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November 20, 2004


Saucy German Miniatures

(Thanks to gecko)


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I actually think that Gnome Peepshow wba better nfarb... or an album maybe.

I do not want to know what they want the naked gnomes (another option for the nfarb?) for.

Maybe it's time for the EU to think about dismissing Germany and making it go sit in the corner?

Anybody check to see if was Greg Hill in Germany just recently?

Anybody want to help me kickstart my grammar lobe this monring? (Spelling lobe, too, pls.)


Lots of good band names:

Scantily Clad Gnomes
Gnome Peepshow
Naked Body Parts
Dwarf Park
Compromising Poses

Remember the old WW2 song,"It's the Little Things That Count!" I wonder how many were stolen? Were they taken out side of the country? Did they have passports? Did they end up in Alaska? Nome, perhaps? Did anyone contact the Home Land Security? Could those Gnomes be the latest weapons used by the terrorists. Should someone call the Giant Rat Bomb Locaters? Did the Gnomes end up in a "peep" show in Paris? The Follies Breghare? (bad spelling, yes, I knom!) signed, One of the Little People P.S. Has anyone seen my aunt? The last that the family heard from her, was that she was staying in Berlin where she worked in a garden with a high wooden fence surrounding it. She is 2 and one half feet tall, has silver white hair, blue eyes, and loves to "streak" at times. Thank you for helping the family look for her.

Did anyone see the movie "Amalie"? Wonder if E-Bay will have an influx of photos of naughty gnomes at famous landmarks.

*waits for MKJ to provide a link to those items on E-Bay*


Have you seen the little gnome dressed in red and green in TV commercials that seems to really get around? I imagine the ad agency doesn't have to pay him "full scale." (He's the economy size) He evidently went from porno to the legitimate stage, (or rather the "boob" tube)

Investigators looking into the case come up short.

Yeah, is he a spokes-gnome for a travel website? Obviously not a great campaign if I can't remember the product. Anyway, maybe he's going to have some competition who will be more memorable.

Aren't they used in Orbitz commercials?

Possible ways they made their escape


or more safely, this

NO! It's travelocity that uses the gnome. But that gnome is some kind of prude that wears all his clothes. Probably one of these mormon extremists that we'll read about after he's arrested for kidnapping and tying up scantily clad garden gnomes. Those crazy mormon garden spokes-gnomes.

Bryce, I found it. It's Travelocity

and apparently, gnome-napping is a time honores sport.

Did not gnow that.

Oh, Bryce, I see you found it, too.

and "time-honoreD"

The second one by far!!! Alas poor Tom Clark, I knew him well! (for I am married to the dork) However, he has another nature. Whenever anyone compliments him or he thinks that he has made a "funny," he self inflates rapidedly. (coming in at 264 and 6' in height) This creates a difficulty whenever I have to buy him clothes! Sometimes when I get home, I can't find him because he has shrunk to his other self. Then I have to send compliments all through the house while yelling at the top of my voice that he is the only one,-- and the most gorgous hunk of man in the Universe! (all the while, I have my fingers crossed behind my back, because I keep seeing visions of Johnny Dept in my mind along with mounds and mounds of chocolate!)

Lawn Gnome Liberation Front wbagnfarb.

Geeze. I guess you know that you're on the fringe of society when you're into gnome pr0n.

Tom Clark is the name of the artist that creates Gnomes. For the record (Glen Hill's), I am not married to that Tom Clark, nor am I married to the attorney General, or to the General, but to the Tom Clark that once worked for the EPA. He was in charge of garbage dumps. (that is not the reason he married me, however) Get your mind out of the gutter.

Kat, LOL

Tom's oldest daughter gave me a Wedding Couple Gnome when Tom and I were married.


Maybe Ped-a-files. Maybe Amsterdamians. Maybe little people. (It helps conquer their inferiority complex and gives them hope for a better tomorrow!)

