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January 02, 2005


It's been real.
Break a leg.
Y'all come back now, hear?
Bon voyage.
And that's the news from Lake Wobegone...
Catch ya later

Here's to a fun and happy year.


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How will I ever face Sunday morning again?


Dave, you've never been funnier. Thank you.

Thanks Dave - I sure hope you get bored soon!

The year won't be quite so much fun now.

Why do I find myself humming American Pie?

Thanks for all the laughs, Dave. You made some hard times better. All the best. Hope we hear from you soon.

American Pie: 'cause you can't remember the words?

I've been a fan of yours since high school. And while I'm not a writer, your work has inspired me, if nothing else to never ever take things too serioiusly. I hope that while not doing a weekly column, you will consider doing another book. I'd love to see one devoted on your experinces with modern art. Anyways, without sounding too mushy I think you're a great writer and columnist, better then Mike Royko.


I, too, once wrote a "humor" column, for most of 17 years.

I, too, use quotation marks around the word "humor" in reference to that time in my life.

I, too, have the experience of being told, "you were funnier ... yadda, yadda, yadda ... "

Unfortunately (for moi ownself), no one ever said "You're (not your, or yore) : A. Funnier than Dave Barry. B. As funny as Dave Barry. C. Almost as funny as Dave Barry. D. Anything resembling any of the above."

TNX for the good times. I've still got books to read, and new friends who tolerate some of my offerings, from your blog site. (Reputable?!?!?!?!?!?!)

I'll survive. I've made it this far.

It just won't be quite as easy to regain perspective on the important things in the world, when my Sunday relief pitcher comes in to help me make it through yet another inning of life.

talk@ulater some time.

Uncle (The Man Who Owns a Hiflow Seven-Gallons To Flush Toilet) Omar

[From North Dakota]


Aww.. I'm gonna miss you.

Enjoy the year off.

Dave, Sunday mornings won't be the same, and as a soon-to-be single woman, I hope you miss us as much as we'll miss you because I need more ideas than just a relish jar in a singles bar.

Thanks Judi and thank you Dave. Please don't leave us alone out here too long.

And thanks for all the fish.

Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.......

I sure will miss your columns, Dave. Thanks for helping us keep the world in perspective. Enjoy yourself!

Good morning Uncle O - your (not you're) posts make you sound soooo interesting - would you like to share a little about yourself???
Such as :
What's your major?
What's your sign?
Come here often??

favorite food


Those sound like pickup lines.

By some strange coincidence, I drive a pickup (sometimes), therefore I am able to formulate an answer to that (implied) question.

occupation: photographer and vegitation management specialist -- ("retired" from many other past (not passed) work environments, including farming, substitute rural mail carrier, teacher

location: home address, Nodak; present placement of corpus, SoCal.

favorite food: most any food except coconut, sushi, tuna. Esp. like pasta, beef, cheesecake ...

I haven't noticed any decline in the humor of the column, but I understand the desire for at least a break. Thankfully I've got so many of the books with columns that I can re-read them without remembering any of them (a good thing, I think).

Except for the one that had my name in it (my 15 minutes ...), with people calling and emailing asking "Is that YOU?!?" I suspect you (and Al Kooper) were more impressed by the scholarly study I found involving the basketball chant "Air Ball!" (in perfect, spontaneous rhythm and pitch), but I'm taking credit anyway.

Stay in touch.

Thanks for years of laughs Dave. I,for one, will spit much less coffee at my moniter on Sunday mornings.

Thanks Dave.

You've provided me and my three children (my wife just doesn't get it but my daughter does!) some of the best laughs over the last 20 years. I can't thank you enough for all of the times I laughed so hard I had tears coming down my cheeks and my wife wanted to call an ambulance because she thought I was having a heart attack.

Go spend some time on Buster boat, hang out with your family, relax, get ready for the 2008 presidential campaign, etc...

Whatever you decide to do, just keep in mind that your readers do think that you're talented, funny and entertaining as hell.

