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On first approach a straightforward suggestion of sex leaves the vast majority of girls stone cold. This also applies to things non-verbal. First impressions are vital and if the first thing you do is mention sex, touch her , or get caught looking down her cleavage then she will conclude that you are not for her.
Wow, Judi, why did we never learn this stuff at school? It would have saved so many smacks in the face and increased the "mid-blowing sex" success rate. THank you, thank you, thank you!
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | December 20, 2004 at 08:01 AM
I already tried to stop that to correct the first mistake I noticed -- if you check you'll see the corrected version ('the' not 'teh') was posted first.
Now let me add 'mind-blowing sex' for 'mid-blowing' which means nothing I can think of.
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | December 20, 2004 at 08:03 AM
And Marvin, notice the 'first' was in the quote, NOT in my comment.
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | December 20, 2004 at 08:04 AM
On first approach a straightforward suggestion of sex leaves the vast majority of girls stone cold. This also applies to things non-verbal. First impressions are vital and if the first thing you do is mention sex, touch her , or get caught looking down her cleavage then she will conclude that you are not for her.
Wow, Judi, why did we never learn this stuff at school? It would have saved so many smacks in teh face and increased the "mid-blowing sex" success rate. THank you, thank you, thank you!
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | December 20, 2004 at 08:04 AM
Now my real 'first' comment got pushed down not once but twice! Too too weird.
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | December 20, 2004 at 08:05 AM
mid-blowing sex: See 'oral coitus interruptus'
Posted by: insomniac | December 20, 2004 at 08:06 AM
Sean, which one's yours?
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | December 20, 2004 at 08:07 AM
But the last one got pushed ahead of Sean's comment.
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | December 20, 2004 at 08:09 AM
Aw Judi - it was nice of you to throw in a picture for the boys. Now, back to your main focus - pictures for the girls!
Posted by: Somewhere North | December 20, 2004 at 08:20 AM
Hmmm, evidentally Pulling Birds is considered Mature by the school server.
Posted by: rita | December 20, 2004 at 08:27 AM
"How to Pick Up Girls"-
Hint: Lift with your legs.
Posted by: insomniac | December 20, 2004 at 08:51 AM
i'm curious if everyone realizes they're commenting on different parts of this one... :)
Posted by: judi | December 20, 2004 at 09:15 AM
that's true, judi, Thomas Inch didn't let an unfortunate name stand in the way of picking up girls. Why ? Because he maintained eye contact!
Posted by: insomniac | December 20, 2004 at 09:21 AM
I got a message: "Access Denied: Sex Education."
Interesting.
Posted by: slyeyes | December 20, 2004 at 09:32 AM
Go in like a sex-starved rottweiler with your tongue hanging out and sex on your mind and you are almost certain to be rejected
1. If the man can "go in," then he is probably accomplishing his goal.
2. Would a foxhound be more appropriate?
Posted by: Marvin | Paranoid Android | December 20, 2004 at 11:10 AM
I keep getting advice that going ...in like a sex-starved rottweiler with your tongue hanging out and sex on your mind ... is exactly what I should be doing.
*is confused*
Posted by: kibby F5 | December 20, 2004 at 11:34 AM
Well, Kibby, it all depends on what you're going into. ;)
Posted by: Shannon | December 20, 2004 at 11:55 AM
He was so thin I swear you could have used him for a whip
he had to drink a beer to keep his britches on his hips
I knew I had to ask him about the mysteries of life he spit between his boots and he replied
It’s faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, and more money
- Tom T Hall
Posted by: pogo | December 20, 2004 at 01:58 PM
Thanks Judi. I need more beautiful girls in my life.
8>
Posted by: Psycho_Joe | December 20, 2004 at 06:29 PM
*** ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ***
--- This is NOT spam. This is NOT spam ---
--- Only 11 More Days Left to Sign the Card! ---
With apologies to those that have already contributed:
We are putting together a farewell-from-weekly-column-writing card for Dave, and we are trying to get everyone to sign it by the end of December.
