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October 20, 2004


But starting next year, I'm gonna be out of the paper for at least a while.

Update: To answer some questions in the comments: I do plan to keep the blog going on some random basis. As for judi: She will be working as an exotic dancer.

No, really, judi will keep doing her job. One of my goals is to find out what that is.


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After four hurricanes in one season, you deserve a break. Can I have your blue shirt for the
Dave Barry Memorial Museum we just opened last week in suburban Apple Springs, Texas? I could use one of your generators too since we've had that little "misunderstanding" with those stupid rat bastards down at the power company.

P.S. There's a rumor going around that the Dead Sox winning a pennant is the final sign in the Book of Revelation that the jig is up. Is that true?


Dear Dave,
Thank you for all the laughter and for making me feel better about life in general. In particular, your column on how your brain never lets you forget embarrasing things (from Dave Barry's Greatest Hits) helped me laugh off my own blush-worthy memories. Have a wonderful break, and please come back!

evil little pixie, aka Katie

PS- to my fellow bloggits, sorry I just stopped posting back in June! I got really behind on the blog in Spain, and when I got back I decided I should focus on face-to-face social interraction rather than face-to-screen. But I missed you!

pixie ... so great to see you here again.

We missed you.


awwww- thanks Punky. I'll try to stop by every now and then. maybe I can catch up on the MOAT at least . . .

*Picks it up swiftly right where Punky left off*

(Good thing this tune was already here, cuz I certainly can't carry one)

We don't love any writer
As much as you
When you're not writing
We're blue
Oh, Dave ... We love you!

One thing before I pass out:


{I will pay due respects to his greatness in the morrow, for now I must seek out some much needed Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's (not Zeeeeeeeeees')}

Just found a story on the internet that the word is Dave is going to take over hosting what was formerly the Craig Kilborn show, The Late Late Show.

Glad you are making the jump into TV, Dave. More people deserve to see you.

Congrats! Been reading you since '86. In fact my first wife and I always made love after reading your column on Sunday morning.


I hope you have a nice vacation, but I am certainly going to miss your humor. I'm an avid comics reader, and I found myself in recent years going straight to the section of our local Sunday paper where your column is printed... before the comics. I hope the Herald runs some classic reruns, and I hope you do discover you can't live without writing... for the sake of the sanity of our nation.

Well... that's okay... Dave deserves a break... I'm okay with this. Of course, he's going to have to start publishing at least one book a month.

But seriously, Dave...
As, I think, a number of bloggers have mentioned, nobody says, "This is stupid," better than you. I first discovered you back when my wife was pregnant with our son and I stumbled on "Babies and Other Hazzards of Sex," at my local book store. My son will be 18 next month. He reads your stuff as avidly as I do.
Well, have a nice break. (We still have you for a couple of months.) Don't forget about us, okay?


i emailed you the article you wanted... so that email address you used better be right :)

I'll miss ya stopping by for coffee and crullers on Sunday mornings, Dave.

BTW, it's your turn to buy.......after all, even though you never drink any of the coffee, you've caused me to waste much of it by sending it through my nose.

Boo. Hiss. *Sob*

Does this mean Harry Anderson is coming out of semi-retirement?

SJ, you're a heroine. Thank you very much! I now have it safely archived away for posterity.

BTW, by devoting my entire lunchtime to figuring out how to get Google to search the way I wanted it to, and hampered by the fact that I had incorrectly remembered that particular line of the song, I also finally found a link to that and a few other 1998 DB columns that were ripped off and buried away Here

Vintage Dave that requires pauses between columns to regain control of your breathing.

I haven't read all 343 comments (since I spent all day doing things like work, work, laundry and then more work), but I have to say that this news traumatized me. I hadn't looked at this blog in 9.5 trillion days, but what a time it was for me to look.

Don't disappear, Dave. If you do, we won't have the latest updates on things like snakes and toilet manners.

enjoy the break dave...I don't even mind sporadic efforts in the blog...but keep those productivity enhancers coming, eh?

