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November 10, 2004


Unfortunate Sausage

(Thanks to Claire Martin)


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Bismuth - I never sausage a bad pun in my life.

Don't blame me... Dave brat it upon us all

I couldn't read this sausage story. Must have been a bad link.

Is that a chorizo disapproval, Zaphod?


Your comment has been read Andouille noted.

just for jcb... everyone else close your eyes and scroll down until you think you reach China

Unfortunate Sausage

Charlie and Cathie Berry own and operate the Unfortunate Sausage. They recently relocated from Vallecito Lake to Pagosa Springs. They brought with them their favorite recipes from past restaurant ventures, notably the Shoreline Inn at Vallecito Lake and Haggard's Black Dog Tavern.

Charlie and Cathie love their new property and home here and plan on enjoying the Pagosa Springs area and community for a long time. They are anxious to meet local residents and hope you will stop by the Unfortunate Sausage and introduce yourself.

The Unfortunate Sausage is located at 68 Bastille Dr. Visit them from 6 a.m. - 2 p.m. and enjoy a homestyle breakfast or lunch, or call 731-0415 for more information.


Eating at the Unfortunate Sausage sounds as appetizing as eating at the local (I'm not making this up) Black Fork Inn.

Glad to see Claire "Jeff Meyerson" Martin is still keeping Dave stocked.

Lou - That was a patty good comeback.

Better than the Black Pork Inn, which is located next to Unfortunate Sausage. You could make a pig out of yourself there. Breakfast has been served ever since time bacon.

Bisumth....I'll thank you not to use my name in vain (not vein). But I can't remember how to spell braut either.

Downtown Pagosa Springs, at the bottom of the Great Divide:

Me an' Earl was haulin' chickens
On a flatbed outa Wiggins
And we had spent all night on the uphill side
Of thirty seven miles of hell called Wolf Crick Pass
Which was up on the great divide

And we was sittin' there suckin' toothpicks
And drinkin' Nehis an' onion soup mix
And I says "Earl, let's mail a card to mother
And then send them chickens on down t'other side"
Yeah, lets give them hens a ride

Wolf Crick Pass way up on the great divide
Truckin' on down, the other side

Well Earl put down his bottle
Mashed his foot down on the throttle
And then a couple of boobs, with a thousand cubes
In a 1948 Peterbuilt screamed to life
We woke up the chickens

We roared up off'n that shoulder
Sprayin' pine cones rocks 'n boulders
And put four hundred head of them Road Island Reds
And a couple of burnt out roosters on the line
Look out below...cause here we go

Wolf Crick Pass way up on the great divide
Truckin' on down, the other side

Well we commenced a truckin'
And them hens commenced a cluckin'
Then Earl took out a match, and scratched his pants
And lit up the unused half of a dollar cigar
And took a puff
Says "My ain't this pretty up here"

And I says "Earl this hill can spill us
You better slow down or you gonna kill us
Just make one mistake and it's the pearly gates
For them eighty five crates
Of USDA approved cluckers
You wanna hit second?"

Wolf Crick Pass way up on the great divide
Truckin' on down, the other side

Well Earl grabbed on the shifter
And he stabbed her into fifth gear
And then the chromium plated, fully illuminated
Genuine ac-cessory shift knob
Come right off in his hand
I says "you wana screw that thing back on Earl ?"

He was tryin' to thread it on there
When the fire fell off a his cigar
And dropped on down sorta rolled around
And lit the cuff of Earls pants
And burnt a whole in his sock
Yeah it sorta set him right on fire

I looked on outa the window
An' I started in a countin' phone poles
Goin' by at the rate of four to the seventh power
I put two an' two together
Added twelve, an' carried five
Come up with twenty two thousand telephone poles an hour

I looked at Earl an' his eyes was wide
His lip was curled and his leg was fried
And his hands was froze to the wheel
Like a tongue to a sled in the middle of a blizzard
And I said Earl I'm not the type to complain
But the time has come for me to explain
That if you don't apply some brake real soon
They're gonna have to pick us up with a stick an' a spoon

Well Earl rared back
Cocked his leg
Stepped down as hard as he could on the brake
And the pedal went clear to the floor
And stayed - right there on the floor
Says it's sorta like steppin' on a plum
Well from there on down it just wasn't real pretty
It was hairpin county and switchback city
One of 'em looked like a can full of worms
Another one looked like malaria germs
Right in the middle of the whole damn show
Was a real nice tunnel now wouldn't you know
Sign says clearance to the twelve foot line
But them chickens was stacked to thirteen nine
Well we shot that tunnel at a hundred an' ten
Like gas through a funnel an' eggs through a hen
An' we took that top row of chickens off
Slicker 'n the scum off a Louisiana swamp
Went down an' around an' around an' down
An' we run outta ground at the edge of town
An' bashed on into the side of a feed store
In downtown Pagosa Springs

Wolf Crick Pass way up on the great divide
Truckin' on down, the other side

Wolf Crick Pass way up on the great divide
Truckin' on down, the other side

Hm. Lunch time.
What are their hours again?


