CRAPCAM II: THE CLIMBING

Comments

[Rachel]

Hey! I can actually make out what's supposed to be in the picture!

[PeeJay]

Looks like Dave just got done with some squatting!

[PeeJay]

Looks like Dave just got done with some squatting!

[PeeJay]

Sorry, usual technical snafu.

[Mr.Fisher]

How much for that thingy in the window?

[Christobol]

Dave: I'm on top!

Ridley: Dammit! You always get top!

Dave: Well, I called it. That's how it works.

Ridley: Yeah yeah. Hey we have bunk beds!

[Rachel]

"The Climbing" could be a Stephen King book.

[crash]

HAHA CBol!

[Targetgirl]

Don't go up there, Dave!!!

There are droplets of red 'water' from that horrid fountain, waiting patiently for you to ascend, as they congeal and become fatally acidic, and POUNCE on your delicious irises!!!

Dave, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

All is lost.

[MOTW]

C-bol - is this the Bigfoot you saw earlier?

[MOTW]

PeeJay ... CrapCam ... 'squatting'
heh heh heh heh

[Targetgirl]

Tina, I'm impressed. I had to go google 'Tensing Norgay' to figure out who the hell you were talking about. Now I feel very lacking in historical climing knowledge.

I hope Tensing didn't mind my googling him. If so, sorry Tensing, for the intrusion.

[mudstuffin]

Totally off topic - just looking at a landscape plan - did you ever notice how many names of plants sound like an insult? Examples:

Dwarf Lilac
Purple Leaf Wintercreeper
Little Princess Spiraea
Dwarf Fothergilla
Dutch Master Daffoldils

I now return you to your regularly scheduled crapcam discourse.

[crash]

Tensing Norgay = Everest = DEAD

Right?

[MeganBNL]

In King's new work The Climbing, Davey, an innocent humorist has the power to see the long dead denizens of a haunted tour bus.

[PeeJay]

Where is Dave's Sherpa?

[MOTW]

What time is it?
Random something or other!

Key quotes:
10/27 "My gene pool glints back off a wall in the Alberta sun."
10/26 "Is your mind a vigorous wood?"

* wishes MKJ would come back to play *

[Blue Meanie]

I started to anagram Tensing Norgay, but then I thought "why bother?"....

[Targetgirl]

Yes Crash, Tensing Norgay is dead.

But never underestimate the dead.

[Mr.Fisher]

Crammed on a Bus
Remainders tour the country
Smells of dirty socks

A Travelin Haiku

[Rachel]

Megan - sounds like a great book. I hope I get royalties...

[MeganBNL]

Of course, Rachel! I'm happy to know someone thought the same thing as me when they saw 'The Climbing'.

BTW.....I hear they wanted Tensing Norgay for the movie version til they realized he was dead. They still might use him in a cameo, though.

[Polly]

Awwww.... Dave's got a Power Puff Girls case on his pillow.

[Mr.Fisher]

Erection:

Dave is standing tall
same as erect, well sort of
Least he is on top

[MeganBNL]

Little Davey sat on the curb outside his house, lost in thought. He felt himself drifting away, felt like he was falling, and he knew....it was Tensing. His mom and dad always called Tensing his 'invisible friend'...but Davey knew he was real, and lately Tensing was showing Davey things that scared him...........

[Polly]

Or maybe those are the new "crack whore" linens from the new Martha Stewart collection at K-mart... Cursed CrapCam.

[Charlotte]

Hey look! Dave is wearing a sweatshirt! Where's his mandatory blue Hawiian shirt? What's up with that?

[bigonbnl]

The Crap Cam struck me last night! I got my picture taken with a hottie rock star and it was taken with the CRAP CAM. I'm so ticked.

[Rachel]

...like snakes coming out of low-flow toilets. Something in Davey's gut made him flinch every time Tensing promised him another "adventure". Davey should have listened to his gut this time.

"The bus belongs to the Kichmond Rickers, a rugby team from Virginia. I hear that fun and exciting things happen when you sleep on its top bunk."

