even told me; they just didn't send them.

The latest: a couple of days ago we renewed 6 prescriptions (3 for each of us) by mail. SImple, right? Ha and double ha. This morning I get an e-mail the order was sent - 3 prescriptions. Sure enough, Jackie's were sent. When I checked it seems all of mine had already expired. This despite the fact that I am sitting with the renewals in my hand showing they expire NEXT JANUARY!!!


I hate those b@stards.

Oh, and Peri, the reason we pre-ordered the Potter was for the biggest discount and free shipping.

By the way, for whatever reason Jackie was saving the last book to read until now. Somehow she managed to get through the year without hearing who got killed. When she finished the book she was so upset that she couldn't sleep all night!

The next day I did manage to reassure her and gave her your considered expert analysis and she felt a lot better.

I just hope you were right... .

OOH -- Another movie quote. I just saw a commercial featuring Sigourney Weaver as Ripley ...

Get away from her you BITCH!


Jackie called (I get too worked up when they screw with my drugs) and, what do you know? Whoopsie. Seems someone just "made a mistake" and this woman (supposedly) changed it back and they will (fingers crossed) send the stuff, only instead of the usual 2-3 days for refills it will be 7-10 days as if it were a new order.


*tosses pants*

Is it too early to start drinking?

Back to the quotes:

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Better listen to him, Flounder, he's pre med.

Wait'll Otis sees us. He loves us!

Hasta la vista, baby.

I'll be back.

F#ck you, @sshole.

Arnold - a man of few words.

*zips in*™

Peri, are you still here, I hope? It's not hot (very) in this room yet today. ;)

I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it.

---Dorothy Parker

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

"Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong,
And I am Marie of Roumania."

Peri!!! *hug* I knew I should have stopped by last night.

I missed the p0rn post on your blog...I've gotten very very behind on blog, actually. I am very prone to doing that. I'll check faithfully, regularly, then drift for a while. Yep, I'm a booger.

NTTAWWT of course.

Another favorite from Ms. Parker:

When she and Clare Boothe Luce were entering a room, Clare hung back, saying, "Age before beauty"; Dorothy entered saying "Pearls before swine."

You can use this, Susan:

I've been too fu@king busy - or vice versa.

If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.

And when the phone rang, she supposedly answered:

What fresh hell is this?

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

I think Dorothy Parker said that.

I love that one.

So, how's California, sly?

It's been beautiful here today.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't get the appeal of the Wilson brothers, especially Luke.

Jeff, it's not just you. Also add Vince Vaughn to the list. His forehead is too high and his face looks, consequently, too small

Gee, I have to stand up for Vince Vaughn. I just think he's terrific, and Owen Wilson too.

I guess I just like quirky. :) (and cute) Vince Vaughn is 6'5".

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Good morning, all. My stomach got me up early today. And first of all let me say:

Happy Birthday, Rita!

Hope it's a good one and you're (not yore) enjoying your summer away from school.

Last night was "unsatisfying television night" here for the most part. Jackie loves Hugh Grant so started watching American Dreamz, an unfortunate mixture of a bad American Idol takeoff with a terrorist plot. She didn't like the turn it took.

I watched part (mostly the last half hour) of the aforementioned Luke Wilson in My Super Ex-Girlfriend, a movie I thought had potential before it opened but which just lay there, inert, much like Mr. Wilson while the title character had sex with him.

I much prefer his brother, I must say.

Uma Thurman (who played the ex) is hot, however.

Then came a movie that made the previous two look like Gone With the Wind - the egregiously terrible Supergator.

We were only able to stand it for 15 minutes but checked in periodically after that during breaks in the Yankee game.

Brad Johnson, who probably wishes he was still on the rodeo circuit, stars in the role that would have gone to Joe-Don Baker 25 years ago or Tom Berenger if they had a budget. And it was really sad seeing Kelly McGillis, looking her age and then some with grey hair, reduced to this tripe. She should have stayed in her Key West restaurant.

The rest of the acting was about on a pOrn movie level (hi, Peri!), but sadly without the nudity that could have helped a lot.

The tone was set in the opening scene when a girl took off her shorts and top to reveal a black one piece swimsuit. Cut to her entering the water in a patterned bikini!


Then there was the gator chasing down luauers (OK, I made up the word) on two legs, looking nothing so much as a lion chasing down an antelope herd.

But believe me, it wasn't as fun as it sounds.

Oh yeah, there was another scene where this guy with a terrible phony pseudo-European accent (think Bronson Pinchot as Balki) was photographing two "models" in bikinis. (Nice, um, breastworks, but they didn't disrobe, sadly.) One is in a red bikini and the other in a white bikini, with a towel tied around the borrom, sarong style.

That is, when first seen she has the towel around her. But as it cuts back and forth, sometimes the towel is around her and other times she's holding it in her hand!

This is the stuff that makes junk like this worth watching.

