HUNTERS

Ya gotta love 'em.

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

Comments

[Brad]

If he really wants to make money, he'll start a rumor about these things akin to the Altoids Urban Legend.

[Brainy Jello]

They need to invent 'Dumb-o-flage' to hide stupidity. I guess it would have the scent of a textbook or something.

[MOTW]

Gum-o-flage. For people who don't like to stink.

[waxwing]

They could just not eat onions, smoke, or drink, but then why bother hunting in the first place? What I want to know is, will it fool a Breathalyzer?

[MOTW]

Guest: *sniff* Mmm! Such a clean, fresh scent. You must have slaved to get your house this clean. Is that power of Pine-Sol?

Host: No, I just bought Gum-o-flage for the entire family. Really gets rid of those tough family odors: rank teenager, sweat socks, doggie odors.

[mudstuffin]

What about flatulence?

[Slartibartfast Mark II]

I bet it could fool ye ol' breathalyzer, but the cop might be a little suspicious anyway if you're dragging the deer behind you with only a rope tied around its (not 'itisi'si) waist. And it would probably be a little odd if it smelled (to the cop) like you'd been eating pine needles.

[MOTW]

* sorry for my bold comment *

mudstuffin, I knew you'd be the one to bring that subject up. I rather think the gum is for the northern orifice and not the southern orifice. Otherwise, you might have bubbles coming out your bum. (bubblebum?)

[Zaphod]

Wouldn't it be more economical just to chew on one of those pine tree-shaped car air fresheners?

[Brad]

Right on Zaphod, and for the flatulence problem, just shove a pine cone up yer @$$.

[Mr.Fisher]

I think Christobol said that shoving a pine cone up your @$$ would also help you quit smoking.

Or maybe that was a porcupine.

Anyway, I'm not sure what you shove in your bum to help quit drinking, or eating onions, But Cbol might know.

He's really good with up @$$ shoving type questions.

Expert?

Maybe.

[Higgy]

Mudstuffin - for flatulence, you need their other product..

Bum-O-flage...

[Federal Duck]

We interupt your regularly scheduled program for this important commercial announcement:

Cletus: *up a tree, covered in deer urine, surrounded with military-grade camo, no hunter orange, armed with a .50 caliber sniper rifle with infrared scope, loaded with nerve-relaxers to steady his hands, rifle vice-clamped to a tree branch, laser beam aimed at a salt-lick 400 yards away*

Deer: *incredulous* If they think I'm falling for the 400-yard salt lick trick again, they're dumber than they smell. *moseys off to sniff grass, or whatever the hell deer do*

Buford: Dammit Cletus! I done tole yew not ta be eatin' them danged-ol beer battered onion sandwiches afore we go huntin'!

Cletus: Ah cain't hep it, Buford. Them deers smartern' they look. We need ta git us some kinda equipment ta even the playin' field. Like somma that there purty-smellin' gum, like they advertised on the talkin' picture box.

Announcer: Pine flavored chewing gum! For the shallow end of the gene pool.

[MOTW]

LOL, Fed Duck!

[Lairbo]

I got some of their "Gummo-flage" and now my breath smells just like the forgotten Marx Brother.

[ducks, not federally]

[brat]

Mr. F - Cbol with get you for that. I wanna watch.

Fed..Thundurous applause!

[neophyte]

LOL Federal Duck! Just be glad this is for deer hunters. I wonder what kind of gum they'll come up with for Duck hunters?

[Mr.Fisher]

Brat- I'm waiting with baited breath.

;)

Nice job with story btw.

[MOTW]

For stinky breath, hunters use Gum-o-flage
To mask their consumption at Ye Old Lodge.
But if smells chance to come
From the hunter’s rank bum,
He had better stuff up there some Bum-o-flage.

[SteveB]

All that firepower, odor-prevention stuff and hours spent in a tree in the wintertime can't top my old 69 Chevelle. I got me a 9 point buck with that bad boy!

Furthermore, it just goes to prove that deer aren't the brightest rodents in the woods. I had a balding tire that sounded like a jet engine ready to take off when I got that old car up to around 40. And to top it off, the car was bright yellow with a black convertible top that had a holes in it so it made a flapping sound! I can't figure out why that deer didn't see me or hear me coming....

