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February 27, 2005


The Academy Awards are tonight, and I know that at 8:30 p.m. you will be riveted to your TV. USA Today asked a bunch of people, among them me, how Chris Rock could improve the show; you can find my advice here.


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The best way to improve the show would be to cancel it and show reruns of Dave's World.

Vat are zeez Academy Awards of vich you speak?

The Academy Awards are the Hollywood equivalent of 2 dogs sniffing each other's butts. The only real difference is Joan Rivers doing a play-by-play (sniff-by-sniff?) commentary. Personally, I'd rather pack my eyelids with table salt than watch the Oscars. But I have several DVDs of dogs sniffing each other's butts, go figure.

I'm in total agreement with Dave. Who really cares about "Best short documentary filmed independantly using only a video camera bought from Wal-mart and your next door neighbor's dog"?

I would like to see a lot more of who's wearing what, who looks like a bigger fool than who, who's arriving with (sleeping with?)who, etc, and wayyyyyy less of the actual awards.


Chris Rock thus clarified what he meant when he said straight men don't watch the Oscars. (Shouldn't that be "straight men WHO" not "that" anyway?)

"I did not say that. I said only gay people watch the Tonys," he joked Monday night during an appearance on NBC's Tonight Show.

Rock stuck to his guns. "I really don't know any straight men who aren't in show business that have ever watched the Oscars," he said.

Me? I'll be right in front of my TV tonight. Does that make me gay? Oh, that's right. I already am.

It should've been "I don't know any straight men not in show business what watches Oscars."

If it's any indication of what straight men are doing (or it could just be curmudgeons) when they said Chris Rock was hosting the Oscars, I said, "Who's Chris Rock?"

I read the USA Today article then went over to the "fashion quiz" where you see pictures of actresses with the faces blocked out. There's a multiple choice list of names of people and you are supposed to pick the name to go with the outfit.

Unfortunately I didn't know most of the names and of those names I had heard before, I didn't know what most of them look like.

According to Howard Kurtz, who writes a Media Notes column for the Washington Post and also has a Media Notes program on CNN Sunday morning, he said this morning that we could take it to the bank that the Chris Rock remark and follow up on Leno was a deliberate hype to get people to watch what promises to be a boring Academy Awards this year.

*polishes badge previously awarded for longest sentence ever*

Oh Yeah baby!..Back to Back episodes of Punk'd!...Academy Awards?...what awards???

Now I can see this being a great show if they combined Dave's idea with Lewis Black's and Fred Willard's -- plus a much longer pre-event open bar.

next year at the awards, I think Dave and Gene should replace Joan and Melissa

and Richard Leiby should join Dave and Gene also, because he has his finger on the pulse of greatness

Pop Culture Historian, you are not the true bearer of that badge. Dave Barry wins for his article once upon a moon when he struggled through a terrible period shortage and his entire column was one sentence long, leaving more periods for the rest of us. A true hero.

LH - thanks - now that I put on my glasses and look at the fine print on the badge I note that it says, "2nd place winner"!

WHAT!?!?! The Oscars are TONIGHT?? Why didn't someone tell me?

I guess this means "Desperate Housewives" will be pre-empted.

*cleans glasses*

I note that should be, and is, "2nd place runner-up"!

Well known Motto: People who come in 2nd are NOT winners -

Dave, that's great advice. Hopefully, he'll take it. And add an expletive when he does.


Second place does so win, at least in Special Olympics.

I think the announcers should line all the nominees up on the stage, like American Idol does. Then people should critique their performances - "I just wasn't feeling it, man." "That performance was of the same quality that can be seen in the lobby of a Holiday inn every day." "Maybe it was the script."

Then Seacrest should announce the losers in that really drawn out way. "Jamie Foxx...you....are.....notthewinnerpleasesitdown.

Oh, and finally, when the announce the award, they should say, EVERY SINGLE TIME, "And the acadamy award goes to a big steamy pile of [insert winner's name].

Then I'd watch, even at the risk of going gay.

I think the Academy Awards are crap anyway. The movies that get nominated are boring and useless. Why isn't "Without a Paddle" nominated for Best Film? Or "Alien Vs Predator"? Crap, I tell ya.

Literary Historian, sorry to burst your bubble, but that essay was written by (former Oscar host) Steve Martin ...