And Judi, I have in my possesion a Post-It © note that you sent to me when I wrote asking for "Dave for President" bumper stickers. It's in the same envelope with the note from Dave explaining that, to his knowledge, the Rubber Bandit never flew. I keep it because, as far as I'm concerned, the funny stuff the Dave puts to paper is usually provided by his "crack research department". Thanks Judi

Thanks Dave, we'll all miss you.
It's been a slice.

please no,
Dave don't go!
[rinse and repeat]

I understand you need & want a break. I hope you do not remain broken, however. I'll scribble "look for Dave's column" on the January 2006 calendar page. Don't disappoint us... otherwise what would we do with all these leftover boogers and squids and such?

Sunday mornings in Johnstown PA just won't (not won it) be the same.

Thanks Dave.

Judi. Dang it. I'm so sad I can't spell right.

Aaah, come on, Dave, nothing was broken, why'd you have to go fixing it?

Alright, alright... 22 years is a long time. I guess you're allowed.

Gracias for everything, mun. Muchas very much. Enjoy, with a capital N. Yes, siree.

Well, now that's weird. I'm posting in reverse time.

This week-Jerry Orbach died and Dave Barry hung up his potato(e) gun.

It's been a tear-jerker of a week. Thanks, Dave.

(And is Judy going to keep the blog alive?)

Angie - that's exactly how I feel - I can't get a grip on Jerry Orbach's death, and I'm in total denial about Dave - not a good week at all - to say nothing, of couse of the tsunami!!

Angie: Dan Quayle?

Thanks for the laughs, Dave!

Excuse me, but I have to go to the bookstore now.
*Sobs uncontrollably into tissue and runs out to buy Dave Barry's books*

thanks Dave! the best of luck in whatever you decide on doing.

I sniffled when I read the column in my Sunday paper today.


Take care!

Thank you for all the laughs you've given me Dave. Techinically i've only meet you once at a book signing, but i feel i know you somehow, okay that's just creepy.


Have a good one. Enjoy everything. Be well.

A sad ending to 2004 with Jerry Orbach leaving us, then a sad beginning to 2005 with Dave Barry signing off...

Dave, hope you get really bored really fast; and hope you're on tour again with Rock Bottom Remainders very soon.

Thanks for the smiles over the miles from KC to LA to Chicago to Denver and back. You've been with me every mile via print and audio book.

Hey, there's a column idea! How many miles have Dave Barry's HUMOR (no quotes; true HUMOR) columns traveled? And if we laid them end to end, how many times would they circle our home called Earth? And if it isn't at least 22 times, then Dave, you can't leave us yet!

Will miss you madly! Ciao.

You're a class act, Dave Barry.

And the next time someone tells you "you used to be funnier" ... you can say any of the following:

"You used to have more hair"

"You used to have more teeth"

"You used to be taller"

"You used to be smarter"

"You used to be more important"

Or say nothing at all because you are secure in the fact that your readers think you're still the funniest guy around and that you never "jumped the shark". You're one of a kind.

Have fun in your new adventures!


Enjoy the break. h2oboy's getting a little misty. I'm going to have to haul out Dave's Travel Guide and try to feel a little better.

Hey man, it is been a blast..Enyojed reading your stuffs and hopefully when yuo return Hugo Chavez is out of Miraflores..
Chao Amigo..

Jorge Chaparro

What happened? How did
the margin get stretched?

Everyone, post in short

I need confirmation-
is everyone's margin stretched?

Reply ASAP!!!!!!

Thanks for making a long way from
home...well...not such a long way
from home. Be well

about your final message...

we know you're not making it up...


no name for a rock band?

Have a great year!

hope that fixed the margins...

Yes Eleanor, the margins are stretched because andrea posted a very long "Noooo!!"

Dave, Thank you so much for hours and hours of laughs. You will be sorely missed! Enjoy your time, but please come back to us soon! Mew

He writes, er used to write, a newspaper column? I just thought he had a funny blog. Damn!

