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November 22, 2004


Does anybody know if anything can be done to stop junk faxes? We keep calling the numbers that the junk faxers tell you to call to have your fax number removed, but the faxes keep coming. Would it be illegal to track down the junk faxers and beat them with a crowbar? What if we just beat their fax machines?

UPDATE: One of the junk faxes we got overnight is urging us to purchase stock in -- we are not making this up -- this product.


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It's been a while . . . FIRST!


Well...unplug your fax machine Dave.

maybe *69? then plug the telephone number into google, and it'll give you the name and address, then plug that into mapquest, bingo, you and the crowbar are on your way. or you can at least go down to the bookstore and sign them up for every magazine you can find registration cards for.

Trystan - a simulpost!
Nice way to start the week - but yours was posted first so I'm trying not to be sad -
*official position - Tryston's been here longer than you, Eleanor, get over it*

Now onto the info ...

Dave, love you man! You can find the answer to many of these questions at www.junkfax.org.

The good news is that federal law that lets victims of this unethical marketing practices sue advertisers for at least $500 per unwanted fax!

Good luck, although the ol' crowbar-to-the-fax-machine method REALLY sounds good to me!

There have been lawsuit which were found in favor of the faxee. Try faxing Aaron Goldschmitt.

Send them a fax and ask them to stop. A 300 page fax.

$500/fax? ::adds "fax machine" to christmas wish list::

i've tried faxing their stuff back to them, and i've tried pushing the 'stop' button when i see a junk fax printing, so that it feeds on through without printing it all. does this work? obviously not. so why am i posting it?

uh-oh, you call the numbers? With spam, contacting the spammer just confirms they have a live one here, and you get even MORE crap.

You are prolly the sort of fool who actually answers his phone too, aren't you? The telemarketers love when you fall for that one! I never answer the phone, and I stay online to make sure there isn't even an available line. You do what you have to do.

A crowbar is heavy. You have to be pretty fit to execute a good beating...and some twits aren't worth the exercise. Just make them eat their faxes. Have them do all the work. If they refuse, you have the crowbar as backup. Make sure it has a cover letter attached, so you can address it to the right person.


In the Declaration of Independence or founding fathers tell us that faxation without representation requires all free men to throw said junk mail fax machines into Boston Harbor.

Or the Atlantic Ocean, in your case. But that might kill the manatees...(which should be allowed to go quietly into extinction along with pandas, IMO. Pandas. Why do we spend so much money trying to keep a species alive that is such a picky eater and only has one offspring every five years or so? They'd have gone extinct without our help, anyway.) So, nevermind...go ahead and kill the manatees. And the pandas. Survival of the fittest!

What was I talking about, again?

*takes another goofball*

There is a theory that the people you call to get unlisted from the fax lists simply sell your fax number to more faxers and takes no other action.

I receive few faxes. In order to send me a fax you have to tell me first, so I will flip the auto-answer switch on the fax machine, which is connected to my voice line. Then you can send me a fax. Once received I turn auto-answer off.

Of course this won't work if you need to receive faxes frequently and at unpredcitable times.

Back in the days of thermal paper (remember that, geezers?) faxes, I would fax two blank sheets of legal paper to the offending party, taped together at both ends, so that they formed a loop. The loop would just keep rolling through the fax machine, creating a huge pile of waste paper at the office of Doody Enterprises or whatever, usually until my boss got an irate call from someone at the other end. Good times.


Fax your butt to them. That'll work for sure!

Mud - good one!

It is generally known that the fantastic deals offered in these faxes for cruises and what have you are pretty much scams too.

mudstuffin has the right idea. but use *black* paper. On new machines they waste expensive toner and on old machines they overheat and burnout.

Hey - how about faxing them one of Nigerian scam letters? Or the butt work for me too.

my post missin letter becase it still MOnday AM here in ohio

Fax your butt to them. That'll work for sure!

Sorry for the repeat, itchy clicker finger.

Mudstuffin and JDC, a black loop of paper = delightfully ingenious!

It is ironic that a company who is sending junk faxes and is therefore a huge pain in the a** is sending information about ass-pain medication.

