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October 19, 2004




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Yes first. Almost made it.

It could also be treated, I suppose, by
1) waving a dead chicken over the hamster;
2) electroconvulsive therapy;
3) sedatives;
4) bloodletting by Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber; etc etc.

But enough of that. I'd be interested in how it can be effectively treated.

Passionfruit moatarita - possible treatment.
I'll try it out.
Anybody got a sick hamster?

So...it probably wouldn't be a good idea for John Kerry to give mouth to mouth to a hamster for awhile?

*waits for obligatory Kerry-bashing jokes*

Uuh...where's the link?

So, there was this one time, John Kerry was bashing a sick hampster, and, uhh...Dang, I'm no good at obligatory jokes.

Another vast right-wing conspiracy.

Pith at its finest. Heaven forbid they use a superfluous word here or there.

Hamsters bad.
Kill humans.

Tularemia Ah good times!! So right after 9/11 and the Anthrax scare all the labs are talking about the next bioweapons agent and Tularemia comes up in the discussion. The way Tularemia is most often contracted is when some unsuspecting person is mowing the grass (or I suppose driving on the freeway with the windows down) and runs over a rabbit, mouse, grounhog, hamester etc. The Tularemia is aerosalized and inhaled and the person contracts the disease. We all had a good laugh deciding if you see terorrist setting out rabbits and or offering to mow your (not you're) yard then you know you are in trouble.

I am glad to see they are now using Canadian Hamesters.

(and yes Tularemia and the Canadian Hamesters WBAGNFARB)

and of course by hamesters I mean Hamsters

No, Mad that would be a most excellent name for a rock band!

Trying to think of some good song title puns for the band, but my brain is not working so good tonight as evidenced by my inability to spell and type

Possible song titles for Tularemia and the Hamsters:
Ain't nothin but a Phodopus sungorus
Momma don't let your babies grow up to hamsters
Rodent house blues
Sick of your (not you're) mowing me down

Ok when I start using scientific names in song titles it is time for me to stop posting.

Good night all!

We could feed the two headed snake with them...

the hamesters

Dad used to call Tularemia "Rabbit Fever." My sister and I would sing, "Tu-la-roo-la-remia" to the tune of "Toora-loora-loora, that's an Irish Lullaby." Weird, I know.

Toora loora loora
In the spring
Orioles and Robins
Sweetly sing
Through the leafy branches
You can hear
Teera Leera Leera
Spring is here!

That's how I remember it.

'course, spent my whole childhood on crack, mind ya

The whole press release reads like a free-verse poem...


Oh, hamsters...whew.

I thought they meant gerbils for a second.

Homicidal Hamsters (or Hamesters)...GNFAPunkB?
Not even gonna click the links for "Aussie boffins probe lesbian cows" or "Inside the mind of the gay sheep"

Ah yes, it's a conspiracy. For years you lousy humans have been buying us because we are so cute. Then you sqish us, forget to feed us, make us run around in stupid wheels and balls and "homes" that we can't find our way out of. You name us things like "Pookie Poo", "Mr Fuzzywuzzy" and "Snuggiewuggiesnoodlesweetsieboy". Our keepers are small children with runny noses who never clean our cages and have the IQ of a nematode and think we run on batteries. And when we die, the most we get is a cardboard box under a tree, while Mommy pats Susie and tells Daddy to pick up another one of us on his way home. Is there any wonder why we have finally decided to strike back???!!! We made not get respect during our lifetimes, but remember..."handle a dead hampster with caution." Yeah, baby, because YOU may be next, broohaaahaaaa

Please pardon the mispellings. As a hamster it is difficult to hit the correct keys.
The Harmster

With apologies to neophyte & n's sister
To the tune a toora;
Over in the rat lab, many days ago
Ma hampster sang this song to me, it sounded squeaky though
Just a rodent ditty in it's good old hampster way
Then tu la roo la remia, damm it's quiet here today

Toora Loora loora
Toora Loora li
Tu la la roo la remia
It's Hampster for goodbye

The warning applies to dwarf/pigmy or regular hamsters.
So if you have a giant hamster, it's probably OK?