Please ensure you have signed the card soon - click this link to find out how.
*** That is all. That is all. ***
Posted by: wysiwyg | December 20, 2004 at 06:33 PM
Well!
A little something for (nearly) everyone, eh?
TNX judi!
Posted by: Uncle Omar | December 20, 2004 at 09:27 PM
I think Judi is into the eggnog a little early. I also think the little hamsters that put the posts in their (not they're) correct places on the blog are also hitting the eggnog.
Posted by: alanboss | December 20, 2004 at 09:47 PM
Testing....
Posted by: Christobol | December 21, 2004 at 04:29 AM
That's odd. My posts seem to have been swept up in the blog's SuperColonBlow last night. Oh well, other than the secret to world peace, the cure to cancer, and the funniest joke ever told amongst carbon life forms, I don't think I had posted anything worth keeping.
Posted by: Christobol | December 21, 2004 at 04:32 AM
Yes, over on the French squid-launching thread, I have interpreted Christobol's cure for cancer from French to English via Babel Fish, but I think it lost a little something in translation. And now his original post is gone...
Posted by: Marvin | Paranoid Android | December 21, 2004 at 06:15 AM
I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??
Posted by: Bekah | December 21, 2004 at 07:05 AM
I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??
Posted by: Bekah | December 21, 2004 at 07:05 AM
oh great it wouldn't work and so i clicked it too many times and it did it over and over again i'm so sorry.
Posted by: Bekah | December 21, 2004 at 07:07 AM
I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??
Posted by: Bekah | December 21, 2004 at 07:09 AM
I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??
Posted by: Bekah | December 21, 2004 at 07:09 AM
It is Barry, not Berry (have you been talking to Greg Hill?)
Dave Barry consider's himself, IMHO, not a singer so much as a maker of noise.
And don't worry about quadruple posting. Sticking a completely different post halfway through is artistically genius!
*fab4fan should notice how not snarky he is being*
Posted by: Marvin | Paranoid Android | December 21, 2004 at 07:15 AM
For the record, Christmas Day is the First Day of Christmas, the 12th Day is January 6 -- the Epiphany, signifying the day the wise men actually arrived at the spot where Jesus was born.
Posted by: Ceeg22 | December 21, 2004 at 07:17 AM
C-bol, **ANYTHING** you say is worth keeping. Forget the cure for cancer, can we have another song? :)
Has anyone else noticed an alarming trend in the last week's posts [i.e. judi's posts]? Like that I can't open most of them at work? Of course, I don't really mind..... ;)
Posted by: C-bol cured cancer? | December 21, 2004 at 07:30 AM
Personally, I am rather fond of Judi's posts this week. ;)
Keep 'em coming!!!! They make my work day more interesting...
... I AM sorry I missed C-bol's cure for cancer though...
Posted by: Just | December 21, 2004 at 07:53 AM
I think Judi's selections demonstrate a positive trend. As for the Epiphany - not in the bible either. And it does seem a little bit sacriligious to be talking religion on this choice of post. Bosomy women leaning on cars vs. the Wise Men (or Not So Wise Persons)?
Posted by: Father Time | December 21, 2004 at 07:56 AM
Well Father, that me be true, but did you ever stop (time) to think that
Bosomy WiseMen WBAGNFARB?!
Posted by: Mr.Fishair | December 21, 2004 at 08:07 AM
Mahatma Kane Jeeves,
where were you when this came up for auction?
Posted by: MOTW | December 21, 2004 at 08:18 AM
*snork*
all for the sake of a pudding
Can that be my life's purpose???
*imagining the possibilities*
Posted by: Just | December 21, 2004 at 08:29 AM
Well, Mr. Fishair, being as the Wise Men were perhaps not men after all, they could very well have been Bosomy. At least, the Church of England thinks so.