Oh, the gator gets both of them.

around the bottom, not "borrom" whatever that might be.

Wow.. it does sound like crap TV night in NYC.

Last night, I watched the premiere of 30 Rock (not sure what I think yet.. it has potential, but it also has Alec Baldwin who annoys the crap outta me) and (I think it was the final of) CSI. I didn't want to stay up, so I taped Numb3rs.

Tonight, I think the only thing worth watching will be Men In Trees. Lightweight, yes. Fluffy, yes. Predictable, hell, yes. Mildly entertaining, definitely. Ah, well. I have DVDs to fill in the hours before 9:30 if I'm desperate.

California is great. I didn't get to go home this weekend, BUT last night, I had a massage and parafin body wrap.

I also had a message from a friend who drove by my house Friday and saw TONS of mail in my mailbox and on the table on my front porch. Seems the post office decided to ignore the "hold" order.


AND, apparently aren't concerned by all of the mail piling up; that I could be in there DEAD!


So what's the temperature there today, Kaf. We're pushing 90 and more humid, so cool looks good from this angle.

The new Lili Taylor (who I've always liked) series starts tonight on Lifetime (aka Chick TV) - State of Mind. At 9:00 it's opposite The 4400 and on before Jackie's favorite summer show, Army Wives.

sly, sounds fun - NOT. Seriously, it sounds relaxing but not my thing.

The p.o. makes me nuts sometimes. Last year we were in Florida for two months and they will only hold the mail for 30 days (unless you make arrangements with your own carrier, apparently) so we arranged to have the mail forwarded to Jackie's parents' apartment. Well, weeks went by before we got anything, some got lost in the mail or sent back, and some just vanished.

This year we planned it so they would hold it, and partway through Jackie called the local p.o. in Brooklyn to make sure they would hold it if we went past the 30 days. The guy was very accommodating.

Since our old carrier retired and the temp fortunately didn't work out we have a new regular guy who is pretty sharp (and older), so I'm sure if we talk to him before we go away he'll hold everything for us.

I gues that should have been "whom I've always liked" up there, huh?

That is, when first seen she has the towel around her. But as it cuts back and forth, sometimes the towel is around her and other times she's holding it in her hand!

jeff, that's just sarong....



Jeff.. pretty mild for winter. Temps in the high 40s all week. At the moment (6:40am) it's 36F. So not freezing. As long as it doesn't rain much, we should be fine.

The PO started charging to hold/divert mail recently. Fortunately, I don't go away too often. What I usually do is get it held at the post office and just pick it up when I return from wherever. Currently, however, I have a housemate, so it's not really an issue at all, for which I am grateful.

*girds self* I have to go out there in about 30 minutes, and I need more than just my cocobra.

kaf., i like 30 Rock though if you don't like alec baldwin it may be a rough ride...they just repeated the one with isabella rosellini and paul reubens, which in spite of many inaccuracies regarding the habsburg family was good.

Our mail carrier has decided that the bench on the front porch is our mailbox. Then I come home and mail has blown all over the porch and yard!. Luckily we have a mail slot so if we go away the mail just piles up inside our apartment. That is as long as the carrier puts it in our slot rather than on the bench.

Oh and Weasel and I will be moving at the end of the month. There maybe a down time with no internet in there.

I always hate it when they have inaccuracies about the Habsburg family. Always ruins my day.

Let us know when your move date is, Mad--we'll miss you!

In other news, I babysat my friend's 5 year old girl all weekend and, surprisingly, liked it. She's really cute and sweet. Ironically, she behaves better for me than for her own mother. I guess I am better with kids than I thought. :) There were several tugging-at-heart-strings moments.

This is the same friend whose marriage has 6 months left to it, tops. And she lost her job about a month ago. So things are really bad for her right now.

I was surprised how much I enjoyed having the kid around. Except for the fact that she thinks she's too old for naptime and I was desperate for one. I'm sure there's a trick for getting them to take a nap, but I don't know what it is.

Oh, and I'm also rereading _Sabriel_ by Garth Nix and thoroughly enjoying it. What a great writer!

I am depressed to discover that those Brawny Man ads posted waaaaaay back are to be found no longer.

Blogchik, no trick to getting a 5 year old to nap. It's virtually impossible! The most you could hope for is a "slow down" and getting them to bed around 8 - 9 so you have the evening to yourself.

Temps in the 30's and "supposedly" up to 40 today. Attic apartment hit 32 yesterday and after a COLD shower (for reasons other than "hornieness adversion techniques") I found out the floor radiated heat (like underfloor heating), the bed radiated heat (like in-bed heating)and even the breeze radiated heat (like ... it was HOT!). Staying cool was NOT an option anywhere in the house.

So I went and drank lots of PIVO!

*glad the office has a.c. and might stay here until tomorrow*

32C = 89.6F
40C = 104F!

Yikes. Pass the PIVO!!!

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