Also, (and this is just me being picky), did anyone else notice that the entire article seemed to be made up of bullet points, rather than having a couple of paragraphs of related information? It makes it kinda difficult to read.

Kat ... thank you. I was wondering if someone else was going to comment on the weird format. I made a comment early on ... glad to see I was not alone. :)

"Sockett says if a hamster is found dead, it should be handled with caution. "

ewww, if at all. ewwww.

Lord Byron, thank you! I am so pleased that you've updated and improved the Tularemia song for this and future generations! Plus, you made me laugh; that's a good thing!

Dwarf, pygmy and regular? Shoot, now my whole herd's in quarantine!!!


Soon all the pellets in the WORLD will be MINE!!

Homicidal Hamster and the Nameless Forty-Somethings WBAGNFARB. Maybe they could tour with Modest Mouse.

From corn's link, above.

Neil's link.

"OK, Doc, Sockett to me." (ducks flying dead hamsters, which would also bagnfarb)

Anybody remember an old '60s band called Mouse & The Traps? They did a great Dylan-sound-alike song called "A Public Execution," if I remember correctly.

Hmm, that sort of fits right in with the whole killer rodent thing...

I am so very sad. I guess you'd have to be pretty sad to go to an empty thread and post, right? Just so you have someplace to go to talk to yourself? It's pretty lame I know. But oh do I feel lame right now. Crippled. All shrivelled up inside, nothing left but this hollow shell. It is just so hopeless, you know? There is simply no point. And if the blackness doesn't go away it is going to drive me crazy.

oh, look, pacific poker has come to join me. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up again until I feel better. I feel like a zombie wandering around. Body lumbering through the day to day actions, but already dead inside. Hopelessly dead. It is ridiculous; the dead should be allowed to just rot in their graves. It is so unfair to make us wander around; we just want to rest in peace. Peace would be good.

And you know what? Love sucks. Never never be foolish enough to love somebody. Ever. It is a sure fire way to end up in significant pain. Just sayin'.

Oh and it only makes it harder when you agree to sacrifice your principles, when you agree to violate up your morals and give up your self-respect for his benefit. And THEN he dumps you.

Damn it.

I just don't see any hope. He is gone and I am miserable with out him.

ohgodohgodohgod i cant stop crying i cant stop crying and i wish I could go to bed and just never wake up

pacific poker is back. Hello, pacific poker, deal me in. never played the game before, but wtf, right? its frustrating that you cannot stay asleep. after 15 or 16 hours, you wake up - whether you want to or not, and just can't go back to sleep again. And I have to be able to sleep at nights. Nights are the worst. Well, and noon. Noon is very hard. How long before i quit checking my email, how long before I turn off the damned instant messenger for good. I am an idiot and I truly despise myself for being like this. damn damn damn
honestly, I look at the possible options open to me and all of them make me sick. I wish for a heart attack. Or a train. Or quick acting non-painful cancer (ha! I know there isn't such a thing) Some easy way out. there has to be an easy way out. and no, i'm not talking about suicide. I won't go chasing death. but if it came chasing me I wouldn't run.

interesting that pacific poker keeps getting deleted, but the other spam stays.

Rationally, I know that it really is for the best. Really. Not the spam being deleted. Me being deleted from his life. It is for the best. It still hurts like hell. It makes me want to throw up. It makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and moan in pain. Ok, so that's what I HAVE been doing. But it is still better in the long run.

So how in the hell do I get through the mean time?

And what do I do when I finally stop crying? What kind of options do I have then?

*starts crying again when she realizes what her options are*

oh God! Just make it stop hurting!! You know the timing of all this simply sucks. It sucks! I was depressed enough BEFORE he dumped me. Damn it, God it just isn't fair!!!!! FIX IT! My own fault, I know. I KNOW, ok?! That doesn't make it any easier. Maybe it's better this way; I have something specific to be depressed about, I can focus my hurt in one area instead of the general hopelessness.

The question always goes back to: what happens next. When I stop crying... what do I do then? Where do I go from here?

*goes to crawl back into bed to pray that I will never wake up*

damn it. when you want to never wake up, you can't even get to sleep

how can something make perfect sense, rationally, and still hurt like hell, emotionally? It is just wrong, wrong, I tell you.

