Dave Barry's Blog

THE NEWS FROM PALATKA

It is not good.

IS THAT YOUR SIX-GUN. PARDNER? OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE THE RESCUE SQUAD?

A Canadian parties cowboy style.

(Thanks to Ted Hombre-Gabr)

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN

(Thanks to Ryan Weaver)

VETERINARY QUESTION OF THE DAY

It's probably nothing.

(Thanks to Ridley Pearson)

OU EST LE POISSON DE LA BIBLIOTHEQUE?

I know you never post anything I send you anymore because you hate the French, but that's a real shame, because this would be a good candidate. But oh well. (I also contemplated sending you this but you'd be capable of encouraging your readers to make comments about the French and anuses, so I advised against it). You francophobic *#$&%^!, the frog revolution is coming, sacrebleu!

*shakes fist*

Axel E., révolutionnaire

DAMN TECHNOLOGY

Some of us'll never get a date again.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FAMILY VALUES???

If you say so.

(Thanks to Debbie Henriksen)

THE FRENCH

They can be so freaking French.

(Thanks to Jennifer Arko)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using urine.

(Thanks to DavCat14 and Mike Leone)

FIRST

I'm FIRST, I'm obnoxious, I'm off-topic, I'm wasting blog space, I don't ever have anything to say other than that I'm FIRST... and now I've got the T-shirt to prove it!

-- Guillermo Rodriguez

CRIME IN JAPAN

It is completely out of control.

(Thanks to Alberto Mengoni)

MIRACLE VIRGIN GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH UPDATE

The Miami Herald continues to be all over this important story. Meanwhile, courageous journalist/blogger Jim DeFede is motoring west in a rented Cadillac with the actual sacred sandwich, and a Lotto ticket.

If the Herald doesn't win a Pulitzer prize for this, the Pulitzers are fixed.

PICKLED-KITTEN-THROWING-WOMAN UPDATE

She wants her pickled snakes back.

JOURNALISM UPDATE

This blog's friend and Miami Herald colleague, Jim DeFede, is on a sacred quest.

MORE TO BE THANKFUL FOR

The Jaycees.

(Thanks to Gil Graybill)

IT'S NOT GLANDULAR, IT'S GENETIC

Yeah, that's the ticket.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, birthday boy)

FOR THIS, WE ARE TRULY THANKFUL

Or at least, we were last night.

(Thanks to Punky B. for the assistance)

HEY, EVERYBODY

Have a nice, safe Thanksgiving.

WORDS FAIL US

You will not believe what they're using now.

(Thanks to many people)

THOSE BASTARDS

They have reached an even newer new low.

(Thanks to Larry "Larry Fern" Fern)

ATTENTION. TRAVELERS PLANNING TO DEPART FROM NORFOLK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

Pack fuel.

(Thanks to Steve Tabet)

THOSE HEARTLESS TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using pickles.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE NETHERLANDS

Notice how, being a classy blog, we are not making any jokes about "keeping you abreast."

(Thanks to Kelly)

GOOD NAME FOR A SOCCER TEAM

Flaming Hot Cheetos

HMMMM

Maybe we should invite these guys to visit Washington.

THE WORST PART IS WHEN THEY START SINGING IRISH FOLK SONGS

Getting rats drunk for science.

(Thanks to many people)

CAN YOU HEAR ME BANG

Now the bastards are using cell phones.

(Thanks to many people)

MEANWHILE, IN CHATTANOOGA

...a blow is struck for civil rights.

(Thanks to Ashby)

MOO

We hate it when this happens.

(Thanks to -- yes -- Claire Martin)

CHAT ALERT

I'll be doing a chat at 1 p.m. (Eastern) today for the Washington Post. The bad news is, you have to register. The good news is, if you don't bother, you won't miss anything important.

MIRACLE VIRGIN GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH UPDATE

It has been purchased for $28,000 and, after what we are sure will be a tasteful sandwich-transfer ceremony in Las Vegas, it will be embarking upon a world tour.

THIS IS A GAG, RIGHT?

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who needs no further comment)

IS NOTHING SACRED TO THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS?

Now they're puncturing our cheese.

(Thanks to Barbara "queensbee" Goldstein)

NOTE: "The Cheese-Puncturing Bastards" WBAGNFARB.

POSSIBLE USE FOR JUNK FAXES

Fold them into cranes and drop them on Thailand.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

QUERY

Does anybody know if anything can be done to stop junk faxes? We keep calling the numbers that the junk faxers tell you to call to have your fax number removed, but the faxes keep coming. Would it be illegal to track down the junk faxers and beat them with a crowbar? What if we just beat their fax machines?

UPDATE: One of the junk faxes we got overnight is urging us to purchase stock in -- we are not making this up -- this product.

WE APOLOGIZE IF WE ALREADY POSTED THIS LINK

But, darn it, this is important.

AND THE SO-CALLED "DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY" CONTINUES TO DO NOTHING

Turns out squirrels are not insane. Which means they know exactly what they're doing. And, like fools, we are giving them aid and comfort.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using toads.

Key Quote: "It looks like the ground is moving."

URGENT SPORTS UPDATE FROM COOTAMUNDRA

The locals are Snake Gully bound.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Saucy German Miniatures

(Thanks to gecko)

WE ALMOST FORGOT!

Happy World Toilet Day.

Please observe it appropriately.

JOURNALISM UPDATE

Here's a newspaper article on blogs, pointing out that they can be inaccurate. It mentions my name: Dave Berry.

(Thanks to Chad "Chadster" Harris)

PARENTING 101

You have to start with some good textbooks.

(Thanks to Katie LastNameWithheld)

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, SCIENCE GUY

(Thanks to Michael "Mikey" Seidel)

TOURIST DESTINATION OF THE WEEK

Lincoln, Nebraska.

(Thanks to Eyal Philippsborn)

ATTENTION, MIDDLE SCHOOLERS

Have we got some material for you.

(Thanks to Brian McMahon)

SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT BEAVERS

They know the value of a dollar.

(Thanks to Nancy Klingener, and probably 50,000 other people, but we are on the road and have not been checking email, so sue us.)

ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO HAS TIME TO DO THIS

We want your job.

(Thanks to Alanboss)

SLOW NEWS DAY IN NEW ZEALAND?

We report; you chuckle condescendingly.

TODAY'S NEWT UPDATE

It's a dramatic race against time in Oswestry.