Dave Barry's Blog

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO CANNOT STOP THEMSELVES FROM WATCHING 24 NO MATTER HOW LUDICROUSLY IMPROBABLE THE PLOT GETS (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)

OK, so the president of the United States is about to launch a missile strike against a building in California in an effort -- assuming I understand the plot correctly -- to kill Secretary of Defense William Devane before the terrorists can kill him first. Jack Bauer is also on the scene, but he has been ordered to -- as they say on 24 -- "stand down." So the question is: Will Jack defy orders and go in there and kill a dozen bad guys? Or will Jack defy orders and go in there and kill two dozen bad guys? The suspense is killing us.

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY HAVE NO LIFE

It could be worse.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

AMAZON ITEM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Attention, nerdo men who have trouble getting dates: The ladies will go wild when you drive up in this baby.

(Thanks to the man whose name sounds like a Carnak the Magnificent answer, Chris Gottschalk)

(Unless Chris is a woman)

CRIME RAGING OUT OF CONTROL IN TUCSON

Unauthorized Cher shirts!

TERRORISM IN CANADA

Those fiendish bastards.

Key Quote: "I just about s--- my pants."

SATELLITE PHOTO OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Drew Harchick, who says, "Yeah, right...a palm tree." We couldn't agree more.)

WHEN IT'S COLD OUTSIDE...

You might as well use your computer to be productive.

(Thanks to Ian Woollard)

ARE WE FOR EQUAL RIGHTS?

HELL yes.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who thinks about equality all the time)

Update: Apparently the first link was to a registration site, so we've changed it to one that isn't. We hope.

But don't ask us about the clock.

JOHNNY CARSON

I was lucky enough to be on Johnny Carson's show a couple of times in the eighties, hustling silly books. In fact, the first time I was ever on any TV show, it was the Tonight Show. It went pretty well, and when it was over I thought, "Wow, this is easy!"

At the time I didn't realize that the reason it seemed easy was that I was being interviewed by the absolute master humor interviewer, a guy with the generosity to make you, his guest, look good, and the skill to set you up perfectly, so you really couldn't help but get the laugh.

I was promoting a book about do-it-yourself home repair, and during the commercial break, Carson leaned over to me and said: "I used to try to do do-it-yourself projects. (Perfectly timed pause.) You can't do shit yourself."

EXCLUSIVE TRUMP NUPTIAL PHOTO

This exclusive blog has obtained this exclusive photo of the happy couple moments after the Big Moment. Mr. Donald Trump is the one on the left. Or possibly the right.

SPEAKING OF GREAT MUSIC

Here at the blog, when we feel like "chilling," we fire up the stereo and put on some Barking Tree.

(Thanks to Claire "Ribbit" Martin)

EXCLUSIVE TRUMP NUPTIALS UPDATE

This blog has learned exclusively that the exclusive nuptialization of Mr. Donald Trump today will feature musical entertainment by a very exclusive musical act.

(Thanks to Something Awful)

HIGHER EDUCATION IN CANADA

Sign us up, eh?

Key Quote: Valentich said women have flashed their breasts at folk festivals and other musical events in the past, but it is not an activity usually associated with hockey.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, always on top of the issues)

Update: The World Congress of Sexology?

WBAGNFARB

Indeed.

(Thanks to Sarah Hora)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Even for them, this is low.

TIME'S UP

Saturday 1/22 @ 9 PM PST

COOPERATION, UNITY AND TOLERANCE

Responsible parents simply will not allow it.

(Thanks to many alert and responsible readers, including julietine)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using Mr. Snail.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

WHATEVER YOU DO

Do NOT click this.

(No thanks to Dan Coulter)

TENNESSEE: SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, and of course julietine, without whom this blog would not even exist)

Update: judi informs us that, in addition to Claire Martin and of course julietine, this item was sent in yesterday by "2,038 people." We apologize to all of those people. We have got to start paying more attention. It's just hard to concentrate when we're coordinating the exclusive coverage of the exclusive Triump nuptials.

EXCLUSIVE TRUMP EXCLUSIVITY UPDATE

Here we see an aerial view of the exclusive crowd gathering for the exclusive wedding of Mr. Donald Trump to some woman this weekend. Queen Elizabeth II can be seen at lower right, with Sean Combs.

(Source: The CIA)

WHERE WE'RE NOT GOING ANY TIME SOON

South Africa

EXCLUSIVE TRUMP EXCLUSIVE WEDDING EXCLUSIVE

At great personal risk, we have obtained a photo of the wedding dress that will be worn by Mrs. Donald Trump when she engages in exclusive nuptials with Mr. Donald Trump. The dress cost $18 billion, and upon its completion, to ensure that it remains exclusive, the dressmaker was killed with a hatchet.

The dress will be available later next week on eBay.

EXCLUSIVE TRUMP WEDDING UPDATE

This blog has obtained the following exclusive photograph of the wedding cake to be consumed following the exclusive nuptial ceremonies for Mr. Donald Trump and The Next Temporary Mrs. Donald Trump. Our sources tell us that more than 178,000 eggs were used in the making of this cake, as well as a stick of butter the size of a Humvee. The cake is currently under heavy guard; already, two Access Hollywood helicopters have been shot down by surface-to-air missiles.
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SHAMELESS PLUG FOR MY OLD FRIEND AND COLLEAGUE JOEL ACHENBACH

Check him out.

