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January 17, 2005

THOSE CREEPING FASCIST BASTARDS

Now they want to take away our precious constitutional right to make ghost noises.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY CONSTRUCTION WORK IS SOMETIMES NOT UP TO STANDARDS

Some workers are not particularly observant.

(Thanks to many people)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Rhoda Smith, "firefighter and trained snake catcher," gets one under the bonnet..

January 16, 2005

COLORADO: EVEN MORE CULTURAL THAN FLORIDA?

We report; you decide to avoid Colorado.

(Thanks to Claire "Mountain Girl" Martin)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT FLORIDA HAS NO CULTURE

...this blog says: Oh yeah?

January 14, 2005

IDEA FOR ADVENTURE-PACKED REALITY-BASED TV SHOW

Pool Cleaner

A POST

The rulers of Planet Nava have decreed that the bloglits should be punished for their obsession with the blog clock. Therefore, the blog will shut down sometime Saturday night (after 9:00 PST) for several hours. Do not panic. If this were an actual emergency, you would be instructed where to tune in your area for useless information.

THOSE WACKY RULERS -- They've now decided to give you a week's reprieve. We hope you appreciate it.

SCHOOL NEWS

"If you're grossed out, please press 5."

(Thanks to Merrill Douglas)

DECENCY

One of those things we know when we see it?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MEN

(Thanks to fred)

IS THAT A BANANA IN YOUR POCKET...

Or what?

(Thanks to xmnr)

(We have a feeling this was blogged once before, but we don't care.)

SURPRISING NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY

If there's one kind of person one can always count on to have a great sense of humor, that kind of person is a lawyer, right? So what's with this?

(Thanks to many people)

IN THE NEVER-ENDING BATTLE FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY...

Where is Kikkoman when we need him?

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

January 13, 2005

THE BLOG TIME WARP

"They think they fixed it."

HAWAIIAN BOBTAIL SQUID UPDATE

We now know how they make their bellies glow, and it happens to be an excellent name for a rock band: Sequestered Bacteria.

ALARMING SNAKE-NEWS UPDATE

They are no longer settling for merely biting people.

January 12, 2005

THIS BE A GOOD POINT

Jim R. Pirtle writes to ask how come we say that a person whose head has been cut off has been "beheaded." Jim thinks it should be "DE-headed." He points out that "BE-head" means the same as "DE-capitate," which makes no sense. Jim thinks "behead" should mean "put the head back on."

"Why this bugs me so much, I don't know," states Jim.

We're 100 percent with Jim on this and think Congress should look into it.

EDUCATION ITEM OF THE DAY

I was packing my 10 year old son's backpack and I came across his homework. The assignment was to take the spelling list and write sentences for each word. Here is the list. I swear, I am not making this up. -- Nikki Nelson-Hicks

[List by Daniel]

Sorry- I feel sorry for the bird that is about to get hit by that truck.

Duty- I feel it is my duty to fight squirrels.

Fiery- They are hitting me with their fiery acorns.

Ugly- Those birds are pretty ugly up in that in tree.

Empty & Hungry- Odd, the fridge is completely empty and I am hungry.

Turkey- Man, some turkey would be nice right now.

Envy- I am getting envy from the guy that doesn't have to do this.

Lazy- I am too lazy to get up and turn on the tv so I use the remote.

Honey- Honey is disgusting, bees throw it up and then we put it in a jar and eat it.

Lonely- Life is very lonely without videogames.

Hockey- Hockey is the only game that lets you break bones without getting sued.

Marry- Marry...what sentence has the word marry in it?

Valley- I will throw this off in a valley and into a river when I am done with it.

Fifty- On the fiftyth day of Christmas, my teacher gave me this lame assignment.

Medley- Medley, what the crap does medley mean?

Ready- Get ready for stuff to happen- big, big stuff.

Movie- Can't think of a sentence for movie either.

Monkey- Monkeys...who doesn't like monkeys?

Imaginary- I hope this stupid assignment is imaginary.

Mercy- When I take over the world, I will show no mercy.

It's heartening to know that the state of education in this country is wayyyyyy better than we've been led to believe.

OLD BEER NEWS

(Thanks to an alert reader whose name may be in this pile somewhere, but we are not sure.)

TODAY'S PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

If you suffer from terminal cuteness, you'll feel right at home here.