1) Booger

2) Have a wonderful break, Dave - you deserve a rest. I've been a fan since the 'Babies & Other Hazards of Sex' book (I live in the UK and we STILL don't get your column syndicated anywhere, pah) which is ohmigawd nearly 20 years now. Eek. I need a lie down. But anyway, have fun! (and keep dropping by on the blog, pleeeeeease)

You know how I feel about this: There ARE no coincidences, although I will say that it's going to be REALLY hard for Dave to beat the Ralph Nader Party's candidate, no matter WHO they wind up nominating.

(sob)(sob)(sniffle) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!It's just that you're funnier..yes I know that looks aren't everything,but...(chins up ol' girl)First patrick then Erma then Gary and now you..Aloha,Oh Funny One

Don't do it Dave, don't do it!!!!!!!!!

Well if you gota do it, Dave, then I will miss your column, just I have one question for ya!

You never wrote me back when I sent you an email asking if you need help to become President, so does that mean you don't want to become President anymore, Dave?

I can do more than just take out the garbage, Dave! I'm experienced!

It's all the Herald's fault. They were working you too hard and keeping you down. That does it. If I'm ever in Miami, I won't subscribe. There, that will teach them not to work their people too hard.

Miss you!

Dear Dave,
I know I'm way Late To The Gate, owing to the 8-hour time distance and all, but I wanted to convey my heartfelt thanks and appeciation for your columns over the years. They have been a sanity preserver over some very hard times.

"They can do that without me." Wanna BET? Nobody can be Dave like Dave! There's every other humor writer in America, and then there's DAVE. There's only one Dave. The Onion? John Stewart? Mere wannabies.

My reaction to the news (found out yesterday):

Please, Dave, don't retire! Take your break- but come back!

We need you.

Yours sincerely,


sj-email it to me too! The link is real.

"We love you Dave,
Oh yes we do,
We love you Dave,
And we'll be true,
When you're not with us,
We're blue!
Oh Dave, we love you!"

wysiwyg I clicked on your link for the back issues of Dave Barry columns and our internet at work has blocked it, saying access to the website "Racism and Hate" is not permitted at this time....Dave Barry columns on a Racism and Hate Website?? Is that the right link?

philintexas: yes. If the Sox win the Series better start girding and bracing, buying generators and tossing your lawn furniture in the pool. I don't think that will be enough to appease the Angry Gods, however, as we're all in for a sh#tst&rm. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I will now commit supuku.

ARG. How will I live with out Dave? Will I now have to actually BUY one of his books?! The horror!

Dave, please take up golf. What happens when people take up golf is the golf syndrome takes over where you HAVE to have the lastest clubs, shoes, hat, clothes, radio, drinks, etc. And HOW will you pay for all that you say? You will HAVE to come back to Herald and write, THATS how!

Good luck Dave. We will miss you.

Guys, he's not dying! He's not even retiring! He's still going to write books and, according to the article, perhaps occasional features for the Herald. He's just taking some well-deserved time off.

Enjoy your time with your family, Dave. We'll miss your columns, but look forward to your other work. Life is about change, and I look forward to see what you'll get up to next.

Incidentally, as much as I love your columns, the one that I've hung onto for several years is a feature that you did about Dan Marino and the Dolphins. Excellent storytelling and reporting-- I hope you'll get the opportunity to do more things like it.

I love you, man.
Replacing my Herald.com link with the blog link.
Pleeze don't abandon us at Xmas- I need that shopping guide!!!!!!!!!!

Many's the time I've wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes after reading one of your columns, and said to no one in particular (because that's usually who's in the room with me), "How does he keep *doing* this every day!?" I see you've been considering this question yourself. I'm gonna miss ya.


The ONE day I can't get on the Blog because my son is demanding tons of attention (read: all day kinds of attention) and you drop this on me.

And I second the request to keep the shopping guide up, please! My family has a "crappy gift exchange" (really!).