Tensing made the trip sound like a child's birthday party, but Davey knew the truth: there was more on that top bunk than he ever wanted to see...

[Rachel]

Hey! What happened to my italics? Does it automatically "shut off" when you start a new paragraph?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Charlotte, I thought they were his pj's. It really IS a crap cam.

Where is Dave's Sherpa?

PeeJay, it's in his pj's.

[MeganBNL]

Suddenly...with no warning...Davey's italics disappeared!

[crash]

Peri made a Harry Potter reference...

Dave has more than 3 shirts?!

[queensbee]

was that a non-blue shirt dave, or, does the crapcam lie?

[Rachel]

Davey screamed in horror as his beloved formatting ceased to be visible.

Tensing grabbed Davey's hand. "We're not even on the bus yet. This is supposed to be the part of the book where the reader is all calm before the storm, ya know? Stop with the screaming until chapter 6!"

[slyeyes]

Tina, thanks. I have an earwig of "Jamling Tensing Norgay" running through my head. (Son)

He has such a lyrical name.

(BTW, he wrote a great book, Touching My Fathers Soul)

[MeganBNL]

Davey was so scared...how could he tell his bandmates that it was too dangerous to go on the bus? They'd never understand about Tensing. If he tried to explain, he knew they'd point and laugh and call him names.....names like 'freak', and 'psycho' and 'booger'......

[Christobol]

Just then Dave thought of a plan. A wonderful, wicked, wacky, well-crafted, whopper of a plan. Gathering his mates about him, he said...

"Say fellas, let's not go on the bus. I know, I know, it's all reserved and paid for and there's certainly no reason to believe that something terrible awaits us in the upper bunks, but the thing is, Ridley's scared. He's frightened like a little baby, and gosh darnitall I can't bring myself to force him to overcome his fears just because it inconveniences every single other person on this tour. So let's hop in a cab!"

[Rachel]

As completely reasonable as Davey's suggestion sounded, his bandmates couldn't bring themselves to take a cab.

"It's too expensive."

"It will take too long."

"Stephen King can't sell the book for a ridiculous sum if it's only 3 pages long."

Davey considered his bandmates' fears and realized, deep down inside, that the only way to assauge those fears was by revealing the deep, horrible, truth...

...he could not whistle.

Since they were stranded with the inability to hail a cab, they all boarded the bus. Davey's fears and anxieties gripped him like a chocoholic grips that sweet, sweet Hershey's bar.

[end Chapter 1]

[Targetgirl]

Rachel, I am now terrified and again in need of a chocolate fix.

'Shuddering Chocolate Jones' bagnfarb

Tina, what did you think would happen when you unleashed such a dilectable name as Tensing Norgay? It's too good to ignore.
Tensing Norgay
Tensing Norgay
Tensing Norgay
Tensing Norgay
Tensing Norgay

Okay I'll stop it.

[Christobol]

*shows up to chocoholic meeting with strategically placed sweet, sweet Hershey's bar*

[Rachel]

Hey - Tensing Norgay anagrams to "Toy Gang Sinner"

That explains a lot!

[Rachel]

Anyone game to start Chapter 2 of The Climbing? I'm actually cutting and pasting this whole thing into a coherent passage of text...

Come on... *whines* *puppy eyes*

[MeganBNL]

Off-topic?! We have off-topic here???

[Rachel]

Does Underline not work on the blog?

[Rachel]

Guess not. *whines* *puppy eyes*

[pogo]

One more reason not to take the bus: Chicago has developed an aversion to rock bands traveling in buses after the dreaded Dave Matthews Incident

[Rachel]

pogo - what Dave Matthews incident? What happened?

[MeganBNL]

Chapter 2 The Bus

Davey slept fitfully, dreaming of things he couldn't possibly face while awake. In his dream he heard a hollow booming sound...he didn't recognize it, and it frightened him. Suddenly he awaoke, and found himself staring into the bus window, which showed him the reflection of his own pasty, sleep-deprived face. Across his image, in the kind of drippy letters you saw in horror movies were the words Wedwum Season.