Food for thought:

McDonalds slogan du jour "I'm lovin' it" really means "I'm passing it through my large intestine", since this is what happens to their product. Every time.

So, love roughly equals parastalisis in the McDonald's way of reckoning. For this (parastalisis) by the way, White Castle hamburgers are clearly superior. (Suggested slogan: "They're shooting out my ass with alarming velocity").

Therefore, if the Oscars are crap, as some have suggested, then you can "supersize" your evening by embracing all the pageantry, glamour and self-aggrandizing weasel doots with a wry sense of self-satisfaction knowing that they may have looks, money and a real girlfriend but I have a sack of hamburgers wedged in my colon, and that's real love.

Yep. Self-aggrandizing and self-congratulatory. That's why I never watch awards shows of any kind. My advice for improving the show would be to cancel it, dissolve the Academy, and instead put all of the money that goes into all of this glitz and glamour and pompous spectacle, into actually producing more quality entertainment than the 90% crap that is out there now. That goes for movies, theater, TV and music. All of it.

Oops...I forgot, this is Dave Barry's blog. Apologies for not posting anything funny...

The Oscars - Overdressed, Overrated, finger on no ones pulse show.

Sorry, I'm having Desperate Housewives withdrawls. I'm a little bitter.

What is up with the time stamp anyway? I posted at 3:31 and it shows 6:31. Since I am two hours behind the east coast, I'm wondering where are you? Cuba?

Sorry, it's the DT's.

1000 miles off the east coast in the ocean!

Anything else??

The Academy Awards are tonight? This means Fox is showing 'Independence Day' for the 800th time! Who watches that?
"Oh, 'Independence Day' is on, I didn't watch it in theatres or the other 799 times, but I'll give it a shot..."
NBC has 3 'Law and Order's .This week out of 21 prime time hours, I think 12 of NBC's are L&O . In the ad for the new show they have the Emerson,Lake &Palmer song "Welcome back my friends..." but don't play the second line "To the show that never ends."
Summing up: It's hard to be a straight guy without cable, tonight.

NeedaDHfix - The wise have learned not to ask about the blog clock. Just pretend it's in the Atlantic TZ.

Corn - Hollywood, et al, remembers: "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." (H.L. Mencken)

Or the old Broadway adage - "If you can't kill 'em with sex, wave the flag."

I'm taking your advice and being selective about which award I want to watch. That is why I'm watching the 'Disney Channel' tonight! Thanks for you advice.

Interesting. No wonder Dave's so off. He keeps showing up too early.

A friend just reported the acquisition of a Big Screen TV. I'm thinking, "Oh, great! 57 channels with nothing on, but Supersized!"

Hey, mud, LOCK AND LOAD!!

Leetie's got a great big box of White Castle's in the basement freezer. We're going to each eat 25, turn on the Oscar's, aim our butts at the tube, and commence firing our ass-canon burgerettes at everyone with drippy, useless thank you speeches. We might need more White Castle's. And some paper towels.


JU - too bad you and Leetie can't be there in person!
"And I'd like to thank my agent's dog, and my Sunday School teacher and...."

(sounds of zippers)

"Gotta go! Bye!"

Hurray for Blockbuster. Tonight's movies are Shark Tale(can you tell we have a kid) and Keeping The Faith(which my husband says is a romantic comedy. However, he also think that any movie where something doesn't blow up and people kiss is a romantic comedy) Critics to be posted tomorrow.

opiesgirl- is that the one with Edward Norton,Ben Stiller and Jenna Elfman? If so, it is a romantic comedy.


Leetie, you had better stick to the grammatical errors and skip the spelling and punctuation errors or you'll miss the Oscars.

He even managed to use "you're" instead of "your" on another thread.


Leetie --

(Cue the Perry Mason music)

"Tonight: It's the Case of the Anomalous Apostrophe."

I'll be doing my pitiful lack-of-income-taxes while the Acadamy Awards drone on in the background with its million dollar shoes, priceless boob jobs and innumerable boobs. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Corn -- you got me thinking. If not cancelling it entirely, maybe downscale it severely, something on the level of the awards ceremony the coach has at the end of a week-long high school football camp. Have all the stars sit on the ground and come up to collect a free t-shirt when they win a most-improved or "Mr or Mrs. Hustle" award. The whole thing takes a half hour, and the celebs walk off with fre ecalendars and a sports bottle. I'd watch that, but then again I may have had a mild stroke.

