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October 20, 2004


But starting next year, I'm gonna be out of the paper for at least a while.

Update: To answer some questions in the comments: I do plan to keep the blog going on some random basis. As for judi: She will be working as an exotic dancer.

No, really, judi will keep doing her job. One of my goals is to find out what that is.


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This totally, totally, totally sucks.

Zoodle the mature adult - Dave: You really deserve the break and time to enjoy your daughter,etc etc (what they said).

Zoodle the "how I'm feeling right now" - Noooooooo. Please at least blog more than randomly. Booger.

**Clink Clink **

Dave ...you're the greatest. I'm going to re-read all my Dave Barry books and hopefully a new one will be out by the time I'm done.

And...this totally totally totally sucks.

(Jon Stewart does not blog, hmmm, where else . . . )

Ima Nasshat - you're right.

You are a nasshat.

Dave, thanks for providing a forum (this blog, your columns, books, etc.) where I have learned such interesting words and phrases as

I am not making this up
That is all
small emergency backup dog
detonated (used as in "the dogs detonated on the patio")
...and many more

(I already knew "booger")

And of course, we'll see you sometime in Bimini. If Buster can make it.

Where the hell IS Bimini, anyway?


"If every day were a holiday, then to play would be as tedious as work." Shakespeare

MKJ: Also if there were no total drunkeness, than we would not know what moderation was.

Don't forget crapweasel or doots.

rita - "moderation" is when you are the neutral question-asker person at a debate.

Peter, you're right! Two of my favourite words, even! How could I forget??

rita - We're having a hazing??! Who's being initiated, and what are we making them do?

Crap, now the b#gg*r ate my post! It was important too. I forget what it said.

Anyway, Dave, if you're not around how will we know that dozens of Thai penis ops go wrong?

Or who will tell us when a couple -- not even in Florida! -- ?

Or what about the Malaysian man "cooked" in a giant wok with dumplings?

Who is going to keep everyone updated on that?

Well, OK, I guess I can, but we still need you.

What about Productivity Enhancers? We need to more productive than this blog already makes us.

*crashes helicopter into a dog, dog detonates*

Modernization? Yea, that's when old becomes new again.


At the Austin Book Festival last October, you signed a book to me that said "To Katie-A Goddess." After waiting in the rain for 40 minutes to see you, you totally made my day with those 4 small words.

To Dave-A Friend *clink*

You're leaving?! For your FAMILY????

But what about MY needs???


Best of luck, Dave. Enjoy the time off. You deserve it. And I'm not making that up.


Sorry about that. Here's the link:

Couple drives off cliff while having steamy sex.


I'm a long-time fan and blurker here and I'm not sure what else I can say that hasn't already been said. You definitely deserve some time off. Family is SO important, and I hope you will enjoy every minute that you spend with them.

However, please know (as if you couldn't tell from all these posts) that you will be missed terribly. No one else has the ability to make me laugh like you do! Thanks for all you've done. Good luck and God bless.

Jeff - we're relieved authorities did not have to pry out his stunned member, but stunned partner.


I'll say what hasn't been said.

Its all a big joke!! Yup, any minute now Dave will make a post that he was just kidding. Yup, any minute now Dave will say:

"HAHAHAHAHA, boy-o-howdy, you should see the looks on your faces. Can't you take a joke? How could I possible leave this love-fest?"

Right Dave, RIGHT? DAVE?

Hopefully Judi will continue to link us to the new Yeti Sports game

...and the new room to escape.

Ahem. Who would be the most likely person around here to have a handy anagram of "Dave Barry"? (Ahem.) But I'm going to make you wait, just like any good criminal mastermind wishing to maximize his parade of torture, just in case I haven't thought of the anagram yet.

Guy: Oooh Aaah
Girl: Oh baby
Guy: Ooh yes (uh-oh not time yet) {puts car in gear}
Girl: Oh your really making the earth move!
Guy: Yeah, yeah I'll send some help back. *Wipes off brow* (whoo close one.)

