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October 20, 2004


But starting next year, I'm gonna be out of the paper for at least a while.

Update: To answer some questions in the comments: I do plan to keep the blog going on some random basis. As for judi: She will be working as an exotic dancer.

No, really, judi will keep doing her job. One of my goals is to find out what that is.


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I'll take 2, please, Lucy.

*Drinks both bottles*

Ungh. Now I feel worse.

*runs to bathroom, sees newspaper with Barry column, takes it with her*

Ahhh, much better.

Why would you wish to leave this pack of children unsupervised just to spend time with one child? C'mon, play a little while longer. You could have guest bloggers - several here could substitute a week or two for you - give you a break and then you could return. Right?

*mutters booger booger booger booger*

Dave, you and many of these bloglits are some of my favorites on the web. Best wishes for all. Let's make the best of the time we have - rearranging deck chairs and all.

waxwing - who's (not whose) going to fish all that patio furniture out of the swimming pool?

I'll miss your articles. Peter and the Starcatchers is great. My daughter Amber loves it!! Keep 'em coming! When does the leave take place? Immediately? You have to at least be around for the election, there will be too much juicy stuff to rag on!

I understand your desire for more relaxed time and to play with kids while they are small. Choose your projects wisely.

We all love you a lot.

This helps the terrorists.

My selfish side hopes that Dave won't be like me and decide after a year not to go back to work. We love your writing, Dave! My not-so-selfish side hopes that Dave gets to spend alot more time with his family. Ya gotta admit that after this year the guy deserves a break.

Just when I was thinking, "Gee, what a great retirement job Dave has. ... and he enjoys it." Gonna miss ya AND DO COME BACK. Hear?

MOTW, vitameetavegga who?

Since when did The Onion move to the herald.com domain?

*sigh* You do deserve it though, Dave. I was wondering to myself how your wife put up with your numerous absences this year. Oh that's right: she girded.

Sigh. We'll miss you, Dave. Will the syndicates at least run reruns until your return?

(Note positive thinking. He WILL be back. He MUST. This thought will sustain us until his triumphant return!)

And the blog will remain. It's an independent entity now. Nothing can stop it! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, I feel better now.

As someone who quit his job this year after far too long, I commend your decision, Dave, even if you seemed to me to have the best damned job in the world. Everything gets old after a while. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your kid, before she gets to that snotty teenager stage. Figure out what you really want to do. Take some mambo time. And stay in touch. CLINK!

As someone who quit his job this year after far too long, I commend your decision, Dave, even if you seemed to me to have the best damned job in the world. Everything gets old after a while. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your kid, before she gets to that snotty teenager stage. Figure out what you really want to do. Take some mambo time. And stay in touch. CLINK!

Lucy Ricardo said un-poop-ular. heh heh

Good for you. Making people laugh for 30 straight years is not easy (just ask my dad who continues to wear the same pair of oversized women's eyeglasses he got when he was 17). People come to take it for granted and it can become pressure-filled. Let somebody else make us crap our pants laughing for a while and come back energized. Love your stuff and will miss you tremendously, but really happy for you.

Cheers, Dave...and thanks for signing "Dave Barry Does Japan" to my buddies Roger and Debbie, lo those many years ago.

*goes home to re-read How to Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead.*

- Anne a/k/a Guin

Hey Dave, can I have your job?

Well, what can I say? On one hand, I am very sad that I won't get to read Dave's column every week. On the other hand, the guy has produced a rather large body of work over the past 20 someodd years.... I think I'd have wanted a break long before now.

I hope Dave enjoys his hiatus. And, hey, bloggers- we still have each other. Right?


Dear Dave, Long time reader, second time blog poster. Thank you. I've been reading your column for at least 20 years. I've read most of your books. You made beverages shoot out my nose on Sunday mornings more times than I care to count. You columns have been the source of some of the most ridiculous conversations I've ever had with friends. I will greatly miss my Sunday morning Dave fix, but want to say thank you for all the laughs. I'll never look at a booger again without thinking of you.



Big news like this sure does keep us on topic.

Has anyone heard from MKJ?

Dayum, again.


Thanks for the many years of insightful observations. No one can describe something ludicrous like you. Enjoy the break, get bored, and get your keister back here!


You'll be missed.


Say it ain't so!!! What does "random basis" mean?
Tell me this is just another cruel Internet rumor,
like Robin Williams paying all of Christopher Reeves' bills!

Have fun, Dave... you've earned it...

You are making the RIGHT decision...with a four year old at home you are making the ONLY good decision...