An argument about whether White Castle is better than Krystal? What's next "Dude, which tastes better, sheep doots or goat doots?"
Hard to tell 'em apart, just like WCs vs. Krystals. None of the above is fit for actual humans to actually eat.
As for the South, its only contribution to the culinary arts is Krispy Kreme.
ALL the good stuff was invented in Texas, cultural center of the universe.

Certain amount of presumption on my part in the post above; never actually TASTED the aforementioned doots; going off visual inspection alone.
I'm just sayin'.

I watch the Oscars every year. I admit it without shame, I love the glitz and glam, and I love to do the critiqueing.

Like rifght now, I want to ask Chris Rock why he thinks everyone in America is deaf.

Haha, I like your idea, everysandwich.

"And the winner is...Clint Eastwood!...come up here, Clint, and get your t-shirt and sippy-cup."

Leetie, you mean he used you're, not your not you're?



(sayonara, matty my dear)

Some "news" (not Gnus) items, which might even be more interesting than the awards program ... :

I heard today that M. Jackson is willing to plea bargain. He'll plead guilty ... if he can serve his sentence in the Juvenile Hall ... (Hey! A native SoCalian told me that ... practically neighbors to the personality in question ...)

Bloggers (tho not this group specifically) made the editorial cartoons in the LA Times today.

I'm in a couple of the Callahan books ... as my Uncle Omar personna ... funny ... I don't remember it, but if Spider and Jake say so ... it must be true ...

bbsec: i might have even used "yore"

Judi: i could not stop giggling at counting crow's frontman's hair doo!!! it was totally Sideshow Bob.

hf: presumption of speaking without tasting the subject "burgers" has been noted (and taken as an apology).

and i agree with you that texas is not part of the South. however i disagree with your assessment that Dixie has not contributed to the culinary arts. i might suggest you try visiting new orleans. or try corkie's (apostrophe used correctly) in memphis, or any one of hundreds of bbq joints in so. and no. carolina.

ooo, and mother wilkes boarding house in savannah, ga, is a must for coastal travellers.


Wow. Johnny got so upset that he even typed his own initials backwards.

What is up with Johnny Depp's bottom teeth?

Pretty as he is, methinks he is a kook.

yeah yeah, the pineapple do is a shock to anyone who hasn't seen it before. it's adam's version of a combover, i guess.... i'm so sad they didn't win! :(

Leetie- The ever-talented Mr. Depp is now filming Pirates of the Caribbean 2....so he had his teeth done in the gold Jack Sparrow theme. ;) Notice how he didn't grin very much.

...But you're (not your) right....he is a kook. That's why we love him.

Hillary Swank had a great dress..if you are a chiropractor.
Other than that, it was geezer nite.
Oh, except for Jamie Fox, originally from Texas. He can win anytime he wants to.

Maybe some year Hilary Swank will win an Oscar for portraying a femaie.
I'm totally happy. I got to see BOTH Johnny Depp and Leonardo diCaprio, all dressed up and looking fine. My absolute favorites. *sigh* Leo should've gotten best actor. But then, he's got lots of time.

oh come on, did you SEE ray?

White Castle Ass Canon WBAGNFARB

Since these are movie awards, why don't they *film* the awards and show them in theaters? It would save a lot of wasted bandwidth.

And, Sharon Stone could be nekkid.

I did happen to catch a funny few moments of the show. Catherine Zeta Jones couldn't make it, so Chris Rock took her place on stage with Adam Sandler. Unfortunately, he had to call it quits when Adam Sandler started talking dirty and forgot another man was on the stage (or that it's cable TV, but don't spoil the fun!).

Is it me, or was Dustin Hoffman drunk or something???..

i saw about 3 minutes of this show...zzzzzzzzzzzz. i think the last time i actually watched this was about 1972. ive been riding around on the geezer bus.

Awards notwithstanding, Kate Winslet had the best dress.

must have been a long time since Sean Penn had a healthy bowl movement judgeing by his presentation

Dave and Gene? No, because, compared to Joan and Melissa, at least Melissa is funny ...

Dave and Gene? No, because, compared to Joan and Melissa, at least Melissa is funny ...

I admire Sean Penn for sticking up for whichever actor he stuck up for. It takes guts to lash out and just not give a blog who doesnt like it or how much they dont like it. My kinda man!

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