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October 29, 2004


Here's what you've been waiting for....

(Thanks to sookeyjane)


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First - without guilty feelings?

Thats my costume

I wondered what happened to Pamela Anderson Lee after all that time in the sun...

Now that's my kind of scarecrow.

Isn't that Peri in the pumpkin bra?

King, I thought that was Punky-with-the-spunky ramparts.

Or maybe Leetie-with-the-meaty teeties

or Slyeyes-with-the-nyice ayass

(it sounds better when you say it out loud)

That's not what Brad Pitt looks like when he's ripping off his shirt?

That's not what Brad Pitt looks like when he's ripping off his shirt?

Nope, Dr. Dog... Leetie is usually seen in melon-ballers or the occasional pair of coconuts. Certainly not pumpkins.

So for Halloween, the blogbabes are turning in their coconut bras for pumpkin ones?

Since I shouldn't click on the link (being @ work and all), anyone wanna describe it so that I can make up a dumb poem or freestyle a bit?

Rach ... it's pretty harmless ... you can probably open it at work ... they're only scarecrows and pumpkins. If you get fired, you already have another job as my hero, 'member?

Thanks, punky! You're right, it's totally harmless. And the boss didn't walk by while I was opening it, so that's good. Okay, now I have to come up with a poem.

Halloween is here
Pumpkins turn to ramparts now
Look...a harvest moon

It's not Christmas yet
So we sadly regret
That you will not see Blitzen or Dasher
However, you might
As you walk through the night
Discover a Halloween flasher

With pumpkins in place
The look on your face
May range from surprise to defeat
Whatever you do
Make darn sure that you
Don't forget to tell them "Trick or Treat!"

Rachel - Excellent! Man! This blog just oozes talent. Why is it that none o y'all are working for SNL or writing a movie script? Also wondering why I'm even allowed on here. I'm barely good enough to write "First" every now and again.

As for the pics, I was kinda hopin' that was Punky on the right.

Schade ... mine are more like melons.

Blog: Hey Fed, why don't you post something inane and pointless?

Fed: You mean something like a story about what I did last night?

Blog: Sure!

I'm a little sleepy today.

Blog: Why is that, Fed? And is there a hilarious yet completely true story involved?

As a matter of fact…

So I went to a frat party last night; also known as a Drunken Debasement Extravaganza. At some point in the evening (8th Jager Bomb) I decided to go car surfing.

Blog: What is car surfing, Fed? And is it potentially fatal?

As a matter of fact…

Car surfing is when you (someone else) rolls down your (their) windows, allowing you to spread eagle on the roof of said car, gripped only to the actual roof of the car.

Blog: That seems dangerous and irresponsible.

Yes! It’s freaking great! So I’m car surfing down Interstate 65 (look it up) with the wind in my hair and gnats in my teeth, snockered out the yin yang, to the tune of 90 miles per hour, holding on for dear life (life gets progressively less dear with each passing drink) when we…

Blog: You got arrested again, didn’t you.

As a matter of fact…

We absolutely smoked a state trooper, who I will not mention by name except for Officer Middleton: Queen Jackass Supreme of All Law Enforcement Officers

Blog: At least he didn’t pull a gun on you. Right?

As a matter of fact…

So my fraternity-oriented buddy stomps the brakes, sending me into an inertia-governed Slip-N-Slide of Doom across the roof, the hood, the bumper, and a fairly impressive amount of pavement. Fearing that I might be a terrorist, Officer Middleton: Queen Jackass Supreme of All Law Enforcement Officers leaps out of his car and (the moment we’ve all been waiting for) pulls a gun on me.

Blog: As a trained humor professional, I’ll bet you talked your way out of it.

As a matter of fact…

Officer Middleton: Queen Jackass Supreme of All Law Enforcement Officers screamed, “get on your knees and put your hands behind your head!!!”

I felt that this would be a good opportunity to warm him up with a witty comment. So I said, “I’m already on my knees, sir. I just slid off the roof of a car.”

(Editor’s note: Nobody wins when you subject law enforcement to wit and humor.)

So Officer Middleton: Queen Jackass Supreme of All Law Enforcement Officers tackled me, pro-football style, even though I was already lying supine on the pavement, and cuffed me.

Blog: Serves you right.

Bite me. So, to make a long story longer, I was forced to resort to Highly Creative Lying. I told Officer Middleton: Queen Jackass Supreme of All Law Enforcement Officers that my girlfriend just broke up with me and I was just blowing off some steam. Fortunately, my fraternity-oriented bretheren were quick to back me up.

Frat Boy: He’s on crack, officer.

Thus supported, I quickly invented a circumstance that would lead an otherwise sane individual to go car-surfing. I told him I was totally snockered. He seemed to buy in to this argument, mostly because I was slurring my speech and couldn’t stand up properly. He let us go because he said that he had never, in 20 years of law enforcement, seen anyone as phenominally stupid as us, and commented that Darwin would eventually take effect. Whatever that means.