It's too early in the morning here for me to be clever, *oh, like you are later in the day, Eleanor*
*bad side of brain talking, should sleep during day*
just wanted to check in and say hello

Some singles have "blown up" balloon Babes. Little people evidently have "Cool Crock Cuties."

They made a movie about the little people that acted in The Wizard of Oz. Supposedly, it was based on a true account about how a PR person (Chevy Chase played the part in the movie) was responsible for the care and arrangements for this group while they were in Hollywood. They were all located in one hotel and literally turned the hotel upside down. The true story was much funnier than the Wiz!

I think that I've told you the story about my aunt who was designated a "Gremalin" (the one that worked at Boeing) I had three aunts and they were all under 5 feet. They were on one of the first girls' basketball team in NEAR (North-East-AR) back in the late teens and early twenties. What a hoot! Funny picture in the black bloomers, striped long socks, black high top tennies, black poofie caps,and men's sleeveless undershirts.

mmmmm...Gnomes in compromising positions!...those wacky Germans...

The airlines have already started a campaign against "big" people. I think that the next step that they will take, is to increase the fare according to the size of the person buying the ticket. Probably there will be a scale that you have to stand on while you are working the commputer to purchase your ticket. Inaddition, you will be measured by an automatic taping devise that creeps up your spine and registers your height while the scale measures your weight. Then the calculater in the computor figures the sum total of the size times the weight and you pay according to the number. They will resort to this because of the increasing cost of fuel, not to mention, the risk to the other passengers on the plane in case of emergencies. The "risk factor" will probably be figured in according to the actuaries.

What do you suppose those "compromising positions were? What were they talking about when they said, "We are the Lolly Pop Kids?" Were they licking each other's pop? What were the flavors? Or rather "favors?" Did they go underground with their activities? Is that why they disappeared?

MKJ, was he looking for a potty or was he mooning us?

Does anyone have any idea where their s-x or---s are? Is it in their fingers? Their toes? Their Nose? In the past, it has been kept well under "wraps." Only the Germans knew, for sure!

Kat: I would guess under those big hats.

What was that second gnome supposed to be doing? The one looking up and smiling? Do you place him under someone's dress?

MKJ; sure that isn't a "plumber gnome?"

The third one looks like he could be "Monday Night Football Gnome"

Didn't know they had gnome barcaloungers.

I'm not sure about those hats. Or are they condoms? In New Zealand, when they greet you, they always touch your nose with their nose, twice, and then touch foreheads together. Is this sex in New Zealand? Are the Maories somehow a distant relative of the German Gnomes?

Who ever said anybody was stealing them for the purpose of having gratuitously sexual acts performed on them. Perhaps it's all in the interest of the arts.

Oh, who am I kidding. There's a pack of knome raping loonies out there, and it's likely they'll be stopping by in a neighbourhood near you.


I suggest everyone take their most precious gnomes inside, or they run the risk of being violated (not you, the gnome).

My gnome is well hidden. I covered him with tinsel and mistletoe, red ribbons and holly. Now everyone traveling through the neighborhood, thinks that he is an early Christmas tree. People here still have up their Halloween lights and decor (their sacred Pumpkins)

Kat, did you use special Guatemalan coffee beans this morning? If so, SHARE!!

'round here, people have started putting up Christmas decorations already. I thought they were being eager beavers....but according to Kat, they are hiding gnomes.

I'd hate to think how many are hiding in that giant inflated snowman.

yay! logic time!

narf, that is exactly what we should not do! Why do you think that we keep gnomes out in the yard in the first place?! If we bring them inside, they will steal all our loganberries and porkchops.

This is why I think that these scantily clad gnomes are being used to strike fear into the hearts of gnome lovers everywhere. They are trying to create a sense of what if it happened to my poor gnomes? Obviously, Frank Ullrich is the culprit. He even hinted at his purpose to the reporters when he said "they'll have to have been hidden inside."