[Rachel]

Oh yeah, the "waste dump" incident. Never mind.

However, that incident would fit in well with our story here. Having scattalogical content and all.

[Rachel]

Davey gasped to hold in his scream, so as not to wake his bandmates. He was paralyzed with fear as he attempted to decipher the mysterious code.

"What could "Wedwum Season" possibly mean?", Davey whispered to himself. Then it hit him, "Wedwum Season" most certainly referred to...

[Boo Augustus]

The Bard of Vyvyan appears to have a low opinion of dear Mr. Ridley.

What's wrong little camper?

[Federal Duck]

Chapter 2: The Climbing (cont.)

Dave awoke with a start, as opposed to waking with a stop as usual. He immediately sensed that something was amiss.

"Ridley's hand is on my bum." he sensed, cursing himself for leaving Amy's whip out of reach.

He peered into the rain-soaked night, wondering what the hell Wedwum Season meant, and if Elmer Fudd was involved.
He gently removed Ridley's hand from his bum, eliciting a grunt of satisfaction from his bandmate that, quite frankly, was disconcerting.

"I feel disconcerted," he thought. "My concert has been dis'd."

The bus smelled faintly of gym socks and Captain Morgan's; a smell all too familiar to a man coming off of a book tour.

When suddenly, without warning, something really shocking happened, which will be filled in by someone else.

*insert text here*

[pogo]

Underline

[Rachel]

C-bol - hey man, I would move that strategically placed Hershey's bar. When I said "grips" I didn't mean in a nice way. If you ever want to be able to use that thing again, I suggest that you put the chocolate bar someplace else. :)

[MeganBNL]

.....the heretofore unreleased Barry Manilow album of that name, whose tapes had been hidden for years in the basement of a long-deserted hotel.

[pogo]

Underline doesn't work (unless it's the browser - I'm using Firefox)

[Christobol]

*limping around but still giggling*

Now you tell me, Rachal.
---

For the record: Ridley is the bomb. He rocks.

[Rachel]

Davey couldn't hold it in any longer.

"AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!" He screamed, realizing that he sounded like that ridiculous Kia Rio commercial.

His bandmates awoke with a start, as opposed to waking with a finish, and started beating him mercilessly for interrupting their slumber.

"Look at the window!" Davey screamed between cat-fight slaps.

In shock, everyone on the bus stood still, including the driver who was no longer paying attention to the road.

As the driver stared agape at the window, the bus veered onto the exit ramp destined for...

[Rachel]

Sorry C-bol, if this blog posted comments faster I could have saved ya'.

[Charlotte]

Destined for Algona...the Giant Cheeto home.
The orange mist was backlighting the WEDWUM SEASON printed on the window.

[pogo]

the Kinzie Street Bridge, scene of the dreaded Dave Matthews Tour Bus Incident.

(Sorry Charlotte, I think it was my only chance.)

[Rachel]

Charlotte and Pogo - you can both have your way:

the Kinzie Street Bridge, scene of the dreaded Dave Matthews Tour Bus Incident, on its way to Algona...the Giant Cheeto home.

The orange mist was backlighting the WEDWUM SEASON printed on the window.

[Christobol]

*suddenly yet another really shocking thing happened without warning, which only partly explains why it was shocking: Ed McMahon leapt out of Dave's guitar case naked and began singing a lullaby in French*

"That's shocking! Why didn't you warn us?"

"Fed said I couldn't.
Berceuse, et bonne nuit
Avec les fleurs molles autour de vous
Assoupissement gentiment dans la fin de clair de lune
vos yeux maintenant et rêve !"

[Tomorrow's Man]

Wow, I thought of Algona, too...I think the Giant Cheeto is an orange Tommyknocker...

batteries....I need batteries!!!