So that was my evening, what’s up with you guys?

Fed ... if you were my son, I'd put you over my knee and spank you. Come to think of it ... if you were my boyfriend, I'd do the same.

Sucks for you. :)

Never been car surfing ... but I've been skydiving. That count?

Fed, Fed, Fed...words fail me. And I hope to never have a night that interesting.

That sounds exactly like my night last night. Only I wasn't doing Jager Bombs. And I wasn't drunk. And I didn't get tacked, cuffed, or arrested. Nor did I car surf.

I did, however, have a beer and play NTN trivia. That's really similar.

But Punky, one presumes you at least wore a parachute...

*is worried that he just inadvertantly invented carparasailing*

Fed, I think we've found the perfect successor (not replacement) for Mr. Barry while he's on his sabatical. That story is absolutely hillarious. The word usements you structure are pure artistry.

Much like Mr. C-bol and Rachel and a whole host of others on this blog. I am humbled in your presences.


Lab - LOVE NTN trivia...

Fed - *golf clap* Even in my fraternity days I didn't do anything that stupid - that I remember - or that there's photographic proof of...

Maybe I did....

Fed - that was you that I pulled over? I am SO sorry. If you'd mentioned that you were a DB Blogger, I totally would have let you go with a lot less hassle.

And that's Officer Middleton: Queen Jackass Supreme of all Law Enforcement Officers and Spunky Bloglit Chiquita to you!

Fed- 'Fraid I can't back you up on this one. I am with Officer Middleton: Queen Jackass Supreme of all Law Enforcement Officers mainly because that is really dangerous (though the alcohol probably helped your landing). Granted, I have done some dumb things and all, but none of the things I've done could have killed me or other people (that I know of, have pictures of, etc.)

That said... Great story! Although you have reinforced my general stereotype of frats pretty well.

Hey, I am nothing if not inconsistent. To quote David Eddings, "Consistency is for small minds."

Tina - It's amazing the kind of stupid people frats can attract. There are your good frats, and then there are the frats that do the things you just described. Why on EARTH would you want to join an organization that makes you stick candycorns up your ... in order to join?

Rachel - I could swear that Fed said OM: QJSOALEO was a man. This is highly disconcerting. If you are OM: QJSOALEO then either Fed was too fershizzled to accurately discern the differences between male and female, or you got some 'splainin' to do.

not a whole lot to do up there in canada, eh?

My previous comment about the stupid people frats can attract should be in any way, shape, or form be interpreted to mean that what I think Fed is stupid.

No, I think what he did was stupid, but it was also very funny and something I'd expect to see in a movie like Better Off Dead or some other early-years John Cusack movie. But I think Fed himself is quite talented and Brilliant, and yes, I"m brown-nosing so just shut up!

Well, SchadeBoy, Fed did admit to being really really toasted. How do we know the OM: QJSOALEO was what Fed claims s/he was? I haven't noticed that people who are fershizzled are very accurate.

I think I was fershizzled when I wrote my last post! What the hell was I writing? I would like to restructure my post. I meant to say "My previous comment about the stupid people frats can attract should in no way> be in any way, shape, or form interpreted to mean that I think fed is stupid." There, I corrected myself. Hopefully, before any damage was done.

If not, oh well...

DAMN! I am simply going to cry, now. I think I need to just stop posting.

Honest and for true, I'm not on anything. REALLY!

Schadeboy - yeah, Fed was pretty bombed. I am FEMALE, and I'm actually not even a cop. I just saw a fun opportunity to scare the crap out of someone who was doing something stupid. He should have been tipped off by the fact that I was driving a minivan.

So I was having trouble getting to sleep last night and I thought to myself "self, why not go for a drive?"

Cruized around aimlessly for a while and then saw a "Frank and Shirley's House of Three Bean Casserole Iced Cream and Double Mocha Coffee", which I just love. Ok, maybe it's not love, but I always take my pants off in there.

Well, I couldn't find parking in front so I made the block and parked by what seemed to be the world's biggest drunken frat bash (there were young men in the front yard stuffing candy corn up their ass, for reasons I know not).

Walked over and got my three bean double parfait extra ganga coffeerita venti and made my way back to the car.

So anyways I get in the car and start to drive off when this maniac jumps on top of my car and apparently starts trying to mate with it. I'm banging the roof and telling him to get the feck off and he's screaming "faster".

So, like anyone would if they were in this situation, or a situation like this, I hop on the freeway and start going 90mph and swerving and running over trick or treaters and listening to classic rock and having my parfait and playing a game of "travel yatzee", which usually helps me sleep.

Ultimately (I won't bore you with the alien abduction and Cher probing and the revelation that both Bush and Kerry are members of a super secret sect of a giant fungus race) I got pulled over by Officer Rachel Middleton, who asked that I call her Queen Jackass of something or another, but who then ran off and copulated with the maniac who had slid from my roof and catapulted into a semi tractor-trailer full of subservient chickens.