I recommend bringing on the Bosomy Wise Women in all those nativity scenes.
Posted by: Father Time | December 21, 2004 at 08:34 AM
Anything is better than George Bush portrayed as a Wise Man.
My recommendations would be: Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson and Angelina Jolie as the Three Bosomy Might-Be-Wise Women
Posted by: Father Time | December 21, 2004 at 08:41 AM
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the palace
The Queen was still huffing
And firing in malice
The worker, a young buck
Who auctioned on E-bay
Found himself jobless
With yule a short time away
The question that's ling'ring
In my brain full of air
Is "why didn't he get pudding
Himself if there's spare?"
Alas, now no pudding
No job and no luck
Best wishes for Christmas
You young stupid buck.
***********
In other news, how 'bout a new post, judi? It IS the 5th day of Christmas after all. Well, not really, the 5th day of Christmas is actually December 29, but here in blog fantasy land we're ahead of our time...
Posted by: Rachel | December 21, 2004 at 08:43 AM
Don't forget Pamela Anderson!
Posted by: Eleanor | December 21, 2004 at 08:46 AM
Sorry i'm stupid i don't notice the little things...i more or less notice the big picture.
Posted by: Bekah | December 21, 2004 at 08:47 AM
Since women only earn $.79 to the dollar compared to men, it seems only fair that there should be 4 (four) Bosomy Wise Women for every 3 (three) non-bosomy Wise Men, n'cest pas???
Posted by: Eleanor | December 21, 2004 at 08:47 AM
Have a Tipsy Winter Solstice
Have a tipsy winter solstice;
It's the cold time of the year
You just know that there'll be snow,
so ya better drink more beer.
Have a tipsy winter solstice;
And when you walk down the street
You'll stumble into a stranger or two
and soon new friends you'll meet.
Oh, oh, the friendly ho
stands where you can see;
Patiently waits for you;
Kiss her once for me.
Have a tipsy winter solstice,
with a case or two of beer,
then get silly with a friendly filly,
so you won't freeze this year.
Posted by: Christobol | December 21, 2004 at 08:48 AM
Bravo, Cbol. As usual.
Posted by: pogo | December 21, 2004 at 08:54 AM
Oh, and Rachel - yours was good too!
Posted by: pogo | December 21, 2004 at 08:56 AM
I advocate right along with Eleanor for extra Bosomy Not So Wise Women. And of course, I advocate for Pamela Anderson because she is Canadian. 4 Bosomy Not So Wise Women. Seems only fair.
I wonder how long Christobol's post will last before it disappears again...
Posted by: Somewhere North | December 21, 2004 at 09:00 AM
My recommendations would be: Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson and Angelina Jolie as the Three Bosomy Might-Be-Wise Women
I was going to criticize Father Time for the "might be wise women" wording......then realized that since they are worth a few dollars more than I......perhaps all of their brains aren't in their ramparts.
Posted by: slyeyes | December 21, 2004 at 09:18 AM
Ring Those Bells
Dashing through the blog
'Fore tasks take me away,
Workin' like a dog,
And like a dog they pay;
This phone will always ring,
something's just not right,
What fun is it to be working
From morning until night?
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
An hour or two ago,
I thought I'd take a break,
Hoping it would help
my head to stop its ache;
My boss came bursting in;
Misfortune seemed my lot;
I know perhaps it is a sin,
Somehow my boss got shot!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
Don't you hear what I say!
I've got to find someplace to hide
Before I'm sent away!
So now I have to go,
perhaps I'll go to hell
for now I'll hit the snow
To where I must not tell;
But there will a bar
A piano they will play,
And even though it's not so far
Perhaps there I will stay
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
Listen to what I say!
Or else they'll lock me up inside
and throw the key away!
Now the bar is full
Come here while you're young,
Meet the girls and you'll
See why this song I've sung;
Just get in here today
come hither with all speed
Let Christobol show you the way
To satisfy your need.