Thank you judi - you're (not your) perfect! You can erase spam, shrink margins, and heaven knows what else that we don't even know about!!!
Are you omnipotent enough to keep up the blog???
Will we have somewhere to go tomorrow??
*looks wistful and pathetic*

I have been reading your columns for almost 20 years now and I am only 27. Even in college when I was too cheap to buy a newspaper I would always hurry into the school library to make sure I got to your column before it disappeared.

There would often be photocopies of your columns hanging in our dorm bathroom. Something to be truly proud of indeed.

Ahen I graduated I introduced your column to the otehr people in my office and I could tell it was Dave Barry day when I would hear snorts and chuckles from the other cubicles as everyone hurried to the Miami Herald website.

When I got married I was impressed that my wife's grandfather would often mail us your column (even though we had read it alread).

Now, as a preacher I must say that the congregation enjoys it when I use stories from your columns for illustrations. Yes, your stuff is even read in church, can you believe that?

So, as I continue to weep into my collection of Far Side cartoon books mourning the absense of Gary Larson I hope that I will not have to mourn your absense for too long.

I have enjoyed reading about Rob and Sophie as they have grown up and I use your tips as I raise my own little daughter. (note: never leave the kids alone with helium)

Well, hurry back. And I hope the blog keeps us all informed of the important matters and policies that affect us.


You were an English major??

Dave, best of luck with your new career selling on Ebay. Can I still reach you and give you the ideas at this address? I have some great advice if you're installing more RAM.

Suggestion: Do a movie called 'blog', the thing that ate New York...for good.

So long Dave and thanks!

One of the high points in my life was being thanked by you for the link to a Sunflower Seed Spitting incident in Webb City, MO. My wife is convinced that I was more excited about that than our wedding!

PS Can we have a new novel soon?

Dave - thank you for all the times you made me laugh when I wanted to cry. Your humor was a great gift. Much happiness for 2005.

dave, along with everybody else, i'll miss you.

wear your mr. snail suit sometimes and think of us.

Dave, say it ain't so!

I have been reading your columns and books since I was 8 or 9 and I'm 22 now. Not once have I ever been dissapointed. You are one of the funniest...no, THE funniest and most original columnist/author ever. Thank you for making my Sunday mornings fun. Like someone said before, I hope you get bored soon! But whatever you decide, I hope you and your family are happy. Thanks for the laughs!

By the way, were you really in a rock band with Stephen King? Are there any albums?

One more thing; what is TTFN?

I think yer sooper-cul. You make me want to la-la. Thanks for the laughs;,b

I had tears in my eyes as I finished up reading your column today, Dave. And I am not making that up.

You will be missed! Try not to be gone too long. Best wishes to you, and thanks for so many years of laughs.

Enjoy the sabbatical Dave. Hopefully it'll just be a short one.

You'll be missed.

TTFN = Ta Ta For Now

Sunday Morning: Comics, Sports, Dave. Now there are only two.

eleanor: dave plans to continue blogging :)

Seriously, when I said you could give up the column because your movie career was about to really take off, I was just kidding. All that stuff about 'the next Tom Cruise', that was the beer talking.

Have a great time, and thanks for all the great times you gave me weekly over the past years. I enjoy seeing the world through your eyes. The novels are fun too.

Enjoy the new freedom. Glad you're still creating - even if it's (not its) not published every Sunday.
Be well.

Thanks, really. I mean that.

London Sundays are already grim enough, they will be unbearable without you. Please come back soon.

hi! i was the one at the book-signing at stacy's, in SF, during the Japan book tour -- brought 3 books to be signed, told you i only survived the year in japan [1988-9] because my sister sent me your columns every week...

still a reader-laughing-out-loud, after all these years. go have a good time! god knows, you earned it.

I'm relieved (was going to say "glad" but that doesn't fit) to see that others were in tears today while reading your last column Dave - it's a hard to think of going through the turmoil we have and the turmoil to come without you every Sunday. (And yes, the saddness of Jerry Orbach's passing only makes things worse.)

