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November 24, 2004


They have reached an even newer new low.

(Thanks to Larry "Larry Fern" Fern)


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That's my kind of funny.

Dave, you, Squarepants and I look a like.

Linda Ronstadt called the Bush Administration a bunch of Hitlers on Thursday in an interview with USA Today. How bitter are the culture wars? Siegfried and Roy's tiger will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom for breaking up a gay act.

Not The Sponge! What is this world coming to?!

As a parent, I hope that Mr. Squarepants is subjected to a slow painful death.

It's going to be kind of difficult to behead him. I mean, where do ya start? If you cut his legs off is that the same thing since there's really no neck (or torso) to speak of?

I think a blow torch would suffice.

"Sir, step out of the car."
"What seems to be the problem, ossifer?"
"Well, you crashed into my favorite strip club, for one."
"You know, they can't serve alcohol in there."
"I know, I always arrive drunk."
"Good idea."
"Speaking of which, would you mind taking a sobriety test?"
"What makes you think I'm drunk?"
"Besides the crash? There's a 27 foot spongebob stuffed in your backseat, you're wearing no pants, and you haven't stopped groping your pickle since I arrived."
"Oh no, I can explain. See, my flight was cancelled because the airport doesn't have any fuel, so I rented a car and stopped to get a burger, which I TOLD THEM TO HOLD THE PICKLES on but they didn't, and I'm allergic to pickles, so I must have passed out briefly and smashed into this club."
"And the pickle groping?"
"Oh, I was just thinking about those Flaming Hot Cheetos."
"Oh. Well, they are pretty hot."
"You said a mouthful."
"Alright, well, I guess you can go."

Oh my god. Say what you will about the tenets of modern society: ignore the rampant crime, creeping facism, continuing Cher concerts, low-flow toilets, and the unabated prolification of country music, but when an innocent SpongeBob can't sit on a Burger King without armed guards, then I for one, and call me a idealistic pioneer, will laugh and wish I'd thought of it first.

Don't tell any one, but I know who stole the Hamburgler statue from the McDonalds at Wallhaven in Akron in 1977.

Brilliant!! Kidnap Spongebob and hold him for ransom, like Fed I wish I'd thought of that.
Of course I sympathize with the parents when they receive his little pinky toe in an envelope.

Ok, actually not so much.

Ah, MAN! I want one too!

Do you think they will show the 'deflating' on the internet?

I once spent a torrid mid-afternoon having my way with a giant, inflatable Spongebob Squarepants.

Granted, it was no Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese snadwich, but I was a little sober.

Who among us is sponge-worthy?

Sean: I'm a little creeped out by the fact that you know what I am talking about, but no, I did not work at Swenson's, (I worked at Rizzi's) and yes, I was drunk. I often ate drunk at Swenson's too.


Are you ready kids?
Aye-aye Captain.
I can't hear you...
Aye-Aye Captain!!
Oh! Who lived on a Burger King roof I did see?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Who's now an inflatable girlfriend for me!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
If naughty-ful nonsense be something I wish...
SpongeBob SquarePants!
I just give my new kinky friend a quick kiss!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob.... SquarePants! Haha.

Boo: you owe me a cheese sandwich. I just spewed mine on the monitor. (In a good way)

They are welcome to him

Hey Boo, least you didn't wake up humping a water bottle.

*Boo having his way with Inflatable Spongebob*

Boo: And after we watch Mystery Science Theater 2000, we're going to the park, ok?

Inflatable Spongebob:

Boo: That's right. And then we're going to wax my back. And I don't want to hear any complaints, because this is MY day, got it?

Inflatable Spongebob:

Boo: Man it's hot today. Frikken torrid, even.

Well, what were you guys thinkin?

I'm thinkin' I missed the boat. When I had the opportunity to create an enterprise, including merchandising, a television show, and a full-length motion picture, based on something you use to get the scungey stuff off the counters, I said, "Nah, who'd go for that?"

I don't know Cbol, I was still working on elle's "square peg/round hole" joke.....

golfwidow, maybe we could work on something about a tee, golfball and pencil with no eraser?

... and they're stuck at the 19th hole .... trying to get out of their bar tab ....

C-bol - The drunk guy meant something else when he told them to hold the pickel.

...who lives in a pineapple with a gag in his mouth..?

Elle's Round Peg Joke Hole Entry # 2764b

A woman storms into a pet shop (knocking John Cleese over) demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this sponge, Bob, and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires, as well as make my floor shine like never before!”

Bob tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I drank a pint of whiskey, put a Barry White cd on, got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained sponge. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the sponge to a back room in the shop, where he places the sponge on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

Just then, a Rabbi, a Priest, and Minister burst into the room.
Rabbi: “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Priest: “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
Minister: “Damn it, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!”
"Aha," says Bob.
“What?” she shouts.
"Well, you can't fit a square sponge into your round hole, especially with a squid" says Bob.
"Can anything be done?"
"Absolutely. But first, Roo Roo!"

What does it say about me that the UPS link was already colored as "visited"-- but I had to double check just to be sure. Yep. Been there. Wish I'd done that.

What can Brown do for you?