*Bent over making butt cheeks move with hands Ace Venturesque*

Asss far asss I can tell, those creeps are really asssking for it.


Eleanor, love. If I had the option I would have let you go first. Ladies before gentlemen, of course . . . although I'm not often referred to as a gentleman.

As for the fax removal numbers, I have called them and, surprise!, they have worked. What one should NEVER do is reply to the "unsubscribe" feature on spam. That is guaranteed to fill your mailbox with offers of getting larger members, buying offshore meds, Nigerian bank scams and much, much more. When you reply to that address, they know they have a sucker, I mean a valid e-mail address.

I'm with Leetie, Mudstuffin and JDC. GOOD IDEAS!

Judi, other than these suggestions you can get fax software for a PC. Then you can recieve as many as are sent and delete those of which has no interest to you. The rest can be printed and/or e-mailed as attachements.

Of course you're at the mercy of your (not you're) IT person.


I finally have answers to the question, "If butts could talk, what would they say?" Thanks to the helpful thought bubbles on this Web site, I now know that "Whew!", "Ahhh" and "No more burning!" are just a few of the thoughts butts have.

My personal butt thought bubble: "Thank God for World Toilet Day!"

(*snickers*) I said buttock.

Dave, Dave, Dave. You don't know how easy you youngins have it these days. When I was a mere pup of a lad, before oxygen had been invented, to send a fax we had to carve the words into a stone tablet with our fingernails. Then we would drag it across the desert strapped to our backs because mules hadn't been invented yet either. Or was it across the tundra? No, the tundra was to get to school, and it was through a mine field because for some reason they invented mines before mules. We didn't have any of your fancy "spam" either. When a marketer wanted to get us, the would climb a nearby hill and throw the stone tablets at us. I remember that time sissy got that penis enlargement ad and was in a coma for a week. She still drools a bit and wanders off, but times were rough and we didn't complain, by cracky, because pangea was breaking apart, and we had bigger bugles to toot, and furthermore...


Sorry. Carrying things too far is my hobby.

I still say sue 'em for every penny they've (not Panda) got.

One of the lawyers in our office has taken that as her "pet" project (try THAT for an ESA... )
Last I heard we were up to $36,000 and some change. We haven't SEEN any of that money yet, thats just the value of all the junk faxes she has in her office.

Of course, she's probably trying to get the money to send herself on one of those Fabulous 4 day/ 3 night cruises departing from (her) choice of Cancun, Tampa, or Antarctica and we still won't see a dime of it...

attention all bloggers

The great Dave Barry is asking us for info - which means he's reading our stuff!
I, for one, (or two or t hree) feel very honored - let's be on our best behavior today (translation: our grossest)
Dave - You should fax the hemmoride(?)(don''t have them, don't know how to spell it, too lazy to go to site again) site....oh, damn, I forget where I was going with this - either to the World Toilet convention or something to do with the faxers -
*never mind*

Apparently, all the cool people are using Hemorrelief.

Nobody wants to be a Hemornerd.

isnt there a way to loop the faxes so that you just keep sending the same thing to the same # like 500 times... i dunno. find somebody who annoys you and pass it on.. stupid assinine things.

If my a*s could talk it would say, "I'm lonely."

Just, What do you mean about Tampa being a cruise destination? WHO wants to go there? Unless gambling at the Seminole Reservation is on the agenda?

Hey, folks...anybody know off the top(s) of their head(s) if there's an equivalent sue-the-junk-faxers law in the EU? I'm getting really bored with the once-a-week Cabbage Diet fax. (mutter, mutter)

Regarding the product being promoted; how's this different from sitting on an ice cube?

Bangi, IF it was Joshkr's it would turn and hope for more.

.... but he's just like that, you know....

Now, IF it was mine .... well, *blush*

"Well .... shucks mam. No un 'ver paid me no a'tention like tat b'for."

Sean: just enjoying the sunshine of a Buckeye victory over you-know-who.

My butt bubble says a great number of things, many of which have been documented on the blog already. My personal favorite however was suggested by someone else.