I really miss that car.

[Drizzt Do'urdan]

Sad isn't it? However, I know many people who would pay 5 bucks a pack. In rural parts of PA Schools give the first day of hunting season off because they know that no children will come to school.

[slyeyes]

So let me make sure I understand this......hard core deer hunters dress in camo, drench themselves in deer urine, hid in blinds in fricking cold weather and chew expensive gum that tastes like a pine tree.

The deer have GOT to be laughing their asses off.

[slyeyes]

My daughter goes to university in Kentucky. The first class, they were given the expectations and were told that for ANY absences, a doctor's note was required. Even if it was for a headache, they were expected to go to the infirmary and bring a note.

A guy asked the question: Can we miss class for deer season?

Answer: Oh, deer season, sure.

[Blue Meanie the Usurper]

*Group of deer about to enter woods to forage*

Buck: Come on, everyone, looks like a huge patch of berries just over there on the right.

Doe (not doh!): But what if those goofy hunters are around again?

Buck: No problem, remember? That beer-battered-onion-flavored gum we're chewing will have those losers looking right past us all day!

Doe: Of course... I forgot. Hey, look! I think that's them over there....they're wrestling with that tree!

Tree in distance: C'mon, you sweet-smellin' thangs...you got my sap boiling over! Let me get another pinch on that bum....

Buford: Hey, get that branch outta my.....WHOA! Say, er, Cletus, why doncha come back in a little while?.....

[Blogchik]

Someone with more time on their hands than me should link to the Cabela catalog. They have TONS of stuff like that.

Even with all that hightech stuff, hunters fail to catch deer.

My friend from church calls deer hunting "a nice hike with a gun." I don't think he catches much.

Fed: LOL! *clap clap*

[insomniac]

add West Virginia to the list of states where public schools close in some counties for deer season opening.
But 'Deliverance' didn't take place here. That was Georgia.
And for the next few months, we've got Martha !

[Leetie]

*claps for Fed*

Say, isn't it Duck season?

[pogo]

Gratuitous game management info: In this area we have more deer than the habitat can support. Development has taken the habitat and the predators were either killed off of run off long ago. One result is half starved deer are moving to find food, getting in roads and being killed or maimed, along with colateral loss of human life in some cases.

We either have to thin the herd or start offing people.

I have a small list of candidates.

[huntin' fool (or just a fool huntin'?)]

Even with all that hightech stuff, hunters fail to catch deer.
==

is there a season for catching deer?

if there is, I really need to know, so I can plan my vacation around it.

*adrenaline begins to surge while looking for big deer net*

[insert name here]

I have a small list of candidates.

does it include liberals and democrats?

[Jeff Meyerson]

But how come no one mentioned that Gum-o-Flage wbagnfarb. But, then, so would Dr. Skippy.

But then, silly me, instead of sending this story in I sent in a few that were a bit more interesting, I thought. For instance, there was the Georgia teacher who bashed a mom with a chair in front of her class.

Or the guys trying to smuggle poison dart frogs -- which would also bagnfarb -- into Belgium.

Or the Romanian couple with a strange idea of what to name their baby.

But I guess Judi didn't think they were newsworthy. Bummer.

[Pbbbbbt!]

lib·er·al adj.

1. Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.
2. Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.

dem·o·crat n.

1. An advocate of democracy.

[MOTW]

's okay, Jeff. You can send that Romanian husband a Florida driver's license anyway.

[pogo]

Insert Here, there are a number of politicians on my list, but I am an equal opportunity suggestor and you will find morons who allege to be of many political persuasions, but all of whom I find to be ignorant of facts and dismal in prospect.

[Federal Duck]

Right at this very second, my musically-challenged manager is blaring Gloria across our office intercom in celebration of something or other.
I think it's in preperation for the RBR concert.

[jamester]

I'm agin this stuff.
I'm agin anythin that'll make beer drinkin' rifle toters less obvious to others, esp unarmed others.

Pogo - how come no helicopter rides for deer? Or is that restricted to carnivores? Come to think of it, all I ever see on National Geographic Channel is heli rides for bears, mountain lions, wolves, etc. Blatant discrimination...