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Oh Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
Or just yell 'what the hey'!
Come on with me and we will hide
And laugh our cares away!
Posted by: Christobol | December 21, 2004 at 09:25 AM
a. Who's Greg Hill?
b. I know Dave Berry because he was my 2nd grade teacher's son.
he performs in a Christian band.
Posted by: Bekah | December 21, 2004 at 09:32 AM
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all ‘round the blog
Not a creature was stirring, except my dumb dog
who curled by the fire, his tongue wet and swift,
and gave himself a “yule bath” if you get my drift.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While crystals of Ritalin danced in their heads;
And mamma in her slippers and tattered old housecoat,
lay prone and snored in a haze of Doral smoke.
I lay down myself, and was very nearly sleeping
when out from the study I heard such a beeping
that I ran down the hallway, and stopped at the door
as a voice said “You’ve got mail”, and then, “you’ve got more”.
There were messages from Sweden, Thailand and France
A potion to make Johnson rip right through my pants
Prescription drugs that I could add to my stash
A Nigerian fellow with oodles of cash
There was so much data! Too much information!
My PC was clogged with profane execration!
What once was a tool for efficient communication
had become nothing more than a digital vexation!
While deleting missives wholesale, to my bloodshot eye appears
A curious sight, a chubby elf with pointed hat and ears
A regular-size laptop he had strapped on his back,
And a wireless modem peeked out of his sack.
His eyes -- how they shifted! his hands never still!
His breath extraordinary – my dog would be ill!
when I saw that his mouth was pubically bearded,
I knew then I spoke to “Cabeza de la Mierda”
“You are the source of this cyber-space wasteland!
The King of all spammers who ever did spam!”
While I thus sputtered and fumed at him vainly
He said “first amendment” and flipped me off plainly.
My mama had taught me, that’s not “number one”
I knew in an instant just what must be done
Tho’ ‘tis a sad world, this’ll make it one notch better
and shoved him willy-first into the shredder.
I couldn’t dispatch the crapweasel completely,
a little fer-shizzled I was and he broke free
He ran behind my monitor and as he escaped
He sent me three emails about low mortgage rates
So, all ‘round the world on this eve of Christmas
As we dream our dreams and hold on to our wishes
My holiday gift to you all then this is:
At least it really burns when he pisses.
Posted by: mudstuffin | December 21, 2004 at 09:51 AM
I didnt realize that the Rock Bottom Remainders were ... a ... Christian band? Wow, apparently I've been .. well, elsewhere. Apparently. *blinks*
Posted by: Tygger | December 21, 2004 at 09:55 AM
Have yourself a merry little crime spree, C-bol.
Posted by: insomniac | December 21, 2004 at 10:01 AM
"profane execration" wbagnfa punk band.
Posted by: Rachel | December 21, 2004 at 11:05 AM
timleary, if you're going to steal someone else's work, give credit where credit is due. ((?)) :) timleary's quite funny essay is today's Borowitz Report, and is available at borowitzreport.com daily. It's usually quite funny, actually, and because it comes out daily it's always on current events.
Posted by: Denverman | December 21, 2004 at 12:31 PM
C'bol,
You know that joke too, eh?
Eleanor/Lily,
Right On!
4 works for me!
Posted by: Uncle Omar | December 21, 2004 at 06:42 PM
This is without a doubt the stupidist post this blog has ever blogged. Thanks heaps Judy.
Posted by: Snarky | December 21, 2004 at 07:24 PM
" ... mind-blowing sex ... "
Does this somehow tie into the concept that (according to some females, at least) a man's brains are in his penis?
Or not.
Whatever.
Posted by: Uncle Omar | December 21, 2004 at 08:17 PM
denverman, thanks for the info; i'll delete that post. we are not about to allow copyright violations HERE, for god's sake.
Posted by: judi | December 22, 2004 at 04:54 AM
I Love i
Posted by: Alexa | October 17, 2006 at 02:57 PM