Seriously, the first time my dad pointed out that your column was in the paper, which was at least ten years ago, I have been hooked. Not just because you are funny as so many people are funny, but because you are a genius. you can manipulate the english language in a most ingenius fashion and produce some of the funniest mental images I have ever seen. I still can't read the article out loud about your dogs and the back patio even though I KNOW how it goes. It is just too funny and brilliant and yet completely relatable.

You have a rare talent, Mr Barry. I have the card that was sent about me being an "alert reader" because I sent in an article about a squirrel frying itself on a transistor box, and it (the card) is framed now.

The time I appreciated you the most, though, were those unbelievable days following 9/11. I remember that week and you saying that you were taking your humor back. I wasn't sure I was ready for that, but it turned out that was exactly what I needed. It is still what I need; a funny-check when life gets too bleak.

Then there were the serious articles. They always made me cry. We aren't talking little teary eyes, sniffles, but full-on tears streaming down, husband wondering what the HECK I am reading crying. And that, in my book, shows your power. Sure, you can, and have, made us laugh more times than we can count, but you also made us cry. The power of words is amazing, and you possess it in quantities rarely seen. You think you can be replaced, but you can't even by real news, which is hilarious.

We'll be missing you. You always can make us laugh or cry. Or, possibly, both. At the same time.


PS We'll keep blogging, but it might not feel the same.

And we KNOW he isn't dying. But our humor is, just a little bit. Even though he is only one star, the night will seem a little darker once he is gone. But maybe he will come back... PLEEEEEEEEASE??? *hopeful look with puppy dog eyes*

I can't tell you how depressed I am...won't get my Sunday morning "Dave-fix"! Please tell us the papers will be printing a "best of" series while you're on break! Do we need to talk to our local paper to request they carry it? Since I'm in Omaha, maybe we can talk your brother into "taking up the cause"!! We'll miss you! Please don't be gone too long!!

you're not really leaving, are you dave.

you just want to make people say nice things about you.

good trick. now go back to work.

Anne(ette): you should have been in Vegas. Dave told the dogs on the back porch story along with many more, including the North Dakota sewage plant. He was great, I shook his hand and got his autograph on Peter and the Starcatchers ("To Jeff, a blog giant -- Dave Barry"), and had my picture taken with him. It was a definite high point.

Whoops, sorry about the excessive bolding.

LTTG as always:

Best Wishes, Dave, Take Care and Be Well.

Thanks *clink*

's okay, Jeff. One feels more bold after having been in Dave's presence. Frame that picture.


Here's to 4 year olds and Barbie Dolls!

From a big fan - have a great year-long vacation.

Now I must go make sure my book collection is complete.....


Pixie! Eadn! Doug!

Its like homecoming, only sadder.

Is Tina in denial?

Jeff, sadly, Vegas is about twelve hours away. Not only that, but I missed him here in Portland too. Man, I am not doing so well.

And I think even if Tina isn't in denial, I am and will continue to be. I will miss being able to look forward to at least one guarenteed funny a week. >sniff

Booger. :'(

Davey Dave The Barry Funny

Just wanted to say a special Thanks for all the years of Flatulence.
And for the corruption that will surely insue once my soon to be born son learns to read the plethra of Mr.Barry literature that is scattered about the homestead. You'll be passed on through the Generations of Fish. (Which I guess is better than being on passed through the colon)

Speaking of overdue. Your taking some time off most certainly is.

Here's to Family Time!

And here's an Old Irish sayin,

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

May the road always rise to meet your feet and trip your enemies.

Well, I would be remiss in my duties as a writer if I did not offer up this piece on Dave.

Barrying Dave

The mammoth audience that makes up Dave Barry's incredibly loyal readership gave pause at the announcement of his upcoming leave of absence from the column he has written since God was a child. However, within that huge following, there is a particular group of people who have been struck hard by the news.

We humor writers.

You see, Dave Barry, though viewed by most as simply a funny, funny man, is considered by humorists to be, well, I won't mince words: The luckiest son of a bitch to walk the planet.