I only wish more people decided to prioritize life over career...

and, don't let all these crybabys lay a guilt trip on ya... they'll eventually find John Stewart and everything will be ok again.. :-)


I've posted a few times on this blog and I enjoy it so much. And it's all thanks to you, Dave. I've enjoyed your books and your columns for so long. Enjoy your haitus!!!


I forgot: My husband would like to know where Judi will be working!

Dave, sorry to hear you'll be "on hiatus" ... isn't that the term movie stars used for their breaks?

As for Judi, perhaps she could be hired to guard your office against looting.

Enjoy your time off and get back soon.

PS: Will the Herald print re-runs of "The Far Side" in your column space in your absence?

we'd all like to know where judi will be working.



A long, long time ago
I can still remember how first made me smile
and I knew if I had my way
I’d read that column every day
and it would make me happy for a while
but late October made me shiver
When my browser delivered,
bad news on my laptop,
It near made my heart stop
And my coworkers know I cried
And couldn’t stop although I tried
because something’s broken deep inside,
the day, the column, died. So...

Bye, bye great American Guy
Bought my Sunday Paper and I started to cry
My favorite column of all time said good-bye
So this must be the day that I die
this will be the day that I die

Have you read his book on love
And would you date my muppet glove
If Dave Barry told you to
Do you believe that froggy goo
Like a booger is good for you
And ‘Froggy Booger’ wbagnfarb too

Well he knows we’re all in love with him
'Cause those restraining orders were no whim
And now who will fill his shoes
Now that the whole world has the blues
We’re like a lonely teenage bronking buck
Watching our date leave in a pickup truck
In space they hear our shout of “F$#&”!
The day the column died
We’re all singing
Bye, bye great American Guy
Bought my Sunday Paper and I started to cry
My favorite column of all time said good-bye
So this must be the day that I die
this will be the day that I die

So how long will we be on our own
And tho it don’t help, mind if I bitch and moan
That this ain’t how it’s supposed to be
When the jester writes no matter how I’ve been
I get to laugh to hard I rupture my spleen
And his voice speaks right to you and me
But now the King is stepping down
With no one here to wear his crown
The booger gag has adjourned
No punchline was returned
While Barry writes another book on Pan
We’re keeping our chins up while we can
But we won’t last long without the man
The day the column died

We’re all singing
Bye, bye great American Guy
Bought my Sunday Paper and I started to cry
My favorite column of all time said good-bye
So this must be the day that I die
this will be the day that I die

Here we are all in one place
Across generations we share blog space
And wonder when Dave will start again
So come on Dave be nimble, Dave be quick
Come out of retirement before we’re sick
Ok maybe its too late for that, my friend.
But you know that this world’s your stage
And your fans will wait for another age
And all your books will sell
And we’ll all stay under your spell
So as we all stumble thru the night
Knowing you’re not wrong but it don’t feel right
We’ll drink a beer and hold eachother tight
the day the column died.

We're all singin'
Bye, bye great American Guy
Bought my Sunday Paper and I started to cry
My favorite column of all time said good-bye
So this must be the day that I die
this will be the day that I die

BoB ~ it isn't meant to be a guilt trip. It's (not its) and expression of sorrow and a confirmation of how much his humor has meant to so many over the years.
That said... Booger.


Have a wonderful sort-of-semi-retirement. You shall be missed.

Love, Mangoes, and Exploding Pop-Tarts...


Rachel - awesome poems, tragedy continues to fire great art!

I loved the bats who failed to show the "can do spirit you want in your night flying combat mammals". I loved the "women who would elect to save the baby, without even considering how many men were on base". I loved "Big Trouble". I loved it all: the squishy, the exploding, the bizarre, the gross, (or all of them if you read the stories about the dogs). And even though I knew Dave was a best selling author and possibly in every newspaper on earth at this point, I still felt he was "mine". That was just part of his genius.

Thanks Dave, for everything. I won't say 'goodbye', because soon you will hear about some guy cutting off his whanker or some snake infested community, and you just won't be able to help yourself. CLINK (with Love).

But I've only been a Dave fan for a few years....ack! What's a college student to do without her weekley humor fix?
That said- have a great break and give Sophie lots of hugs! (And remember to come back sometime....?)

*standing ovation for Christobol*

But now the King is stepping down
With no one here to wear his crown

I would say that C-bol would be in contention for the blog crown.

Dear God. I feel like my husband just left me. Just like with him, I can't imagine life without Dave.

...but only if it's (not its) on loan!!!!

