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October 20, 2004


Sometimes, it involves important things like blogging that Mr. Barry will be doing this at 3:40 this afternoon. (Other times, it's pretty much eating bonbons.) Check your local listings.


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first! maybe

first! maybe


If you get bored, you can always be the captain at the helm of the NeverMOAT.

Or sit around drinking. That's the way most of us handle it.

Oooh, can I have a bonbon?



Oh MAN! Dave and NPR! Two of my favorite things!

i like creme filled bonbons, please.

How does it feel to retire at 57 and eat up everyone else's SS benis? Couldn't you at least consider a year of public service, like baggage-checker at JFK? Are you just lazy? Or both?
Good luck, deserter.

Time for the Canarble Wagon... who wants a drink? *mixes self a G&T*

decisions, decision.....NLCS starts at 3...oh, the NPR thing is probably 3:40 ET......That works!

And, speaking of work.....

And, Judi, we love ya...hang with us sometime!!

*munch* Thanks for sharing the bon-bon, judi.
Want some chocolate truffles? I've got some extra for you.

This calls for GODIVAS!!

*unlocks drawer marked "For Emergencies Only"*

Bonbons are much better than work. If you have choice, do them instead.

Don't eat too many of those bon bons, Judi ... you wouldn't want to ruin your "soon to be an exotic dancer" figure.

I'll be happy to take those off your hands. :)

Judi, you might mention to Dave that getting people to shop 4 U can save a busy person a lot of time

Rita has left the door wide open for a Jimmy Swaggart joke. Takers?

Checked my local listings; no bonbons. Dammit.

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet."

- Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

"soon to be an exotic dancer" figure. That's great, Punky.

Bartender: You sure you want another shot? That's.... like twenty.

Judi: Is this Sesame Street or a bar? If I want you to count stuff I'll... uh... yeah.

Bartender: What are you celebrating, anyways?

Judi: You can count ... uh. Dammit.
Who's celebrating? My boss, the secret leader of the free world, or at least that portion of it that has a sense of humor, has just decided to take some time off.

Bartender: Why?

Judi: He installed XP Service Pack 2.

Bartender: Well, I'd quit too. What will you do?

Judi: No worries here. I'm "soon to be an exotic dancer."

Bartender: I thought so. You've got that "soon to be an exotic dancer" type of body.


Judi: Why don't you count how many of your teeth I just knocked out.

Bartender: You just punched Cher.

Judi: Cool. Farewell, Cher.

So, Jimmy Swaggart was bashing John Kerry with a dead hampster...

Exotic dancer! Cool! Where?

OK I don't know if this has been posted anywhere (I took a cursory look around but didn't find it), so I'll take the liberty of asking the question here.
Is Dave no longer writing columns? I saw on the news today that he would be taking an "indefinite break." YIKES! I'm guessing that the movie is occupying much of his time. I hope Dave realizes how important his columns are to us and how missed they will be. Ok, enough of my rambling.


This gizmo has to be useful for something

I'd like to thank Punky and reneviht for the Swaggart jokes.

*Clink* to Judi, as well. A trouper, indeed.

Dateline January

The Bureau of Statistics You Can't Doublecheck announced today that American worker productivity increased 1.7 gazillion hectares per uvula in the first two weeks of January, 2005.

This is the largest single increase since the legalization of forced caffiene consumption for middle income workers with vowels in thier names in '82.

President Maria Alquilar credits her new Ekkonomix Programes, which she claims "dramatically synthesized the subtersion frequency tintinabulation." Alquilar won a controversial election in November when the entire nation, except Ms. Alquilar, forgot to vote, and she wrote herself in as a candidate from Florida, where new election rules require that even stupid votes be counted several times.

Although she misspelled her name on the ballot, the Supreme Court upheld her election in a seven word decision, four of which were "booger". A dissenting opinion calling the Justices "haytefool rasistes" was submitted by Ms. Alquilar as a "friend of the court", as she did not understand that she had won.

Harvard economist Winky "Jack" Eelcrotch hypothesized that the jump in per human unit output could be attributed to the lack of Dave Barry columns to read on Mondays, and data seems to support this assertion, as Monday net-adjusted-pre-tax goat sphincter figures alone accounted for the entire GNP of frog goo in Mongolia.