'Nother Ohioan here.

Did our Buckeyes win this weekend? Was busy shopping with the wife on Saturday.

I'm sorry that your (not my) butt is lonely. Hopefully it'll find a butt-buddy soon.....oh wait, I think elle's butt beat you to it.

(Sorry elle, that was irresistable)

Kibby -

Hmmm. Personally, I like Tampa. Of course, I haven't been in a few years, but I have fond memories of the place.
Although the Bucs are suckin' this year in a bad way.... but I digress.

I just through out that name 'cuz I couldn't remember what the Florida city was on the junkfax we get all the time. The only other city I could think of was Miami, and who wants to go to Miami?!?!?


*Threw rather ...

Brian: I'll be brief, because I'm sure the rest of the bloglits don't want to read about local sports issues. They would, I'm sure, prefer that we remain on-topic. So, they Buckeyes faxed a serious butt-whoopin to the Wolverines. Yep, they faxed the squirrel-doody out of 'em.

Hey Dave and Judi,

I like the fax black paper idea. The only drawbacks:
1) You have to pay for a long distance call (so do it from work)
B) They may not be setup to receive faxes at all, since they know 99% are not exactly happy to be hearing from them.

So, two things that you can do:

G) Find out from your local carrier if they offer call blocking, which allows you to enter in phone numbers from which you do not wish to receive calls.

IV) Dial *77 to block anonymous calls to your fax (most fax spammers do not identify themselves, I'm guessing).

9) Some fax machines will allow you to block receiving from certain numbers - so that it will hang up on them (then you don't have to go thru the phone company). Grab the manual or check with your IT lemur.

If NONE of these work, than if ANY of them provide a toll-free number to order whatever crap they are selling, post it on this blog with a request that bored programmers insert it into a script that will simply call the number over and over and over again, thus tying up their line and costing them a bunch of $$$.

Just, I used to live in St. Pete (FL) and my 2 adult children are still there. And still children, but I'm risking digression......

There are cruises leaving Tampa (and Miami). I just didn't know of any having it as a destination, like Cancun.

(I've been researching this as our family wants to take the parents on a cruise for their 50th anna.)

Tampa's an Ok place. Can't knock it.

Knock, knock.

oh, look, something shiney.

Wow, I haven't seen so many happy asses since (your punchline here.)

For some reason, several nights a week about 8:30, a fax machine calls me at home. I don't answer anymore, not after the first 32 calls, but I get that fax scream as a message. I call it the fax machine "mating call". When two fax machines find each other, they spit out paper.

I hate being stalked by a fax machine.

Sly, I think it's really Joshkr. His last technique needed improving. I'm not sure he succeded......

Mud...I gotta remember that loop thingy...that's classic.

Gives Polly big hug.


** Grab the manual or check with your IT lemur. **

ROFL - and yet, not all of us are lemurs, some of us are penguins.

I have to say Fed. Duck.. your post had me silently laughing so hard (at work) that I think I popped a few blood vessels.. thanx!!

Yes, Fed, the image of prehistoric spamming via rock throwing cracked me up.

I really think you and C-bol share some DNA....and I mean that in a good way.

It's a little too late to start a movement, but I think it would have made a definite statement if everyone who voted for Kerry boycotted holiday spending this year and instead donated money to worthwhile, non-discriminatory charities. Not only would it prove that we have true, real values (family or otherwise), but it would also demonstrate a financial power that can't be ignored. Dare I say pass this sentiment along?

Just a thought.

I'm thinking of faxing Mike Martz (Rams coach) a winning playbook and a book on effective time management.

Talk about disappointment.

By the way, new thread, courtesy of Claire, again.

I'm thinking of faxing Mike Martz (Rams coach) a winning playbook and a book on effective time management.

Talk about disappointment.

By the way, new thread, courtesy of Claire, again.

Dis? I'm not sure I follow what family values you're (yes, you're) trying to demonstrate by NOT getting your family anything for the holidays.

... but that's just me.