WHY WE LOVE GIZMODO

It keeps us up-to-date on important technology.

YET ANOTHER SOLID NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: Shrieking Frogs

(Thanks to Christine Robertson and reddsuss and ABOVE ALL julietine, who sent it in YESTERDAY)

AUSSIE GIRLS CAN STAND TO PEE

Doo-dah, doo-dah

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

ATTENTION, NOBEL COMMITTEE

Give the damn prize right now to these people.

(Thanks to Eric Olsson)

(Pretty Good Name for a Rock Band: "Mystery Compound")

EXCLUSIVE TRUMP WEDDING UPDATE

In this exclusive photo obtained exclusively by this exclusive blog, Mr. Donald Trump, preparing for the big day, catches some rays poolside at his exclusive Palm Beach estate.

URGENT TERRORIST UPDATE

The invasion has begun.

On more than one front.

And yet, in this great nation that we call, simply, "this great nation," life goes on.

TRUMP WEDDING EXCLUSIVE

This exclusive blog has exclusively obtained exclusive photos of the dresses that will be worn by the bridesmaids at the exclusive wedding of Mr. Donald Trump to The Next Mrs. Donald Trump at Mr. Trump's exclusive Palm Beach mansion, "Donald Trump-a-Lago.".

Rest assured that this blog will remain "on top" of this exclusive story and continue to provide you with exclusive details as this blog makes them up uncovers them using professional journalism techniques.

LOW-FLOW TOILET NEWS

This isn't it.

(Thanks to Higgy)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

The snake.

Key Quote: The snake, the species of which was unknown, will be taken to the nearby Hartebeespoort Snake Park for safekeeping and rehabilitation before being released into the wild, Ms Nothnagel said.

We have two questions:

1. Rehabilitation?

2. Ms. Nothnagel?

ADVICE FOR MEN

Always keep an eye out for the little guy hiding his masculine fourth arm.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

TODAY'S CELEBRITY NEWS

Still not it. It. can't. be.

(Thanks. Thanks a LOT, Thad Humphries.)

TODAY'S CELEBRITY NEWS

This isn't it.

(Thanks to john richburg)

YET ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Squid Movements

Update: Also "The Southern Calamari"

DID YOU WATCH AMERICAN IDOL LAST NIGHT?

Neither did we! We would never waste our time watching that crap. We much prefer reading Proust. But that one contestant? The large blond woman who was a really really really bad singer, even by American Idol standards, and heard voices in her head?

Whoa.

HOW TO IMPROVE 24, IN ONE WORD

Bunnies.

(Via Virginia Postrel)

A TASTY TREAT, AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Canned Frogs

IS THAT A MULTIMEDIA PLAYER IN YOUR POCKET?

Or are you just happy to see me?

(Via Gizmodo)

IF YOU ARE NOT A FAN OF THE TV SHOW "24," DO NOT READ THIS POST

OK, you know Erin Driscoll, the extremely hardass woman who is Jack Bauer's boss and is always wrong but still is apparently in charge of the entire U.S. intelligence system? Does it get on your nerves that every time an alarming plot development occurs -- which of course is every three minutes -- she says something like, "OK, I need the names of everybody in California who has ever had a root canal," and immediately one of the random computer-tappers around her goes "I'm on it" and starts tapping away, and the information pops right up on the screen, and there's never any computer problem, and they never have to install Windows XP Service Pack 2? Well, it gets on our nerves.

ANOTHER AREA WE ARE AVOIDING

Japan

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

IF WE EVER FIND OURSELVES IN CHONGU

...we're staying the hell out of the ponds.

(Thanks to Gabe Weintraub)

AUSTRALIA: LAND OF MYSTERY

Also, squirrel gliders.

CRIME IN NORTH JERSEY

If these people are upset about this, we can't imagine how they're going to react to the Sopranos.

Update: We didn't think this was a registration-required site -- at least it wasn't the first time we clicked on it -- but somehow it seems to have mutated into one. We apologize, and promise to have the appropriate party whacked.

HEY, THANK YOU, ROBERT

Dave,

I help with the youth group that is running this site (totally not-for-profit). It helps tsunami victims. I bought a brick in your name on the site. To find your brick you can look it up by number on the site.

Any comments are welcomed. If you like the site, and could mention it that would be wonderful. I'm sure you get such requests frequently so I will understand fully if you can't endorse it.

Thank you for your consideration. Your brick number is 221 and the site is www.rebuildinghope.org. I mentioned your site on the brick.

Thanks again.

Robert W. Aldrich

INAUGURATION REPORT

Incredibly, I was not invited to the forthcoming inauguration. But I did attend the last one, and wrote an authoritative report, which appears in the "extended entry" section below, assuming we can get the "extended entry" thing to work.

ATTENTION, SINGLE LADIES

Have we got a catch for you.

(Thanks to Jim Mogle)