And I see him off playing and flirting and I get angry. I do not like feeling angry.

A little sunshine today. It really does help. If I could force myself out into the sunshine every day it would be very good for me. Of course, it also helps that I didn't see him today. And yet, of course, I still continued to check his haunts, just in case. And check my mail, just in case. WHY? When I think it through rationally, I remember

a. My very first reaction to him was negative; I should have gone with my first impression.

b. I tried to break up with HIM earlier, but wasn't strong enough to follow through; I should be relieved to have the decidion made for me

c. he scared the hell out of me when he started talking about first love, then marriage

d. I never believed his claim that we were "soul mates"

e. I had learned that there were things about him that would make it impossible for forever anyway.
1. His womanizing,
2. his parenting style,
3. his wishywashiness (yes, it is one of my own faults, so I need a mate who is strong)
4. his refusal to take blame or accept responsibility for problems,
5. his addictions, his inabilty or refusal to see that he was hurting me, even when I spelled it out clearly. Or maybe he saw but just didn't want to do anything about it.
6. His fighting style, which was dangerous and damaging to me
7. His dreams, which did not match mine

But oh, it was nice to love and be loved again!! It was nice to be so close to somebody that we thought the same thoughts and could finish each others' sentences. Somebody to look forward to seeing every day. Somebody I could not wait to spend time with, who couldn't get enough of me, either. Somebody to wrap his arms around me.

Ahhh. I miss that. I miss him. I miss him.

The feelings may not be rational, but they are still vaild. And I am lonely without him.

it would help if he weren't always going on about how wonderful she is

it would help if I thought he was even a LITTLE sad to be without me

it would help if I didn't have to see him every day. :( :( :(

jealousy, ego, and the temptation to throw myself at him and beg him to take me back: not good; really, really not good

*sigh* I'm lonely.

haven't cried today; that's a plus, right?

I want him to come back. I want him to come back.
I want things to go back to the way they were just a couple of months ago.

I want him to come back!!!

damn it damn it damn it

how can he be so damned unaffected?

fuck him!

HE was the one who started using the word love! HE was the one always talking about forever!
HE was the one who talked about getting married!

I don't think I ever meant anything to him. Nothing real.

If he had ever had any real feelings for me, he couldn't be so unaffected now.

I should go to bed.

Things change, that's all. Nothing organic is static; everything changes. Sometimes taking new form can be beautiful and smooth and easy, but often it involves pain. And that is just the way it is. Best just to accept that and enjoy the beauty that is there despite the pain of change. Really. You aren't the first to grow through this, nor will you be the last.

go to bed and be busy tomorrow, busy with the details of life.

Wow. Sometimes it amazes me that people can be so low-class. Tasteless, tacky, cheap and common. Wow. Some days are real eye-openers. No, it is a very, very good thing that we are no longer together. As distasteful as the image is, I hope I can remember it next time I start to backslide, to think I want to be with him. because, no, I don't.

Hisssss! Die, spamming scum! This is MY spot!

augh. I am an idiot, a moron, seven kinds of fool. Why can't I stay away from him? But no, I seem to think that I need him back. I would be miserable, absolutely miserable with him. It is a very GOOD thing that he is turning down my advances. Why can't I be smart enough to say thank God that is over, what better things can I do with my life?

I am lonely.

But on the bright side, I do not cry as much anymore. I haven't cried at all today, and in general cry a lot less often than I was. And I sometimes go hours at a time without thinking about him.

This will stop hurting eventually. I am going to be OK.

Oh go away, spambot! You are invading my space, you are violating my sactity, you are bugging the hell out of me! Just go, go, go away!

nasty, nasty spam. Not that the last one is particularly nasty, just the concept of spam in general.

Anyway, now what?
From this whole experience, I remembered that I liked loving somebody and being loved. So, what do I do about it? I think going out searching for love will not work; clearly it isn't easy to find somebody compatible. The horror stories are astounding. And if women like that can not meet a decent guy, what are the chances that I could? To even stand a chance of meeting a decent person, first I would have to transform myself into a better person. I'm not sure I can do that. I'm not sure how to even begin going about that.