I was incredibly relieved and happy to be able to get one last "thanks" in the blog before you left your column (although Judi promises you will keep her company occasionally on the blog) - it was a personal goal and a personal best.

Remember now, acording to Bacon's you are "reputable" - don't blow it by staying away too long.

I hope I can find enough of your (you're?) books to keep me busy till you decide what you want to be when you grow up. I think I've aready read most of them... Thanks for the yuks.

Thank you for everything. Sundays will never be the same.

God Bless you and your family.

and Judi too ;)

I suppose that after 22 years, you deserve a rest, but I'll always miss the warm feeling I get in my Depends when I read your column and blog.

Many thanks Dave & Judi. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

May the wind be always at your back,
And you have 'smooth' sailin' for the next 40 years or more!
Enjoy! Bless you and your family.


But, you're keeping the Blog... right??

Dave, thanks for everything.



Dave's incorrect when he stated he has no useful skills. He's got a keen eye for rock band names. I suggest he move into the music promotion biz. At the very least, a year in that biz should keep him in humorous (or perhaps tragic - they're hard to distinguish sometimes) tales.

I've been a devoted reader for years and will miss the column. Best wishes always. God bless.


I'm surprised at this outpouring of emotion on the blog.

I mean, it was ONLY a sewer lift station they named after you ...


who'da thunk it?

(Nope. Was trying to figger out how to work in a "keep up the good work ..." here somewhere.
Still can't make it fit ... )

Dave, I haven't read your last column yet. Once I've read it, then there will be no more new columns (for at least a year, right?) I'm REALLY good at this denial stuff.

At the book signing in St. Louis, you and Ridley signed a copy of Peter and the Starcatchers that I gave to my dad for Christmas, and you signed a a copy of Boogers Are My Beat that I gave to my son-in-law. They both enjoyed the gifts greatly. My son-in-law especially got a kick out of the inscription "For Tim, who is supposedly a good son-in-law."

My mother is hard of hearing, and getting a little, um....dense, and we had the following conversation when Dad opened his present.

Dad: Oh, it's signed! That's really neat.

Mom: Who wrote the book?

Me: Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson.

Mom: Who signed it?

Me: Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson.

Mom: I know who wrote it, but who signed it?

Me: Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson.

Mom: No, No, No. Who signed the book you just gave your Dad?

Me: Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson.

Mom: I am done asking you who wrote it. Now I'm asking you who signed it.


Mom: Oh.

Dad: I need a nap.

How come all this sounds like an obit ? you dead ?

Baby please don't go
Baby please don't go
Baby please don't go
Down to New Orleans
Ya know I love you so
Baby please don't go~

Thanks a lot, Dave. I first "heard" about you when I picked up "Dave Barry's Complete Guide To Guys" at a book store at a central bus station, so I will have something to read during a long bus trip.

Today, 6 (or so) books later I wish to thank you for brighting up so many days and also wish you that you'll find whatever it is you're looking for in the upcoming year.

A guy(!) from Israel, a place where you are hardly known, but some central-bus-station book stores may even possibly (probably due to some error) have a book of yours.

19 years ago, when my wife was pregnant with my son, I stumbled on a book called, "Babies and Other Hazards of Sex." It was so funny, I bought copies for all the pregnant dads I knew. I still give it to expecting parents. Imagine my happiness to discover that Dave Barry wrote other things, too!

Dave, you were, are, and always will be "The Funniest Man in America." I hope that the "other things" that you will be doing this year will still be things that will make us laugh. And, optimist that I am, I expect that you will be back to writing columns next year. So I won't say goodbye. But rather, have a nice vacation. And I'll see you April 2nd in Cerritos, CA! In the meantime, see you around the blog!

Oh, and BTW, the blog clock is still wrong.

Oh! And Uncle Omar. You are a photographer? Did I mention that I'm a make-up artist? You should drop me an email!