Save the porkchops and loganberries and leave the gnomes outside!

I wonder what Greg Hill knows about this.

-Printed on a milk carton-

Gnome Missing: Little Katie Barcalounger was taken from her garden in the dead of night.
There is a reward offered of two pencil sharpeners and a bookbag.

Please contact Father Gnome Mark Barcalounger at 1-800-55gnome

P.S. her head was in an upward pose and she was scantily clad.

*making out grocery list for the week*

*adds porkchops and loganberries.*

*and beer*

Disturbing news from Thailand. Kindly click on my moniker. FELLOW MALES: You would be best advised not to click on this link.

oh those lovely sensitive germans. and, there is an organization called the Little People of America, founded by the late actor Billy Barty, himself a little person, and they prefer Little Person. You have to be under 4'11 to be a member, Many who suffer from dwarfism and other height-impairing situations are members.... as for me, i am just 4 11", so i will have to wait until i'm 80, by which time I should be substantially shorter. writing as someone who is, eh, vertically challenged, I would put this gnome park thing in the same category as dwarf-tossing, a popular activity some yrs ago. ugh!

queensbee, do you garden? If so, I'd advise against wearing a pointy red hat while you do. You might be captured by the gnome-nappers, drug all over the world and have your picture taken next to exotic landmarks.....then again, that might be a cheap way to travel.

I'm 5'2"; my sister is 4'11" on a good day. It's seldom I get to tower over anyone, but I do like standing next to her.

waterboy, guess those teens won't be able to live up to the name of their hometown, Bangkok.


MKJ, in regards to your last link -
Anyone click on "Gnimages"? Anyone else notice the frightening sexually implied connotations with the first and last pictures?

Slarti - don't worry! Astrognome is just looking for Uranus.

btw - whatever slyeyes and kat are having this morning, I want some.:-) You 2 just caused me to violated my keyboard w/ coffee spew. Thanks!

?? Peri, Are things that bad....or that good?

and apparently caused me to become grammar challenged at the same time.

I wonder is Astrognome's nickname is "Glide" - that would make Slarti a little more comfortable, at least.

The adults-only attraction at Dwarf-Park Trusetal

A Dwarf-Park? Really? I wonder what other adult-themed attractions they show?

Do they have rides and signs that say "You must be this short to ride"? (please don't take me seriously)

I can't believe he's choking his turkey in public. (I thought that was Clinton) I think Dick should be looking grim.

on a related note, why does our current pres so often look like a sadistic baaaastard? Just wondering...

That turkey on the left appears to be worried about getting kissed by the turkey on the right.

There's been a lot of that going around, donchaknow.

Bush is trying to get that turkey to tell him where Laura hid her Gnome. He doesn't know that she hid him under the desk in the new Clinton Library in LR when they were there for the memorial with all of the other presidents. President Bush wanted that gnome to put under his desk.

If you are checking, I was just kidding. I won't tell them about the gnome that you have hidden in the official closet. (water closet)

It appears the Brits aren't as relaxed about naked Gnomes as they are in Belgium.

I've had about 10 or 11 cups of coffee today and a glass of tea with lemon and Splenda. I'm not sure what slyeyes has been drinking. Tomorrow I will restrain from over-imbibing.

who wants to contribute to kat's coffee fund?



*me, too!*

Hey Tina,
Come on over here
peek through this slot
you will get a new perspective
on Loli and Pop

Hey, Kat. I'm just drinking coffee, too, right now. That's about to change however. Maybe it will help me with the Condoleeza Rice/Gnome connection I'm working on.

Re wysiwyg's link: By George, call Scotland Yard. I think we've found our culprit.

But apparently naked gnome racing in the US is fine, albeit in a limited and imaginary sort of fashion.


We're traveling overseas in the spring? Will I need to get a passport for my Barbie and Ken dolls? Will they give me a warrant in England, if they are not dressed properly? Should I dress them as Christmas Fairies?