[Rachel]

C-bol, your lullaby translates like this on freetranslation.com:

Lullaby, and good harms
With the soft flowers around you
Drowsiness kindly in the moonlight
end your eyes now and dreams!

Good harms? Isn't that an oxymoron?

(For the record, with my limited French capabilities, I am aware that nuit=night.)

Speaking of night, I'm of work, now, so see you guys tomorrow!

[Christobol]

Rachel - yes, good harms. As Couger "kittykat" Mellonballer once said "sometimes love don't hurt like it should"

Anyways, my French is so bad it comes out German sometimes.

[Federal Duck]

The bus driver, apparently taken aback, rather than afront as is his native custom, veered over to the side of the road.

"I'll bet the driver turns out to be a zombie." Amy said out loud, completely ruining the plot of the story and forcing Fed to come up with something else on the fly.

"He's going to make an 'on the fly' joke and turn the driver into The Fly instead." said Ridley, who was really starting to piss the narrator off.

Dave gazed intently at the markings on the window. "Wedwum Season." he thought to himself. "Let's see. Wigwam. Bedlam. Muwdew. That's it! It must be Jason Mulgrew, internet quasi-celebrity!"

Amy struck a rather fetching pose in her stilleto heels and brandished her whip like a wild... um, thing that brandishes stuff.

"Dave, just freaking say it out loud, man." said the frustrated and underpaid narrator.

"Wedwum." Dave said aloud, wondering all the while why you can't say something aquiet if need be.
"I get it!" Dave screamed, in a not ungirlylike fashion. "Ledlum! It's a Japanese thing! They can't say the L sound! This is obviously tied to a Japanese mob boss named Ledlum."

Then suddenly, without warning, the bus driver said "to hell with this," and quit.

Then something else really creative and shocking happened, as evidenced by Ch. 3 "Dave Does Dallas."

[MeganBNL]

'But I've never even BEEN in Dallas!', Davey screamed in his head. 'Oh, yes...yes you were', said Tensing, who had left the confines of Davey's imagination and was trying on Amy's boots.

[punky brewster]

Word on the mountain is that Tensing Norgay is set to star in the sequel to Weekend at Bernies.

See, Tina ... in the end Tensing will get the "props" he deserved after all :)

[punky brewster]

c-bol

The "bunk bed" bit was priceless.

Well done.

[Mr.Fisher]

As Dave is busy doing Dallas, a water line to the low flow toilet suddenly breaks and causes the bus to flood.

Panic stricken, everyone frantically climbs the rungs of the ladders and huddle in the top bunks together.

The water rises rapidly and since the driver quit, the bus is cruising around on autopilot and is unaware of the leakage.

Couragously Dave abandons all rationality and climbs back down into the rushing water, now up to his blue shirt. He was in search of the priceless pair of penguin thongs thrown to him by a bloglit named Slyeyes.

"Dave!, Wake Up, We're in Chicago dude!" yelled Ridley.

[SchadeBoy]

Off topic, but...

...happiness is when you can use the term " would be a good name for a rock band" in your regular work correspondence.

Oh, and probably using the word "booger" too, but I don't think an opportunity like that is going to happen soon.

[Mike Weasel]

"OMG! Who's driving the bus now?!" shouted Amy as the bus driver leaped out the window.

"Did you actually say 'OMG?'" Dave asked.

"Shut up!" Amy emphathized this comment with a crack of her whip.

The bus, somehow, kept driving itself straight along the highway as if following a beam, yet it started to accelerate to dangerous levels.

**zzt crackle**

"WHO'S UP FOR SOME RIDDLES?" came a maniacal electronic voice over the speaker system.

Stephen King, hidden in the back seat of the bus, merely smiled to himself and continued writing.

[pogo]

I wonder whether Dave owns the rights to postings on the blog. If he publishes this thread he can sell it to the American Psychiatric Association as a set of case studies. Or maybe as the new "Ulysses"?

I need a beer. See ya.

[triller]

more anagrams:
ginseng on tray
grange inn toys
tiny norse gang
antsy grin gone

[Josh]

Mike...funny!