Doug - how about:

Very Bar Ad
Dry a Brave
Rad Bravey

Jeff ... those folks must have thought they were having one hell of an orgasm.

Too bad.


I manage to soak a keyboard, and it's not even from spewing with laughter, it's my clumsy self knocking over a glass of water.

I should be glad it wasn't the orange soda.

Peter, I was just going to say I had almost forgotten about doots (impossible as it my seem) I was just rereading Dave Barry is From Mars and Venus, and it was in there. Look! A doot!

I stopped trying to read this, and I'm gonna keep pressing enter while I post
I understand blowing the margins as a sign of grief, but I'm getting dizzy trying
to read it all.

I have been reading Dave's columns and books for over 10 years now, and his
ability to spot the absurd in the everyday mundanities continually
amazes me. We love you Dave. Please consider us to be Amex cards and don't
leave the blog without us!!

Dr. Dog...I'm sure we all wish this was just a joke! I'll wait patiently with you for Dave's post to that effect...

Okay, my new name for Dave Barry is (ready?): Bard Avery. Everybody got that? If you see someone writing off in Indian newspapers come January named "Bard Avery," THAT'S DAVE BARRY IN DISGUISE. DO NOT BE FOOLED. MOO, WE ARE A COW. JEREMIAH WAS A BULLFROG. DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO.

Ray Adverb
Davy Barer

Doug - Sorry, but I gotta go with MOTW on this one. Ray Adverb it is.

Wasn't Bard Avery a thirteenth century English monk who was burned at the stake for booger jokes and obscure references? I think that moniker is way to obvious. I think he will reappear as Dave Berry. That'll give him a good head start.

Okay, I definitely concede. Ray Adverb is way too killer.

Ms. Nomer!

They just read your comment on the NPR show that Dave is on.

To Those Cowering in Fear of a World Without Dave, I say, chins up! While he may not be publishing much about it during his sabbatical, Dave will still be out there in this startling world observing, as only he can observe, the startling behavior of its occupants. Dave will not be a hermit living in a vaccuum, folks! His eyes will remain open, his uniquely wired brain will not go on standby.

That's right, folks, this will actually be an opportunity for Dave to take a more in-depth and leisurely look at the world, free of the burdens of deadlines and column-inches, and come screaming back in total panic.

WAIT, that's not what I meant! He's Dave - he can take the world on and live to tell the tale quite nicely. Just think of the art museums he will have the chance to visit, the back-country attractions he will have the chance to uncover, the web-surfing time he will have on his hands. If he can stay out of the way of Florida drivers, and not immolate himself during Pop-Tart experiments, and remain out of reach of XP Service Pack 2, I believe we will all in the end be enriched by this turn of events.

The above is not to say you won't be missed in the meantime, Dave (you soon-to-be-blurker, you), but I think that might have already been mentioned once or twice. And, of course, enjoy the family blessings you richly deserve!

anagrams: how about 'a very bard'
Will Maria Alquilar include 'Dave Barrie' in her next mosaic?
Have a nice rest, Dave.


(To the tune of Ambrosia's - How much I feel)

We don't know how this whole business started
Of you thinkin' that you need something new
But if you think that we'd be better parted
It's gonna hurt us but we'll break away from you
Well just give us the sign and we will be gone

That's how much we feel
Feel for your column
How much we need
We need your humor
How much we live
We live for your writing
That's how much
That's how much
That's how much
That's how much

Sleep and late at night we're dreamin'
Of the togetherness that seems to be leavin' us
Oh no!
You'd give it all and then you'd, give some more
If you would only write to us like you had before
Oh, write on the BLOG
And all will be forgiven

That's how much we feel
Feel for you column
How much we need
We need your humor
How much we live
We live for your writing
That's how much
That's how much
That's how much
That's how much

So you try
Try to stay in the middle
And then you cry
Well you cry just a little
Then we both realize
Just how foolish you may have been
Ooh, And you try to make amends
But we'll always be your friends
'Cause that's how much
That's how much
That's how much
That's how much

How's your life been goin' on?
We've got a new BLOG now, days we've been going strong
Oh no!
There's just something that we've got to say
Sometimes on Sunday's
We still read your page...
Just try to recall when we were as one

That's how much we feel
Feel for you column
How much we need
We need your humor
How much we live
We live for your writing
That's how much
That's how much


Thanks for the side-splitting laughter over the years - and the updates on life in North Dakota. You'll be sorely missed!


and who will take care of our language needs, Hanh, whilst thou are gone mr language person???

will somebody be maintaining the list of rock band names, too?


