YOUR MISSION

Should you decide to accept it: Buy Twinkies, and HURRY.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

Comments

[Bill Cook]

Big fan of twinkies, are you Judy?

[Federal Duck]

Mmmmm. Twinkies.

[King Don]

So much for the Twinkie defense.......

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Mmmmm. Factory Made Baby Fat

[punky brewster]

And the good news is that you can buy Twinkies and Wonder Bread in bulk today before they go bankrupt and keep 'em in your car (or cupboard) for five years and they will be just as good (or the same ... depending on your tastes) as they would be if you ate them today ... trust me on this one ... I speak from experience.

[SteveB]

Okay, that eBay link to the baby fat thing was a little gross. And you get extra points because there was information about breast augmentation!

[punky brewster]

MKJ ... but is it fried? I ain't good if it ain't fried ...

[Jeff Meyerson]

Julia Child says: "Save the Twinkies!"

Mahatma, are you sure that baby fat picture wasn't an outtake from There's Something About Mary? Oh well, off to eat lunch.

[Christobol]

How does one go bankrupt making twinkies and wonderbread? The raw ingredients cost about 11 cents a ton, and, as Punky points out, there are basically no expensive storage requirements.

In fact, I thought all the twinkies and wonder bread in the universe were created one weekend in June of '72 and they've just been selling off inventory ever since.

Oh well, at least Moon Pies are safe...

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Lou: Is that wedding cake topper wife goosing the husband or taking his wallet?

[Lou Bricant]

Hmmm.... good question. Perhaps looking for the Final Twinkie?

[Corn]

Oops, looks like I linked to the middle of that, somehow. Go to the first post.

[SchadeBoy]

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, the Twinkie was my favorite snack item from Hostess as a child, and I still prefer them over any of the other options. On the other hand, I'm currently doing low-carb (and it's working) so I am apparently contributing to their demise.

[Graz]

Punky's right....fried Twinkies are great!

Fried baby fat is good also, but you have to sprinkle it with cornstarch before cooking.

[Polly]

Bite your tongue, Corn! Ummm.....If you have one. Nothing should be low carb unless it was born that way. I wonder if primates are lower in carbs than Twinkies?

Welp, time to get that frozen monkey out of the freezer for another field experiment!

[Polly]

*Places monkey on one side of carb scale...which resembles the Scales of Justice...and Twinkie on other side. Twinkie drops like rock and monkey flies off other end like a catapulted pumpkin.*

Twinkies win!

[Guin]

*I* sent this, too! :( And what about Hostess Cupcakes - the chocolate ones with the white squiggle on the top???

[Guin]

ALSO -- WHAT ABOUT DEEP-FRIED TWINKIES? Huh? These poor guys will go out of business!

[shauna]

I notice on the twinkies wacky site they have a countdown to the twinkies 75th birthday......195 days and counting....but only if someone saves the twinkies from demise. Anyone game?

[MzVette]

hmmm Deep Fried Twinkies....

*looks at one* ACK! *heart attack*

[Lairbo]

Twinkies new ad slogan: As Valuable as They are Nutritious!

Tina
Not to worry, Twinkies made before the birth of Britney Spears will outlast her career, her lifetime and perhaps even the earthly existence of the cheerfully undead Keith Richards. At least the cockroaches will have something to eat.

Anyone remember the Spy Magazine article in which they tried (unsuccessfully, if i recall) to destroy a Twinkie? It was pretty funny and had accompanying pix of the various experirments.

[Spud]

I found MKJs link to the the baby fat doll implants disturbing. Do we really want sickos fondling the bottoms of "collector dolls" because they are so realistic? (And that originating from here in Utah too!) What is the world coming to???

[queensbee]

what's gonna be next -- Ho-Ho's?

[Spud]

I don't normally eat twinkies, but after seeing this, I went right out to the vending machine and got one, just for old times sake. The "best if purchased by" date is kinda smudged, but it looks like Oct 12,1974. Yum!

[Mike Weasel]

The only way to destroy a Twinkie is to cast it into the fires of Orodruin.

[SchadeBoy]

Lou,
I've seen that guy's web site before. It's a bit creepy, if you ask me.

[Lily]

*The only way to destroy a Twinkie is to cast it into the fires of Orodruin.*

My guess is that the Elves would never allow this 'cause the only thing that (besides a Twinkie) is more unchanged by braving the elements, battles to the death with Cave Trolls and epic journeys with no shower facilities, is Legolas' hair. Same color too.

