ALBINO SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
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October 13, 2004
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First again?
Posted by: penny | October 13, 2004 at 10:09 AM
*Strange little victory dance to the well-known tune 'Two Firsts In A Row, How Cool Is That'*
Posted by: penny | October 13, 2004 at 10:10 AM
And he still killed the squirrel. That's worth double points.
Posted by: Kokob | October 13, 2004 at 10:14 AM
Triple. Forgot it was albino.
Posted by: Kokob | October 13, 2004 at 10:15 AM
But how many points is a squirrel worth anyway? I can't find it in my WeightWatchers booklet...
Posted by: penny | October 13, 2004 at 10:16 AM
I hate to "toot my own bugle," but I called this yesterday when I pointed out the posibility that Homeland Security was replacing ordinary squirrels with Homeland Android Security Squirrels who are hell-bent on taking embarrasing photos of me in the shower.
Now they're derailing defenseless teenage drivers. What do I have to do before people put a stop to this?
First it's teenagers, next they'll be stealing your toddlers' candy!
Posted by: Federal Duck | October 13, 2004 at 10:17 AM
This just in:
The albino squirrel was found clutching pictures of an individual nude in the shower, though the person's features were obscured by tire marks. The squirrel was believed to be heading for an internet cafe.
Posted by: Kokob | October 13, 2004 at 10:21 AM
I'm tired of seeing This is for my big fat ex-wife's . . . auctions. Let's see some creativity from the ladies!
Here's a start: "This auction is for my ex-husband's _____. I thought he was cute, but after we got married _______, lost his job, _______ and now spends all his time ___________! Then I met an old ex-boyfriend/cute stranger (choose one), and _________! I don't feel bad about my ex, because ________, and he married a big fat _____________, who is now ________ and ________!
Posted by: Mahatma Kane Jeeves | October 13, 2004 at 10:44 AM
Fed: I think I would like it less if you were to toot someone else's bugle. That's just gross.
Posted by: artist formerly known as mudstuffin | October 13, 2004 at 10:45 AM
Kamikaze Albino Squirrel...
Posted by: etc. | October 13, 2004 at 10:47 AM
I first read it as tooting your own bulge, Fed... but that's just me.
*toot*
Posted by: Leetie | October 13, 2004 at 10:55 AM
Wasn't just you Leetie.
Just sayin.....
Posted by: Mr.Fisher | October 13, 2004 at 11:07 AM
If I could do that, I'd never leave the house.
*toot*
Posted by: Federal Duck | October 13, 2004 at 11:08 AM
Another outstanding graduate of the Billy Joel Driving Academy!
Posted by: Lairbo | October 13, 2004 at 11:08 AM
I think that kid swerved because he was tooting his bulge.
Posted by: MeganBNL | October 13, 2004 at 11:09 AM
What's wrong with tooting a bugle?
Posted by: Vladimir Pootin' | October 13, 2004 at 11:09 AM
ALBINO SQUIRREL TERRORISM wbagnfab
Posted by: whitey | October 13, 2004 at 11:12 AM
Perry Mason: "Is it not TRUE, Mr. Freemont, that you in fact HATED the Albino Squirrel?! That you were not at all intending to AVOID the accident?! That you, in FACT, swerved to HIT the Albino Squirrel?!"
Freemont: "Ok! I admit it! It's true! I hated that foul rodent! Ever since Lana left me to gather up acorns with that little pasty white b@stard with his great pointy teeth!"
Posted by: Boris | October 13, 2004 at 11:16 AM
Need a hand, Ducky?
*toot*
Posted by: Leetie | October 13, 2004 at 11:25 AM
Vladimir Pootin'
song lyrics disputin'
Fed Ducks a tootin'
new poet recruitin'
Posted by: artist formerly known as mudstuffin | October 13, 2004 at 11:27 AM
"Police said it is likely the teen will be charged with failure to control his vehicle."
What, no Florida driver's license for this kid?
Posted by: Jeff P. | October 13, 2004 at 11:28 AM
ARTHUR:
What, behind the albino squirrel?
TIM:
It is the albino squirrel.
ARTHUR:
You silly sod!
TIM:
What?
ARTHUR:
You got us all worked up!
TIM:
Well, that's no ordinary albino squirrel!
ARTHUR:
Ohh.
TIM:
That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
ROBIN:
You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
TIM:
Look, that squirrel's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
GALAHAD:
Get stuffed!
TIM:
He'll do you up a treat, mate.
GALAHAD:
Oh, yeah?
ROBIN:
You mangy Scots git!
TIM:
I'm warning you!
ROBIN:
What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM:
He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR:
Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS:
Right! Silly little bleeder. One squirrel stew comin' right up!
TEENAGE DRIVER:
*tooting his bugle*
Posted by: Federal Duck | October 13, 2004 at 11:29 AM
A Florida driver loses control of his vehicle, runs off of the road, and ends up in a stranger's kitchen. Subsequently, the driver will cuss the homeowner to a fare-thee-well becuase he had the temerity to placea house in the exact spot where he intended to crash.