And so we are all awash in a kaleidoscope of emotions. Sadness that his retirement from weekly merry making will deprive us of the only page in the paper worth reading. Awe at what surely, although family oriented, must have a been a wrenching decision. And finally glee. Yes, that's right, complete, total, unadulterated, glee because now the rest of us may just have a chance to crawl out from underneath his Vesuvius sized shadow and get noticed.

You see, humor writing is a religion. And like most callings, it is undervalued, underpaid and underunderstood. (Humorists do, however, get the luxury of toiling at home in their underunderwear, so there are perks.) We write because we have to. It's what we do best. And Dave Barry's ascendency to comic heights is the stuff we players on the humor farm team dream about. Being called up to the majors, via syndication, is the equivalent of "going to the show" in baseball. Although unlike big league ball players, we humorists - and I believe Dave would attest to this - still don't get laid or paid as much.

Are we less funny than Dave? Nah. While there are plenty of writers out there who aspire, with no true funny bone to back them up, there are just as many of us (notice I use "us, as in "me") who can manufacture a piece of writing so crisp in its freshness, so tight in its crafting and so deft in its wordplay, that even Dahli Dave would laugh out loud. The difference?

Dave's big butt has been hogging the spotlight for more than twenty freaking years.

Sure, he's been consistent, knocking out home runs with each column. And admittedly, his Pulitzer achievement of 1998 remains unmatched. He's had a string of best selling books. Oh, and there's that TV show of several years back and an upcoming film of one of his works, in which he stars alongside the inimitable John Cleese - all testament to the greatness that is Dave.

But Dave, I gotta tell you, if you had not come to this decision on your own, there was a gang of us ready to take you on an Everglades adventure and feed your funny ass to a humorless, salivating swamp gator.

Hmmm, Humorless Salivating Swamp Gator. Now that's a kickass name for a rock band.

Take that Dave.

Linda Sharp is a humorless, salivating swamp gator, author and columnist appearing in print around the globe and across the web. Her latest book is Stretchmarks On My Sanity: The Growing Pains of Raising a Family. She may be reached at lsharp03@aol.com

Crap. Now I'm in a mood. And I seem to have devoloped this Earwig. So I'll share. No, Really I don't mind. (It's Nowhere Near Cristobolshastaluigioelemantini the Greats, but Here it is)


Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be,
There’s a large doot hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why HE had to go I don’t know HE wouldn’t say.
HE said nothing's wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, I looked forward to FatherBarry's column every Sabbath day.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm.

better than nothing: ditto on Andy Borowitz. He is pretty funny, especially on Bush & Kerry.

Linda Sharp: frankly, I've never heard of you until now (or was that your point?) but I liked your piece. Good luck in the show.

Dave, Dave, Dave. I've been stalking (er, reading your column) you from the safety of my car (um, home) for some time now.

And NOW I find out you've lived in Miami, FLORIDA all this time??? What the heck have I been doing in this pitiful 19th century village in northeastern Oklahoma for all these years???

Ah well...a dad has to do what a dad has to do - Number one is taking care of your family and never missing the opportunity to see your child grow. I'm glad that you are taking this time to relax, to live, and to love. I suppose that I'm on my own for deciding what to buy next Christmas eh? Fare thee well, my friend. Arrrrrrrr.

P.S.: So... that really wasn't you I followed around in Wal-Mart last Tuesday? Hehehe.


Sorry about the link. I've got to admit I neglected to mention that the site was really weird and not a nice place to go (from everything I hear from Dave, rather like Miami).

Still, it was the only place on the entire net (according to Google) that had anything like a selection of the old Dave columns, so I deep-linked direct to them so nobody would have to go past all the other crap the "Birdman" has on his site.

His work rests there rather like a pearl amongst the doots.

But I forgot about site filters, and I certainly would not recommend that site as a candidate for making an exception.

But all this has given me another idea. It might be possible to set up a site - with Dave's permission of course - containing a selection of his columns, and then running a sort of "readers choice" vote on what are the all-time best ones. He could then recycle this old rope for his next book.