Scene: Two Sausages are Sitting in a Frying Pan

Sausage One: Gee it's really getting HOT in here!
Sausage Two: (turning to S1) HOLY SHIT! A talking sausage!!!!!

***insert laugh track and drum sound***

Hmmm...does xmnr = cbol?

don't knock(wurst) the Unfortunate Sausage until you've tried it.
Do they deliver(wurst)?

Does Claire Martin have a life? I've only been reading this blog for 2 weeks and I already feel like I know her! Or is Martin really Dave posting things that he doesn't think are good enough to use his own name?

Does Claire Martin have a life? I've only been reading this blog for 2 weeks and I already feel like I know her! Or is Martin really Dave posting things that he doesn't think are good enough to use his own name?

Eleanor - we've pondered those things many times here. Welcome to our blog!

* psst. we don't ponder them too long, because we ultimately ask if we ourselves have lives *


Claire Martin is really Jeff Meyerson...that's my theory...either that or Dave is having a heavy affair with the real claire...welcome to the blog...

I've been casing this blog for awhile and still have not been cured of my addiction to it.

I guess Claire has figured out how to get posted more than anyone else 'cause she is intelligent. She's got the brains and we've got the braunschweiger.

Lou B - that's really sweetbreads.

Eleanor, don't listen to julietine. I am not Claire. And she is not me. (At least I don't think she's me.) But she does get her share (and ours) of stories posted.

I can't believe no one yet has pointed out that Unfortunate Sausage wbagnfarb, much better than for a restaurant (or whatever it is).

I guess the Berrys are hoping their (not they're) customers will storm the Bastille. (sorry)

Claire Martin, on this blog, is a real hot dog...

Just to continue the bad puns on this thread...

Thanks for the welcome - you've all made me smile!
Query: Does everyone know who Jeff Myerson is? That is, except me? I live on the west coast, or as we say here, in sunny southern California - would I know you Jeff, if I lived in Florida? I wish I could contribut a good sausage joke or pun (if there's such a thing as a good pun), but I'm Jewish and my mother taught me to stay away from sausages of any kind!

Pun away! Pun away!

Higgy - Hey, be nice to Claire. She's not trying to hog all the credit.


Wait just a darn second here. DAVE posted about sausages?! Isn't that what Judi usually does?

Salami yet satisfying!

Gotta be the worst name for a restaurant ever. What were these people thinking? Also:

Eleanor, gee I think you're swell
This blog isn't really hell,
and there are several of us
In sunshine

We think that Dave is sweet on Claire
Jeff will tell you it's not fair
Links are his pride and joy, etc...
(Note tenuous 'link' to topic...)

Great apologies to Flo, or Eddy, or whomever, and esp to Eleanor, who must hate this song...

Looks like Eleanor has been casing the blog for a while.

MOTW: Dave did that in Vegas! The woman sitting next to Mad made the mistake of drinking bottled water, which she spit on the person sitting in front of her. It was great!

Eleanor, I'm real (at least I think so) and I'm not in Florida yet. Still in Brooklyn, NY.

Zaphod: was that another sausage pun? You know: sausage = casing

Real what is the question, Jeff....

Jamester, great Turtles tie-in! There is a woman in this building (she works for the owner) named Eleanor, and every damn time I see her I have to restrain myself from going "Eleanor, gee, I think you're swell" and having her call the authorities.

i'm jewish too. i'll eat sausages. i just dont tell my mother.

Ah HA! Caught you, I knew it!!

queensbee: my mother eats sausages (but doesn't weat combat boots).

Eleanor Rigby does it for me!


I do not know Jeff Meyerson and I am in Florida..However I would LOVE to get to know him better if you know what I mean....

Jeff's mom weats combat boots! (I hate myself)

My mom warned me to stay away from all sausages, too. She DIDNT, however, warn me away from me bearing 151 (which I just found out last night was in the first drink he made me) .... fast forward 2 years, now I have a kid and survive on an hour of sleep a night.

I think the sausages would have been safer....

I prefer my sausage happy for breakfast.

Lunch or dinner, for that matter.

rather... thats "MEN" bearing 151... umm... oops?

I hope nobody at the unfortunate sausage has been spanking..That could be grounds to kill-boss,eh?

Happy Sausage?

Oh My Just...I thought it was something else and I clicked on the sausage and I about dropped on the floor as I am at work...you need to warn us of these things...

