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January 29, 2005


And that means Trouble.


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Obviously, further proof of the theory that pets and their owners are alike in significant ways.

I'm too lazy to do the research, (and there's no one to send the bill to), but I BELIEVE that in some states, if a dog has bitten once, it is considered "vicious". If it bites again, the owner can be held criminally liable and the dog can be put down. If it's named "Trouble" and owned by Leona Helmsley, well then, the owner is put down.

Old Joke Alert

Man carries his ailing pooch into the vet's office and hands it to the doc.

Vet looks it over and says "I'm going to have to put him down."

Man: He's that sick?

Vet: No, he's that heavy.

If this isn't a reality show waiting to happen, I don't know what is.

'Trouble' is considered property owned by Leona. She is liable for the results of the dog's actions. Her liability goes with the dog, according to casualty insurance. However, in some states, Leona would be required to turn the dog over to the county health department for containment (a hold of 10 days) to determine if the dog is rabid or sick. The injured person would then have the right to tell the health authorities whether or not they wanted the dog exterminated. It looks like they didn't choose to go that direction, but went to a lawyer instead.

Here in CA we have a one-bite law: If you bite a dog once, you get a citation - if you bite a second dog,or bite the same dog again they put you down-

And "Happpy Birthday," Higgy, tomorrow. Just wanted to be the first to wish you a wonderful new year!
This is also the celebration of 'The Happy Lunar New Year' in China and Taiwan.
And Brian, "Happy Birthday," to you on Monday, Jan.31st. (also a first)
I don't know if this is the 'Year of the Dog' or not, but it looks promising, though.

I imagine they would probably put you down. As in 'down' at the 'funny farm.'

And it follows,"He's not heavy, he's my brother."

What are the odds? In high school, I was voted most likely to act "negligently, maliciously, wantonly, intentionally, grossly, willfully, evilly, recklessly, carelessly and without regard for the rights and safety of others." Ah, the good ol' days.

I appreciate that old joke. can't wait to visit our vet.

Dear Auntie Roach,
The good guys always finish last. (really first) Butt,- first is last, and last is First! This way, you can't tell your a--, from a 'hole' in the ground.


Trouble, I love your big dark eyes
Trouble, you're beautiful and very wise!
Trouble, we love you, now strike up the band
Trouble, owwwwwww you bit off my hand!


Gotta admit, it's catchy...

Just shows to go ya (yes, I know) that no matter how much money one has or even how much jail time they have served, one can STILL be a flaming a'hole. (I'm referring to Leona but Trouble is a close second.) Didn't she learn ANYthing?


Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

A: First, you cut a hole in the ice. Then, place a
number of peas around the hole. So, when the
polar bear bends over to take a pea, you sneak
up from behind and kick him in the ice hole.

*saves antiroaches joke to e-mail to my dad*


Aunt Roach,

Pete and Repeat live 'cross the street!
Oh, Whoop-de-doop-de-da!!!
A big fat 'Haiku'
For 'Little' 'Ol U,'
Now take a 'leak' in the LOO!

My dad's name is Pete, but he goes by Petunia when he marches in the "parades".

Once again, this backs up my theory that small auxilary yap dogs are manifestations of Satan.

Man walks into a vet's office carrying Leona Helmsly; hands her to the vet.

Vet looks at her and says "I've got to put her down."

Man: Because she's heavy?

Vet: No! Because she's Leona Helmsly.

Ya got Trouble ...
Right here in River City ...
and that starts with "T" ... and that rhymes with "Helmsly" and that stands for "hell" (on earth) ...

[sorry, it doesn't scan very well, but it's the best I could do on a Saturday of not working ...]

How about: That starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for poodle?

I have a feeling Ms. Sfara just does not want to work for Ms Hemlsley anymore and this was a good excuse....

*My small-dog theory*

If they are of a tiny size, and they get close enough to bite you, they are also close enough for you to grab them, tie their front and back legs together (failing this, try glue, duct tape, nails, a soldering gun, whatever works), then dropkick them like a football. However, my mother doesn't appreciate this theory, particularly if either of my parents' toy poodles are in the room at the time. Personally, I think they'd be prime candidates for test runs, just to make sure I don't need to make any more adjustments to the theory.