[kat allias tak]

When my grandson was about 5 years old, his father was doing "shift" work (not s--t work) and stayed home until noon baby-sitting with Matt. Every day Mike would watch the TV evanglists on the "boob tube." He watched Ernest Ainsley, the faith healer, lay hands on the chosen crippled persons that came down to the front escorted by the ushers. Ernest would slap them on the forward, they would fall back into the waiting hands of the ushers, and he would say, "HEAL!!! In the name of JESUS!" One day, Mike took his family out to dinner. The waiter had placed Matt on a booster seat. A veteran from the Viet Nam War came in with a lovely woman. The waiter removed a chair from one of the tables in order to clear a place for his wheel chair. Matt kept glancing over at the vet. His mother said, "don't you even "think" about it!" But Matt just kept on stealing side glances when he thought that his mother wasn't looking. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He jumped down from his booster chair, ran across the restaurant, slapped the veteran on the one of his two stubs (both legs had been lost in the war) and said, "HEAL! Take all you need!" Needless to say, Mary ran over to the table, crying, and apologizing profoundly. But by the time she got over there, the good natured vet had Matt sitting upon his lap and he was laughing his head off. He said, "Lady, don't ever stop this kid! He is the funniest thing that I have ever seen in my life! He has made my day. Most people won't look my in the face after I returned back to the states. I love it!!!"

[kat alias tak]

Dave, you look like you have been "Arbonnized," also. I know JK is going to be RED with envy!!!!!

[Christobol]

Kat alias tak that is spooky. I have a nephew who did almost the exact same thing.

Only instead of a watching faith healers he was always watching WWF wrestling and instead of a restaurant it was a bus station and instead of a vietnam vet it was an unemployed snake charmer / ballerina and instead of smacking stumps he severed her thumbs with a salad fork.

Weird, huh?

[Susannah]

C-bol, I think I'm in love with you.

[me2]

fond abode and lukewarm cobra goo = would be a good name for a rock band

[Angie]

I'm starting to get frustrated that I have to save every crapcam image, take it to an imaging program, and lighten. What the crap is wrong with this monitor???

(Angie bangs on the top of the monitor repeatedly. Then has to make a trip to Best Buy to buy a new one due to "frustration based violence.")

[Christobol]

Oh, Susannah, don't you pine for me
I ain't from Alabama
And I've got this breast on the back o' my knee
---

Angie - "frustration based violence" has a better chance of being covered under the warranty than "spite based violence", according to a survey I found in my ass and backed up by an episode of Seinfeld I once saw.

[kat alias tak]

"Luv------, is a many splendored thing!
It's the end of all, and everything that goo will bring! I't the morning due and super flu and just between me,--- and you!!! Oh! Luv is, -----Luv is really a pot of GLUE!"

[Christobol]

me2 - that was some boinic level anagramming there.

[Leetie]

Mike, as soon as I read "beam" in your post I thought of Blaine and the DT. Good one!

[punky brewster]

Susannah ... get in line, sweetpea.

[Christobol]

apropos to nothin, but I won't be around tomorrow, so here's a little ditty for Dave from Ray Christobol
---
A stalker's lament

I stopped you in the street
And then you said hello
I could hardly speak
My heart was beating so
And anyone could tell
I think I know you well
But you don't know me

Oh you don't know the one
Who blogs into the night
Who tried to steal your dog
Although it wasn't right
I guess I'm not your friend
In fact, I've never been
'Cuz you don't know me

When I'm out of jail, I'll thank the stars above
And I'll get back to following you
Although you're shy, don't let your chance go by
When I'm free in a year, or two

You called the cops on me
And then you said goodbye
I watched you walk away
But did I see you cry?
I guess I'll never know
But I'll bet you'll love me, though
You just don't know me

My cellmate thinks I'm just wasting my time
But he's never read a column by you
He's a big guy, and there's not much he won't try
But reading's not what he likes to do

So if you hear from me
Your faithful prison guy
Don't throw the note away
Just give my wit a try
Or else you'll never know
The one who stalked you so
'Cuz you won't know me

You'll never, ever know
mmmm, cause you just don't know me

[pelagicsal]

Looks like Ridley has a FOM pillow from Brookstone. Mmmmm... May have to go cuddle with mine right now.