Claire was walking down North Main Street in Denver. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw - World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Claire in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well,all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

He asked for a polished sausage?

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money:
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this.
I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third

In Ireland sausages are called "Bangers"...So....

Brat - xmnr does not = cbol, and I don't know that song. But here's a song for the unfortunate sausage.

Unfortunate Sausage

Some pigs are born made to wear the crown,
ooh, they’re 4H champs, yeah!
And when the farmer says "I don’t feel like beef",
oh, they point the rifle at you, Lord,

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't the blue ribbon one,
It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't the unfortunate one, no,

Some pigs are born right next to the trough,
Lord, don't they help themselves, oh.
But when the farmer can’t get enough,
Lord, they squeal like something else, yes,

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I don’t weigh no half ton.
It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't the unfortunate one, no.

Yeh, some pigs inherit huge meaty hocks,
ooh, they make your mouth water, Lord,
And when you ask them, how long should you live,
oh, they only answer, more, more, more, yoh,

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't the sausage you want,
It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't the unfortunate one,

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no unfortunate one, no no no,
It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no unfortunate one, no no no,

Julietine -

Sorry... I didn't see the link to Sausage gallery at first... I just saw the flying sausage and it made me chortle... while I was waiting for the post to load I perused the gallery... and had a similar reaction to yourself. Next time I won't be so quick on the trigger. :)

"kill-boss, eh?" argggh!

(good one Sean!)

There's a restaurant down the street from here called the Slick Pig. That's your first indication that I live in a refined and sophisticated metropolitan area.

To BigD:

Thanks for the Claire links - now that I know she's a "journalist" I feel just terrible for questioning her purpose in life! Anyone who can get their (not they're) picture in the Smithsonian should have better things to do with their (see above) time than to entertain all of us!

Has anybody connected these three posts and made a "spanking the sausage snake" joke yet?

maybe it's a lost hint from the herald hunt Fed?

Somebody's probably already posted this, but if not:

Go to www.google.com and type in weapons of mass destruction (no quote marks) and then hit the I'm Feeling Lucky button.


THAT'S MY AREA!!! Vallecito Lake is part of the district our deputies patrol! I'm so proud!


"The Unfortunate Sausage"--I don't know of any three words that better describe the human condition. I'll bet a lot of existentialists eat there.

I know a couple of guys with unfortunate sausages.

Just sayin is all...

Two strangers meet in a club, hit it off, head back to her place.

Man: Yeah, so um *pulling shirt over head* I'm really up against a deadline for naming my restaurant. The signmaker needs to start tomorrow.

Woman: *wriggling out of skirt* Uh huh...

Man: It's a diner, so I want something that reflects all-day breakfast kind of food, you know? Maybe The Sausage something, or The something Sausage... *yanks pants off*

Woman: *long look, pause, heavy sigh* Well, how unfortunate.

Man: How's unfortunate? I dunno, I wouldn't have thought of that, but okay.

Unfortunate Sausage Lament
Well she was a liberated girl
a little permiscuous
She couldn’t help thinkin her man's
Unfortunate sausage should belong
To someone else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of guys to run into
Yeah, and if she had to try
Each one she had one little promise
She was gonna keep

Oh yeah, all right
Find the right one baby
Make it last all night
She was one liberated girl

It was kind of cold that night
Don't she know what shrinkage means?
She counted as the seconds ticked by
She was a dune
He was waves crashin’ on the beach
And for one desperate moment there
She thought he might begin to please
Man it’s so painful
Why can't he even get close
Is her g-spot so far out of reach

Oh yeah, all right
Find the right one baby
Make it last all night
She was one liberated girl

That clip was Hilarious!

Two days in a row, cbol hit the nail on the head. So to speak.

"Fortunate Son" is the only Creedence song I can stand, and maybe the only country-rock song I like; in fact, I like it a lot.

Not only was it admirably Christobolized, but I now have a new appreciation for the original.

Aww, too kind Avon. Keeping with the theme (this thread is at least PG-13, right?)

Hung American

They pulled in just behind the bridge
He yanks ‘em down, he smiles
"Gee my head's an empty thing, but I’m sure well-hung!"
He kissed her then and there
They had a fling, now she’s no lady
It took him minutes, took her nowhere
Goodness knows, she'd was hoping for something like

All night
She wants the hung American
Hung American, hung American, she wants the hung American
All right
She wants the hung American
Scanning guys through the barroom window
She finds the hunky bottle-blond
He farts as he buys her domestic beers, but
Heaven forbid, she'll take anything
But the bum, and his type, all for nothing
He misses a step lands on his ass, but
Knowing nothing, he shows her his wong
She cries "Where have all the real men gone?"

From L.A. to Washington
She picks winners off of the dancehall floor
"You’ll dip for just these twenty bucks
Can you make me scream for fifty more?"