[kat alias tak]

According to the Kerrville Dailey Newspaper this morning, violent crimes are down, but murder is up! Murder isn't counted in the number of violent crimes because it was committed by guns, mostly,-- according to the Present Administration. So all you "deers" out there are now free to just do it!!! (ha!ha!hee!heee!)

[Peri]

Brat- I'm waiting with baited (sic) breath.

Mr Fisher, just take that bait out of your mouth and you won't need the pine gum.

[Daffy]

Wabbit season!

[backatcha]

Main Entry: liberal
Function: noun
of, or relating to, one of these

[pogo]

Jamester - In GA I don't think they give chopper rides to wildlife, unless maybe an occasional bear. 'Member the only critters that usually get rides are the ones that directly threaten humans. They save the choppers for politicians, traffic reporters, and the Air Cav.

[waterboy]

Real hunters insert their bullets manually.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Right at this very second, my musically-challenged manager is blaring Gloria across our office intercom in celebration of something or other.

Fed: could it be Gloria Estefan's impending retirement? Let us know if he starts playing Cher.

[queensbee]

Wabbit season...

[Jeff Meyerson]

Hi Bangi, and thanks for the hug!

[Mr.Fisher]

In case the wind blows
Bubba chews Pine fragrant gum
What if he breaks it?

A Hunting Haiku

[SchadeBoy]

Jeff - Okay, I'd say it's time for that teacher to retire.

Fed - Very good. I like the character names, too. Amazing how in just a few lines you managed a very large amount of character development.

On topic, I'm just wondering...PINE flavored gum?

[guesswho]

I'd like to answer that by asking you this? "First of all, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Second of all, He talks tough, but He couldn't whip my grandmother and she's dead?" "I think she's dead, but I may be a really smart person who changes his mind a lot?" "Actually, I'm and Indian Giver?"

[pogo]

Pine flavored gum - taste would depend upon what part of the tree. Remember ol' Euell Gibbons who liked pine nuts. (That's telling my age.) A shaved twig would be OK. Bark would suck big time.

[Federal Duck]

Tina, every time I think I'm about to accidentally get some sort of actual constructive work done, you wander in here with a cute little outfit and your cute little smiggle and do your adorable goofy dance and provoke me to come up with new and improved double entendres and less-than-well-disguised innuendos and just generally shooting my productivity all to hell. It's freaking great!

So, if we're wearing camo outfits together, does that mean nobody can see us? And how much do you like nature? *perv grin*

[punky brewster]

Pine, eh? You know, I always thought gin tasted exactly like pine trees ... so that must mean that gum-o-flage tastes like gin, no? And if so ... does it get ya drunk? Now that would be a good time ... decked out in camo ... smelling like deer pee ... chewin' on some pine and gettin' a buzz.

Hold me back, baby ... where do I sign up?!

[pogo]

Tina! Did you have to ask about the words to Gloria?

"Ya know she come around
About midnight
'Bout five foot four
From her head to the ground"

"And her name is G...L...O...R...I YI YI YI...Ayyyy"

Make 'em stop! MAKE EM STOP!!

[pogo]

Punky - I always though gin tasted like cheap perfume. (I have been known to find cheap perfume acceptable on occasion, but not for imbibing.)

[Federal Duck]

Fed: So, Punky. I had a great time at the monster truck rally and goat wrangler hay ride tonight. What do you say we head back to my place?

Punky: I've heard stories about you. Always charming the ladies with your Copenhagen aroma gettin' us half-snockered with your fancified moonshine. I'm going home!

Fed: Sure thing suger-shnookums. Here, have some gum.

[MeganBNL]

Hiding in a pack of overly-powerful prehistoric babies? Gotta have (say it with me)...Bamm-Bammoflage.

[pogo]

Uh, thank ya ma'am?

[punky brewster]

Punky: Fed ... I said I'm going ho -- hey! This gum ain't half bad. Can I get me some more?

Fed: Sure! Here have another piece.
*sprizes cheap perfume on Punky when she turns her back to pick hay from backside*

Punky: Hey! Whadya go and do that for? It smells like gin flavored deer pee.