[Ross]

So that's where the "magic" happens?

[jamester]

You are all so inspired with the bus story that I'm tempted to stay here at the office overtime, in the rain, and see what happens next, or even try to craft something deserving.

But I guess not. Goodnight you maniacs...

[slyeyes]

C-bol...How DO you do it?

[waterboy]

It's good to see Eddy Arnold fans such as myself are around, C-bol.

[wysiwyg]

slyeyes: go check your mail!

[Christobol]

yeah - and take out the garbage, slyeyes!

Hey Dave, sorry I'll miss ya at the House of Blues tomorrow, so here's a solo for you.

---

Humor Blogger Blues

Well I'm a humor blogger baby
I'm gonna post a laugh for you
Yes I'm a humor blogger baby
About to post a laugh for you
If real life starts to take its toll
I'll be here, on a roll
And I ain't never lost to the blues

Well I'm a metaphor mixer
A morning child in the evening of life
Yeah I'm a bad joke fixer, baby
Take two boogers, and take my wife!
Well I'm a topical observer, baby
With wit sharper than a knife

Who's got the blues for Ridley and me?

Well I'm a humor bomb
Guaranteed to crack you up
Lord knows I'm humor bomb for you baby
Woh gauranteed, just stone gauranteed to crack you up
And if I can't make you laugh for me baby
Sweet child you are one sick pup

Wo-oh. Just don't seem like I might someday in the far distant future lose (I can't lose)
These here giant squid (yes I did)
Two headed snake (by the lake)
Fat fried (make that a twinkie fat fried)
Who lied? (someone told me Cher's tour died)
Bovine pride (who knows how cows feel inside?)
Parfait smokin', rampart strokin' blues

I got those hu-u-u-mor, blo-o-og-ging
Buh-lu-u-u-u-u-u-ues!

[MeganBNL]

Damn...I wanna sing back-up on that one!

*forms chick back-up group...The Barr-ettes*

[slyeyes]

C-bol...screaming good. (was screaming on this thread??)

I'm trying to check mail, take out garbage and repair plumbing....but I've got to round up more virgins for a sacrifice to the baseball gods. Apparently, the one I sacrificed earlier today lied about his status.

[wysiwyg]

Time to get back to the bus:

"Suddenly from a foot locker at the back of the bus came a loud knocking:

Rap! Rap Rap! Rap Rap RAP!

Dave jerked around to face this latest threat. The whole locker was shaking from the evident violence of whatever was inside.

Like moths to a flame they were all drawn toward the box.

Rap! Rap Rap! RAP RAP RAP!

"Go ahead Dave, open it up", whispered Tenzing in Dave's mind, before collapsing with a thud to the floor.

"How the hell do girls manage to stand up in these things?" he muttered.

The knocking was steadily increasing in violence:

RAP! RAP RAP! RAP RAP RAP!

The background music reaches a crescendo as Dave gingerly reaches down to the locker. Releasing
the catch he springs back and sees:

wrapping paper.

*the music stops suddenly*
*everyone's heart continues to pound in their chest for a moment in the now deafening silence*

Breaking the tension finally, slyeyes (who had suddenly found herself sucked through a space-time vortex into the bus), groans "Awww Jeez, that was the worst Halloween joke I've heard in ages"

Everyone laughs uneasily, as they always do just before something really nasty happens.

Suddenly, springing from the darkness behind them while their attention had been diverted.....

(Sorry to leave at this point, but I have work to do here in Australia where it is only lunchtime).

[slyeyes]

WRAPPING (RAPPING) PAPER!?!?!

That will get you voted off the bus, wysiyg.

Your blog names makes me want to say, "I'd like to buy a vowel, please."