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November 24, 2004


Have a nice, safe Thanksgiving.



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Naw, Cant be.

Hey, we have a lamp just like that one.

Drunk turkeys are hilarious.

Go figure it would be a man looking for the Turkey. A woman never would have lost the turkey in the first place.

Just sayin'

I was trying to think of something witty to say about this, but it's just too difficult to lampoon.

That may be Punky, but a man in that position wearing an apron might not be the best example of the gender for such a generalization.

Punky - He's not looking for the turkey, his jar of pickled kittens fell and rolled under the sink.

Zaphod ... that would explain why he's on his knees ...

You have one, too,fella! We're having a stuffed salmon (Wellington style) I decided to give "Biscuits and Gravy" a reprieve from evecution like my nemesis. (A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush!)

I have fond memories of sitting around the Thanksgiving table while dad took a few swigs of the traditional Wild Turkey 101 and carved into the traditional Thanksgiving lamp.

Then there was that time when he forgot to unplug it. You can believe THAT made the traditional family bloopers video.

evecution? What! Maybe, so. We are celebrating tonight, any how. So "eveacution" (A new word that isn't dirty, I must be retarding. Got to have me a quick drink poo so I can refurbish my mind!)

Then there was the time Christobol came over and f#&%ed a toasted cheese sandwich on our lawn table at the family reunion.

Good times, good times.

And then there was the time that my grandmother "gave" everyone at the table the bird. (MY aunt had forgotten to remove the long neck part that had been stuffed in the cavity at the rear end of the fowl. It came out partially during the roasting and I guess that I don't have to paint you another picture of just exactly what it looked like!) My father laughed his head-off1

Tell aunt Edna I say hello, Fed.

"Do you like cheese?"
"Is there cheese in this sandwich I'm violating?"
"Yes, there is."
"Then YES!"

Fed D.,

Our guess our fathers are going to be sitting up there tomorrow night enjoying their Wild Turkey and Tom Moore.

I have to go right now. Be back later. Don't eat too many sandwitches, Chris! (or you may have a "pooing" problem")

Before I don my road warrior/riot gear and hit the interstate, just want to leave a parting note: for a new twist and tasty treat on all the turkey sandwiches in the days to come, I recommend using Trade Joe's Wasabi Mayonaisse and Trader Joe's Pumpkin Butter (both on the same sandwich) instead of regular mayonaisse, mustard, A-1 Sauce, gravy, ketchup, peanut butter or whatever Christobol is likely to deposit between two slices of bread.

I just had an office Thanksgiving lunch and there were about 10 Japanese co-workers there, reminding us all of the heartwarming story of when the pilgrims first sat down with the natives and shared the first sushi and dressing.

Who Moved In My Cheese

Hem: Does this cheese taste funny to you?
Haw: Yes.
Skip: We told you somebody moved in it.
Skurry: And that you should try the Trader Joe's Wasabi Mayonnaise and Pumpkin Butter instead.
Hem: But I fear change.
Haw: And my mayonnaise was outsourced months ago.

Moral of the story: Change is inevitable, and someone probably did something disgusting to your sandwich.

*takes the bottle away from Christobol*

How 'bout some coffee, friend? The day's still young.

cbol ... I think you meant Sniff ... not Skip. Skip is Ken's lover whom Barbie tried to run over with her pink Malibu Convertible. Or am I thinking of Skipper, Barbie's lesbian lover? Sniff was barbie's pet chihuahua. He loved licking peanut butter off Barbie's pickled kitten.

*rifles thru Punky's 5th grade play*

You're right, of course. I always get flustered when licking peanut butter off Barbie's pickled kitten is involved.


What's your real name??..you are way too funny..you should replace Dave...I need to start a petition right now...

Close, Jeff. That's actually the lamp pa used to whomp that traveling Trader Joe's Wasabi Mayonnaise salesman when he found out "moved in sissy's cheese sandwich" if you get my drift.

I hope you get my drift, because I derailed my canoe of thought a long time ago.

That IS his real name.

He has no last name. He's like Elvis.


LOL..I will add it to my christmas' gift list!

Frank, you mean that turkey baster that I borrowed from granny last year was...oh god. Oh dear sweet mother of jumpin' jesus mary joseph christ on a pogo stick.

*goes to purge himself for a few years*

The link underneath the syringe that says "click to enlarge" frightens me more than the item itself.

Oh Federal Duck,

I just spit out my glass of tequila!..you are too funny!..did I mentioned I am not at work??..I woudl not do that at work...really..I mean it...really...truly...

Chris - your energy is energizing!

Have you ever tried to have aeronautical intercourse with a morotvated pastry unit?

Has anyone else noticed that Dave has been 'WAY more active in the blog since he announced his upcoming hiatus?

No weekly columns but more "blog Dave?" Not a bad trade-off!

Through a fair bit of research and stalking, I've narrowed Christobol's real name down to two possibilities.

1. Sir Percival Quintavius Jamison Perrywinkle Montegue "Hooksnort" Fromage de la Weaselthumper IV, the Duke of Ellington, Earl of Sandwich, Captain of Tennile, Sachmo of Armstrong, Lords of Traci and Head Knight of the Empire of Oddly Constructed Ottomans


2. A waterbed salesman in De Moins named Earl P. "Thud" Weinerbunker.

Although my attempts have thus far been thwarted, the game is afoot, the hounds have been loosed, the gauntlet has been thrown, and the turkey is basted. We shall discover you, good sir!

Julie, I did replace Dave one time. I remember it like yesterday...

We were the jungle, and got captured by cannibals who took us to their cheif. He informed us that we could either write a column for the Miami Herald for 30 years or have an ancient sexual ritual performed on us.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister attempted to save us, but they were easily subdued after performing an hilarious three-man Who's On First bit the details of which are lost to history, but I do remember where the woodchuck comes in.