(Thanks to Maureen Weitzel)

January 11, 2005

WHY THE INTERNET IS A GOOD THING

It provides people with a healthy outlet.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THANKS, BUT WE'LL STICK WITH BARBIE

Presenting: The Uterus Doll

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

We can't count the number of times this has happened to us.

(Thanks to Dave Trautman)

SO THAT'S THE PROBLEM

...long hair "consumes a great deal of nutrition" and could thus rob the brain of energy.

(Thanks to Candy Tutt)

(Candy Tutt?)

January 10, 2005

OH, YEAH?!

We bet they don't hold a candle to prairie dogs.

(Oops! Thanks to Guin)

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING

If we give up our lawn mower races, the terrorists will have won.

(Thanks to Theresa Valentine)

VACATION DESTINATION OF THE YEAR SO FAR

Butthead Lake

(Thanks to Ben Coats)

IF THIS WOULDN'T BE A GOOD HORROR MOVIE, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD

Night of the Living Squirrels

January 09, 2005

MOVE OVER, ALBIN

(Thanks to Brian Sauberlich)

GETTING READY FOR MONDAY

(Thanks to Brian Giovannini)

January 08, 2005

A GUY WILL USE ANY EXCUSE TO PULL OUT HIS SNAKE

Meet Frankie.

THEY SHOULD STAKE OUT THE VENDING MACHINES

We don't see this guy getting far on foot.

January 07, 2005

BRAIN TAKEOVER ALERT

Do not click this.

(Thanks to Diane Duane, who prefaced her submission with "Why should I be the only one to suffer?")

UPDATE: Apparently they've removed the Dancing Noodles from the intro page, so try not clicking this.

INSTRUCTIONAL HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Michael McKechnie)

ROCK BAND PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

It involves beer.

(Thanks to LabSpecimen, who says that Jet is not a particularly gnfarb. The stealth bloggerette argues that Jet is a grb, so it's ok about the name.)

ODD HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Not that they had much choice.

(Thanks to Jim Weisz)

JUST WHAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS

The box this comes in.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

UPDATE: It has been brought to our attention that this item was blogged yesterday, by the blog. The stealth bloggerette admits she didn't read every link in that item, being sidetracked by Mr. James Lileks' humor. While we are embarrassed by the oversight, we are sure you understand.

ARE BRAINS IN MAINE SUSPICIOUSLY OBTAINED?

(Thanks to Anne Morton August)

January 06, 2005

TWBAGNFARB

Flaming pig carcasses.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

ATTENTION, GUYS

You've got the go-ahead, so to speak.

(Thanks to alert reader Cameron Wiley)

LOBSTER TERRORISM?

We report; you decide.

(Sent in by many alert readers)

WE BLAME "SERVICE PACK 2"

Bill Gates gives a speech:

The presentation was marred by several technical glitches, including a Windows XP Media Center slide show that couldn't be launched and an Xbox game demonstration that abruptly ended with a blue-screen memory error.

(Via Gizmodo)

SELF-REFERENTIAL ITEM OF THE DAY

In his blog today, Mr. James Lileks asks why neither this blog nor Mr Gene Weingarten has made mention of this fine product, which Mr. Lileks found on fark.com.

THEY DON'T WRITE THEM LIKE THIS ANY MORE

Oh, one night I saw them kissin' at a party (a party)
So, I kissed some other guy
Johnny jumped up and he hit him
'Cause he still loved me, that's why

NOT TO GET MAUDLIN, BUT

...thanks, Art.

January 05, 2005

THE PROBLEM WITH HIGHER EDUCATION

Sometimes, it's good to get out a little more.

(Thanks to alert reader Halcyon Winter)

A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

For home or office.

(Thanks to Chris Lucas)

WHY CATS HATE PEOPLE

They have their reasons.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHAT GUY MOTORISTS WANT

They want a Subaru.

(Thanks to many people)

YOUR DAILY SNAKE-NEWS UPDATE

In Applecross -- which as you know is east of Fremantle -- police have seized a native carpet snake. Meanwhile, in Penal a man named "Gool" has discovered that if a mob is going to lynch a boa constrictor, the wisest course is to just let them go right ahead.

This has been your daily snake-news update.

Added Observation: Maybe the ballistics vest mentioned in the first story actually belongs to the carpet snake, which may have heard about the mob trying to shoot the boa constrictor in the second story. Just a thought.

 
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