Thanks for the side-splitting laughter over the years - and the updates on life in North Dakota. You'll be sorely missed!


Ms. Nomer got quoted on NPR!!

Dave, I've never heard your voice til now. It's weird, like when you first see a DJ and you pictured them differently. I 'heard' you differently. Must be the blue shirt.

Now, for the weekly Adventures of Ray Adverb
previously heretofore known as Mr. Language Person
* cue cheesy organ music *
Announcer - On our last program, Ray Adverb was busy wrapping up his weekly syndicated column and reading his fabulously famous Blog. Sidekick "soon to be an exotic dancer" judi was finishing her last bon-bon box of the day.

Ray, stretching his back: Well, judi, I think I'll leave work for a while.
judi: Yeah, me too. See you in the morning, Ray?
* organ music stops suddenly*
Ray: Erm ... well, judi, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You see, I'm going to take some time off to be with my family ...
* organ music picks up, crescendos to forte *
judi: Oh, Ray, don't! Think of humanity! Think of the black-hole left by the lack of humor if you don't write something every single week of your ever livin' life!
* organ music backs off, turns sweet *
Ray: judi, I've got bigger things to tend to than humanity. Besides, we'll always have the Blog. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Announcer Tune in next year (hopefully).


Have bought the books, read the columns, quoted you to family and friends, have even left your books in the bathroom at work...

Thanks for giving me a bizarre and twisted world view that was more true than most other viewpoints around.

It's been a pleasure reading our generation's Mark Twain while he was alive,and not lacking material.

Dave, can I have your rubber chicken wearing underpants and the plaster casts of your teeth? Both of 'em? (Both sets of teeth I mean, not both teeth ...)

As someone who grew up reading you, thanks for all your work. My parents introduced me to you at a young age, and my best friend and I still reference Mr. Language Person, Wonderdog, and "Neener" regularly in conversation. I will miss you, but I wish you a wonderful year with your family.
Tiffany Fox

Perhaps one more Poetry.com collection? "Ode to Dave" by Bard Avery?


Now I'm depressed. I'm going to miss your weekly column, Dave. I hope your sabbatical is relaxing, enjoyable, and most of all, SHORT!

it seems obvious to me that Mr Barry is anticipating winning the presidential election. he's trying to throw us off this scent by suggesting he'll be back in a year, when he knows darn well that it will be either 4 or 8 years. Then again, maybe he knows that within a year he will be run out of office for calling other world leaders "booger"

considering the other two major candidates, I don't think it's unrealistic to think that a majority of the people in this country could write in "Dave Barry"

hee hee... someone mentioned the "emergency back-up dog." That was the phrase that originally hooked me on Dave Barry. It still makes me crack up laughing.

Dave did you ask us if it was okay with us? I don't think so. I have raised my kids on your columns and I must say they turned out okay in spite of it or because of it. To see the world through the eyes of Dave has been fun and really necessary. Enjoy the time off and stay off the shuffleboard courts. My son just came from school and he is sobbing uncontrollably at the news. Oh the world is too much with us! Enjoy the time off and hurry back to us.You are always welcome in the Ozarks you know. It is a pretty funny place!

"Stay off the shuffle board courts?"

I don't know about that. I once saw a shuffleboard game that involved jello, and I think Dave would have enjoyed it.

I'll miss you, Dave, and suck up with all the other fans on this page. (sniff)

I like judi.

No more Dave? I might as well go back to Germany, cause America just ain't worth it anymore.

I like sour patch kids.