[Lou Bricant]

SchadeBoy,

Good ole Pixie Pan and his merry site have been a favorite of us Barry-Blog-Heads for some time now. I think he even not-so-merrily wrote to Dave at one point, or posted on this blog. Can anyone help with a link?

[judi]

mikey, you're SUCH a geek :) come over here and gimme a kiss.

[Christobol]

A long, long time ago I can still remember how
that twinkie used to make me smile
and I knew if I had my chance
I’d never lose my twinkie trance
and maybe I'd be happy for a while
but then September made me shiver
with every paper I delivered,
bad news on the door step,
I couldn't take one more step,
I can't remember if I cried
I know I hoped the newsman lied
About that cake, crème filled inside
the day, the twinkie, died. So...

CHORUS
Bye, bye Great American Cake
drove my Go-Kart to the Walmart
to buy all I could take
and good ol' boys were struggling not to cry
singin this will be the day that I die,
this will be the day that I die.

Did you write the recipe
and can I get a clean copy,
if I promise I will share,
and do you believe in great snack cakes,
or will your childhood you forsake,
and can you teach me how to just not care?
Well I know that you're in love with them
cuz I saw you hork them in the gym
you ate until your gut swelled
and loved the way that they smelled.
I was a lonely teenage bronkin buck
with a Dave Barry haircut and a pick up truck
but I knew I was out of luck,
the day, the twinkie, died.
I started singin...

Chorus

Maybe in ten years we’ll bring them back
and eat ourselves to a heart attack
but that's not how it’s s’posed to be,
when Dave Barry sings it's quite a scene
in a coconut bra he got from our queen
and a voice as good as you or me,
oh and while the crowd is getting down,
Dave Barry wears a wicked frown,
the mosh pit starts to shakin’,
while Judi munches on bacon,
and while Ridley reads a book on Pan,
the bakers all swear, to a man
to keep on cooking, while they can,
the day, the twinkie, died. We were singin...

Chorus

Loss of sugar and a cry of ‘Booger’
the snacks that I’ll always prefer
eight hundred years of shelf-life,
and sweeter than a good wife
the bakers said they’d always last
and we never thought their time was passed,
now the filling sprays out a plume
filling the air with sweet perfume
and we all got up to dance
oh but we never got the chance
oh as the bakers tried to take the pan
the bank called in the old tax man
do you recall what was the plan,
the day, the twinkie, died. We started singin...

Chorus

Oh and there we were all in one place,
a generation lost in space
with no time left to start again,
so come on, Dave be nimble, Dave be quick,
Someone save Hostess before I’m sick
because snack cakes are my only friend,
oh and as I watch the final stage,
my hands just clinch in fists of rage,
no angel born in hell
could break that banker's spell
and as the factories closed their doors
and wallstreet cheered the corporate whores
I saw the banker laughing, eating s’mores,
the day, the twinkie, died. He was singin...

Chorus

I met a girl who ate a lot
and I asked her where her cakes she got
but she just burped and turned away,
So I went down to that bakery store
where I'd bought my twinkies years before
the man said the twinkies were all gone to stay
and in the streets the children screamed,
the lovers cried for cakes baked and creamed
but not a word was spoken,
the ovens all were broken
and the food that I like the best,
cream filled sponge cake, on a breast
I never again will be blessed,
the day, the twinkie, died, so I’m a singin...
Chorus

[Guin]

*wonders when Christobol will be nominated for a Grammy....*

[SchadeBoy]

Chris,
That takes the cake!

Hey! My first bad pun on this blog! Woohoo! Have I officially joined the club now?

[punky brewster]

*falls at the feet of our King Christobol and cries*

We're not worthy.

We're not worthy.

[Polly]

BRAVO, CHRISTOBOL!!! That was a sugar-loaded treat!

[Jeff P.]

Christobol: That's better than Madonna's version, but then again, that isn't saying much.

And to the rest of you: I am disappointed that no one has yet made the obligatory "creme filled" joke. C'mon folks, get your minds back in the gutter!

[Polly]

Hey! My first bad pun on this blog! Woohoo! Have I officially joined the club now?

Come here, Schadeboy.

*Smacks in head*

Okay, you're official! Congratulations!

[Lairbo]

Crstbl
Very impressive. Now try it with the lyrics from "Starry, Starry Night".

[Federal Duck]

Chris,

I've been impressed by your creative rants many times when I didn't say anything, but that was just beautiful, man.

[CADGeek]

Chris and Fed,
You and Fed should get together and write something. I'm sure you two together could give Dave a run for his money!