Of course I will need editorial assitance from the various other Bloglits (Bloggers?, Bloggits? What the hell is the collective noun for us anyway? A "wit" of Blog writers? A poetry? A gaggle? We need to get this issue settled) as I also have a real job, and I'm time-zone challenged.

Anyway, leave it with me for the moment, unless you've (not yoove) got any additional suggestions for the pitch I'll need to make to Dave about the idea.

Dave was interviewed on NPR Midday yesterday by Gary Eichten. Gary read two of your comments above, then Dave mentioned one... MINE... and agreed with it!

Well, of course I was joking (no, I wasn't) but then, I am a Nasshat.

I blame Windows XP service pack 2.

how funny. i just listened to dave on the npr tape, and he doesn't sound anything like i thought he would.

i wouldn't match your voice with your face, dave. are you sure that was you?

Fer cryin' out loud..
My paper won't be worth a damn any more either, but come on people. Get a grip.

Although it certainly helps, one need not get a fresh serving of the Word of Dave every week to make life bearable,

Spend a buck, and reread/recycle/rediscover the classics, such as Dave Barry -
..is from Mars and Venus
..Turns 40
..Turns 50
..Hits Below the Beltway
..Complete Guide to Guys
..Boogers are my Beat
..in Cyberspace

Begging Dave to continue the Year in Review, I am your obedient correspondent,


P.S. On a long daily commute, you can't beat the books on tape versions of "Guide to Guys" and "Hits Below the Beltway". Makes the other drivers wonder what you are laughing at.

Geez, my life is completely in the crapper, my comp goes off it's nut (pecan, if you're wondering), and when I get the comp semi-functional again, and check back here because I NEED a laugh...well, I get laugh's opposite.

Now everything officially sucks and blows.

I do feel like I've lost a friend, and Jon Stewart is great, but he's no you. No one is. I own an entire shelf of your books, hardcover and trade paperback. I read them every night, shuffling around, opening them at random. At first they made me laugh, then I can notice the brilliant structure, the incredible skill with tone and language, and no matter how many rereads and visits we have, your weepers still get me teary.

I have an entire library, an actual room of books, but yours never get put away.

I'm a book-pusher, a writer, and a former English uni study--a complete word geek--and when people ask me my favourite writer it's Shakespeare, Dave Barry, and Stephen King. And when people give me a weird look for that, I know I was just questioned by a total moron. You had strong company, yes, but yours were the only words I had to keep reading, and easily the ones I learned the most from.

You do what you need to do, to keep laughing. And smiling. Your real readers would hate to think of you as unhappy, especially for work (and for us). I guess you remembered:

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

But I draw your attention to:

24. You friends love you anyway.


25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

So go on, go relax, dance, have a good time, live in your pjs, snuggle your family, but don't EVER say you won't be missed.

I still miss Earnest and Zippy.

Whatever you give to the world comes back to you threefold, so hold on, it's going to be happy, beautiful, wild, and bright (and not just with flaming poptarts)...

Be well,


ps. And if you get bored, I've always got room for more books. Just saying.


Just....don't go getting all mature and stuff, okay? None of that now.


Just....don't go getting all mature and stuff, okay? None of that now.

No one has thought to ask - WWCMD - What Will Claire Martin Do?

We'll miss you, Dave!

And I don't know what to think anymore. Dave's leaving, Craig Kilborn left The Late Late Show, Leno's leaving The Tonight Show, and the Red Sox have a shot at the World Series. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

Dave - Thankyou for making me laugh over the years. Thankyou for the humour. Across the world (i'm in New Zealand) you will be missed.

Best wishes to you in your future .......

Dear Dave (aka Peter Pan),

My 86-year-old mom has just mailed another letter to you. She's shaken by your news of taking leave. She's the "deranged" woman you certified as such by postcard following receipt of her photos posed enthroned while reading DAVE BARRY IS NOT TAKING THIS SITTING DOWN! -- yes, the snapshots that were hung on your old office wall beside the bear.

From now to the end of our days, we will search for you in any public forum you choose. Health permitting, and with luck we might attend your Tacoma, WA presentation. Meanwhile, we'll read your books and wait for your movie. Whatever you publish, whenever you want to share, you've got an audience.