Anyways, I went home and still had trouble sleeping.

Let's see, 90 MPH = 145 KMH. Yup, I can get my minivan to go that fast. I actually have done 90 mph in my parents' minivan. On the highways around Toronto, the speed limit is 100kph (62mph), but everyone is usually going at least 120k (about 75), and there have been the odd times where people are going 130, so I'm going 145 in the left lane and still getting tailgated by some idiot who needs to go even faster.

By the way, driving a minivan at 145 kph with the back windows open (the ones that kind of wedge out, not rolls down) is crazy. You can feel the drag off the extra 2 inches of window like you would not believe.

Hey - I'm 22. I can drive as fast as I want. As long as everyone else is going that fast too.

Oh, I've also passed a cop going 135 (about 85) with no one else on the highway, and he didn't blink an eye.

Us Canadians, we'se CRRRRAAAAAZZZZY. Well, the Toronto faction of us, anyway.

I've known a few of you Canadians. Sometimes I think they're more level-headed than us 'Mericans.

Oops. Sorry. Brown-nosing again...

Well, fraternities aren't as prevalent here in Canadia, which probably explains the difference. :)

Cbol and Fed, If the two of you could co-write a book along the lines of "Naked Came the Manatee", I think you'd hit the Best Seller lists (all of them, except maybe Christian Science Monitor) within a week of release. Thank you both for the daily laughs.

As the love child of a curious cosmic mind meld of Christobol and Federal Duck's respective minds, I am now the perfect story maker upper entity. I have already written 'Naked Came the Manatee' and will soon be writing one that I entitle simply 'The Boogerific No-Pants Rebellion'. After completeion of that work I will tear asunder the mental bonds between these two fine bloglits and put their minds into the wrong bodies.

So THAT'S what happened to my pumpkin bra! I lost it in a game of strip jello twister in one of the moats and thought it was gone forever.

I drive a minivan. Does that mean I'm not dateable?

As much as I do love Fed and his incredible sense of humor, I just spent the last 5 minutes dumbfounded at that post.

I'm going to miss him when he finally kills himself. I hope someone video tapes it and posts it on the blog.

And how did Fed NOT END UP IN JAIL last night?

There were a LOT of large smelly men in jail last night mourning their loss when OM: QJSOALEO came back to tell them she let Fed go.

Wasn't there another book about sea-cows who discover fire (not an easy trick for a sea creature) called Bonfire of the Manatees?


Mike Weasel - I believe that was directed by the same person who made Twenty Ducks?


Here in Cincinnati we used to go to "Car Skiing". On a really nice snowy day, we'd tie a rope to the back of a car and "water ski" down the roads being pulled by the car. Never got arrested though.
My brother and I would also tie jump ropes together and tie one end to a bike. The other would have roller blades on and get pulled around a huge parking lot by our house. After a while we figured out that if you were going a pretty good speed on the bike and turned sharply while the roller blader kept going straight, the blader would get a slingshot effect and exponentially pick up speed.
Then we built the ramps. Good times, good times.

back to the main thread sort of..
I can't believe no one's said anything as obvious as "Nice Gourds!!" yet.

I won't say it though.. I wouldn't sink that low

When we were quite young, my friend that lived next door was a boy (almost same age) by the name of Dicky. His mother was a Chaney before she married his father. She married a Byrd (not Bird) Well, just before Halloween, my father came home one day with a present for Dicky and myself. Usually, he brought us a surprise like a stick of candy. But this day, he surprised us with two false faces. He put them on us and told us to walk across the street and ring the doorbell at the Coleman's house. We were holding hands walking across the street because we were having difficulty seeing where we were going. I turned to look at Dicky about the same time that he turned to look at me. He scared me to death and vice versa. I started screaming and Dicky joined in with a duet. We just stood there screaming at each other until I ran back in the other direction. He did the same and we each ran into our respective houses. My father just stood on the sidewalk laughing his head off! The end. "Dicky, if you are surfing the blog, I beat you in Ms. Grady's math course!"

OK, we get the point eh.


They've completely ruined my story. Oh the humanity!


Someday, archeologists will be excavating this site, chipping away at the centuries of spam, and find me still sitting around in here, wishing I was car surfing instead of faxing things. Ah, youth.

Yep. Still in a pensive mood. I doubt anyone will ever read this, so I feel safe in telling you that the ultimate question to life, the universe and everything is .... ooh, something shiny!

I like to drop in every so often to check on things. It looks like the spam monsters are still around. I wonder if I could convince Her Judiness to blast the accursed spammers back to their respective levels of hell?


Neener Neener NEENER!!

C-bol's and my birfdays are coming up on July 7, so everybody get the kegs ready.

Oooh, and somebody finally got rid of most of the spam.

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