I wonder where I could get me some christmas themed gnaked gnomes?

Those and some artful spotlighting should make the Yuletide very gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that ;-)

might even lead to improvements in neighborhood relations, what?


Just get a doctor's note: they are your emotional support Ken and Barbie (ESK&B). And if you need them to be naked, then that's ok.

Kat, I suspect Barbie will be OK, from what I've heard Barbie's are congenitally naked and nobody is shocked by that any more, but in these more conservative times, I'd consider painting some boxers on Ken.

I glad you are here, sly,
What is this thing about the Condi-connection? I'm still having nighmares about those "eyes." Scotland yard should have some clues, by george!
I think that I will put one of Barbie's dresses on Ken so the Brits won't remove his clothing looking for his monty. In this way, he will also be able to avoid the draft. (Maybe some tiny little high heels, too)

wysiwyg: Damn! I was going to compete, but then I read the fine print: ONLY level 1 gnaked gnomes can enter.

*walks away mumbling about discrimination &^%*&&#@#@!$$%%$%*

Not only were our Barbies and Kens naked most of the time, but a couple of the Ken's were headless as well. Perhaps I had a more disturbing childhood that I thought.


Lolly and Pop? How'd you know Tina was such a sucker for gnomes? Or that she calls her mum "Lolly"


I sincerely believe that Christmas adorned outdoor gnomes will eventually replace pink flamingos and tractor tire flower beds. I am no prophet, but sometimes I can look into my toliet bowl and predict the future.

kat - is there really a draft over there in England? It's worse than I thought!

All else - I find level 1 gnaked gnomes to be rather floccinaucinihilipilification. They can't do nothing good until at least

wow. There should be a "level 3." at the end of my last post...The gnomes must have gotten to it...

you've evolved tractor tire flower beds? We're still stuck w/ coy looking little boys who pee on things. (This is considered artistic)

Wow Slarti, that is the best word for wothless I've ever come across! I'm going to put that up on my wall of weirdity at work, where all that sort of stuff goes.

And Shaay, from what little I know of these games, level 1 is pretty easy to achieve - downside is that you can die from virtually anything - like stubbing your toe on a rock, or perhaps the embarrassment of your work-mates finding out you have a desire to run naked around an imaginary obstacle course.


I might risk the embarrassment factor. My co-workers regularly see me squeezing cat butts for a "living." My gnaked gnome fantasies would be nothing to them. But the toe stubbing, man, that's harsh.

Slarti - I had to hit the OED for that one! What have you been reading recently?

I just went to the naked gnome link, and I'd say that the guy posing with them not only looks a bit like gnome himself, but could probably do with a coat of paint as well.

And Shaay, yeah I know. I was a level 1 dwarf when a group of my idiot friends took up playing Dungeons and Dragons in the late 70's. My only skill was an ability to jump into shadows to hide. Trouble was, at level 1, I missed the shadows about 70% of the time and kept getting clobbered. Needless to say I didn't play the game for long, although a core group of these people are still playing each Wednesday night, some 20-odd years later - albeit that they explain that its really just an excuse to get together for dinner and a drink. A likely story.

And Sly, it occurred to me overnight that one way to prevent getting overexcited while sitting at home blogging and doing the washing is to avoid sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle. Its a habit I had to break the Honey of when I first met her, only they didn't have blogs back then so she pretty much sat on the machine the whole time. Downside is that now the washing never gets done.

Slarti-it seems I have seen a form of that nice long word in "The Number of The Beast". Kind of sticks in the mind, even though I don't know how to pronounce it.

10FIRST! of course, I hold you all in the highest regards. Despite my previous post, I am sure that only one or two of you will not grasp the concept of 'clicking the picture' to view the clips (even after I revealed what to do).

Peri, you oughta quit sexing up the washing machines on the spin cycle. They might file a sexual harrassment lawsuit wherein your punishment would have to be having a washing machine sit on You.

