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October 22, 2004

NOW THAT WE HAVE HEARD THEIR SIDE

...we will never again poke fun at these people.

Key Quote: "I stood overnight in the freezing rain outside Ravinia, eating fried chicken and getting sick in the bushes."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

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*tries to see if "Claire Martin" anagrams to "Jeff Myerson"

Nope. Dave just likes her better.

*tries to see if "Claire Martin" anagrams to "Jeff Myerson"

Nope. Dave just likes her better.

I absolutle love this quote:

"The fans have taken such a beating over the years, there's a hesitancy to align themselves with him now," Schaffer says. "But what about him isn't cool? He had bad hair? Sure, he made some unfortunate choices in clothing and hairstyles in the '70s, but so did everyone."

Why does this remind me of a parole board hearing (not that I've ever actually had reason to be at one, mind you)?

+sigh+ I've been told by VBBF that we're going to his concert

+hanging head in shame+

Great. Now I'm REALLY gonna get beat up in school.

Slowlayne, bracketed by plus signs... cat got your asterisks?

Oh crap! I haven't been to Ravinia, but the thought of Barry Manilow does make me get sick in the bushes! Does this mean I've been infected? Is there a helmet I can wear?

Help!

And during a 1997 stand-off, Illinois police blasted Manilow's music at Shirley Ann Allen's house in downstate Roby to try to force her out.

Ha ha ha!!! That's too funny.

We could use Barry Manilow to fight the terrorists! Imagine the WMD that we could create using satelite technology and gaint, strategically placed speakers.

i'm not sure which is worse- the people the article talks about, or the simple fact that there's that much material to write about them.

kinda sounds like how me and some of my friends feel about star wars. but hey, at least we're not trekkies or manilow fans.

Looks like we made it through the rain at daybreak, but when October goes, the old songs will be ready to take a chance again.

(I find it disturbing that I know Manilow song titles not mentioned in the story. I need a drink.)

It's not nice to lie, Dave

Here Cbol, you can wear this Asshat I found in the dumpster outside of work. (Well because I hang out there so much they let me say that I "work" there)

It's practically brand new. Only a couple of minor skid marks.

(*Whispers and hopes Moaties hear* Speaking of skid marks, chk under Goofy @ you know whr, Play I spy the skid mark ;)

Topic. Oh yeah. Spew.

A lady claims she Loves him to Death. Well Lady, we're all still waiting for you to prove it. Hurry up will ya.

The real headline here has been overlooked: Substantial noses are deemed uncool!

I demand an immediate end to this vicious campaign of hatred and bigotry!

Hey, Rita! At least Diamond had a couple of decent tunes. BM ont the other hand...

Hey, Rita! At least Diamond had a couple of decent tunes. BM on the other hand...

He and and he gave without takin'...But they sent him away...Barry Manilow (B.M.)Looks kind of like an asexual jaundiced muppet these days...

"• He didn't write "I Write the Songs."
Oh, the humanity!

Actually, speaking of Star Wars, if one were to make a WMD using Barry Manilow, it would be pretty cool if it was like a hovering Death Star. And we could blast Barry music out into the mountains of Tora Bora.

It would be biblical.

13. And lo, the mount did quake with the sound of it. And the mighty Death Star did cause the inhabitants thereof to weap and wail and gnash their teeth...as well as gnash other things of which I cannot speak of.
14. And it came to pass in that day, the people did shove various things in their ears to block the sound of it. Clothing. Rocks. Burnt offerings.
15. But the power of Manilow overtook them and they did raise their semi-automatic weapons to their offending ears and divest themselves of such...along with other important and necessary parts...for if thy ear offendith thee, shoot it off, sayith Polly.

Polly 4:13-15

Which is worse..B.M. or Cher..

oh, that was beautiful polly. bravo!

as an afterthought, how would one destroy this manilow deathstar?

Key Quote: "Barry Manilow is shorthand for everything dorky and lame."

I'm just glad BM and Cher never mated.

That offspring would never die.

OB-----------------SEAN!!!!!!!!!


OB! (oso uh, sos)

Save Our Song!!!!! (dah!)

He didn't write "I Write the Songs

Actually BM never *said* he wrote the songs. He simply sang the words "I write the songs;" at most, it means that the person who wrote the song "I Write the Songs" writes the songs. Clear?

Semi-seriously, we don't apply this criteria to anybody else, so why to Barry? We don't require Eric Clapton to have actually shot the sheriff. (Of course, Clapton didn't write that song either; but we also don't require Bob Marley to have shot the sheriff, although I suspect that he may have at some point.)

He didn't write "I Write the Songs

Actually BM never *said* he wrote the songs. He simply sang the words "I write the songs;" at most, it means that the person who wrote the song "I Write the Songs" writes the songs. Clear?