C-bol, I've always had an emotional response to American Pie, but your (believe or not I first typed YOU'RE!) lyrics today, to that song really struck a chord in me. I actually did cry! And I was fine, really, not sad reading everything just fine, then bam. If I wasn't at work I would have blubbered! See, this is what I'm talking about...! You guys...

I would like to seize upon Waxwing's idea from earlier. How about some guest bloggers? One week with news of the weird with Amy Tan, one with Ridley, one with S. King, etc. All your literary compatriots can come occupy us for a while, since they have nothing better to do with their time, right?

We might even show them the MOAT.

On second thought, I don't think they'd be ready for that after just one week. I was a member of the first, and I'm still amazed sometimes.

Anyway, good luck with your time off. Spend it wisely.

(by wisely I mean that I would also like to second the idea of a previous poster, drink lots of beer, and set things on fire. To that, I would like to add, build a trebuchet and let's launch a Buick)

Ahh, Dave, Dave, Dave...what are we going to do without you?

I always thought my sense of humor was exceedingly odd. But then I found your columns, and not too long ago I found this blog. It was then I realized that my sense of humor IS very odd, but so is a lot of other people's too.

Anyway, enjoy your break/hiatus/retirement/etc. Enjoy your daughter. Enjoy life as much as you can in this messed up world.

And to my fellow bloglits, at least it was a great ride, wasn't it?

All my best,
Just Another Dave

*passes box of tissues to Peter*

jamester, Christolbol - fanning great art indeed.

Not that we, as great artists, need to SAY that our art is great ... we kin spel gud, also.


Christobol... great jaerb.

I'll miss you, Dave -- but GOOD CHOICE for you.

You kept me up till midnight last night, reading Boogers Are My Beat. And the same time the night before, laughing in bed at the Bad Songs book.

Love ya, buddy.

Wow, this is an intensity. Dave will be missed....

Does Andrew Rooney know about this?

Hey Dave, you might need a new hobby with all that free time you'll have . . .

Oh, poot. Well, to hell with maturity, I want you to feel guilty, Dave. I want you to wake up every Monday morning and feel the A-bomb-sized empty ache created by the millions of us who will habitually click on the dead link to your column only to be reminded there is one less reason to carry on living our drab, humorless lives. John Stewart isn't qualified to lick your boots.

Only one thing will mitigate any of this pain. You must promise to write more novels. K?

Selfishly sobbing,

So does this mean the campaign numbers are really strong? ARGGGGHHHHH! I'm happy for Dave and his family and friends, but am in the throes of personal agony (was that correct? AARRRGGGGHHHH - a long time until another "Mr. Language Person"!)

Do I really want to "Go to larger picture"?

Durn! Good for you, but Durn! anyway.

I've been a fan and daily blog lurker here since I first saw the exploding whale.

Well, maybe now, I'll get a little more done at work each day.


Thanks Sly.
"We’re all singing
Bye, bye great American Guy..."
Geat stuff!

5 Steps of Grief


ANGER --- "%$@^##& *Burns pop tart and toaster in efigy.*

BARGAINING --- Will you at least blog with us a bit?

DEPRESSION --- I just can't bring myself to read the Sunday paper anymore. First Far Side, now this.

ACCEPTANCE --- OK, after all the laughter he's given us, he deserves to kick back, drink beer, spend more time with his family and recharge his batteries.

In the meantime...

*pours Judi a moatarita, pulls up a banana chair for her to lounge in*

So, Judi, how are you?

Okay Dave, back to work or your dog gets it

Just going through all the posts - a belated "clink" of my glass as well (but, damn, you people are most likely 6-8 drinks ahead!)

I always loved those moments, reading one of your articles or books, dave when I'm skimming along and reach a spot where something outrageously crazy spouted out from the page, and I'm gone for 15 minutes at least. I always anticipated those moments, and you gave us so many of them!

I happily used part of my 15 minutes of fame when one of the items I sent you would be posted on the blog!

You could join a club . . .


You're still going to be viewing the world in the same wonderful, whacky, and uniquely funny way, and it is our profound loss that you won't be sharing your take on the world and life with us any longer.

To me, it's no wonder you're the only humor columnist that has ever been awarded the Pulitzer. The Pulitzer folks evidently understand what all of us do. That perhaps no literary gift has more value in the lives of others than the gift of bringing joy and laughter to those lives.

They don't say "laughter is the best medicine" for nuthin. And, ole Doc Barry will be sorely missed. Yes sir, you and your healing gifts surely will.