This just occurred to me. When I had a dedicated fax line, I received lots of junk faxes, but they stopped once I got cheap and started using my phone line for my fax line -- maybe because of the telemarketing laws?

Dave and Judi, here is one thing that I KNOW works, although it does require a little bit of effort.

Pull the lid off your fax machine (don't be scared, these things are nearly indestructible). Look for the call answer module chipset (it's usually bright pink, with a melted barbie head holding it to the chassis). Remove this using your #9 demagnitized pliers. Flip it over and reset jumpers 8 and 12 (just toggle them, Dave, they only have the two settings). Reseat the CAMC (you'll probably want to heat the barbie head up a litte - use your imagination, but most just rub it on the upper thigh of their pants for 30 mins or so).

Now, this will cause your fax machine to delay for 30 seconds before receiving a fax, allowing you to see who is sending you the fax, then you go google the number and find out if it's one of those spammer people.

If it IS, run back to your fax maching and tie a doulbe-knot in the phoneline (be sure it's the labeled "line" and not the one labeled "phone" or else this is a TOTAL waste of time). This will cause the spam electrons to get lodged in your line, causing a backup all the way to the originating fax machine, which will cause it to strain more and more to get the fax out of its system, leading to faxorhoids.

And here's the beauty part - there's no cool medicated pad to treat faxorhoids! Get this, the ONLY way to treat faxorhoids is to remove and clean the CAMC, which is a huge pain in the ass. You'll be laughing at them then! Ha!

Let me know how it works out for you.

Why thanks!

There's really nothing more enjoyable than a warm Platypus.

You know I just realized something. If you take this and put over here, and move this thing down to the end. Yup. There.

You get StuffinMud, which is actually a butt bursting bubble if you assk me, or my butt.


I like how the "butt" on the far right is screaming in pain.

I have heard that a H@@ters was sued out of business by some companies that got tired of getting faxes over their machines. You pick your battles. When I worked for a college, I emailed or faxed back the law that addresses spam faxes with no additional notes, threats, whatever. No repeats! But faxing the black paper is my favorite dirty trick.

Maybe instead of violence you would get the message across with a well-placed flaming bag of poo.

The NBA is in a little bit of a bind, and Ron Artest has a little time on his hands. Perhaps the NBA can be talked into creating a public service initiative to take on this problem. They form a task force that would be "chaired" by Ron Artest. We utilize the method suggested earlier to track down these offenders and they get a visit from Ron Artest. I think this would be a win win all around. Artest gets "it" out of his system; the offenders get socked; and while he is at it he can even peddle his rap CD; and the NBA win back fan support.


I need a cool medicated pad over here!

Something dun burst!


If you DO call the "Stop Faxing" phone number, check it out first with your company to make certain you won't end up with a $29.95 charge on your phone bill.

I only have a fax number to comply with the government requirements to trade with them. It is only used by fax spammers as all government departments prefer e-mail to communicate.

I now have a fax service that translates the fax into an e-mail, and then I set up an automatic diversion for the e-mails so they go to the "Things to read if I ever Cher decides to tour here" folder.

Time to promote Dave's Farewell Card some more. With apologies to those that have already contributed:

Dave’s Weekly Column Tribute and Farewell Card

Have YOU signed the card yet?

My legal department (OK, it's just me) has discovered that it IS illegal to track down the junk faxers and beat them with a crowbar. You may be subject to a fine upwards of $1.50 and, if the case goes to jury trial, a medal and certificate of commendation.

The best thing to do is get all the info you can about the sender and post it on the internet. They'll get so many calls/faxes/e-mails/etc from angry consumers that they will have to pack up shop, move to a new location, get a new phone number and e-mail address, etc. Granted, it won't stop them from picking up right where they left off, but it will annoy the crap out of them. And maybe they will take you off their lists.

Oh, and if you are able to find actual physical addresses for them, be sure to post them as well. Nothing says payback like hundreds of angry people walking in the front door. It also helps people with a thing called "service of process" to issue those summons to small claim court.

stray -- Wow, that may be the most misguided attempt at a user benefit or product feature I've witnessed this year. Nice find!

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