A poll of likely pig fondlers found that 27%.

But at time of press the margin of error was obsequious.

Come on, come on, tell me. I haven't been around here much recently but I'm a loyal Barry fan!

There is another swingers convention coming up Is The Dave interested. The last one was a blast

JCT, honey ... read the thread prior to this one.

Years ago, I inadvertantly turned on the TV. Right in my face was this TV evangelist by the name of Jimmy Swaggert shouting, crying, and pacing back and forth on the stage proclaiming that the greatest sin in the world was dancing,(he said that it was next to fornicating.) So I went right out and joined "Jazzercise." Then I pulled my back out of "whack." But later, to my amazement, this self-ordained evangelist was caught in Louisana with his "Dockers" down and his "pitard,"--not on guard! Since then, I have been very careful when I change channels.

Wow. I hang my head in shame. That "cursory glance" I mentioned didn't quite cut it.
Thanks, guys.

Wow. I hang my head in shame. That "cursory glance" I mentioned didn't quite cut it.
Thanks, guys. This is what I get for staying up half the night watching baseball for the past few days.

Christobol: "A". The only reason you don't get the "plus" is that I think you could have worked two-headed snakes into it, but what the hell do I know. Baseballs on, sela.

Christobol... you are a RIOT! Why do you make me laugh so? Stop fooling with my emotions. I guess that would make you an emotion fondler. Not as fun as a pig fondler, mind you.


I have learned to put down anything liquid when I see it is one of your posts, but this time all I had was about 2/3rds of a giant jawbreaker I was thoughfully sucking on [insert dirty jokes here - oh wait, no one needed to be told to do that]. Anyway, I nearly whooped the thing down my throat when I started to laugh. Fatally funny in several states of matter, you are.

I do love Dave's columns, and re-reading old ones will suffice, but I am addicted to this blog and you funny funny people. I CANNOT live w/o the blog. Please do not secretly join another blog without telling me. I'll blurk if you don't want to hear from me.

Please, please, please.


I wondered when we'd hear from you.

Don't leave us! I've grown up reading your stuff! What am I going to teach my children?!? Are you at least going to make public appearances? Come to the midwest and you can stay at our new house! We have a pull-out! Bring the family! Sophie can play with my dog!

So yall had no idea that we invited Dave to his own humor intervention and will be spending the next year and a half in Idaho, digging for forgotten russetts, really trying to fly fish, and over comming anorexia. Oh wait..that's MaryKate. Dave will be learning the 12 step program for humor sobriety.


So glad you are here to share this moment with us.

Polly! Nice to see the results of you typing into the comments section of this blog entry! (that was smooth).

How 'bout if I emotionally fondle your pig, or fondle your emotional pig, or love you a beer?

Hey Dave,

Some people have trouble quitting things "cold turkey" (this is a term for substituting a cold turkey in your pants for whatever it is you would prefer, the people who have the MOST trouble with this are those addicted to cold turkey in their pants, who have to try and quit "hot soup" - poor souls).

You may wish to ween yourself. For example, in the next column, you could just, I don't know, not use adverbs. That's an easy start. Then eliminate adjectives, participles, gerunds, future-perfect tenses of prepositional phrases, and finally, vowels.

Hp ths hlps.

Taking time off to be with your family is admirable, but you'd (not youd) better not be like those other movie stars who dump their wives for their co-stars. If we hear you have taken off with John Cleese, you are in serious trouble!! (you looked pretty cozy in those last photos). We expect some really great blogging for the next two months to tide us over for a whole year.

BTW, Dave (and all the rest of you-especially C-bol), thanks for all the snickers, snorts, and spews. My monitor will never be the same (even though I cleaned it really gud)

Excellent news, wish you the best in your retirement. Go Red Sox!

Sorry...got busy. I LOVE you guys! I feel so warm and fuzzy floating in this sea of blog fondling.

Retirement? Did Dave say he was "retiring"? He said he was taking a "break." Right...right? Don't freak me out here; I'm already a mess. You can blame part of that on being a Red Sox faithful. It takes it's toll on you, but hopefully it will be worth it tonight!