I came back, hoping that there would be a "Ha Ha, April Fools!" addendum to the announcement. [there wasn't] But at least so many are saying so well what we all feel.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

I think that Dave's taking of a sabbatical is a great idea, if by great idea you mean NO-WHAT-THE-HELL-AM-I-GONNA-DO-WITHOUT-DAVE-I'VE-BEEN-READING-HIM-NONSTOP-SINCE-1989-AND-WHO-CARES-IF-HE'S-TIRED-WHAT-ABOUT-ME-AND-MY-NEEDS?


Sorry. Come back rested and refreshed, Dave.

AutoDave to the rescue

[Puts on black armband of grief]

[Moves through first two steps of the grieving process quickly. Stuck on step three, as an instinctive 'problem fixer']

OK. We gotta think here. Maybe if Mad Scientist can isolate the "Blog Obsession" gene . . .

Lets see, Neophyte probably has the strongest current case of blog obsession. Neo, are you willing to cooperate with Mad to isolate the gene? Check.

OK. Ok. Now we need an excuse to gene splice into Dave's DNA the "blog obsession" tendencies. Hmmm. How long has it been since Dave has written on proctology? It should be about time again. Maybe Tina could infiltrate his local medical facility and call him for "the checkup?"

If all goes well, he will have plenty of time to tend to us as a full time Blogger/MOATie!

Slyeyes, is there a "SELFISH" step in the grieving process?

We'll all miss the column, but I take heart in this hint:

'Part of the reason for taking a year off is to find out if I just can't stand not being able to write,'

Maybe, just maybe . . .

Ooops! That puts me back at step one! Darn. They should call it the "spin cycle of grief."


I divorced a man who didn't "get" Dave in the Pulitzer days. My current mate reads Dave aloud to me in bed as foreplay.

And the brilliance of Dave begat this blog, sizzling with Bangi Gurl and coruscating Cristobal, the punk of Ms Brewster, divine DJ TonyB, and MKJ, and coconutted rita, and *everybody* who loves and admires and APPRECIATES him.

Dave, you've done way more than your (not you're) share and -- snakes alive! -- you deserve all the dad-fun and R&R you can get. But (bwaahhhhhhhhhhhh) we (I) will miss you! I suspect I've read everything you've published since 1985, and not getting a fresh weekly dose will be hard to live with.

Please enjoy your new life as much as we've enjoyed your work!! Many thanks for the boogers and insights.

Go, Dave! Family is the most important thing. And as I'm sure you well know, if you don't watch out, your kids will grow up instantly. So take the time you need.

As for me, I plan to continue living my life, and I will savor every piece of writing you decide to put in whenever that happens. Thanks for showing me that life can sometimes be really stupid (so, I didn't know this before I read your columns?).

Enjoy your family.

Deon, along those lines, if we help ourselves during this time and divide up the news items to be posted...we'll need volunteers to cover stories re the following:

*takes out clipboard and reads*

1) Florida drivers
2) Escaped snakes
3) Terrorist squirrels and rabbits
4) Cher farewell tour news
5) Barry Manilow and/or Neil Diamond
6) Toad-related news items
7) Home improvements
8) Barnyard animals
9) Ramparts *girds in anticipation of a rush of volunteers for that -- with Joshkr pushing to the front)
10) *which reminds me* Hunking and girding

I know I've left something out.


Being 21st century Americans, we seek to quickly affix blame for tragedy such as this. I think it was either too many urinal snakes or something John Cleese said.

Buena fortuna (not the fish).

exploding toilets

I'll take #5!

This is likely to be the last season of Star Trek: Enterprise. Reruns of Mystery Science Theater 3000 recently went off the air forever. And now this.

But after the millions of laughs Dave has provided, I wish him only the best. Dave's columns more than any other source have taught me how to find the amusement in any situation and how to get As on college essays without actually having content (answer: jokes in the footnotes). I've been laughing at Dave Barry's columns and books since I was but knee-high to a grasshopper; it'll be a different world not having the new column to look forward to, but with all that's there already, I'm sure we'll all make it through this.

Thanks, Dave, for providing me with all the laughs and pick-me-ups. Having some of my "me hearties" phrases and a thought on urinal-pennies posted on the main blog made me feel about like I was the cleverest sumbitch in town. Dave and only Dave has been exactly what I needed every time I've needed it.

*slaps golfwidow with a wet noodle for stretching the margins for mozilla users*

Dave: LONG time reader, short time blogger. Relax, enjoy and overindulge. Your humor is singular in your ability to write in the most juvenile way, yet bring across very important views. Recharge those batteries and come back some time this decade with aplomb. Sela...

*psst, Peter, you know you said that out loud*

Oh my gosh. This is sad news. The world needs more Dave Barry, not less.

That said, best wishes for you. Enjoy your time away.

