Dave Barry's Blog

THOSE BASTARD KOI RUSTLERS

Now they've taken Darth.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY NUANCED FILM

WHEN PEOPLE ASK US WHAT TASTEFUL DESIGN ELEMENT EVERY HOME NEEDS

We say: a drooling deer faucet.

(Thanks to B.J. White)

UNCOMFORTABLE HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

ARTISTE UPDATE

We bet she didn't say "vociferous" in writing.

(Thanks to Afurrica)

YEAH, THAT'S THE TICKET

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

THE BEST THING ABOUT MAKING A MOVIE

...you get to make new friends.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using Mexican milk snakes in Tameside.

Key Quote: The unnamed snake is now being cared for at the centre and will be used for training or re-housed.

Rehoused? ReHOUSED??

SPORTS UPDATE

Dang Yankers.

TRAVEL UPDATE

So last night I got on this small "commuter" airplane, the kind that works on propellers, and I was sitting in the front, and directly ahead of me was this large airplane piece, and on it were these words:

DO NOT REMOVE FROM AIRCRAFT
If found, please contact MOC 800 677 0819

What the hell is that about? Who would remove an airplane piece? And WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY "IF FOUND"?????

Never mind. I don't want to know.

MORE UNDECIDED NEWS

Are these guys attractive or not?

ALBINO SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

VIVA LAS VEGAS

Long Live the King.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

POLITICAL NEWSFLASH

Key quote: Nearly half of the undecideds were uncertain whether Bush should get another term.

(Thanks to Peter Campbell: "To which I ask, um, and the other half?")

TRAVEL UPDATE

I'm on the road for the next couple of days, so blogging from me will be sporadic. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, I want to extend my congratulations to the New York Yankers.

ATTENTION, TERRORISTS

You're wasting your time with the British.

(Thanks to Gretchen)

SPORTS UPDATE

The American League championship playoffs start tonight. Let's all root in a fair and balanced manner.

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL US THERE ARE NO MORE TRULY GREAT MUSICAL ACTS

...we respond: "Oh yeah?"

Update: And let's not overlook this act. (Thanks to Elizabeth)

SLITHERING FASCISM UPDATE

When 17-foot, 110-pound Burmese pythons are outlawed, only outlaws will have 17-foot, 110-pound Burmese pythons.

Update for Duck-Farm Workers: Be careful.

Update for Golfers: You, too.

STUDBOY REDUX

This sort of thing may be inevitable when a man can't get the pickle jar open for way too long, if you catch my drift.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

ANNOUNCMENT FOR INTERESTED SOUTH FLORIDA FOLKS

I'll be giving a talk at Florida International University on October 21. Are you looking for a serious and thoughtful analysis of the presidential race? This will not even come close. But I hope you can make it anyway, because it's for a good cause: a scholarship fund established in memory of my late father-in-law, Leonard Kaufman, a truly good guy. They have a pretty good deal whereby you can get a copy of Ridley's and my book with your admission ticket, and I'll be happy to sign my name to it. Or, if you prefer, Herman Melville's name, which was "Herman Melville."

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ZANY SPONTANEOUS FUN...

...you're talking about the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources.

(Thanks to Anne Morton)

SHOULD MONKEYS VOTE?

Never mind. They already can.

(Thanks to Karl Mazurak)

WHEN YOU'RE A JET, YOU'RE A JET ALL THE WAY....

Even if you're a priest.

(Thanks to Peter Gregory)

ATTENTION, ACADEMY AWARD VOTERS WONDERING WHICH MOVIE SHOULD WIN BEST PICTURE FOR 2004

Wonder no more.

MORE FUN WITH NAMES

(Thanks, indirectly, to Samantha Ollinger)

A SCIENTIFIC IMPOSSIBILITY

And we've got video.

(Thanks to Joel Koh)

GOOD NEWS FOR MEN HOPING TO BREASTFEED

Because you didn't really like your chest up that high, anyway.

(Thanks to Trystan Shout)

A FLORIDA MINI-DRIVER'S LICENSE

...is on its way to this guy.

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON UPDATE

In reference to today's column, in which Mister Language Person discusses the alarming trend of stupid names for coffee sizes, many people have emailed to inform me that Seattle's Best Coffee is owned by Starbucks. To those people, I gratefully respond: OK, but the coffee-size names are still stupid. Thank you.

SNAKES IN THE NEWS

A snake apparently attempted to vote in Australia, where this is illegal (unlike Florida, where anybody can vote). In sports news, according to this story, "Big Snake ran over the back of Matthew Hansen and started punching Farmanara." There was also a golf snake, which we frankly think there should be more of.

WE HAD NO IDEA

Hi Dave,

In a recent article on shopping and yaks you wrote, "For a guy, reading the manual is tantamount to admitting that, manhoodwise, you are in the hamster category."

I used to do research with hamsters years ago. A male hamster that weighs about 100 grams has testes that together weigh about 2 grams when he's in his reproductive state. For a 200 pound guy that would be like hauling around 4 1-pound packages of hamburger between your legs.

Then, conveniently, when winter comes on and it gets cold and the daylight gets very short, reproduction is not an option and the hamster's testes shrink down to merely human proportions.

Food for thought.
Doug Fitts

THIS BLOG IS SO PROUD

Who says we can't make a difference?

SPORTS UPDATE

Robin Big Snake has been reassigned.

ART UPDATE

OK, you might have to register to read this story in the Miami Herald, and I apologize for that, but if you do read it, I guarantee that your reaction will be, quote: Huh?

INTERNATIONAL TENSION

Over the B-word.

(Thanks to Dave Gaebler)

MISLEADING HEADLINE OF THE MONTH

(Thanks to Dennis Gamble)

REASONS WE ARE GLAD THE INTERNET DIDN'T EXIST IN THE 60's, NUMBER 9

We would still be staring at this.

(Thanks to Susan Kosior)

SHHHHHHH! DON'T TELL ANYBODY AT PETA!

Sheep abuse, Aussie style. Not to mention frog oddities that we'd rather not go into at this point.

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

UPDATE

Now my 'puters won't talk to each other. Apparently this is for security reasons. Otherwise, I might give my own self a virus! That's the kind of malicious bastard I am. So I have called Harry. Harry can fix it. If anything ever happens to Harry, I will kill myself, assuming Windows XP will permit me to.

XP SERVICE PACK 2 UPDATE

Well, it's all installed, and so far everything seems to b

UH-OH

My computer has downloaded and spontaneously started installing something called "Windows XP Service Pack 2," and I am very, very nervous.

UPDATE This is truly terrifying.

MEANWHILE, IN NON-PENIS-RELATED ROMANIAN NEWS

...it's the attack of the alien disco lights.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS

"Man's best friend," indeed.

YAY

Yay.

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're after Easter eggs.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

(Troubling question: Easter eggs are made in October?)

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're taking away our right to doctor library videotapes.

(Thanks to Angie)

SPEAKING OF FROGS

This looks like a fun hobby.

Key Question That Has Bothered Us for Ages: What are your chances of getting a sexed pair of frogs from unsexable froglets?

HURRICANE UPDATE

Will it never end?

Key Quote: "They are in every crack, every bush and every nook and cranny."

CHER UPDATE

Here's a reason to go on living.