We love you Dave. Just be happy!

You're taking a break from wriing 800 words a week? Then of course you're not taking up golf, playing golf would be far more work.

Thanks for the laughs. Best of luck to you and your family.

In addition to "What about Judi?" and "What about the blog?" I would like to add: "What about the guy who drove the dump truck full of money to your home each week (but who, thanks to royalties, will now be making only bi-weekly trips)? Did you even stop to think about him, Dave?

Dave, how could you? I feel like a bit of my soul has been devoured....

Good for you, Dave. You certainly need the rest. In your recent outings you've clearly lost a few miles per hour off the fastball and you're havin' trouble spottin' yer pitches, if y'all catch my drift. Maybe a short stretch on the DL, and that writin' arm'll heal up good.

Shouldn't it be:

I just read the article and, well, that was stupid.

Sheesh. Does this mean I'll have to start posting on my own blog? Criminy.

Maybe Noah Adams can fill in for Dave while during the coming interregnum.

(Couldn't resist. I mean, how often do you get to use the word "interregnum," anyway?)

I am heartbroken. Sundays will never be the same. And if the Simpsons are ever cancelled, then life just won't be worth living.

Recently in Springfield (motto: "Eat my shorts"), residents reported an outbreak of boogers. Perhaps you think there are no boogers in Springfield. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: "May the camels of a thousand sultans forever fertilize the gardens of your prosperity!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Jack, whose name can be rearranged to spell "JKAC", although that is not my main point.

"Jack", by the way, only has the letters "ack" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Springfield Mayor Patricia (formally "Mayor Patricia" and informally "Christobol"), boogers ranks as a major crisis just behind baseball, hot dogs and apple pie (insert your "spitting on the ground" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Springfield government employees:




Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Christobol, and that is: burn George Steinbrenner's golf clubs.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's golf clubs, although it might involve energizing the genitals Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "eating", and de grace, meaning "sushi". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

eat more sushi
use a small child as a plunger
But instead the Springfield city council (motto: "We'll protect us from political columnists when you pry the moatarita out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the boogers) will taste good soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "Jesus loves you, but I think you suck".
Speaking of which, "The Springfield Boogers Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.

Enjoy your hiatus. Don't let your wife catch you doing it though. I speak from experience. I used to have a hiatus, it was bobbetized for my protection.

I'll miss you Dave. What books am I going to get for Christmas now?

Well Dave,

This came as quite a surprise, but the good news is that you have your priorities in order.

If you have just a fraction of the happiness you've provided all these years, you will be a lucky man.

God bless . . .

"Good news honey! I just received a fraction of the happiness I provided all these years!"

"That's great, dear! Erm... how much is it?"

"Let's see. Carry the potato... equalize the dividend minus the remainder... 1/Booger, I think. You know I didn't major in math."

"Oh Dave honey, that's a pamphlet advertising back hair growth accelerators."

"So... it's not a fraction?"

"Beats me."

Bloggers - this is F5. Please stop striking me immediately or I will have to renew the restraining order.

Thank you.

Signed, F5

I've been a faithful reader of your columns and books since 1991. I'll miss my Monday morning jump-start, but I salute you for putting your family first.

It has been a pleasure reading your columns every week. Thank you. Though I think you are better known for your humor, it was the story about your mom that touched me the most.

From the day I read "The Vikings would descend on the English villages, Zippos flaring." (The history book) to the day I read "They can do that without me." I have laughed and grown up. Thank you Dave. You will be missed. And that would suck for a rock band name.

Thanks for the laughs, and the opportunity to unleash some of my dreadful poetry over at poetry.com. (That was hilarious).

Thanks for my family's favorite game..."That would make a good name for a rock band". Two good ones that we came up with are "Reversible Squirrel" and "The Vice-President's Gay Daughters".

Just thank you, Dave. Come back soon.


you're the funniest guy in the world.
we look up to you...
you make the world a better place.


Wow, this sucks. I found one of your books in a truck stop bathroom. I've been hooked since... on your books that is...

Well, good luck, write often, cause... you rock.