I chose the column, since I'd just finished a grilled cheese sandwich. The chief informed me that it was an excellent choice, but first "ROO ROO"! Dave said he'd just take the ROO ROO. The chief said it was an excellent choice, but first, write the column! So, he's been waiting all these years for ROO ROO.

Speaking of ROO ROO ... I'm outta here.


Catch ya on the flip side dilly.


My dog just went out into the yard and "roo-rooed." Do you all want me to save it for you? I can put it in the de-hydrator and dehydrate it. Would you like for me to gift wrap and send UPS or USPS?
Looking forward to your order. Please advise.


On topic for a moment, I wonder if maybe the photo isn't the first contestant in an exciting game of twister...oh, wait, no skid mark. Nevermind.

C-bol, how much would you charge to write my Christmas letter for me?

Have a great T-day all.

Magnum, your Chris Tobol actually lives on Lord Byron lane in Cockeysville. That is so improbably, it's gotta be him.

Punky...bad comparison. If Christobol is one name like Elvis, he must also be one name like Madonna, Sting, and (gasp) Cher.

Just as long as he doesn't get really cocky and change his name to Ö

Oh wait, sorry, that was totally the wrong symbol. I meant this §

be sure and click on the link:

"Send Flowers to Christopher Tobol from $29.99 + S/H"

just to show cbol how much we care.

it's a small price to pay.

hey, who keeps sending me all of these freakin' flowers?

I've got like 44 dozen roses in my living room.

[reads card on most recent delivery]

"dear cbol, I want you, call me, love punky (0)(0)"

[scratches head]

whose punky?

man, what is it, my birthday, or something?

[checks calendar]

hey, it IS my birthday!

Hey all.

Not wishing to bring things down, but I feel I owe an apology to my fellow bloglits.

It has been noted that my remark about generalizations about men is itself an unintended generalization causing offense.

Honestly, my intention was to set out the irony of a generalization about men being clods with no kitchen skills. I missed the "thin ice" signs and trod gracelessly.

Please forgive my offense, and take my remarks in the spirit of "booger" in which they were intended.

Deont - Speaking for us guys, we are just too freaking insensitive to be offended by generalizations about men.

"No generalization is entirely true including this one." - Somebody great said that.

Is someone generalizing about me???

No offense taken here, Deon. Well not by your post anyway. I am very offended by Christobol's portrayal of cannibals. Some of us are nice people!

Ow, the slotted wooden spoon! Deon if you pay him off he might switch to the licorice whips...

I'd like to make it clear that the cannibals in all my jokes are gay.

Deon - I don't think anyone who's read your posts could take offense, unless they are humorless monkey doots, in which case, congrats on offending them.

Hey, I became plural! How pretentious.


Ooh! Can I make a lamp out of it? How much varnish do you suppose is required to keep it from rotting before Christmas?



Oh Please Deontologist,

Get over it and have another shot of Tequila like the rest of us!...welcome!...

Plural Christobol.

Can I get the second one?

Dear Mr. Christobol,

How much would I have to pay for you to write my Christmas letter? Do you have a group rate for MOATies who pool their resources?

Would you have a guaranteed minimum or maximum number of offended recipients or would I be a popular as you when it gets mailed to my Christmas card list?

Do you retain the copyright or can I use said letter year after year?

Thank you for your time. I'm hanging up now. I'll take your answer on the air.


*re-reads Deon's original post*

*doesn't get it*

*stands on head, squints one eye, holds tongue just so*

*nope, still doesn't get it*

*opens Department intranet site and does search through politically incorrect themes that MUST BE STAMPED OUT AT ALL COST*

*Ahhhh. Now I understand*

Deon: What sort of PC cheesball pointed that out to you? Never mind, just send the cheesball to C-Bol for "processing".

Happy Thanksgiving you lot!

*ponders: could there be such a thing as an unhappy giving of thanks?*

*ponders: could there be such a thing as an unhappy giving of thanks?*

In my extended family ... yes.

wsiwyg, obviously you have never received frozen moose testicles as a birthday present.

No, can't say that I have. At least not that I can recall - not that that is necessarily definitive given the general neurone decay brought on by those occasions.

And I suppose the moose would be pretty unhappy about the gift.

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

I'm off like the wind.


Dear Mr. Deontologist,Thank you for contacting Christobol Enterprises, Inc, LLC. As you know, we're all about serving humanity.

For the usual rate of (1) Comely Lass and (7) Kegs of Microbrew (Belgian Ale may be substituted), we would be happy to provide a wonderful, amazing holiday greeting.

Or, you could just use the free one I'll post in the Moat soon.


"What are you serving for Thanksgiving dinner?"

"Something light."

Elle: Hi Mom

Elle's mom: Hi dear. I got your Christmas letter.

Elle: Oh really, I had a little help from my friend Christobol this year, how did you like it?

Elle's mom: Well, your father and I were a little disturbed when we read that bit about filming a "pornography" with a midget named Thaddeus and a flock of goats. Now is that *really* sanitary?

Elle: Didn't do it for you?

Elle's Mom: Perhaps violating a statue of the baby Jesus made out of cheesewhiz wasn't the best thing to enclose as the picture. We've actually taken a family vote and prefer you stay at your end of the country for the holidays. We'll mail you the restraining order tomorrow.

Elle: Sigh. You people have no appreciation for the arts.

Elle's Mom: One more thing, dear...

Elle: Yes?

Elle's Mom: Who is Federal Duck?

I think that we cooked him for Christmas last year after he had been stuffed with oyster dressing.

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