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January 26, 2005


This blog totally missed American Idol last night, because this blog went to the moving pictures with Mrs. Blog. So if you saw the show -- which of course is unlikely, as you were probably reading the works of Marcel "Bud" Proust in the original French -- feel free to put your report in the comments section. Thank you.


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My vote goes to the guy who played the digital bagpipes, no matter what Simon Cowell said about him.

Well Dave you missed A LOT!...the last guy (lamar or something like that) who spoke some kind of English language mixed with Ebonics and what sounded like patois was hilarious!....he did not sing, he just jumped and kept saying "you dig it" and we finally never found out why he was there....there's just so much more to report but I will let the other bloggers tell you more..

Randy - Could "really feel" some of the contestants, Dog. Others, he just "couldn't feel" at all. Maybe he should try Bill O'Riley's Loofa/Falafel.

Paula - Would make disgusted faces, reacting to the bad singers, and then would tell them how bright and wonderful they are.... but they would not be going to Hollywood.

Simon - Was bored most of the time so he entertained himself by flirting with Paula like an 8 year old boy, being verbally mean to her to get her attention. Paula falls for it as usual.

Gene - Scared the crap out of everyone by admitting he is a country music fan.

Fine reports, so far.

Highlights of last night's American Idol:

-4 people with actual singing talent showed they belong on a show like this, and were sent on.
-12 people were on the border of moving on, but none did, and all but one cursed Simon's mother's name, tried to pick a fist fight with security, and attempted to light the set on fire (the other contestant was a pacifist mormon who just spit upon the floor and left).
-Randy set a World Record for the most times saying the words "bro" and "dog".
-2,354 showed up but were sent home because they looked too "not hot".
-2 people brought Paula Abdul flowers (ironically the same two who bought her last album)
-everyone cried
-1 person lost their keys

There you have it, yet another great American Idol show, you gotta love that FOX network.

(attn: may or may not have actually seen the episode last night. I have a condition that makes it hard to tell the difference between American IDOL and American GLADIATORS, so my apologies for any inaccuracies in my account)

If I knew there was to be a pop quiz this morning, I would have done my homework and watched American Idol. I watched 24 in anticipation of a pop quiz, and was sorely disappointed when it was a discussion class instead.
Will this count on the final grade?

oh man, am I in trouble in this class... all I can remember is some weird guy bellowing out 'I put a spell on you' and causing a 5-minute discussion on where his 'talent' would be best used, although it certainly wasn't by singing.
What movie did you see, Dave ?


What moving picture did you see with Mrs. Blog?

I don't know, the Movie Theater Projectionist Guy that sang either Everybody Have Fun Tonight or Celebration (it's hard to tell with a voice like that) was entertaining. And Leroy, the Crunk-Talker was amusing. And, whatever it was he did, he wasn't that bad at it. It's just that nobody knows what he did. Sort of like Mr. Goth "I Put a Spell on You" Dive Cabaret Singer.

Why would somebody get on there and yodel, though? For what logical reason?

I did not watch the show last night, choosing instead to clean out my refrigerator, which was "simply awful" in that it hadn't been cleaned in a couple of years, "I am being serious, it was dreadful" but I hummed "Proud Mary", even the part at the end where you just go "Doot, doot, doot" and "showed a lot of spirit" even though the goo at the bottom "was a little pitchy" I scraped it clean.

Dave --

Listen, Dog. Can we get a review of the movie you and Mrs. Blog saw? Did Mrs. Blog feel the same way?


ps Gene Simmons advising the born again Christian contestant to try more country tunes as they would be less in conflict with his faith as pop songs was pretty amusing. Pop songs, according to Simmons, are more about sexual romps.

We had a yodeler, which I guess is kinda bad because they made him go behind a screen and sing as a punishment but they still didn't ask him to come to Hollywood.

We had a Goth/Swing/Ugly dude that sang ok in a suavish hellish theme kind of way which Simon said was good if he wanted to wear a diaper and sing in a back alley cabaret. All of the judges were complimentary but seemed a little shaken. Backstage the guy seemed pleased as he bargained for people's souls.

There were of course:

A number of screamers

Nerd boys

Nerd girls

A really tall dude in a nice suit that sang "Eye of the Tiger". Simon told him to keep up the good accounting.

A few pretty good singers.

One totally hot young girl that could sing.

A guy that sang "In the still of the night" very well... but since he was a minister Gene Simmons told him that Satan would not allow him to perform rock and roll and he should be a country singer - Simon, Paula & Randy voted him through anyways.

