Dave Barry's Blog

LIVE 24 UPDATE

I think I figured something out: The terrorists took over all the nuclear power plants in the United States by... installing Windows XP Service Pack 2. Those heartless bastards.

Speaking of which: Terror Dad just shot Terror Mom. Call me crazy, but I think that marriage is in trouble.

Update: It took Jack 45 minutes to start shooting people. Slacker.

Most Romantic Moment: When Jack said to Secretary of Defense William Devane's daughter, Annoying Romantic Plot Element Devane: "We can cover each other." That line never worked for me.

WE'RE JUST ASKING

If you're a company with three owners, and their last names are Doody, Wong and Wiener, how do you get this name? Doesn't that leave you short a Wiener? Or are we missing something?

A TOPIC THAT WE, AS A SOCIETY, DO NOT DISCUSS ENOUGH

Nasal hygiene.

(Thanks to Brian Smith)

(This product was also covered in our Holiday Gift Guide)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Couldn't somebody have made this guy a margarita instead?

(Thanks to somewhat alert reader David Alston)

(p.s. to commenters: We wish to state for the record that we know it's not funny that he died.)

WAIT JUST A DARNED MINUTE

Since when is accordion playing worth more than stripping?

(Thanks to Bob Hopf)

p.s. to commenters: No, it is not funny that the tiger hurt them. At least no one involved in this story was watching porn (as far as we know).

TRAVEL DESTINATION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

We're dying to go to Accra.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

COUNTDOWN TO 24

We don't know how we're going to get any work done today. We might just start sitting in front ot the TV right now, waiting for 9 p.m. Eastern 8 p.m. Central Time, because we are SO NERVOUS about what is going to happen tonight, with the terrorists in possession of the amazing Nuk-Em-All remote-control device -- NOT sold in stores -- that causes all the nuclear reactors in the United States to melt down and apparently there is NOTHING ANYBODY CAN DO ABOUT IT. Except maybe they could call up the nuclear plants and say, "Hey! Don't let the reactor melt down, OK? Thanks."

No, wait, what are we thinking? That would NEVER work.

So the only hope for humanity, again, is loner rogue agent Jack Bauer, who is not afraid to take action -- who has the guts to shoot first and also shoot later on. We personally would not mind if he accidentally shot Secretary of Defense William Devane's daughter, because she gets on our nerves.

We also believe Terrorist Boy, whose Terrorist Mom wrecked his social life by poisoning his girlfriend, could be a major plot factor now that he has turned against the other terrorists by using a shovel to kill the terrorist hitman who was trying to kill him under orders from his Terrorist Dad. Terrorist Boy is still out there, and as far as we know he still has the shovel.

We are just going to be a wreck today.

IF A COUNTRY HAS A UNIFICATION MINISTER

...he should have a good unification minister name.

ATTENTION, AUSTRALIANS

Do not go to bed.

UPDATE ON THE NEWS FROM BRITAIN

It's worse than we thought.

THE NEWS FROM BRITAIN

It's getting ugly over there.

Key Quote: "Frogs don't have a penis."

UPDATE: Here is a relevant (and we assume very tasteful) eBay item.

LEONA IS BACK IN THE NEWS

And that means Trouble.

ALARMING SQUID UPDATE

These jumbo flying monster mollusks are leaving reel parts all over the freaking deck.

UPDATE: Apparently, this is a registration site. For those of you who do not wish to bother registering: This is a story concerning some jumbo flying monster mollusks that are causing reel parts to be strewn all over the freakling deck. We hope this clears everything up.

UPDATE UPDATE: OK, apparently this is not a registration site. We're going back to bed.

ATTENTION, INVESTIGATORS

Better check with the local Safeway to see if this guy stopped in on the way to work.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE SERIOUS DOUBTS ABOUT A STORY, BUT YOU HAVE TO LINK TO IT ANYWAY JUST BECAUSE OF THE HEADLINE

This is such a time.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and sookeyjane)

WE ARE HERE TO HELP

Dave,

Could you please post the definition of a blog on your page, so that I may explain to my husband, who insists on looking at me like I have two heads whenever I tell him "guess what was on Dave's Blog today?"

Thank you,

opiesgirl

We would define the term "blog" as "a complete waste of time." This is also how we would define the terms "hobby," "customer service" and "United States Congress."

WHY WE'RE MOVING TO OHIO

For the weather.

WORLD'S SEXIEST PLUMBER

We were thrilled to receive a "Sexiest Plumber" calendar in the mail earlier this week, but now we realize that, tragically, the true winner was not included.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Do you want fries with that?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD SHOPS AT SAFEWAY

Key quote: "My wife and I were very shocked but we watched it until the end because we couldn't believe what we were seeing."