Fed: Heck yeah! Ain't it purdy?

Punky: *sniff* Sure is! Hey baby, let's go deer huntin'.

*Punky and Fed stroll out of the coliseum as Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman" plays in the background*

I love a happy ending.

[Mr.Fisher]

How about WhamBamThankYouMam-O-Flage?

Nah, Not so much.

[pogo]

"Woooo hooo
Git out my heart, shit kickin' redneck woman
Take your boots and waltz out of my life.
"Woooo hooo
Git out my heart, shit kickin' redneck woman
I cain't be no cowgirl paradise."
- Lovett

[punky brewster]

Pogo ... does Lovett mean to imply that his heart is made of sh*t? Or is he angry that she didn't bother to change her shoes before she took up residence in his heart and therefore should "git out"? And if he won't be our cowgirl paradise, does that mean we have to go back to drinkin' at Billy Ray's Tavern, like before?

I'm so confused.

[reneviht]

Thanks, djtonyb. We're doing an unusually good job staying on topic.Is everybody feeling well?

[pogo]

Punkster that song is the lament of a "travelin' man" who meets a "pretty little thang in a cowboy bar" and wakes up 10 years later where "she cooks the food and he tries to pay the rent" and lies to himself about how he'll never settle down.

I've heard that can happen.

[Federal Duck]

Good afternoon, L's and G's,

I'm off to take my underworked overpaid intern Snipe hunting. (If you know what I'm talking about, you're a redneck. If you don't, I'll take you Snipe hunting someday).

*rides off into the gin-drenched sunset with Punky-Jo Lurleene McCoy*

[waterboy]

Get your snipe gear by clicking my name, bloglits!

[PeeJay]

You mean it's(not its) just like pine gum only sprucier?

[pogo]

Snipe is best when wrapped in bacon and grilled slowly. Catch drippings in a pan and make a white gravy with them. Serve with smashed taters, creamed peas and homemade biscuits.

Peach pie a la mode goes well as a dessert, especially if served flaming with a corn fermentation product. (The corn derivative is best if precipatated via a Ford radiator. Other makes impart an acidic flavor.)

[waterboy]

Pogo, I gather you live in GA. I assume it is in or around ATL, everything else is. Your humble Waterboy here hails originally from the County of Meriwether.

[pogo]

Waterman, I am one of the many transplanted to ATL, having wandered my way from KS, throuigh LA, IN, PA, AL, and CT with frequent trips to other places.

I have been here 18 years and that is about the number of GA natives I have known here in that time. I find that sad.

I have conducted meetings with CEOs and senior managers of companies you would know, but am still most at home in the wide open with a beer in one hand, riding down a dirt road in a pick-up with bird dogs in back and a shotgun next to them.

[insomniac]

gum for when you're (not your) so lonely ,you need some company from the sheep- Ram-o-flage.

[waterboy]

Thanks, Pogo.

Anybody who has been down here long enough to know what snipe hunting is can shed the "Transplant" moniker, I think. This coming from a native GA (water)boy!

[neophyte]

Shoot, Waterboy, we hunt snipe back in Kansas too. Pogo, where were you from in Kansas?

[waterboy]

It's good to see quality leisure activities spreading across the country, neophyte. Snipe hunting is a favorite activity of mine. I generally take people that are new to town out to the snipe stand with me, especially transplants!

[jerajdai]

Why stop at hunting? I can't think of a better way to make a first impression on a blind date...

[punky brewster]

Pogo ... oh, so it's a love song. Got it.

Hey, where abouts in CT did you habitat? That's where my pine flavored gin and I live when we're not working the whole rodeo circuit with Fed.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Fed, you don't need to be a redneck. We used to take campers on snipe hunts in upstate New York. Worked every time. As long as they had the bag ready and knew how to bang the sticks together correctly...

[bbescuela]

I always thought that was what Deer Nuts were for. What's that...Beer Nuts? Oh, that's different. Never mind.

[Anne]

And for anyone who doesn't know... YES snipe is a real bird. There is in fact a snipe season. The practice of hunting snipe fell off, largely due to the fact that quail and chukar have more meat. But taking some one ON a snipe hunt is pretty fun too.