Semi-seriously, we don't apply this criteria to anybody else, so why to Barry? We don't require Eric Clapton to have actually shot the sheriff. (Of course, Clapton didn't write that song either; but we also don't require Bob Marley to have shot the sheriff, although I suspect that he may have at some point.)

He didn't write "I Write the Songs

Actually BM never *said* he wrote the songs. He simply sang the words "I write the songs;" at most, it means that the person who wrote the song "I Write the Songs" writes the songs. Clear?

Semi-seriously, we don't apply this criteria to anybody else, so why to Barry? We don't require Eric Clapton to have actually shot the sheriff. (Of course, Clapton didn't write that song either; but we also don't require Bob Marley to have shot the sheriff, although I suspect that he may have at some point.)

Sorry for the triple post ...

Blog it again, Gary. You blogged it for her, you can blog it for me. I can take it if she can...

Rita - I didn't say I liked ND, I just don't dislike him. A concert might be fun though. I got drug to a performance of Copacabana a couple of years ago. That was something to dislike. (Anybody who has seen it see a similarity to Guys and Dolls?)

Good God, they walk among us undercover!

You won't catch them decked out in Manilow garb or blasting "Weekend in New England" from their car stereos. "We blend in. We're normal," Meskunas says.

Rita - I didn't say I liked ND, I just don't dislike him. A concert might be fun though. I got drug to a performance of Copacabana a couple of years ago. That was something to dislike. (Anybody who has seen it see a similarity to Guys and Dolls?)

Fans of anything or anyone look funny, weird and ridiculous to those people who are not fans.

As noted by gratuitous swipe at Trekkies, (who, BTW, have no known association with Barry Manilow) by jamie (whom I truly hope does not live long or prosper).

Just kiddn', jamie. Afterall, as a recovering Trekkie, it is not as if I haven't been mocked before. But comparing us to Manilow fans, that was harsh.

"Fanilows," "Maniloonies" and "Copacafanas."

Copacapuke.

Out of style? Cheesy? Music and passion are always in fashion!

Gary: but he did not shoot the deputy

Gary: but he did not shoot the deputy

What time ya got, MKJ?

y'all are cheeing me up. keep up the good work!

I have it on good authority that BM can put fussy babies to sleep.

P.S. Just wait for it, regardless how long it takes the blog to respond to the "Post" button.

You must admit - it has to be far less cool to be a Fanilow, Maniloonie, or - I can't even bring myself to type the other one - than it is to be the Manilow himself.

And since it was a Beach Boy who did write I write the songs, it has to have some level of cool about it (hey, I saw these guys a few months ago - a gazillion years old, gotta rest a lot between songs, but still in action - more groupies than the Remainders, anyway (and such a wide age range).

Of course, my mom dragged me to a Manilow concert back in the 70's when I was too little to do anything about it, so that may have been kind of like an inoculation - I don't get actively sick.

You must admit - it has to be far less cool to be a Fanilow, Maniloonie, or - I can't even bring myself to type the other one - than it is to be the Manilow himself.

And since it was a Beach Boy who did write I write the songs, it has to have some level of cool about it (hey, I saw these guys a few months ago - a gazillion years old, gotta rest a lot between songs, but still in action - more groupies than the Remainders, anyway (and such a wide age range).

Of course, my mom dragged me to a Manilow concert back in the 70's when I was too little to do anything about it, so that may have been kind of like an inoculation - I don't get actively sick.

Are B.M. and Bette Midler(also B.M.)the same person? They could be sisters!

Sorry - didn't get the "wait for it" post until after I didn't.

Anything worth saying is worth saying twice.

Anything worth saying...okay, maybe not.

Crap. Manilow has performed at Ravinia? I can't go there and attend performances the same way again.

Dave, thanks for the songs that you sang to us. Thanks for the articles that you brang to us.

Another key quote: "She doesn't get the whole fan culture," Meskunas says dismissively. "If you're not a fan, this looks absolutely bizarro to you."

Yeah, Ms. El Dorko Supremo Grande. What kind of loser spends all day idolizing some "celebrity," and hanging out with other dorks talking about the celebrity's life's work, and building websites to them, and following them on book tours, and...

So...I'm gonna go hang out on the moat.
"Gather my acoutrements, Manfred. I'm going foxing."

You gotta give this to Barry,though..He doesn't take himself too seriousy..he knows it's all schmaltz..it's kinda like the guy who dresses up in a hotdog suit for advertising..Its funny and lots of people like it but when the suit come off he's just a weiner like everyone else..But with a lot more money!

As one of the most recognized inspectors in animated television programming history would say: Wowser.

So what's worse than Cher on an infinte tour?


Barry Manilow on ANY tour....

I'm as allergic to BM as I am to Country/Western... *shivers*

Anagramically Challenged: Thanks - I'm a newbie poster, long-time reader. Seems you can just go back and refresh the view page after a minute, too. It looks like it's just the redirect that takes forever, not the database update...