Dave, I've been a reader for a long time and became a devoted fan when my husband and I bought our first house (a fixer-upper). Even though we have a newer house now, we still call our furnace "Old King". Since my husband's job responsibilities might now take him to Japan, he received "Dave Barry Does Japan" for Christmas. It was read by both of us in two days with much side-splitting laughter. Pretty good staying power for a book published 13 years ago.

All the best to you and your family. I raise my soft, Philly pretzel (covered in mustard, of course)in your honor.

Hey Dave,
I'm just another punk kid from Minnesota with a bleak future and more bleak mental outlook, but your writting has never failed to make the impossable happen- you make people, in all their stupidity and innate evilness, laugh and forget to be so overly... adult. Even me. When I asked my Mom if she read you this morning, she said yes and what a major bummer it was. I myself had to go into my bedroom so she didn't see the tears. Speaking of which, the keyboard is getting hard to see through the blur. My love to your family whom I've never met, but feel like I know. And all my respect and appreciation to you Mr. Barry. Please don't stop writing for too long. People need you, cuz people need to laugh.

Please come back soon. Now I don't know what to do with my new Dave Barry calendar. A serious collectable...........not. He will be missed.

No, no, no! How am I going to get thru the week without your Monday morning column in Newsday. It's the only thing that ever made me laugh out loud while reading the newspaper. Come back soon!!

Thanks for all the laughter.

Oh - and 100.

This is just a joke, right Dave? Dave? Dave??????
O.K. maybe it's not, but I'm checking the paper next week anyway, just in case.

*Moves all Dave's books over to the Calvin and Hobbes, Bloom County, Far Side bookshelf. Starting to get filled up*

Excellent as always, Dave. You have to stop and smell the roses, otherwise who is going to tell Sophie longwinded, boring stories of roses and the way they used to smell?

Have a fabulous 2005.

Free Squid

When Dave leaves us tomorrow
We’ll still have great memories
Though he must be travelling on, now,
So many things he’s helped us see
And if he stayed here with us, now
For us, that’d be pretty great
But he’s as free as a squid now,
And a squid you can not change.
And a squid you should not cage.
And a squid’s not prone to mange.
Lord knows squids are strange

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
And though this feeling we can’t change.
Please don’t take it so badly,
There’s just no purpose assigning blame.
But if we must point the finger
For why things’ll never be the same.
Let’s all castigate Cher now,
'Cause our squid’s mind we can not change.
The squid’s priorities rearrange.
No the squid you can not change.
Lord knows, he won’t change.
Lord help us, please don’t change.

"I woke up Sunday morning and I looked around the
room. I noticed somethin was missin but I did'nt
know it was you. Darlin you dun left me and I
wonder where you at. You done stomped upon my
heart and squashed that sucker flat. I don't
understand it I thought I had you landed. Baby you just sorta stomped on my aorta."
Suferin in Texas.

Dave, I didn't read every single column faithfully, but I read an awful lot of them, as well as some of your books. My husband read parts of "Guide to Guys" to me when we were on a road trip and I laughed so hard I had to pull off the road so's I wouldn't plow into the path of an oncoming 18-wheeler. New Year's Eve I read your year in review, to my husband, and he literally started choking with laughter.

How do we love you? Let's put it this way. If I have to sell my body on the street I'm going to scrape money together to see you in Rochester, NY in March. Unfortunately, that will be a tough sell.

Over the years, if I ever needed a good laugh, you were just a URL away. As one lizard said to another, "Iguana miss you."

See you later.

Thanks for the great columns, Dave. You're probably the wackiest comedian/columnist I ever read. If you are coming back in 2006, let the world know. We'll be waiting for you.

We'll miss you, Dave. You made the diabolically difficult job of writing hilarious columns look easy, almost inevitable, and made me think I could take a shot at it myself without serious physical and emotional trauma.

So... there's an opening now, right?

By far, the most depressing news of '05.

Here's a Black Russian toast to ye; Dave. I think I speak for all of us when I say, "ARRRRRRRRRRRRR."

sly, was your mother Abbott or Costello?

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