You have provided so much enjoyment over the years. Countless people reaped the rewards of your humor. By long distance, I read many of your weekly columns to my father before he moved closer. At that point, I read our Sunday paper to him in person so I could see his smile and we could laugh together. I counted on you to provide the kind of guy's humor he really enjoyed.

You are adopted as a son and a brother into our family. As such, we support you in whatever you decide to do.

Thank you most sincerely, Wendy


You've been writing columns since before I was born. I own at least half of your books (I make it a point to buy another one whenever I can afford it. I've been buying them as they come out since 2000). I've read all your books. Probably at least 4 times a piece; much more for the ones that I actually own. You helped make me want to be a writer, helped try to make me funny (that last one...didn't work out quite the way I wanted it to. writing funny things is much, much harder than it looks). Sure, Jon Stewart is awesome, and one of the best journalists around today--The Onion is pretty awesome too. But they just ain't Dave.

I might weep.

- Rahnia

Don't go Dave! You are our last link to sanity in this insane world! I have all of your books. Some of them I have even bought twice due to my mild case of CRS. I quote you at work constantly and have found that my coworkers are seriously lacking in the humor department. Many times I've said. "Dave Barry! You know. He writes books and for the Miami Herald! Then I tell them your Lassie story." They all laugh hysterically as they back slowly away from me.
Seriously you are great and will be missed by all of us. Keep writing the books. I just finished "Boogers Are My Beat" and I loved it.
In fact I loved it so much I will probably go out and buy another copy tomorrow!

Thanks for the entertainment, and enjoy yourself!

Jeez, I'm away for a while, I come back, and look what happens!

Dave, you've been good to all of us. Too good, really. I've been reading you for as long as I can remember (I'm 23 now.) I was infinitely devastated when the Toronto Star stopped running your column on Sundays, but it prompted me to later discover your blog & all the fine, fun people within. I've gotten to know plenty of good friends (including my husband) just by asking, "Do you like Dave Barry?" Most of all, you inspired me to pursue writing - well, you and Stephen King. But you're the only writer that's made me both laugh and cry, sometimes simultaneously. Enjoy your well-deserved break. You will be greatly missed, and I hope all of these responses have shown you what a positive impact you've made on the world. Please don't ever stop writing... if not for us, then for yourself. You don't have to publish it, but it feels good to write anyway. Take care, friend. Booger.

First Gary Larson retires, and then Douglas Adams passes on.

The third great humorist of our age, Dave Barry, plans a sabbatical, but assures us he will pop in if he gets a chance and issues warrant his insight.

It’s a tiny beacon of hope for us all that he may return after a year. If not, we will press on.

I think the best way to start letting him go is to just say...

Tipiyokti. Tipiyokti you very much Dave. For everything.

400. (Clink)

Paul: How dare Douglas Adams die?

And all these people quit, yet Garry Trudeau keeps, er, "working." There is no justice. (Although Bill Watterson did come back.)

So long and thanks for all the laughs.

sigh. this is worse than a hard disk crash...

Wait, Dave, couldn't you just sit down one afternoon and crank out 52 columns before you go?

Hi Dave, just wanted to say I'll miss your weekly column. Three times in my life I have made a public spectacle of myself laughing at something you wrote. Nobody else does it better. Have a great year off.

Hi Dave, just wanted to say I'll miss your weekly column. Three times in my life I have made a public spectacle of myself laughing at something you wrote. Nobody else does it better. Have a great year off.


thank you... your columns jump-start every one of my weeks here in college... :) and starting each week with a good laugh makes all the difference in the world.

i hope you have a fantastic break! You really do deserve it.

aloha :)

Awwwwww....this is way bad....this reminds me of when the Far Side went away.
Hope you return all rested and ridiculous.


How very nice of all the spammers to drop by and say their farewells to Dave's column. /thinly veiled sarcasm

Go get'em Fluffy! Sic 'em, Pliskin!

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