I think I'm going back to bed.

i need to stop reading that kind of sh**

it makes me feel like even a worse failure, dammit.

if you just do this, then they will respond thus and so

Well, that's bullshit. It doesn't always work that way. It's not always that f***ing easy. Don't give me that sh**! YOU walk in my goddamned shoes for a couple of weeks and then tell me how f***ing easy it is!

And if you CAN make it work then I'd better just abdicate right now. Just f***ing walk away. If it really IS that easy, and I can not do it, then dammit, we'd all be better off with me dead.

Pisses me off, can you tell? One of my very, very sore subjects. Because maybe I am a f***ing failure. shit.

Wow, somebody needs to learn to control her temper.

I'm going back to bed; there really doesn't seem to be any point in trying to do anything else.

dang I am so lonely

I found an email from him, dated two days ago. I guess I'm finally not obsessing about checking my mail every ten minutes in case he might write. Sounds as if he is getting everything he ever wanted out of life. I am very glad for him. And I look at the things that seem to matter to him and realize that they aren't really the things that matter to me, and I am reminded once again how very miserable we would have been together.

But I still feel sorry for myself. He was charming, he was sweet and kind and wonderful, he was funny, he was intellectually stimulating.... oh, there is more, so much more. But it doesn't do to dwell on him. He is history. :(

I ... can't... do... this! I am SO tired. There really is no point! I am lonely, I am overwhelmed, I am over my head, I am not doing well, I am in pain, and I am failing in everything I attempt. I am hopeless. And I'm whining. I am so lonely.

I hate the spam, I hate it! Make it go away! This is MY thread; you can't have it; go away!

I can't go on. I wish I wish I wish for a heart attack to come and take me. I wish for quick acting cancer. I wish to get hit by a train. Ugh, no, forget the train, somebody is driving it and he would feel bad. A sudden, something that would take me out instantly. Please??? Because I can't DO this anymore!

freaking failure

rebound. it happens all the time. there is a name for it. it is not real. it is not real. he is not interested and you don't want him to be because you can NOT be interested. because that would be very very very very bad. I am going to be sick. you are a fool and an idiot and did I mention a foolish idiot? No? well, you are. do NOT allow yourself to be interested because there is absolutely nothing to this and there can't ever be.

but it is nice to have a man pay attention to me :( It is nice to feel wanted instead of feeling discarded like I've felt for the past 6 weeks. It is nice thinking maybe I could capture a man's attention - even if he is only saying things just to be nice to an old lady. it is nice thinking maybe I'm not dead yet.


arrrggh... so why do I find myself smiling when I think about him? why do I suddenly realize that it has been days and days since I checked my other email, to see if there might be a letter? Why, when I think about spending time with him, do I feel the rush of anticipation, the wash of warm feelings, the flood of excitement?

no, no, no, no, no

he is my friend and that is all; if I let myself feel ANYthing else it will be pure pain.

What am I? 13 years old? I can control this. I have to.

Ack, he showed up in my dreams last night. This is SO not good. He is my FRIEND dammit and that is going to be completely ruined. :( And it'll take down my other friendships when it crashes.

Though, when I think about it, I guess I really don't have what I'd call "friends," there. People I like a lot and would like to be friends with, yes.

In any case, I am setting myself up for a world of hurt and yet I don't stop it. We want completely different things, we are quite incompatible and there is no way any of that is going to change.

I cannot let myself be interested in him, I need to make my self not be attracted to him, I need to not spend time with him. But I like spending time with him. He makes me feel good about myself.

Until later, when I get to thinking about it, and realize what exactly I am doing. And I realize how terribly terribly stupid I am. (Idiot idiot idiot) (with absolutely NO self control) And I realize how little I must think of myself to acept this, which goes against all my standards and all my morals and all my beliefs.

So I'm an idiot with no self control and no self esteem and no morals. And as soon as I ruin this, no friends.

Yep, a lot of positive pick-me-up thoughts going on here.

Auggghhhh, the thought had never crossed my mind: what if he develops feelings for me too? I can NOT be responsible for causing him more hurt. I care far too much about him. It simply can't happen. It's not likely to happen, knowing him, and knowing me, but still, he is vulnerable. If I hurt him it will be HORRIBLE.