Retirement? Did Dave say he was "retiring"? He said he was taking a "break." Right...right? Don't freak me out here; I'm already a mess. You can blame part of that on being a Red Sox faithful. It takes its toll on you, but hopefully it will be worth it tonight!

Bloody hell? Dave is retiring? He's not 64!!! Damn.

I'm going to go cry somewhere. All of my fuzzy love floating is no more.

"I'll have the Warm and Fuzzy Float in the Sea of Blog Fondling please."

"Sure. What size?"

"Erm... Venti?"

Hee hee. With a suckling pig on top. Ummm...fondling...something.

"Waiter! I ordered a suckling pig on top!"


"This is no suckling pig!"

"Is so, I suckled it myself."

"That's...oh. I think I'm going to vomit."

"Go ahead, I sure did."

That does it! Christobal becomes Blogmeister. Judi stealth blogs when she has time off from ecdysiasm and Dave checks in whenever the Muse strikes

FYI: In my experience, suckling and fondling pigs (or other four-legged creatures) will keep you from holding a security clearance with the US government. Just think about that next time you look longingly on your livestock.

C-bol: Do these wires have to be attached there?

SpyMan: Not really. Now answer our question, and be honest, or else the rubber-chicken-bobulator will squawk your sins for all of humanity to mock!

C-bol: Really?

SpyMan: Just answer the question: Did you suckle a fondled pig, with or without a warm and fuzzy float?

C-bol: I thought the question was concerning fondling suckled pigs with a venti sea of blog?

SpyMan: Fine then. Answer that.

C-bol: Answer what?

SpyMan: Did you... erm.. that second thing?

C-bol: Peninsula! No wait, Booger!

SpyMan: AHA!

C-bol: What?

SpyMan: I just found my car keys!

C-bol: Great. Do I get clearance?

SpyMan: Oh... alright.

C-bol: Super - could you just pin my badge to my suckled pig over there?

Hee hee. I just finished watching Coal Miner's Daughter. Now there's a classic. Doolittle. That's a good name for a kid. Or a foundling fondling suckling pig.

There goe my Sunday Mornings. Shot to hell!
The best to you and yours.
You Will be missed.

I'm going to name my genitalia after you.

THAT'S how much I'll miss you.

You're (not your) going to really confuse some guy when you ask him if he wants to visit "Dave Barry"!


I'll just tell him I'd like to introduce him to Dave.

Won't he be surprised.

Quite likely!
*blushes and heads for the door*

I'm new to blogging but want to say that Judi's job is "research department" if I remember correctly.

Attention; MKJ
Dear Sir or Madam,
You asked "What does the Bayak Flux Capacitor, Temporal Flux Generator do"?
The answer is as follows;
Bayak Flux Capacitor, Temporal Flux Generator..$169.01
Shipping & handling..$17.00
Batteries, say..$1.52
Mental health professional fees, say $8,974.033.01
Pharmaceuticals, say.. $3,334,946.57

Summary, it reduces your bank balance by $12,309,167.10

candy is dandy but liquor is quicker

Sitting around drinking?
Sure, we all do it.
But only here cane we do it from the privacy of our own home.

Thank you.

OH MY GOD (Plz pardon caps.)
No more Dave?
I'm gonna die.
What's gonna happen to the blog?
I'm scared.
help me...


Polly, we missed you. Were your ears burning last weekend? We talked about you in Vegas (but not to Dave).

oh, and i'm with polly

I'm going to name my genetals Dave.

I've gone and named my right breast Dave and my left Barry ... seeing as one reads from left to right ...

So, just to be clear, does this mean that Punky's breasts and Polly's genitalia are going on hiatus for a year starting in January?

This has been a heck of a day for news.

I regret to say that my breasts have been on hiatus for the last year ... I'm thinking of taking them out of retirement and putting 'em back in the game ... maybe I'd be better off naming them Deion and Sanders??

Woah chris. Lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My genitals are taking no vacation.
I doubt the girls will either.
I PRAY the girls won't either.

Thank you.

Hey, Psycho, I tried e-mailing but apparently you're in disguise. I saw in an earlier thread that you're somewhere in FL, if you're close to Miami and interested in the Herald Hunt on Nov 7th, e-mail me!

Just read that when Dave goes on hiatus, he's changing his name to "My Genitals"

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