If any of the bloggers have small dogs that you love... I didn't mean your dog, I like your dog better than any other small dog I've ever met, but you'd be safer leaving it at your place when you visit me.

Sorry? Which bitch bit which?

Wow, Kafaleni sounds like Khomeni!!

That's my slogan when I run for Supreme Ruler of the Universe, roach

Campaign Song:

I hate small dogs and I cannot lie.
On this brotherz you can rely.
When a pug strolls by of itty, bitty size
and teeny, tiny little face...It gets hung.

My apologies, Sir Mix-A-Lot.

very catchy song roach.. I'll be humming that one for a while! Thanks!


Now I cannot take that song off my mind..you know the one about the big butts...

I guess it's good I didn't set it to Mandy then, but...

Copa Cabana could do the trick!!!
Nah, even Kafaleni wouldn't be that evil!

* would he? *

And speaking of Dog..here's a funny one:

Top 10 peeves of Dogs about humans:

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this, anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Woooohoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9 . Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth: you're just jealous.

*collapses laughing at julietines list*

ummmm... antiroach? "she" please.. and no, I would not be that cruel. The BeeGees disco period is about as cruel as I get

My sincerest apologies, Kafaleni.

Barry Dave.

oh... and #5 on the list really hit the mark .. my parents take their poodles to the dog groomer, and they come back with ribbons in. At that point, even I feel sorry for them. They're both males! No wonder they're such nasty little pieces of work.


I used to do the same thing until I saw the truth!

Thank you antiroach... much appreciated

*clarification post*

The poodles are both male. I have one parent each of the opposite gender

oops... you know what I mean.. it's too early here (Sunday morning.. just after 8am) to worry about splitting hairs

Where ever did you get that 'moniker'
*note: Mon-eeee-kerr (cur)?

You hit the 'nail' on the head!
We're just members of their pack.
As Big game hunters of the pack--(we bring home groceries from the A and P,)
Question for guest coming to the home: "Let me smell your butt first!"
Question for Guest: "Do they come in peace, of is there a kitty at home?"
Dog: "Should I invite them back for a 'free-for-all?"
Dog: "Do they like my body order?"
Dog: "I only roll in the very best 'deer poop!'
Dog: "well, nice to meet 'ya (and smell 'ya) Come back anytime, 'ya here!
Guest: Yah! You bettcha! LIke a cold day in H-ll, I'll be back!
*Kitty will never forgive me!*

julietine, I've seen that list before but it's still funny. Of course, as we constant readers know, Dave is a big proponent of rule #6, as the fake throw is his favorite dog trick.

sly: LOL for "the owner is then put down."

If only.

thank you julietine for such a great laugh, and who needs these morons who have to schlep around their yappy little dogs with them, every place, now has dave barry ever brought a snooty little pooch on HIS book tours? no. i thought not.
just finished watching 'best in show' ... that about says it all about snippy little dogs. didnt this blog have something earlier in the week about wiener dogs?? maybe Trouble should hook up wi them and get away from leona!!

As the associate of a Border collie (you don't own a Border collie, you have an association) I have been asked to point out:

1. Border collies don't fall for the fake thrown ball trick more than once. (Don't do it again - just throw the damn ball!)

2. Border collies eat yappy little dogs. Yappy little dogs are dumber than the sheep we order around.

3. Border collies will not tolerate bows or sweaters. Wear the damn things yourself if you think they're cool.

4. Haircut? You are kidding, right? That's what you do to sheep.

5. We lick our crotches, you use your fingernails. Deal with it.

I hope Amy Tan doesn't see this thread. She doesn't go ANYWHERE without her two microdogs. Booksignings, RBR performances, etc.

on a more serious note... maybe the name is half of Trouble's trouble.. my parents (that would be the poodle pod people) were given their first poodle, he was 2 or 3 yrs old and had behavioural problems. These continued, and after about 3 months, they decided to change his name to Barnabas (which means peaceful) His personality changed almost overnight. Of course they shortened it to Barney, (which means insane purple dinosaur), but maybe if Leona had called her dog Rover, she wouldn't be having these problems today. Just a thought

I think I'm losing my mind.. if someone could post this post previous to my last post, the nasty little poodle's name was Rogue... I was sure that was in my post, but it disappeared. Coincidentally, he was the least sappy of any of their poodles. I still didn't like him very much.

