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October 25, 2004


Children: Do not dress as seals.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)


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My second firts.

My second firts.

probably not actually first...but what is the trick-or-treating actually like in Manitoba? I mean, is there a 1 hour window when the temperatures eek over 35 that they all scurry out and knock on the other 2 or 3 doors?

My second FIRST. Hey, it's quarter to eleven in Europe.

You probably wouldn't want them to dress up as Lucille Ball, either.

How would you like to have the job of flying a hungry and possibly upset bear in a helicoptor just so some sugar-hyped kid wearing a stupid and ridiculously expensive cheapo costume can go risk permanent frostbite collecting a bucket of candy that his mother is probably going to eat all herself anyway, thus making sure that her butt will never ever fit into a flattering pair of jeans again?

Kilmeny - I got the impression that the bears were airlifted over the course of the year, not just on Halloween night. This sounds to me to be a very serious situation out there. I wouldn't necessarily go mocking it. I'm sure that everyone involved takes things very seriously.

On the lighter side, though...who in their right mind would ever want to dress up as a seal? Besides, dressing up as a whale is a lot more fun. It's easier for me to fit in the costume, too.

How about as a walrus, would that be ok? LoL

Oh I am the walrus GOO GOO G’JOOB

thank you for your contribution, mattunger.com. your site is filled with SUCH original material too.

could some derivative of Churchill Bear Jails be agnfarb?

mattunger.com, you suck. Hard. And not in a good way.

"Romaniuk said 176 bears were caught last year, with 151 flown out by helicopter because the compound was full."

I have this visual of a polar bear sitting behind the pilot with its seat belt on, wondering what he did wrong … poor little bear..

Yeah, yeah, I know he eats little children in seal costumes, but can you blame the poor thing? He's just tryin' to get by in a cold, cold world.

Course, if I lived in a town where I had to be more concerned with being mauled by a polar bear than being car jacked, I might not feel quite so forgiving.

One last thought here, folks ... I've seen some strange Halloween costumes in my day, and at night, with only the moon to light the way, I'm thinking it's kind of hard to tell the difference between a seal and, oh, say a kid dressed up as a polyp. I'm thinking the kids best bet is to dress up as the Star of David … just to be on the safe side.

I'm beginning to think aquatic mammal costumes just aren't a good idea. First they take away our whale suits, now kids can't be seals. What's next, manatees?

But seriously, no need for witches or goblins there; I think a polar bear in town sounds a heck of a lot scarier.

I once got attacked by a horny bull moose while trick or treating, so I feel these kids' pain.

I was trick or treating deep in the wilds of the Yukon with a group of my fellow tone-deaf musical chairs champions and head-trauma sufferers in a pack formation (safety first). I spotted a Mongolian Humping Pheasant in a nearby privet bush, and decided it could be my one shot at breaking out of the musical chair racket and pursuing my dream of X-treme freestyle ornithology.
Calling on my years of training with the feared Bonzai Banana and Shrimp Ninjas, I slinked up on the Humping Pheasant who had mistaken a discarded soda can for a mate in the throes of sexual excitement. As a side note, this is a prime example of why the Mongolian Humping Pheasant is such a rare breed.
Crouching in my most fearsome Shrimp Ninja attack posture, I planned to spring upon the pheasant, when it suddenly got its winky caught in the pop-top, and upon realizing that its mate really had it by the twig and berries, and having a sudden flashback to a National Geographic article it once read about the dreaded australian bifurcated trouser snake and its habit of eating its mate after reproduction, the bird emitted the mongolian humping distress call, which, until this moment, science had never realized sounded almost exactly like the sound of a female yukon mating moose (this is the sort of tragedy that can occur when the government curtails scientific research funding).
As I'm sure you guessed, I used my Shrimp Ninja grappling hook and a nearby Stinking Sap Oak to lower myself down upon the privet bush in order to avoid startling the pheasant further, and possibly causing it to bifurcate itself, if you get my drift. Just as I was about to attain my prize and say goodbye to the oppressive musical chair trade once and for all, a mature adult bull moose came crashing out of the underbrush, and he wasn't interested in dinner and a movie, if you continue to get my drift.
My Shrimp Ninja skills were of little use as I dangled from my ninja grappling hook by one hand holding a very embarrassed Mongolian Humping Pheasant in the other, leaving the moose free reign to privet my pheasant, if you haven't gotten sick of following my damned drift.
Alerted by the cacophony of a man-pheasant-moose tryst, my friends ran to my aid, pelting the moose with miniature snickers bars and york peppermint patties. Realizing it was outnumbered, and in no mood to get a cavity or the gum disease known as gingivitis, the moose retreated to its evil yukonian moose lair.
In the confusion, the Mongolian Humping Pheasant managed to dislodge its love knockwurst from the aluminum passion persimmon of doom, and I was forced to spend the next several years in the cutthroat life of a musical chairs mercenary.

So take heed, unwary children of Canada! Be glad there are mounties armed with rubber bullets there to protect you from the carnality of nature. You never know when you'll find yourself in a life or fornication struggle, and have no miniature snickers to protect you.


