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January 25, 2005


Fine name for a rock band: Illegal Bronx Rattlesnake


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An ornery and illegal Bronx rattlesnake bit the hand that fed him - putting his owner in the hospital for two days

Okay, we know it was illegal. But do we REALLY know if the snake was ornery?

Elle, you can tell it's ornery because it is "a sidewinder ... notable for the horns above its eyes.

All critters with horns are prone to be ornery. Steer, moose, caribou, big-horned sheep, and even bitty sidewinders bought on the Bronx street.

I'm kind of ornery myself!

He told officials he had the snake for more than a year after buying it on a Bronx street.

A couple of points:

You can get arrested for selling illegal Cher T-shirts, but not for selling dangerous animals?

How do they do this? Do they have little carts similar to hot-dog or ice cream vendors? Or do they sell them from the trunk of an old Chevy? Or maybe they keep the snakes underneath their trench coats and flash the goods when a potential buyer walks by.

Understatement of the article:

"It is just not an appropriate pet,"

It was in pretty good shape. But when he tried to move it, it got irritable and caught his hand."

I thought snakes were alway irritable - at least that's how they looked when my parents took me to the zoo and I banged on the glass!

So this is what you hawk on the street after you sell your last albatross...

Sidewinder! Get your sidewinder here!!

Jeff - are you sure your dad wasn't just confused?

*true story*

Family friend in Kentucky is a Vet. One family brought their dog in to have it put to sleep.

The next week, they show up again. "Doc" (as we called him) goes out into his waiting room to greet the family (mom, dad, couple three kids) and ask what he can do for them.

"We're back from vacation," says the dad. "Please wake our dog up."

He shouldn't have been 'playing' with his snake!'

*His mother told him years ago, he would go blind*

Dan. I'm ornery that you're ornery.

And if anyone orneries me anymore, I'm liable to become stark raving ornified.

Your friend the vet did not ask why they wanted the dog "put to sleep?" ???

People who own dangerous snakes ought to learn Parseltongue, dang it.... they might avoid getting bitten.

Learning that boas have learned to survive in the Florida wilds is yet another reason for living far north....

There is a Woody Allen line about capturing spiders in New York and rehabiliting them. Anybody remember the exact line and the movie? It will bug me all day, kind of like a cinematic earwig.

I took my meds now I'm ornerific!

Tamra, thank you. You are an awesome dorky researcher that should feel no shame, at least not about that. Don't know anything else about your other shameful activities. I now remember the scene very well and LMAO thinking about it. Now I can return to working with only the blog to distract me.

Sorry. Tamara

*hits head with bag of nickels for typo-ing*

*looks at reflection on computer monitor*
...I'm going to be terrific on the blog today... And I'm gonna help people! Because... I'm good enough...I'm smart enough...and, doggonit, people like me!

*tries out new skills of assertiveness (assertation?)*
Jeff! I'm adding it to my Blockbuster queue right now. Wait, I forgot to be assertive.... uh...you jerk! Wait, that's aggressive... GAH! I'm so STUPID!

"Psssst, buddy, come here.


"Psssst, wanna buy a snake ?"

"Buy a snake! Acoording to the Dave Barry Blog, a person can't go more than 15 feet in any direction without stumbling over one!"

"Psssst, this snake is house-trained"

"Stop saying 'Psssst'!"

"That's not me. That's the snake."

I can't look at this post without imagining Joe Pesci grabbing his (own) crotch and exclaiming: "Yeah, I gotcher snake right here, pal!"

ps: I live very near the Bronx and I've never seen any snakes there. Racoons, yes. But no snakes.

Tamara - Kentucky vets follow a strict "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. I mean, think about it, they'd have to.

Two words - Rattlesnake Roundup. Texas got that right.

And we should not stop there, but have one in each state (Alaska is excused), and not just for rattlesnakes, but for all poisonous snakes, and not just once a year, but once a month, and . . .

'There are oriental 'Snakehead' fish that have invadid you lakes and rivers in America according to the Feb. 05 Smithsonian Mag. They are certainly vicious and will eat anything, even dogs! according to the article.'
The female lays thousands of eggs at a time in a nest of aquatic grasses. She and the male guard the eggs.'

So there's been a snake-bite trauma center in a metropolitan area that has been around for tewnty-five years and they've treated "dozens of people?" They have an entire trauma center dedicated to one patient a year?

No wonder health costs are so high.

I wonder if they have other, important trauma centers in New York, for such common problems as crocodile attacks, lion scratches, and people who wait for the "Walk" sign before crossing the street?

How about the horns of a Cuckold? Would he be ornery? Very likely ...

Reminds me of a story (what doesn't?) about the kindergarten teacher who wanted to teach her students about animals.
She showed them pictures and asked if they knew what the animal was.
Horse pix - "Teacher, that's a horse."
"Very good, Eddie."
Cow pix - "Teacher, that's a cow."
"Very good, Tommy."
Rabbit, lion, elephant, camel (?), giraffe, monkey (?!?!), snake (!!!!), turtle ... well, you get the idea ...
She then showed them a photo of a stately Whitetail Buck Deer with very impressive antlers ...
silence ...
"Does anyone know what this is?"
"Well, I'll give you a hint. You might have heard your mommy call your daddy by this name."
silence ... then, finally a tentative hand goes up ...
"Teacher, is that a horny bastard?"

Sorry - that's really old - but you may have noticed how long I hesitated, before telling you ...

kat - can he play with his snake just until he needs glasses?

I have no idea since I didn't have any brothers. Just the boy next door and that's what his mother told him. He didn't know what she was talking about. I didn't either, then. We were both really young and stupid then.

By the way, he was deathly afraid of snakes and the girl that lived on the other side of his house. She would chase him around and around the outside of his house with a little garter snake on a stick. I've had to rescue him many times. One time she had him tied up to a tree in his front yard and was threatening to set him on fire. I had to way lay her, even though she was older, meaner, and bigger.

Kat, I had no idea that you and Eleanor were such close neighbors when you were younger.

I (a really big eye) never frightened him with a 'littie bittie' snake!
I didunt neeeeeeed to! All I ever had to doo was to say, "Booooooooooooooo!"

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