*Ahchoo*

THEY ARE PLAYING COPACABANA AS I TYPE!!!! AAAAAAARGH!!!

MAKE IT STOOOOP!

Higgy,Cher is WAY worse than B.M. In both meanings of the abbreviation! She actually THINKS she's good!

In the infamous "Allen Raid" blasting Niel Diamond music was a viable alternative, as was repeating Sade's "You Give me the Sweetest Taboo" over and over. The chief hostage negotiator decided to go with the artist who was most likely to have a large hairy birthmark hidden somewhere on their person. We now train law inforcement from all states using these techniques.

Man, Cher is almost three times as old as me. That's really crazy. She was closing in on 40 when I was being CONCEIVED.

Dude, you know when you were being CONCEIVED?!?! That is just messed up!

You all are killing me... all I see is BM referenced above. Stands for Barry Manilow or Bowel Movement? one in the same?

How old are you, Doug?

*Passes Doug a bottle. Checks if he needs a diaper change.*

Ew. Wow. I'll let you take care of that yourself. If you can type you can change your own diapers.

Actually, I know WHERE I was concieved, thanks to some information that I really wish my parents had kept to themselves...

Maybe "Body Moving", as in the lamo song. Just ask, Fed Duck can probably supply the lyrics for you!

>>>All she said was: "I can't believe you're still following that knucklehead."

Wow, that's what my wife said to me when I offered to read her Dave's latest column!

POLLY'S CONCEPTION STORY

It was a hot, sultry night at Alexander Springs in FL. The 'rents had gone camping for the weekend and were just settling down for a little some-some in the pop up trailor. But they were not alone as the trailor began a rockin'. Their four children were also present...innocently snoring, wetting their beds, and dreaming of earthquakes and boat rides on choppy seas while Mommy and Daddy did the nasty and made babies three feet away. (I say made "babies" instead of "baby" because I like to think that I had a twin in utero that I overpowered and absorbed prior to birth.)

I just love that story. It's so appropriate.

Note: They almost named me Alexandria in honor of where I was concieved.

Polly, I wish I had been named "Alexandra"

Ok, I know I'm going to get pummeled for this, but I feel I have to come to the defense of the coolness of Neil Diamond.
To wit:
(1) Like them or not he wrote all his own songs and had dozens of number one hits throughout the late 60s, 70s, 80s and even into the 90s....
(2) His songs have been covered by Bob Dylan, Elvis, the Band, Smashmouth, the Monkees (ok, never mind the Monkees) and coolest of all, his song "Girl, You'll be a Woman soon" was covered by the punk band Urge Overkill in the movie "Pulp Fiction" with Uma Thurman dancing to it....
(3) He performed at the farewell concert for The Band, captured in "The Last Waltz" by Martin Scorcese... and Robbie Robertson of The Band produced Neil's "Beautiful Noise" album....
(4) He obviously has a sense of humor about himself. Just check out the movie "Saving Silverman" which mocks him relentlessly, but he appears in the damn thing... It's a relatively stupid movie, but anything with Jack Black and Amanda Peet can't be all bad....
(5) He made a movie with Laurence Olivier.... It wasn't all that good, but hey, Have you made a movie with Olivier???

OK, I'm done.... Let the pummeling begin.....

Polly your last comment was the 69th of this thread..Talk about appropriate.

Polly, I wish I had been named "Alexandra"

70th!

Pinto you are sure to get beaned for that one!

Ok, I know I'm going to get pummeled for this, but I feel I have to come to the defense of the coolness of Neil Diamond.
To wit:
(1) Like them or not he wrote all his own songs and had dozens of number one hits throughout the late 60s, 70s, 80s and even into the 90s....
(2) His songs have been covered by Bob Dylan, Elvis, the Band, Smashmouth, the Monkees (ok, never mind the Monkees) and coolest of all, his song "Girl, You'll be a Woman soon" was covered by the punk band Urge Overkill in the movie "Pulp Fiction" with Uma Thurman dancing to it....
(3) He performed at the farewell concert for The Band, captured in "The Last Waltz" by Martin Scorcese... and Robbie Robertson of The Band produced Neil's "Beautiful Noise" album....
(4) He obviously has a sense of humor about himself. Just check out the movie "Saving Silverman" which mocks him relentlessly, but he appears in the damn thing... It's a relatively stupid movie, but anything with Jack Black and Amanda Peet can't be all bad....
(5) He made a movie with Laurence Olivier.... It wasn't all that good, but hey, Have you made a movie with Olivier???

OK, I'm done.... Let the pummeling begin.....

Pinto you are sure to get beaned for that one!

Hoboken's Conception Story

Dad: How much?

I dunno... "Hoboken" is, well, it's really original and, um, unique. Your parents must love you very much to, ah, give you such a name.