Since polar bears hunt mainly by scent, seems to me they could dress the kid as a rutabaga and it would be about the same.

Fed Duck, that was massive. Hope you feel better now.

"If there wasn't this patrol I'd probably just take him in the truck and only let him do a couple of streets."

Does this mean that now she just lets her 12 year old run willy nilly all over town? No need to worry about all those crazies coming out of the woodwork!
"Just keep those pesky polar bears away, and little Jimmy can fend for himself against regular ol' humans."
And what about all those fire trucks and things with ultimate child-crushing abilities driving aimlessly in the streets?

The strangest part of the whole story was the fatal incident in 1983. First, who steals MEAT? And second, who steals meat from a burned-out HOTEL? Why should we be worried if a polar bear attacked some meat-stealing-wierdo running down dark alleys? I mean, unless he was disguised as a seal.

But would Star of David bagnfarb, Punky?

Hey, nothing satisfies a hungry polar bear's sweet tooth like a couple of candy-stuffed little Canadian kids dressed as seals. That's good eatin'.

RCMP, Rangers, police, fire, ambulance, and a HELICOPTER!!! This is the biggest operation I've ever heard of Canada running. I think it must be about half our defence budget. We take our candy seriously up here.

Key Quote:
The last deadly attack was in 1983 when a resident who scavenged packages of ground beef from a burned out hotel ran into a bear in a dark alley.

First of all, it looks as though the patrols may have started in response to that event.

Next, stealing ground beef from a burned out building is very low. It must have been an inside job. I suspect the individual may have set the fire in order to pull off the heist. They should have secured that ground beef immediately after the incident.

Also, I have heard of people saying that a certain animal or person is not the type they would want to meet in a dark alley, but I never pictured that as a polar bear in a small, frozen town. Do you think it may have been a security bear?

Interjection, If I was to meet a polar bear in a dark alley it seems as though large quantities of ground beef would make an excellent distraction for the bear.

Yeah, Bob, that is pretty low. But then, do you really think that, after months of planning and plotting, this resident would give up his/her prize so easily to some presumptuous bear?

Or maybe there is something even deeper going on here. Meat should have saved the resident, you'd think. What if the bear wasn't a security bear at all, but an attack bear? No mention is made of what happened to the meat, only the resident. Trained in ancient people-eating skills and really really mad from having to sit around in a dark alley, the polar bear could be just a pawn in some devious plot to hoard the ground beef for some kind of ritual that would give the mastermind person control over even more powerful animals than bears...like, penguins! Oh, it's all falling into place now!

And I think there is argnfarb in this story somewhere. Dark Alley Bears? Fatal Incident? Unger and the Self Promoters? I know none of these are good, and the last one especially deserves to be buried alive, but I think this story really does have some potential.

Anyone feel like sending mattunger a baby seal costume and a one way ticket to Manitoba? Maybe if we take up a donation...

Oddly, I did dress up as a polar bear once for Halloween. But it was a terrible costume. Even if there had been a polar bear in TX that night, I doubt he would have been fooled.

Rubber Slug and the Immobilizing Darts wbagnfarb.

Toto, too?

You could always put Velcro in the bottom of the basket to make the dog stay put.
* just kidding *

Stealing beef from a dumpster,
I fought the bear and the bear won,
I fought the bear and the bear won.

I needed dinner and I had none,
I fought the bear and the bear won,
I fought the bear and the bear won.

Who'd have thought that a bear would fight?
I guess my race is run.
At my funeral, I'll be a nasty sight.
I fought the bear and the bear won,
I fought the bear and the bear won.

Don’t dress up your children as seals!
Ignore their heart-string tugging appeals.
For a bear might just find them
With sweet teeth that will grind them.
Halloween provides bears with such meals.

That's some kind of mean, rita.

Mean as in Mia must be a a mean little bugger to warrant lowering her by boom to do her business.

You were lucky Koko didn't turn on you. Sorry to hear about Roo. I witnessed something similar when I was a teenager growing up in rural Topeka. Pack of about three dogs picked on a little one. One of them picked it up and shook it. It was a horrifying sight and the screams from the victim were terrible. Neighbors poured out of their houses to rescue the little one. I'll never forget it.

Please don't blame me. I was acting in self-defense after hearing the "But first, roo-roo." joke. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

You didn't, rita. The bloglits have gone on to other topics.


Yeah, I actually posted my apology while being channeled through that English pet psychic woman. Which conveniently explains how I was able to type, too.

I think 'Repeat Offender Bears' WBAGNFARB

Living in FL it's hard to imagine a Polar Bear being a threat, lol.

Living in FL it's hard to imagine a Polar Bear being a threat, lol.

You will also have a larger variety of Halloween costumes to choose from when you shop early. All the hot costumes, such as pirates, vampires, princesses, Star Wars, and Spiderman are available throughout the year, but as Halloween approaches these costumes might not be as readily available.it's a very good blog..

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