An eye for an eye so to speak

I've been playing around to derive some statistics about our blogging activities for the farewell card for Dave.

Here are some interesting facts about posting since the new blog came on line in January 2003, up to the end of October:

Total number of posts by Dave: 4,282
Average posts per day: 6.4
Total number of comments: 130,026
Average number of comments per post: 30.37
Average number of words per comment (based on the MOAT): 44.33

Which means us bloglits have generated something like 5,763,607 words of comments over the last 22 months - or roughly 80 times Dave's weekly productivity.

Not bad....

And did you realise that if you were to print out the entire blog, it would require about 23,652 pages (or 48 reams of paper) to do so, which would pile up to be about 8 feet tall.

Hmmm. I forgot about the spammers - I've been fiddling with a program than just scans through the source HTML doing counts, and not looking at the content.

On further research through the list of all the 4000-odd post URLS I have extracted, it appears that all our comments prior to the beginning of March this year have gone. The spammers appear to have figured out how to post in about June of this year, and have been annotating all the posts since then, so the only comments there are on the early posts are from the spammers.

I suspect terrorists in the technical arm of the Herald for the outrage of losing our posts in the first place.

This means I'll have to redo my scan to start from the first of March this year and adjust my figures accordingly.


I think of naughty German gnomes and all I can see is Joel Gray in 'Cabaret'.

"Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome..."

Slarti: They want me to smell bear poop? And its obvious that wearing a bell doesn't deter girzzly bears, it attracts them, at least it seems it does if you are to explain the bells in the poop.

That is, unless you have just taken me for a sucker ride you *@#?&%!

"Grizzly and the Bear Doots" MBAGNFARB

OK, some reworked statistics for the last 8 months (during which our comments have survived):

1,588 posts by Dave
6.5 posts per day average
103,134 comments by us
or about 4,571,576 words.

If you extrapolate back to the beginning of the blog (which is a bit risky, but then so are all statistics), this means:

4,367 posts by dave
283,618 comments by us
or about 12,571,836 words by us.

This equates to about being about 179 times as productive as Dave each week (pity about our real job!), and if you printed it all out it would have required about 51,592 pages (103 reems of paper), or a stack something over 17 feet high.

and while we are off topic Slarti, you bugger (realising now I have been dudded), I don't know if you checked out some of the other jokes there.

This one is a classic example of how men and women communicate. I've been there. I know.

I loved your other link. Reminded me of that song from the ancient time before time; "By the Light of the Moon" They did glow very much. Possibly Moon Sparkle Dust applied liberally to their little tooches. I wondered if they were waiting for the "fairies" to come out, to dance and frolic about, to dance by the light of the moon, to "blow" fairy dust on the little buffoons!
And then when the first light of day began to shine, did you see the reflection of the sun on their little behinds?

Ahhh. That feels better!


Just think of all of the trees that you saved by not printing out the blog!
The little Gnomes (especially David) thank you , too. You are a real "tree-lover!" Tom, my gnome other half found a recipe tonight on the 'All Recipes' web for 'Salmon Wellington' or something similar. It's called "Salmon Cooked in the Dishwasher" (sort of reminds me of the washing machine episode.) I think that in the salmon recipe, you are not supposed to let the salmon go through the wash cycle, but rather cook it on the 'heat and dry one.' I not really sure, but you might try e-mailing Martha, or sending her a note by carrior pidgeon. The recipe really exists, but I don't care to try it. Maybe Glenn Hill would do so for the next Betty Crocker Cook-Off.

I don't think there was a comments section prior to March 2004

click on the link to dave's old blog and you'll(not yule) see what I mean

Ahhhh! That explains it, thanks Steven. I'd forgotten the old blog didn't have comments and that it overlapped this one.

And my apologies to the Herald technical staff for jumping to conclusions about there being terrorists in your midst. I'm prone to that.

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