I found one of your books in a truck stop bathroom

Has the makings of a country western song

Back in '86 or '87, a friend of mine had one of those horrible, rotten, no-good days and wrote a letter to me describing it. When he finished the letter, he decided his situation was so pathetic that he mailed the letter to you instead of to me.

You actually wrote back to him a week or so later, sympathizing with his plight, and ending the letter with "Enclosed is a check for $27 million, unless the guys in the mailroom got to it first."

I knew then your humor was real and not something you had to force, and have been a fan ever since. You'll be missed.

*sobs quietly in a dark corner*

Don't feel old or anything, but I grew up on your material Dave.
The Herald will not be the same with out you.

The black void grows.

Oh yeah, my brain bounced back and I remembered my earlier lost post.

A friend e-mailed me when I told him the news about Dave and said that Dave & Ridley had signed to do 7 MORE kids' books. True, Dave? No wonder you won't have time to do the column; you'll be too busy counting your Disney money.

And worth every penny!

Oh yeah, my brain bounced back and I remembered my earlier lost post.

A friend e-mailed me when I told him the news about Dave and said that Dave & Ridley had signed to do 7 MORE kids' books. True, Dave? No wonder you won't have time to do the column; you'll be too busy counting your Disney money.

And worth every penny!

best dave, thanks for being such a funny sob.

sheez. i harken back to one of the first times i ever read Dave. i think it was the first time i read a newspaper column and laughed so hard i couldn't catch my breath. can't remember the direct quote but i do know it had to do with Cabbage Patch kids being deficient to the dolls of Dave's youth because they couldn't pee and could only sit around looking vaguely retarded.

for this i say a most heartfelt thank you...

As we say way, way down south; "Good on ya mate".
Thanks for the wonderful entertainment and the vocabulary (I have found so many apt uses for crapweasel).

As a fan from Aust-ra-li-a
I've read your prose from afar.
But I join all in this sadness,
Releasing you is plain madness!!
You'd be chained to your desk in Wee Waa

BTW, beware MKJ's bearing hobbies!!!!!!!

Well, done, Mr. Dave. No one's done more for the cause of truth in humor than you. I hope your break brings you a fraction of the joy you've given to so many of us, because the full measure would likely cause you to explode. Go on now, don't worry about us; we'll be fine. We're well stocked with semicolons to toss both hither and yon, sometimes to and fro, and maybe even willy nilly. My guess is that we'll all be here when you get back because I've never met a Dave Barry fan who was anything short of lifelong.

no one deserves it more

have fun, dave

Best of luck to you and your family, Dave. I sincerely hope this is not one of those "retirements to spend time with the family" that many famous people take who then end up spending more time doing something other than spending time with the family.

Can you say run on sentence?

Dog speed, my friend.

Thank goodness I still have the two postcards from you with your "real" autograph on them. And I'm glad to find this blog because I remember when you couldn't accept emails since there were too many to answer. I still have a book or so of yours left to read, and I ran across the column about your son's accident the other day. I don't know how anyone, even you, Dave, could write a column every single week for so long. (And most of them were very funny.) I think I still haven't finished the January 1 column from a recent year. Life happens, you know? I've been busy. But not as busy as you've been! Enjoy your time off. (Do you think Judi could handle Mr. Language Person?)

I am one of the people who "has been born, raised, and reached adulthood" since Dave Barry started writing, but I must say that the weekly columns have helped delay the onset of my adulthood as much as possible, they will be sorely missed.

I forgot to mention that I'm awfully glad Dave's
taking time out for his family. And shoot,
I'm hoping Judi's still around to do the
blog crap-she's an amazing blog-leader.

I will miss the columns immensely in the time
being. However, my biggest fear is that something
serious will happen and we won't have Dave there to
post one of his serious columns that seem to put
a finger directly on what it all boils down to. I
know why he doesn't write those often.

Oh, and back to the silliness-thanks to the
person who sent me a birthday e-card. It gave me
a huge smile and was the funniest card I got!