Algona(sp) and record sized snacks!

sleyes -
* Hurricanes
* Beer
* Olympics Updates (but he'll be back columnizing before the next one!)
* Barry-related blue shirt sightings
* Sewage lift stations named in honor of Pulitzer Price-winning columnists (we probably won't need a whole lot of volunteers for this one)
* Strangely named rugby players

Wow, you spend the morning looking for purses on e-bay and look what happens!
Dave, if you can't tell, you will be sorely missed by all of us. Of course, since you won't be working you'll have time to answer all of our wishes here, right?
Good Luck with your future! We love you....

Thanks for everything, Dave. You rock.


Jennifer Sharp

you know, mahatma - dave doesnt have to retire. just use that autodave feature.... right?

I've been reading your column for about 4 years now and have always looked forward to seeing the link in my email every Monday.

Thanks for making a whole lot of crummy Mondays a little brighter.

Enjoy your break. You've earned it.

* urinal pennies
* language gaffes (for example, what an intensity
* spelling gaffes (for example, great artist Maria Alquilar)

Leetie is right, and I hang my head in shame.

In my own defense, however, at least I had the presence of mind to hyphenate so that if you're (not your) using a browser other than Mozilla, it doesn't stretch out.

Imagine, having that much presence of mind when I'm this depressed. I feel like Dave is breaking up with me.

* flora transplants


"To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today."

I admire your commitment to family.

Good for you!

An Appeal to a Goddess

"Try to live without Dave Barry?"
Who's made us bloggers all so merry
We all join hands and start to cry
Or else sit numbly and ponder "Why?"
...Like a sundae, without the cherry...

So reassure us Judi, and be a luv
Our Blog-goddess, our white dove,
Will we still get our daily fix
Of all the usual stoopid human tricks
Sent from you, as from above?

slyeyes: anybody got dibbies on ebay auctions yet?

Dave, this makes me sad.

Okay, I guess you've earned some time off, what with having written a column for like 688 consecutive years, dating back all the way to when there was only black-and-white photography, but if you're not going to be providing us fans with our necessary weekly dose of humor, I think I speak on behalf of every one of us when I say that we want to know EXACTLY what your schedule will be like in your "absence," so that we can remain informed about Our Best Friend, Dave Barry--in detail, down to the SECOND--what time you wake up, what time you eat breakfast, what time Zippy makes his third weewee on the linoleum, and so forth.

Oh, and--if you don't mind--in color, please. Thank you.

Well, crap.

You could have just sent me a sweater on for my birthday today, Dave. Jeez. :)

MKJ, Do you even have to ask? You ARE ebay.

Maybe it's not Dave. Maybe the evil Windows XP Service Pack 2 has taken over his computer and issued this nefarious press release.
One can hope, can't one?

Well, on the bright side, I can finally stop fighting to keep the insidious registration goons at the Herald from learning my secret identity every time I want to read a damn column.

Wednesday is gloomy, the hours are slumberless
Dave's retreating shadow hides only our numbness
Toasting (clink) and posting will never awaken you
Not where the call of rest and family has taken you
Michelle, I'm sure has no thought of returning you
Would she be angry if we came there and hung out with you

Gloomy Wednesday

Gloomy Wednesday, with shadows I spend it all
The Bloglitts and I will have to withstand the fall
Soon there'll be prayers and candles are lit, I know
But we will not weep, because you deserve this so

Gloomy Wednesday

I was only dreaming
I go to the blog and I find you are still there!
I hope that my dream hasn't haunted you
We are all telling you how much we value you
Even thought we know the dream is real.... on

Gloomy Wednesday

Nah. The guy's burned out. He was losing it. How many times can you read the same phrases over and over again? Then that same ending where the last sentence repeats a phrase from the beginning? Maybe a year off will give the poor guy a chance to revamp his style, huh?

Thank you! Thank you for taking the time to tour and let your (not you're) fans get to meet you. Everytime I saw you you rocked the house and spent time making sure every fan got a picture and autograph. You are an amazing writer and an even greater human being. You care about this world. Thanks for all you have done. Enjoy your time off. But please come back soon.

Aprille (AKA Mad Scientist)


(Direct my previous comment toward Yasir Arafat, obviously.)

(Direct my previous comment toward Yasir Arafat, obviously.)

Blastphemer!! "doesn't look right?" SPELLCHECK PLEASE

Disregard my previous comment.

You only get to lynch me if I post five consecutive comments. What does the meat slicer do?

Thanks Doug. I see my mistake now. If only I could type faster I would not feel like the idiot I obviously am. The damn boldface takes too much time and concentration .

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