Several identical twins... Some got through.. some didn't... and bizarre disagreement over one set where everyone agreed one twin could sing better than the other so they split them up and still crushed their hopes like a boa constrictor squeezes the life out of a rooftop squirrel. Lots of cursing from the contestants afterwards

And finally the "incomprehensibles" which was the most entertaining part... it was a compilation of the most un-understandable people in the competition capped off by the outstanding performance of stomper Leroy Wells who could pull the "crunk" teeth out of his mouth at any time and show you his white teeth, "deez is for crunk.... and deez is fo' ya momma" which was the only part I understood besides his singing and stomping, which consisted of "Hey... Hey Hey... I'm gonna gobblety gob ya Momma" or something like that.

That's all... besides the banter between the judges. Simon got Paula completely undone and Gene Simmons kept drawing satanic stars on the walls with goats blood and chanting, "What have I done to offend you Master?".

Oh and another thing that really creeped (sp?) me out was when Gene Simmons said he LOVED Rosemary Cluny's music...and I don't know about you but he's a bit strange don't you think???...and does anybody know what the guy that works in the movie theather as a projectionist sang???..I could not identify the song...he looked like a swedish william hung...


Yours is the best and most coherent report of all...you explained the whole show in just a few words...thanks!

"Sideways." Excellent.

Speaking of movies, whilst we await Dave's review of the movie he saw last night, the wifester and I recently saw "In Good Company" and agreed it was the best movie we'd seen in some time...

I could swear I saw a teenager with a TK-5000 trying to sneak up behind Simon.

Paul Giamatti, aka "Pig Vomit", is awesome. Underrated and under-publicised.

I've been wanting to see this movie, even more so now that it has a few Oscar nods and good reviews from highly respected, yet intriguingly misunderstood South Florida columnists.


Normally I would "have your back" on your decision to spend time with "Mrs. Blog", but in this case, I can't. For one, I was hoping to meet her at that movie, which we were "saving". For two, American Idol was television greatness in itself. Here is just part of what you missed:

Simon: What can I say? That song was so bad, children all over the world have lost their will to beg for cereals with plastic toys in the box.

Paula: You are so dreamy. I want to eat pancakes off your chest. But your singing was a little off tonight.

Randy: I wasn't feeling you, dog.

Jack: Dammit! It doesn't matter! My singing doesn't matter! Don't you get it? If I don't win, the terrorists will gain access to top secret attack ferret technology SecDef Devane hid in the Fox News Studio, on this same campus. I have to keep winning, so I can hang around here.

Simon: That's even less plausible then the stuff I've been reading on Dave Barry's blog.

Paula: Pancakes!

Randy: I'm feeling that plot line, Dog. Can you sing Darlin' Nikki by Prince? We'd have to bleep that whole thing, then the public won't know.

Jack: I'll try.

for mudstuffin-
'Spent the last night in my icebox.
Found a lot of gunk in my crisper tray
But I never lost one minute of sleep
Worrying 'bout if Simon is really gay.

I think that old milk is turning
Fumes from Freon are burning
Cleaning, cleaning
Cleaning out the icebox.

Poor Paul Giamatti- I can't look at him without thinking of Howard Stern saying:

"Please dear God, kill Pig Vomit".....

Anyone else getting 0's listed for all the comments today? I can't tell when anything's updated because it keeps saying there aren't any comments. Did someone move the blog page into a black hole? Does the blog clock have a hand in these tricks?

"Doot, doot, doot," etc.

Love the reports everyone! Probably so much better than the show itself.

I think the frost-bite I got last night while snowboarding is less painful than watching yet another round of "American Idol"... especially: "The Gene Simmons Edition"

Rock on! :)

I totally screwed up. I misread the assignment. I have no idea what happened on "American Idol." I was watching "Gilmore Girls." I could give a recap on that fine show, if you would like. Please don't fail me, Dave.

Dave - actually, we were all REreading Marcel "Bud" Proust in the original french.....

We're not just a bunchayahoos here...

Well, some of us are....

Umm, Dave...2 words...


Something every guy should have.

Dave ... what did you think of the naked guy running at the car and slamming full frontal into the window ... that's something you don't see every day :)

So bummed I missed American Idol ... but I was out drinking dirty martinis.

Don't you just hate it when bartenders don't wash martini glasses properly?

Don't you just hate it when bartenders don't wash martini glasses properly?

That's what you get for hitting 'Post' once.

*passes Punky a bottle of Pine Sol to clean her dirty martini*

C-bol - I just laughed so hard that my tummy hurts!

Elle listens to Howard Stern? Better watch out or they'll yank your membership card.

I like it dirty. And I like my martinis that way, as well.

Movie projectionist nerd sang "Dancin' in the Streets" more in the style of the Bowie-Jagger remake that the Martha and the Vandellas original.

Sounds like the epitome of artistic achievement ... from the judges.

Sorry I missed it ... NOT!

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