All night
She wants the hung American
Hung American, hung American, she wants the hung American
All right
William Hung’s American
Do you remember, Unfortunate Sausage?
Do you remember, the men you met today
Or even yesterday?
Have you been with an unhung-American?
Just he in his boxers singing falsetto 'bout
Leather, leather everywhere, and
Not a myth left from the ghetto
Well, well, well, don’t you carry a backup
In case, just in case he can’t rise up?
Sit on your hands on a bus of strangers
Blushing at all lovely bumps you hit
Ain't that close to love?
Well, ain't that close enough?
Well, it ain't that far off
And your heart can’t be broken any more

All night
You want the hung American
Hung American, hung American, you know William Hung’s American
All right
You want the hung American
Don’t want a shrimp and don’t want a hustler
The shrimp's got a fast car, what’s that good for?
Don’t mean disrespect, but who’s got the real thing
Mama's got needs, and looks like her hands ache
(I heard the news today, oh boy)
Someone be sweet and make her complete
Ain't there a man who can last no more?
And, ain't there a man to make her drop on the floor?
And, ain't there a man she can hold without judging?
Ain't there men that will give it a try?
Ain't too proud and don’t care about faces
Ain't there one damn man that can make her
break down and sigh?
CHORUS (I) (repeat 3 times)
All night
She wants the hung American
Hung American, hung American, you know William Hung’s American
All right
She wants the hung American

it makes you wonder if they realized what they were doing/saying. Although that main guy looked like he almost lost it about halfway through. Yeah, I don't see how they could have not known. Those corrupting punks...probably communists.

C-bol, sometimes I just don't know, but luckily this time I recognized the song (notice how at first it seemed like I was going to talk about something else entirely). Maybe you or some helpful chad could post what song you transmogrify? I wouldn't have recognized the Creedence one, although I still don't know how the song goes.

C'bol.....how can I ever make it up to you. Hangs head in shame. Teach me to open my mouth before thinking (did I just say mouth while I'm typing?). Whatever, you get the point.

Holy crap, C-bol! Love it.
The man knows good music.

Hey Brat - nothin' to make up to me. I just didn't want to take credit for someone else's stuff. Unless someone is giving out money, or beer, or hell, even a piece of chicken.

Speaking of interesting business names, there is (or at least was) a French restaurant up in the Blue Mountains west of Sydney called "The Fork 'n' View". The building is perched right next to some spectacular scenery, so the name wasn't too much of a surprise.

However, during the dinner, we asked about how they had arrived at the name. Well, apparently the owner had come up from Sydney to survey the site for the restaurant and had exclaimed

"Wow! Will you look at the forkin' view!"

One of my favorite restaurants has a similarly cute story behind it's name (The Get Your Damned Smelly Badger Out Of My Wife!). Remind me to tell you about it sometime.

Also, in Australia, the venacular for "sausage" is "surprise bag" - a reflection of what can be ground up and put in them.

This of course leads to pick-up lines like:

"Hey Punky! Want to go play "hide the surprise bag"?

And speaking of pick-up lines, the classic pickup line for Bachelor and Spinster balls in rural Australia (which involves getting young people from the surrounding several hundred miles together at a big BBQ, dressing them up in their best formal gear, and then encouraging them to drink themselves rotten for the next 36 hours or so) is:

"Hey, wanna see my ute?"

(ute: aka "utility". Australian for pickup truck)

I went to a B&S ball once. It was tremendous fun, but I'm still working off the hangover.

Cbol: Now sounds good - I've gotten down the pile of things-that-have-to-be-done-right-now-dammit, to the stuff that is not actually on fire so much as smoldering vigourously.

BTW would you object to my incorporating a selection of your verse into the weekly column farewell gift I'm putting together for Dave?

Is an unfortunate sausage the opposite of a lucky dog?

wysiwyg - have at em!

Two words. Sausage machine.

A haiku bearing bad news...

Arafat is dead
Dubya regains his power
Apocalypse now

The latest study shows that 51% of Americans do not have a fricken clue.

Oh, my, I tend to believe it's much closer to 942%, personally, but that's just a personal belief.





"Kid and Kaboddle" is now on the New Business Site (Nov. 11)

Actually, the Unfortunate Sausage is an awesome place to eat. They have some of the best meals and Cathie is a great person to meet when visiting.

I live here and it's one of our favorite restraunts - not such a bad name, you know? :P

I was searching for references on my town in blogs and found this - HAD to post. Will let the owners know that they've been posted.

Also, the Wolf Creek Pass song is great - especially when you're actually driving down the pass and smelling the brakes on the 18-wheeler.....BEHIND you!

Again, enjoyed the comments and the mention :))

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