Elle's Round Peg Joke Hole Entry # 1969a

A guy walks into a bar with his pet sponge, Bob, puts him up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this sponge’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

"Do sponges have mouths?"
"I think they have square mouths."
"Well then I'm in, because you can't fit a square peg... oh wait did you say the sponge's mouth was square?"

The man loses patience. He gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the sponge’s open mouth. The sponge then closes its mouth as the crowd continues to drink and rock out to John Denver.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the sponge hard on the top of its head. The sponge opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised.

Just then, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi burst in.

Priest: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

Minister: “Oh, thank heavens! For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Rabbi: “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

The sponge violator, annoyed at the interruption, yells, "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?"

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but first, ROO ROO!"

Seeing that UPS is on strike, I will generously offer to take in that poor UPS worker.

Missing: one anthropomorphic sponge.



Please call police with any information.

Much Ado About Spongebob

FRIAR FRANCIS: Did I not tell you he was stolen?

LEONATO: Methinks t'were the prince and Claudio, who didst get the munchies and went out late last night, but Margaret was in some fault for this, although it weren't her will, as she dids't offer to get funky with an inflatable sponge.

ANTONIO: Well, I am glad that all things sort so well.

BENEDICK: And so am I, being else by faith enforced to call young Claudio to a reckoning for it.

LEONATO; Well, daughter, and you gentle-women all, withdraw into a chamber by yourselves, and when I send for you, come hither mask'd as squidbert and patrick.

*Exeunt Ladies*

The prince and Claudio promised by this hour to visit me. You know your office, brother:
You must inflate your brother's spongebob,
And give it to young Claudio.

ANTONIO: Which I will do with confirm'd countenance, just as soon as I finish becoming drunk.

BENEDICK: Friar, I must entreat your pants, I think.

FRIAR FRANCIS: To do what, signior?

BENEDICK: They blind me, or undo me; one of them. Signior Leonato, truth it is, good signior, your niece regards me with an eye of favour, but my love is for the friar alone.

LEONATO: That eye my daughter lent her: 'tis most true. But she is fat.

BENEDICK: And I do with an eye of love requite her, but only as a friend, a fat one.

LEONATO: The sight whereof I think you needn't tell me, Claudio or the prince: but what's your will?

BENEDICK: Your answer, sir, is enigmatical:
But, for my will, my will is your good will may stand with ours, this day to be conjoin'd in the state of honourable marriage: In which, good friar, I shall desire your hand.

LEONATO: Oh do get a room. You have my blessing.

FRIAR FRANCIS: And my hand. Here comes the prince and Claudio.

Enter DON PEDRO and CLAUDIO, and two or three others

DON PEDRO: Good morrow to this fair assembly.

LEONATO: Good morrow, prince; good morrow, Claudio: We here attend you. Are you yet determined today to marry with my son's spongebob?

CLAUDIO: Nay, methinks I'll marry the friar dressed as spongebob instead.

LEONATO: Great, brother; here's the friar ready.

Exit ANTONIO, cursing and spitting.

DON PEDRO: Good morrow, Benedick. Why, what's the matter, that you have such a February face, so full of frost, of storm and cloudiness?

CLAUDIO: I think he thinks upon the friar.
Tush, fear not, man; we'll find a monk for thee,
and all Europa shall rejoice at thee, as once Europa did at lusty Jove, when he would play the noble beast in love.

BENEDICK: Like Jove, sir, I've an amiable low; and sometimes leap'd your father's cow, and got a calf in that same noble feat much like to you, for you have just his bleat.



I hope the kidnappers don't chop off SpongeBob's head!

Somebody tell me I'm dreaming, please! :(

C-bol, you're (not your) a genius!!!!!!!
*has probably heard this line before, from women trying to have their (not there) way with him*

*brushes up next to cbol and sensually whispers into his ear*

"show off"

djt, honey, was it as good for you as it was for me?

*fans bosom*

I must warn you, Eleanor, flattery will only get you unlimited use of my orgasmotron.

Punky, I think you could probably sensually whisper "I really like Chilton's Auto Repair Manual, especially where it deals with the '78 Deisel Rabbit transmission" into a man's ear and still make his knees turn to butter.... and yet leave him standing.

As an aside, who knew that Jimmy Carter got a face-lift and took up newscasting in Minneapolis!

Chris - my head hurts. Both brain cells are on strike. Could you translate Much Ado About Spongebob into monosyllabic modern English.

BTW - the Punkster just has to START whispering for male legs to go all wobbly.

elle - will you marry me? Wait, I'm already married, never mind.

I have a nylon commoode brush. Anyone for a new Disney movie?

uh, toiliet brush.

Priest: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

This line reminded me of an interview that Billy Connelly did one day with the team of a show called "Hey Hey, Its Saturday". The show featured a host, and a second person (who was always off camera) who drove a puppet called "Ozzy the Ostrich".

Ozzy had spent a fair portion of the interview pecking and generally annoying Billy, until Billy was sufficiently provoked enough that he grabbed Ozzy by the neck and said to the puppet:

"If you don't stop that, I'm going to break your neck, and his arm!"

OMG! I remember Ozzy the Ostrich!

I feel so old...

... and dirty

... pass the SpongeBob so I can freshen up. Wring him out first, though. I don't want to have to deal with the wet spots.

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