Well, best wishes Dave. I'll miss your column like nothing else, but if it means more madcap comic genius like Big Trouble, I'm all for it!

*sets monitor to fuzzy*
*starts wistful music playing in the background*
*image on screen starts to shimmer indicating flashback to earlier, happier, times*
*Image firms to a friend of mine cackling to himself at work*

“What are you reading?” I inquire.
“This American columnist, Dave Barry. He’s a hoot!”
“What’s the URL?” I ask, in those days being willing to brave pretty well anything at least once, even new humour columns.

*Image snaps back to today, a sad figure bent over a keyboard in a Government issue cubicle the size of a shoebox for a 2 year old. Wistful voice-over starts.*

“That brief experiment started a long period of adoration for this wonderful character. There are so many good memories….”

*Image starts to shimmer again*
*Whacks side of monitor*
*Image becomes clear again*
*Mutters: Bloody Government-issue crap!*

Dave, as has already said by others here, I’ll miss my Monday morning Dave-fix (that being when Australia is graced with the column), and, as at least one person has noted, Mondays will now go back to being the worst day of the week.

I have laughed and chortled each week over your work. You have a unique turn of phase that makes the story become vividly real before my eyes. I recall a column you did some time ago about cookouts on the 4th of July, and how this involves the manly art of adding flammable liquid to the rusty, spider infested BBQ, and the ensuing results when it is lit. I’m sure that anyone who is familiar with your work can imagine the way you described the events, but your genius was to bring the whole occasion to life for me by rewriting the words to national anthem including a line that is likely to stick in my mind forever”

“…with burning spiders in air…”

I can just SEE it happening. You need to work a clip of this into your Guide to Guys movie.

I wish I could remember the rest of the lyrics.

Before the Herald revamped its web-site and removed all the links to your earlier columns, I used to point to that story when referring a new reader to your column. Losing access to all those old stories was a tragedy. Had I known what was coming, I would have made copies of them all to show my grand-children. I would have, that is, except I'm not sure if any of my lazy no-account kids are ever going to get around to moving out and start producing some offspring.

Anyway, don’t worry about all of us (not that apparently you are in any event, which is good to hear because it would have been too pathetic), we’ll get by – particularly if you drop by now and then to let us know how things are getting on.

Best of luck for the future, and be sure to give Sophie an extra hug from all of us.


David P. (aka WYSIWYG)

P.S. If anyone has a copy of that 4th of July column, I’d dearly love to get a copy of it.

Let's see...Dave is taking an indefinite leave of absence starting in January. The presidential inauguration is in January. Coincidence? I think not!

Oh God, what am I gonna do? I can't face life without my weekly fix! I am a Dave addict. I admit it; I am powerless over Dave's columns! Must turn my life over to a higher power! Must make ammends to all I have wronged!



I respect you so much that I feel like I should call you Mr. Barry, but I have a feeling you wouldn't like that. We are all lucky to have had you around to make us laugh for this long. Thank you for being brilliant, and making sad days a little happier. Also, thank you for inspiring English majors like me to keep writing.

I promise never to sell your books on Ebay, no matter how much the price of them goes up in the next year (assuming tuition does not go up next year more than 75% or so).

Your family is very lucky to have you at home. I wish you the very best of luck, and all happiness.


I respect you so much that I feel like I should call you Mr. Barry, but I have a feeling you wouldn't like that. We are all lucky to have had you around to make us laugh for this long. Thank you for being brilliant, and making sad days a little happier. Also, thank you for inspiring English majors like me to keep writing.

I promise never to sell your books on Ebay, no matter how much the price of them goes up in the next year (assuming tuition does not go up next year more than 75% or so).

Your family is very lucky to have you at home. I wish you the very best of luck, and all happiness.

Dave, oh Dave, we hardly knew ye.

We'll miss ya, Dave.



A year ain't THAT long...



We love you Dave
Oh yes we do
We don't love any writer
As much as you
When you're not writing
We're blue
Oh, Dave ... We love you!


We love you ,Dave
Oh, yes we do ...

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