((Ahem))

Yeah. Well... later.

Polly, honey, we ALL know where we were conceived, in momma's coochie!

'Course, not all of us know the REST of the setting...

Like you, I was told by my parents. Unlike your parents, mine were unsatisfied with simply providing a retelling, and so gave me a commemorative "Pop-Up Book of Your Conception" (order yours today!) they had commissioned.

Or misconception..

Scarier than BM or ND? Well, how 'bout RS?

I don't know if I'll get kicked off the blog for this, but...ehem...I like Barry Manilow's music. I don't happen to own any of his stuff, but when I was a kid, it was da bomb! Even did a rollerskating play to it.

That was a LONG time ago...

Dolls are really getting expensive these days . . .

An entourage would probably help BM's image

"ALL OF HER JOINTS ARE EXCEPTIONALLY TIGHT, AS SHE HAS NEVER BEEN USED, NEVER DRESSED! SHE IS SO VERY STIFF LIKE NEW!! I NEVER PUT HER IN THE "SITTING" POSITION AT ALL. SHE IS SO PRISTINE!!!"

MKJ - Is it me, or does that portion of the "Barbie" description sound vaguely sexual?

Shadey: it might be you . . .

Fans like these don't care that - to the unenlightened - Barry Manilow is sometimes seen as a kitsch icon, a human punch line. With his poofy hair, substantial nose and unblinkingly earnest songs, some see him as a living example of all that is, well ... uncool.

If you have these anti-Barry sentiments, though, take our advice: Don't dream of suggesting such heresy to his fans. They don't want to hear it.

Hey fans - Barry Manilow is a kitsch icon, a human punch line. With his poofy hair, substantial nose and unblinkingly earnest songs, he's a living example of all that is, well ... uncool. Get over it/him.

MKJ - You're probably right.

Oh man... have you seen RS on "Whose Line Is It Anyways" hosted by Drew Carry? That has to be one of the funniest tv moments of all time! I almost died laughing the first time I saw it! I will never look at RS the same after that...

Hmmm. I'd really be interested in that pop-up conception story book thingy, Christobol.

I can give one to each of my children on their next birthdays.

Oldest Pollywog: Mommy was very, very drunk and practically passed out on the bed when Daddy, (who was also very, very drunk), crawled on top of me. I can't remember what happened after that.

Middle Pollywog: Mommy was very, very drunk and trying to express breastmilk from her breasts before feeding your older brother as she didn't want to get him plastered. Daddy, (who was also very, very drunk), came up behind Mommy and I can't remember what happened after that.

Youngest Pollywog: Mommy was very, very drunk and had forgotten to take her birth control pill the day before. Oops! Daddy had just returned from a deployment and was very, very horny. And I can't remember what happened after that.

How do you think that would work in a pop-up?

I always thought it was fascinating that Barbie started out as a German sex toy named Lili.

Okay so it's not that fascinating, so sue me.

Think twice before auctioning your vote on ebay

Think twice before auctioning your vote on ebay

CEO: And so I really do believe, in concurrence with Mr. Simpleton, that if we can ramp up production of our C12 units while controlling human workforce expenses, we are poised to thrust into the Chinese market and gyrate our way to an explosive fourth quarter. What do you think, MKJ?

MKJ: Well... I always thought it was fascinating that Barbie started out as a German sex toy named Lili.

Polly, I'm confused. First on top, then from behind. So what about the third time?

Polly, I'm confused. First on top, then from behind. So what about the third time?

Polly, I'm confused. First on top, then from behind. So what about the third time?

Oh, and I, personally, have spoken with Mr. Manilow on the telephone. Not on purpose mind you, the telephone rang and I picked it up.

Without further ado (or adon't, as the case dictates):

The Green Eggs and Sperm Popup Book

Sperm and Eggs,
They make you, see?
From mom and dad,
So let me be!

I will teach you of sperm and eggs.
It all starts between mommy's legs!
Adults get drunk, and take off their clothes,
Sometimes some stuff squirts up mommy's nose!

Just watch Humpy, you will see.
He rides Chester, and yells "wheee!"
They chug Jim Beam and grunt and groan
Like mommy's "friend" when daddy's gone!

Mommy wiggles her ramparts,
And daddy's done before it starts!
If you wonder from where you came,
The TV repairman is to blame!

Let your friends in on the tale:
Mom's knocked up and dad's in jail!

-FD

Hee hee, Fed! That was hilarious! I see that you went with the NC-17 version. ;-)

Fed, what, no mention of the Manilow music to set the tone?? I mean the tone for morning sickness.

Manilow fans insist they are "extremely normal people" who don't openly show their Manilove.

*races upstairs to private library*
*finds pop-up book missing*
*checks punky-catalogue system*

Hey Fed, you've got a late fee of eleven centimeters.

LOL on the rendition!

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