Lesse, how does this blogging thing go? I know, it's kind of like riding a bicycle, you know, you have to wear a helmet but you don't because it looks stupid, and sometimes the chain comes off the sprocket. Oh! I think i remember . . .

Ladies, here's a couple of wild and crazy guys!


Welcome back, Mahatma! Now Georg and Yortuk, they were wild and crazy guys!.

Trouble was a key figure in an anti-gay bias lawsuit ??? This is a homophobic dog ???

Oh, Trouble, you came and you bit off my finger
So your human's in court!
Oh, Trouble, you deserve to be owned by Leona
Hope they keep your leash short!


If only I hadn't maxed out my credit cards on Prozac.

Now I'm even more depressed.

Thanks a lot, MKJ.

Dave, how many fries in a regular order of McDonald's finest?

MKJ... welcome back!!!

I have to disagree with the theory that a name contributes to a dog's misbehavior. I know a rottweiler, a breed disposed to being a big jerk, named Trouble who is as sweet and gentle as dog's come. And my own cat is named The Psychokiity, though he outgrew his psycho-ness at a very yound age. Actually that might just be because he's fat and lazy.
And I'll have to announce my lameness by defending small dogs. If every small dog you know is unpleasant to you, maybe it is because they can tell you don't like them. After working in a kennel for years I can tell you that tiny dogs are almost never the ones who bark constantly. It's usually the medium-sized ones. Often heelers, bird dogs, or (ahem) border collies. And even if they do bark all day, I can assure you listening to "yap, yap, yap" all day is better than "WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!"
I only know two other people who prefer small dogs to big ones. And one of them doesn't really like dogs that much at all. But I've never understood it. Maybe I just prefer pets that are easy to dominate.

Oh, and I've noticed that every time a big dog bites someone, people start trying to ban the breed. Maybe you small-dog haters could use this incident to ban the maltese. The deadly 6 pound ball of silky white hair!
Have you noticed that this thread is the only recent one that doesn't have that dog gift spam in it?


This from a girl named "Barbi." Bet yer a DOLL, tho!


This from a girl named "Barbi." Bet yer a DOLL, tho!


This from a girl named "Barbi." Bet yer a DOLL, tho!


This from a girl named "Barbi." Bet yer a DOLL, tho!


This from a girl named "Barbi." Bet yer a DOLL, tho!


This from a girl named "Barbi." Bet yer a DOLL, tho!


never seen THAT happen b4!

Cosa -

just out of the blue, but something you said that reminded me of ... a riddle....

What do Babe Ruth and Jesus Christ have in common?

Let's see... neither was nominated for an Academy Award.

Or...they both hung out a lot with prostitutes.

*I give up.*

'niac -

They both have the same middle name --- Herman ...

[As in: George Herman Ruth, and Jesus H(erman) Christ ... (on a crutch?)]

(Sorry, really old joke ...)

Why do all the nutty people have all the money???

Because people like us give them all the attention...or we're all insane...or something like that.


"I'm nutty! But my wealth is not in this world. It's in 'storage' somewhere else."

Do you 'think' that I would want Bill Gates to get his 'electronic' hands on it?


Your posted was well informative, that every person who read this will get knowledge
about you posted. you made a great job for this and thank you for sharing your taughts
on us..More power!

Best Regards,
Mara Chui
Pet Containment

Leona Helmsley's will left 12 million dollars to her canine companion. That's a whole lot of kibble.

I completely understand how Leona Helmsley adored her dog - many of us love ours deeply, too. I just wish she would have shown her love for all dogs, or even all animals, and not just her own particular dog. Imagine how many pets could have been spayed and neutered for that amount of money, or how many dogs could have been saved from the evils of dogfighting. Her little shih tzu will not know the difference between a diamond-encrusted collar, and one bought from Target. I hope the brother she appointed to be her dog's caretaker, will keep other animals in mind as well. What is good for the animal kingdom, is good for one cute little spoiled pooch.

Nancy J. Cronk
Founder, Chair and Chaplain
Interfaith Association of Animal Chaplains

very interesting, but I don't agree with you

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