[Anne]

completely different, but fun

[Christobol]

Sorry to have missed out on so much fun, y'all, but the man is keepin' me down! Here's a duet for Punky and Fed (that I think Jeff will enjoy).
---

Punky:
I really do appreciate you bringin' me to hunt deer
The urine smells so wonderful
Please don't point that thing over here
So Fed, dear fill the pitcher, another round o’ brew
And don't try that, until I've had a few

Punky Chorus:
Don't try that 'til I've had a few
This blind ain't no water bed,
so don't tell me they're turnin' blue
'Cuz honey I may be your new queen
Or maybe you tell Tina that, too
So don't try that 'til I've had a few

ooh! you brought reefer?, here we go...

(swing instrumental)

Fed Chorus:
I can wait 'til you've had a few
but I only brung one sleepin' bag
to fill up with me and you
When I say you are my new queen
Honey you know that it’s true
So why must you make 'em turn blue?
Yeah, now baby I say, (lord!)
Why must you make 'em turn blue?

[slyeyes]

Just come back from an RBR concert....and Christobol is in fine tune, also. Bravo!

Re: Snipe Hunting. Last Christmas, my daughter in school in Kentucky told me that she was going to go to her boyfriend's house for the weekend because he wanted to take her out mistletoe hunting. My maternal warning bells went off and I told her that sounded suspiciously like a snipe hunt. She insisted that in Kentucky, they do go out in the fields and shoot mistletoe out of the tops of trees. I told her that EVERYONE knows you get mistletoe at Wal-Mart on sale for 2 bags for $1.50.

Guess What

Still doesn't mean he didn't have plans in that field!!

[Kerry]

Pogo and Waterboy--
We go snipe hunting way up here in "Minnesnowta," too. :)

[pogo]

Punky - I signed off for the night shortly after my last post. Should you return here, the answer to your question is, "I was in Danbury for a year 1987-1988."

And yes, it's sort of a love song. It's from Lyle Lovett's "Pontiac" album, title is "Give Back My Heart". If you don't know Lyle, you oughtta.

[MOTW]

djtonyb
That's about the most disgusting thing I've read in a while.

To collect the raw gum, examine the trunk of a black spruce for breaks or scars in the bark. That's where the pitch oozes out and—over a long period of time — solidifies into the hard chunks of resin you're after!

Homer MMMmmmm, chunky resin!

Even though nineteenth-century lore insists that amber-colored raw gum is the best, I make no such distinction. Instead, I scrape off all the solid resin (the soft kind is unacceptable) that I can reach with my putty knife — whether it's yellow, brown, cream, or pink — since it all looks the same after processing.

So much material to comment on ...

[outside observer]

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[punky brewster]

Pogo ... I'm in the New Haven area.

As for Lyle ... I knew him a little ... but at your urging, I'll now have to reacquaint myself with him.

[Federal Duck]

Punky, we got the 100th post baby!

*chugs a beer and passes out on a heifer*

[pogo]

Punky - enjoy! My wife is from Bridgeport (a good place to be from, IMHO) and lived there all her life until '92.

First cut on that album is "If I Had A Boat", which you have probably heard by Lyle or others. It's unique because:

"But Tonto, he was smarter,
one day said Kimosabe,
You can kiss my *ss,
I bought a boat,
And I'm goin' out to sea."

[punky brewster]

Thanks, Pogo.

I'll check it out.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Synchronicity alert! Just as I reached Christobol's song, Jimmy came on the radio with "Margaritaville." Spooky!

[Mr.Fisher]

A little ditty about Fed and Punky
Two Merican kids goin huntin up in the mountain
Fed's gonna be a Rodeo star
Punky says you bess not pour deer pee on me, or I'll cut your eyes out n put 'em in a glass jar

Oh yeah, redneckin goes on
Long after the flavor of pine gum is gone, say ah
Oh yeah, redneckin goes on
Long after the softness in the chewin is gone, they walk on

A little ditty about Fed and Punky
Two Merican kids doin' it often as they can

(Joins witness protection plan and relocates)

[Trystan Shout]

Is this a hot topic or what?!

Over 100 posts in, like, half an hour!

Whew.