(Thanks to Doug Brockmeier)

WHILE WE CAN'T EVEN MAKE TOILETS THAT EFFECTIVELY FLUSH

...Japan is forging ahead.

(Get it? Forging a "head?" Ha ha! Never mind.)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Because guys know how to dispose of a major appliance.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WARNING WARNING WARNING: Do NOT have the sound turned on if you do not want to hear bad words or are anywhere near somebody who does not want to hear bad words.

FORGET ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

We are doomed.

(Thanks to everybody, living and dead, on the planet.)

R.I.P. RAY PETERSON

He wrote the best of the great teen-tragedy songs, "Tell Laura I Love Her."

Improbable but true fact: In 1997, on A Prairie Home Companion, I sang that song in a duet with Garrison Keillor.

OKLAHOMA: THE "WAY TOO MUCH SPARE TIME" STATE

Cluck.

(Thanks to Seventeen Million People)

IS IT TOO LATE FOR AN OSCAR NOMINATION?

(Thanks to Denise Gontard)

UPDATE: So, apparently the link doesn't work any more because of a bandwidth thief, but you can go here and scroll down the left side to "Miserable Ovoid Creature." We are sorry for any inconvenience and/or bandwidth issues we may have had anything to do with, ever.

OHHHHHHHHHHHH, OKAY HEADLINE OF THE DAY

DANG!

Did we miss American Idol again? Is that show on every night?? Is it true that Simon and Paula had a fight? We need details!

For the record, we're confident that in a real fight, Paula would kick Simon's ass.

THOSE EX-TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're shoplifting processed squid.

THOSE CREEPING FASCIST BASTARDS

Now they want to take away our fundamental constitutional right to take a snake to a parade.

YUM

We're gonna fix us a batch of blended cane toad skins.

UPDATE ON NERDMAN LOSER COURAGEOUS STAR WARS FAN

So much for our precious constitutional right to squat.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

AND STILL THE SO-CALLED "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT" DOES NOTHING

"Light beer" was bad enough. But this is WAY over the line.

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

Key Puke-Inducing MarketingHole Quote: "It's producing a lot of excitement for this beer category in that consumers and bartenders are not looking at this as a typical beer," in many cases with B-to-the-E served over ice, said Dawn Roepke, the St. Louis-based brewer's brand manager of new-product development. "It's going right up against mixed drinks."

WHAT'S NEXT, THE ARRIVAL OF THE WIENERMOBILE?

(Sorry.)

(Thanks to Debbie Henriksen)

ATTENTION, ALL GUYS ON EARTH

You could learn a thing or two from Larry.

(Thanks to julietine)

MOST MYSTERIOUS ITALIAN/ENGLISH ARTICLE WITH THE WORD "SNAKE" IN THE HEADLINE THAT WE HAVE SEEN SO FAR TODAY

ONE GOOD THING ABOUT WRITING A BOOK

If you're patient and lucky, eventually it will come out in Hebrew.

ATTENTION, PEOPLE PLANNING A SUPER BOWL PARTY

Start with these.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

A GOOD NAME FOR CHER'S BACKUP DANCERS

Weasel War Dance

(Thanks to Joyce Yik)

BREAKING NEWS IN CORTEZ

They are tackling the issues.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, SPORTSMEN

If you really want to gain an edge over woodland targets such as deer, you need this.

A THOUGHT FOR THESE TROUBLED TIMES

Well Long Tall Sally

She's built for speed

She's got everything

That Uncle John need

ISN'T THIS A VIOLATION OF THE CONSTITUTION?

Now they're picketing Cher.

AMERICAN IDOL UPDATE

This blog totally missed American Idol last night, because this blog went to the moving pictures with Mrs. Blog. So if you saw the show -- which of course is unlikely, as you were probably reading the works of Marcel "Bud" Proust in the original French -- feel free to put your report in the comments section. Thank you.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 34,918

Digital bagpipes.

(Via Gizmodo)

ANOTHER EXCELLENT ROCK-BAND NAME

Give it up for: Squirrel Deterrents

IN OTHER SNAKE NEWS

Fine name for a rock band: Illegal Bronx Rattlesnake

EDUCATION IN ALABAMA

"You kids QUIET DOWN RIGHT NOW, or I am going to bring back.... the Snake Lady."

24 UPDATE

Well, we were totally wrong. Jack defied orders and went in there and killed three dozen bad guys. So now Secretary of Defense William Devane and his daughter, Romantic Plot Element Devane, are safe, but the terrorists are about to melt down every nuclear plant in the United States, using a Top Secret device called a Nuclear Plant Remote Control Meltdowner, which exists for totally plausible plot reasons that were covered very quickly last night. So the only hope for the survival of the nation is that Jack, acting alone, can stop the terrorists. It should be no problem, because there are only 104 nuclear plants, and Jack is a really fast driver.

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT

(Thanks to Melody Platz)