Posted by: waterboy | October 13, 2004 at 11:32 AM
FedDuck
All your bulge are belong to us.
I think that "tout le bulge" ("all your bulge", en France, according to Babelfish), would be a terrific, all-purpose catch-phrase.
Posted by: Lairbo | October 13, 2004 at 11:45 AM
BULLWINKE ARRESTED ON MORALS CHARGE IN KETTERING, OHIO.
"He failed to control his squirrel" police charge.
Posted by: jamester | October 13, 2004 at 11:50 AM
'Tout le bulge!' is great! I may just use that to replace my usual all-purpose catch-phrase, "More cowbell!"
Posted by: MeganBNL | October 13, 2004 at 12:04 PM
'Tout le bulge!' - thats way better then vive la France! - a call in to their tourism board is definitely required.
Posted by: iolite | October 13, 2004 at 12:35 PM
You'd think I'd have learned to keep my quacker shut by now. We started with a random innocuous bugle tooting, progressed to carnal references, changed some letters, translated it into french, elected it a catchphrase, and are planning to alert a foreign country about it.
I love this blog. :}
Posted by: Federal Duck | October 13, 2004 at 01:19 PM
without a witness or video footage of this accident we cannot be sure that the squirrel didn't give the teen driver misleading traffic directions, or in some way encourage him to drive in the wrong direction. albino squirrels can be particularly wily regarding the intent of their directives and in fact are considered the politicians of the squirrel kingdom. in a society based on the rule of law and the right to face your accuser, let us lament this squirrels passing, as a missed opportunity to know the truth.
Posted by: jason | October 13, 2004 at 02:38 PM
Albino Squirrel: Turn the wheel. Teen Driver: Huh? Who's there?White Squirrel: Does it matter? Just turn the wheel.16-year-old Driver: I must be going crazy...Squirrel Blanche: All the more reason to turn the wheel.riveT enDer: Wait... but why?boilin' quArrelS: Because then you can get help. After all, nobody will doubt you're crazy if you crash into that house. And you need help. You think you hear albino squirrels talking to you.Tean Drivver: But... I'm not crazy... you used the correct "you're" ... crazy people's voices don't do that...El Bino Squrrel:Yore rongTene Drivel:No! You...Alquilar: Guud soah phar...Teen Drivinator: No!Al, Buy no Squrrel:If you won't do it by choice, you'll do it by FORCE!Woman who owns the home: NOOO!Aquilar: Hey, yoar not in euor house right now; you won't be hurt.Woman who owns the home: Really? Whew!Aquilar: You think you've got problems? reneviht keeps misspelling my name!Albino Skvirrel: Hey, stop! This is supposed to be about me and what's his 16-year-old name!
Posted by: reneviht | October 13, 2004 at 03:22 PM
After reading reneviht's script, I'm thinking that squirrel must be friends with Frank the Rabbit.
Posted by: qetzal | October 13, 2004 at 04:02 PM
Wait! My parents live in Kettering, Ohio. They are currently out of town. Uhm... could someone go check on my parents house for me?
Posted by: alanboss | October 13, 2004 at 05:45 PM
Damn! I meant "parent's." Why do I always wait to proofread until after I hit Post?
Posted by: alanboss | October 13, 2004 at 05:47 PM
huh, I thought Olney, Illinois was the only place you could find albino squirrels.
My mistake.
Posted by: slyeyes | October 13, 2004 at 06:37 PM
*toot*
Posted by: punky brewster | October 13, 2004 at 07:01 PM
The Albino Squirrel Preservation Society
"In the constant pursuit of albino squirrel rights."
"[Albino squirrels] are also widely known to bring good luck on exams."
albinosquirrel.com
Posted by: hmmm | October 13, 2004 at 07:02 PM
thank you, reneviht, for providing the link
Posted by: hmmm | October 14, 2004 at 05:00 AM
I'm sure there was no drinking involved.
Bill: Hey ! There's another one !
Ted: Excellent ! Everybody but Bill take another Jello shot !
Posted by: Jack the Jello Shooter | October 14, 2004 at 06:10 AM
I'm about to go hunt squirrels tommorrow, too. There's one less. Darn.
You do have to give some credit for this one, though.
This kid gets double points for the house and the squirrel, plus bonus for the squirrel being in season and the garage caving in. I'd like to see a picture of that one.
Posted by: Alex D. | October 14, 2004 at 07:40 AM
nobody swerves for a squirrel
Posted by: ceeg | October 14, 2004 at 10:51 AM
There are detached squirrel tails in my driveway, courtesy my cats.....but..they dont really scare me.
Posted by: Mary | October 14, 2004 at 08:13 PM
And the squirrel still died?
He even sucks at swerving.
Posted by: Shiz | October 15, 2004 at 12:29 PM
Almost 1 year later....
Tout le Bulge!!!
*wanders off to get a hobby*
Posted by: Federal Duck | November 09, 2005 at 10:05 AM