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November 22, 2004


(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who needs no further comment)


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Are the batteries extra?

I think it must be - made me gag anyway. But then I started considering the possibilities...

Serbia......that's close to Romania, isn't it? Where there's been a rash of penisectomies lately.


Wouldn't the knot, um, sort of cut off the circulation leading to a different kind of surprise for the girlfriend?

What will be next hot fashion product for this part of the anatomy ... a dickie?

I hope male customers will buy them to create a good impression on a first date

First date?? (1) That's quite a presumption and (b) a tie around a penis would be quite an impression. Good? A lot more than a tie depends on that.

Oh, great! It's hard enough to make a decent looking knot around my neck. How the hell am I supposed to see what I'm doing when I'm tying one of those?!

Boo, didn't you say you have an upcoming event that's "Black tie optional?"

This gives it a whole new meaning.

Bill Clinton and Arnold Swartznegger are his clients...why am I not suprised?
Also, this gives me a great idea for what to send to Cheney this year!

---* Individual Performance Certificate *---

Please select from each of the following categories the term that best describes the individual's performance:

Dress sense:

a) Weird
b) Perverted
c) Made an impression (but not in a good way)

Sense of Humour

a) Ribald
b) Obscene
c) Certifiable


a) Half Windsor
b) Full Windsor
c) Four-in-Hand knot

Would you reccoemd this individual to a friend?

a) Certainly not
b) Definitely not
c) Absolutely not

This also give a different meaning to the "four-in-hand knot."

To quote that punchline "Jeez, YOU must have a cluster!"

If you go to his website, the first thing you seee is a guy looking like he's being strangled by about fifty of the world's ugliest ties. Also, it has this nifty little quote, " Tie sybolizes, speaks of things we do not even ask for, so that we learn about them as if we had asked someone else." Frankly, anything I learned from a man's penis tie that I could've learned from someone else, probably isn't a good thing.

Are the batteries extra?

And from elsewhere in the Ananova site, a story that invokes the question: "They spend 8 years training you to be a doctor, and this is the best you can do"?

How do you gauge if you've made the knot tight enough for it to stay on? I mean, I think tying a regular tie is enough of a pain, but at least my neck doesn't shrink and expand.

Can someone tell me why they think this would make a good impression on a woman, first date or not? Personally, if a man whipped out his whippet on the first date to show me its collar, I might choke to death on my drink laughing at him.

Also, what happens when the puppy has to piddle? Is this like a bib?


I could understand a three-in-hand. (Richard and the boys.)

I'm with QueenFluffyTail. There is nothing I want to learn about a person from their penis tie. But most of all, I do not want to learn about any anatomical oddities described by four-in-hand.

P.S. I think Barry's feeling unappreciated. Nobody commented on his first post, so he had to post it again.

Good one, Barry! ;-)

"Honey! Can you come in here and help me with my tie?"

Do they have the clip-on kind?

hmm...Something to add to my collection of naughty gnomes...that'll go wonderful, yes indeed. Especially since these ties I assume, are made mostly for men who aren't well endowed? let's face it, any man who wears a tie on his dingaling has got to be 'lacking'

hmm..this'll go great with my naughty gnome collection. Just the right size, too, since I assume any man who wears a tie on his ding-a-ling has got to be 'lacking'.

uhmmm...I volunteer for the quality control department of this company...

i guess the little head want's what the big head has... a different form of penis envy.

nevertheless, guys, if your girl wants to tie it herself, i'd be very afraid.

Can I get that in 'peesley'?

I should perhaps explain that "Four in Hand" is a type of tie knot, but in this context it adds a certain pizzaz to the performance rating, and if there is anything left to see after tying a Full Windsor, the individual should put themself out to stud.

Julietine: Is that comment from the same girl who wouldn't trade favours for a turkey recipe just yesterday? My, what a difference a day makes.