I want to throw up. Because I'm already more than half gone already. Run away, run away, run away! I would wish I were dead if I didn't feel so darn good. This warm, floating feeling is so nice.


He is such a playboy - which I hate. I hate knowing that I am nothing special, just one more in a very long chain. I hate knowing that he will not even remember me. Every word he has said to me, he has said (and is probably currently saying) to dozens of other women.

So it hard for me to reconcile that with the man that I know, who is warm and personable and thoughtful and (ohdarnit; I'm starting to cry. I've already fallen.) The man I know most definitely has emotions and feelings, the man I know is not some slick-talking weasel. The man I know is so good, so very kind, so generous, so wonderful.

I allowing myself to be completely blinded by my feelings for him. I don't want to be another notch on his bedpost. (Not an apt analogy; his bed would be reduced to kindling.) I don't want to know that as soon as he sends me away, he hooks up with the next one in line.

But I have SEEN this man hurt. I know how very miserable he was when his girlfriend left. And while I know he could never love me like that, I can see that he might transfer some of that emotion from her toward anybody who is supportive of him right now.

So what I'm saying is I don't want to be with a man who doesn't care for me; I want a real relationship. And yet I am terrified that this man might start to care for me because I do NOT want to hurt him. Or be hurt myself, come to think of it. And I know that every relationship ends in hurt. I have to do everything I can to avoid hurting him. He is too precious to hurt. So logically, it follows that... oh. I should say goodbye right now, shouldn't I?

*very, very unhappy*

And then I hear thing like I heard tonight and think, HOW could I think I meant anything? When I put two and two together, clearly I'm not the only one he has on the string. Hell, he made no bones about that from the beginning, said months ago he didn't believe in monogamy. It isn't as if he ever misled me. I wanted to think I was special. But most assuredly, I am not. I want to throw up.

But at least now I know that I don't have to worry about hurting him any!

Can I handle falling in love with a man who won't ever love me back?

WHY couldn't we have just stayed friends?? :( :( :( :( Because idiot that I am, I thought I could distract him in order to take his mind off his troubles. I was trying to help him, because I loved him as a friend. And it backfired and blew up in my face and look at me now.

And realistically, it was impossible anyway.We are SO not right for each other. I am most definitely NOT his type.

He would run away screaming if he knew how I felt about him.

and Helllloooo? What am I even talking about? All we do is spend a little time with each other (ok, a lot of time) but it isn't as if we have gone out or anything. I'm sure he doesn't consider me anything more than a casual friend.

Rationally, I know that is much better.


I'm going to go away and feel sorry for myself now. Again! *laughing at herself for always being this way*

I need to get my life in order. I need to figure out how to get my emotions in order. Clearly I very much want to love and be loved. And clearly it isn't going to happen, not in any healthy sort of way. What the heck is love, anyway? And why do I think I need it? Why would I want it? My experience with it before has always ended in pain. WHY would I want to subject myself to that? Ah yes, before the pain comes the most lovely delicious incredible sensations. Before the pain comes contentment and peace and security and stability and warmth and solidity and yet still flying in the clouds.

Listen! The birds have started to sing. It feels like spring. Of course, that is very likely just because I am falling in love.

And I am struggling not to tell him. Oh, I want to look at him and tell him. "You are incredible. I love you."

WHY?? Why do I get into situations that I know are going to end badly?

I can tell you exactly how this is going to end:
I am going to go away crushed and heart broken and humiliated. He is going to be confused and feeling bad that he hurt me.

Someone wants to hold you close and look into your eyes and tell you he loves you.


yep. as soon as i surrendered, as soon as I just accepted his answer (above)and gave in to it, and told him, he took it back.

but really, when i look at it in perspective it doesn't matter. ok it does. just not as much as other things

*prays and prays and prays for him*

yep. as soon as i surrendered, as soon as I just accepted his answer (above)and gave in to it, and told him I loved him, he took it back.

but really, when i look at it in perspective it doesn't matter. ok it does. just not as much as other things

*prays and prays and prays for him*

I apologize to everybody for being such an idiot. For someone who is supposedly bright, I can be so, SO foolish. I screwed up and made some very bad choices. And I'm sorry. I hope I never do anything so stupid again.