And sj, I agree. Nobody's getting anywhere near my willy with anything more threatening than a feather duster.

it brings the old wide-tie vs. narrow-tie debate to a new,lower, level.

*gets out lemon-scented Pledge*

Which one of you "guys" won the blue ribbon?



you should say what a difference a Good Chardonnay makes!...YEAH BABY!!

I feel discriminated against. This is one piece of menswear that won't work for females.

BklynNY: only if you wear the fake Groucho Marx glasses to go with them.

Lynn: and it should work for girls as well - just tie the tie around your waist a bit lower than normal and strategically position the knot. I assure you it will work for us guys.

But then pretty well anything works for us guys.

Would that be a direct from 'Dave Barry's Guide to Guys'?

None for me thanks. It's confusing enough trying to tie it with two ends hanging there. The tie, I mean. Although, if snug enough, it is an alternative to those "rings" I've heard about, especially for the guy who doesn't wear jewelry.

Just a thought for a gift pack...one of these with a bottle of Viagra. Could prolong the effectiveness for two or three days. Just beware of gangrene. And "clip-on" = OUCH!

Flashback to an average first date.
Demure Denise. "Al there's a stain on your tie". "What is it?"
Al L. (mumbles) "Fromage I guess".
D D. "FROMAGE! FROMAGE!" "You curd." "You're the mystery cheese poker."
Al L. shuffles feet & blushes)"Uh huh".
D D. All 287?
Al L.(shuffles feet & blushes)"Uh huh".
D D. "Where's your certificate?" "I'm gonna write you up as the tenth most perverted guy I've met this week."

Ted Habte-Gabr may need no further comment, but I bet he could use a vowel or two!

I heard about the penis ties,
and I said "I'll pass"

I said, what's next, scrotum rings
or lipstick for my ass?

I have a limited tolerance
for the metro queer eye

I accept brown belt for brown tie
and longsleeves with a tie

but my din dong isn't pretty
if the truth be told

specially now that I'm near fifty
looking a little old

my doctor would surely snicker and scoff
when he said "turn and cough"
if he saw an adornment penile

he'd sign the papers and ship my off
to where the old folks sleep it off
he'd surely think me senile

"here you go Mud, you can bide your time
take some pills, you'll be just fine
surrounded by tenderness and love"

"all your days will be sublime
with new friends, people of like mind
or a relative lack thereof"

that's "brown shoes".

Mudstuffin, you gave me my first laugh of the day with the lipstick comment; thanks!

(Absolutely no slight intended to the others of you who also made funny comments since I checked last night!)

qetzal, I like the site! I can imagine women ordering syphilis (in blue) for an ex-husband. :)

kbrews -- Wouldn't that lead to mock turtling?

Gag is right. Try checking YESTERDAY's email at 1:43 pm when I sent this. It's not bad enough losing credit to Claire, but now this. I guess you really do need to be a friend of Dave to get your just rewards.

Dare I mention Tie Tack....ouch!
Tie Stick Pin....owww, ouch!

Carry on.

"Lad, I don' know where ye've been, but I see ye won first prize!"

"There will also be a special certificate of excellence that will go with the tie and on which the woman will be able to fill out details of the individual's performance."

Does the tie come in "threadbare"? Do they sell ones that are so small they are almost invisible to the naked (har!) eye? Do the ties shrink in cold water?

Rachel: Threadbare? What sort of message are you telegraphing about yourself there?

I shouldn't ask such questions on this blog. I should just recognise the reality of the company I keep.

And yes, ties shrink in cold water. Unless they are very focussed.

This gives a whole new meaning to the "power tie"

I wonder if guys could ever learn to "tie and dye?"

You've heard of penis mittens, haven't you?

People I doubt that the world be perfect, but often act as if they were. make mistakes in different ways, making mistakes is human. but even so the world is beautiful with all of us living in it.Thank you very much for that information. I liked your blog, the topic is very interesting and I would love be more aware.

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