I KNOW I shouldn't allow myself to be in love with him. He even admits that he lies to me. But oh! I can't help it; I love him. Even after the pain, even after the lies, even after being made a fool of... I can't help it.

I know it won't last. Eventually the pain and resentment will wear me down. But in the meantime, I want to just enjoy him, because he is so very charming and pleasant and sweet. And when he isn't causing me pain, he brings me so much enjoyment.

What kind of fool am I? Man #1 is now suddenly interested again. And man #2 is suddenly NOT interested. And yet long term, I would be miserable with man #1. I don't have to worry about that with man #2; there won't be any long term with him. Just constant worry whether he is ok.

this... is... my... thread.

interesting that things were good for awhile. And now i'm back to crying myself to sleep every night. Not the flat hopelessness of depression. But WFT do I do?

I was SO happy with him. Ohmigosh when I reread what we wrote, I was SO happy. And then I read what I've written here and remember what utter hell it was in Feb. and March. WHY would I even consider trusting a man who hurt me that badly? But darn it, we STILL can finish each other's sentences and think each other's thoughts. We have so much fun. But I must NOT trust him, cannot trust him; I KNOW he lies to me. He lies. And he hurts me.

And yet... what am I allowing to happen? My shoulder to cry on, whom I fell for this spring... oh yeah, there is already a lot of pain there. It is going to get worse. He also hurts me, though he doesn't mean to. Just by the nature of who he is. He is not going to change. So either I have to learn to not be hurt by his behavior, or learn to live with the pain, or simply walk away. I can't figure out how to do any of those things without significant pain.

But of course life IS pain. Anybody who says different is selling you something.

The man from when I started writing here and I will always have to be part of each others' lives, I think. I've had to accept that. But that doesn't mean I love him in the same way that I did. Content to be compatible exes... I like that.

However, I most certainly do not like the turn things are taking with the current man. He is avoiding me, ignoring me... rejecting me. I ought to be relieved, right? The pain was getting worse, the pain of no security. Clearly I have insecurity issues anyway, and the man was stoking that fire. How can you feel secure in a relationship when there is no commitment involved? He said he loved me. Once again, HE was the one who started that. And then took it back. And then declared it. And then took it back. And yet, despite all the waffling, I wanted to believe him.

And when he asked me to go live with him... Where did that come from? The man has a dozen girlfriends on the string, women who are former/future lovers. He must have been joking; that's the only rational explanation.

And now we go days and days without seeing each other. He prefers to... well, do just about anything than to spend time with me.

I am still in denial of course. Still kind of numb.

WHY did I let myself fall for him? How STUPID am I?

I have either hurt him or bored him or angered him or just run out of time or... I don't know.

I want him to be happy. And I see how miserable he would be if I asked him for monogamy. And I see how miserable I am and will continue to be in an "open" relationship.

Ah wait, I keep thinking there are decisions left in my hands. But I always forget the bad... and the bad news here is, that he has already made his decisions. This is not a current relationship; from all indications I've received the past week, this relationship is history as well. He is finished with me.

Ah. I knew I was just a transition person, right? And now he can have a clear mind and decide what he wants to do with is life next.

And my job is to step back into the role of supportive friend. And to keep praying for him. And to keep loving him fiercely... but to force that love back into platonic love, into fraternal love.

I hope I can do that. I do it a lot, suppressing my feelings to try to spare somebody else pain. Stuffing one emotion into the guise of another. But I don't do it well. And it really hurts me... like I am exploding, the seams will burst.

But I can do it if I have to. I HAVE to. I said it before, and it is ever so much truer now than it was then: he is too precious to hurt.
I love him.

what an interesting turn of events. I came back from an absense to discover that he has asked another to move in. He asked me to move in, not even three weeks before he announced that she was moving in. I found out about it by reading it in public.

what an interesting turn of events. I came back from an absense to discover that he has asked another to move in. He asked me to move in, not even three weeks before he announced that she was moving in. I found out about it by reading it in public.

and the worst part is that I just kept swallowing his lies... I forgave him for dumping me... forgave him for deserting me for another woman... forgave him for not caring that I miscarried his baby...

and then he lied to me again.

I cannot seem to forgive him anymore. I can't get past this. It is killing me.

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