[Lily]

Wow, that would make a music video I would actually watch.

[slowlayne]

I was going to make a "cream filled twinkie" joke about Elle's boyfriend but I thought it would be in bad taste.

[Jeff Meyerson]

guin: Here's your (not you're) deep-fried Twinkie story.

You'll notice it started -- like so many of the inventions most important to the survival of the race -- in Brooklyn. It was actually a fish & chips restaurant run by Brits. One day they were bored and thought, "Hmm, what if we deep-fried this Twinkie?" And they say guys don't have goals! Thus was culinary history made.

Here's their site and you can even send in suggestions as to what they should deep fry next. (Currently they have a Fried Atkins Diet Bar and a Twice Fried Cherry Pie, as well as the Twinkies, Mars Bars, Bounty, Twix, Snickers, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. They are deeply twisted.)

And when you go to the site the first thing you hear is John Cleese. What could be better?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Here is the original fried Twinkies article from 2002. Notice he looks a lot like a younger English Dave Barry.

[Federal Duck]

slowlayne,

"elle's boyfriend," "cream filled," and "bad taste" in one sentence is a good enough joke for me.

*Tries to come up with an actual joke that wouldn't get me thrown off the site*

[Jeff Meyerson]

Christobol is so good we almost take him for granted until he tops himself. Punky's right, we're not worthy -- but we're glad he's ours.

[crash]

Twinkies can keep you alive in case of Nuclear Holocaust. But since after such a catastrophe only cockroaches and Cher will be left, I'm sure this will worry her greatly.

[Susan]

Chris-wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

[Boo Augustus]

*lighter raised, swaying back and forth, wondering why co-workers are looking at me funny*

[Susan]

It just occured to me, I don't think I have ever had a Twinkie. When it comes to snack cakes, I've always prefered Tastycakes, or some Little Debbie cakes.

*plans a trip to the store for Twinkies*

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Something tells me this is not going to be an exciting read . . .

[Blue Meanie]

There once was a guy named Christobol
Whose writings were quite irresistable
The crowd went berserk
As it pondered his work
Renowned from Texas to Istanbul

(Sorry Slowlayne, now I'm encroaching on your act)

[Mad Scientist]

Christobol - Wow Speechless. Bravo Bravo *tosses coconut Bra on stage

Weasel - you got a kiss from Judi!!! Wow I won't be worthy to be in your presence tomorrow!

LA bloglits invade!!!

[Blue Meanie]

There once was a Gurl name of Bangi
Who wrote a limerick quite slangy
She warned to defend
My encroaching rear end
From one of the bloglit gang

-y

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Well, here's a fanfare on the trombone for all you creative folks!

[punky brewster]

My nickname as a kid was Little Debbie Snack Cake ... not because I resembled a snack cake, or because I ate too many, but because we share a name.

As I got older, that nickname took on a whole new meaning.

[Federal Duck]

Punky,

Your (not you're) real name is Ms. Cake? That had to be tough in middle school.

[Christobol]

That's just weird.

My nickname as a kid was "Super Twinky Boom Boom Camacho Thunder Monkey Almighty Hound Jello"

And that was because I ate too many Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

[punky brewster]

Duck,

No silly. My last name is Snack ...

See, now it's not funny cause I had to go and explain it to ya.

Sheesh.

[Federal Duck]

My nickname was Stinky-Thumbs Arbuckle. And my name is not even Arbuckle. Weird.

[punky brewster]

Bangi ... Super Twinky.

It made him really popular in College.

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Twinkie-scarfing ex-wife gives guy ugly-ass pen

[Homer]

Ms. Snack ... Ms. Cake ...
feeling hungry now

[Smoodle]

Lou, I think it was Tinkerbell that got mad at us. I don't remember if Peter Pan did too.

[Federal Duck]

MKJ,

Did you read the entire post for that pen? If I'd known about it, I would have bid on it. That's quality entertainment right there.

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Federal: I did. Great stuff. Ugly pen though.

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Ya gotta love this pen guy:

" ... So she had this friend, who I will call "Laura", because that was her name, who was very odd. This was her best friend in the whole world. Brainless as well, I might add. She wore dark makeup and black clothes always, and could have been Marilyn Manson for all I know. She had a boyfriend that was a complete psycho, who loved to have bonfires in his back yard, about 3 1/2 inches from his house, and got drunk and threw explosive spray cans into the fire to hear them blow up. Another Yale graduate . . . "

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

I heart ebay

[MOTW]

Really? We hadn't noticed, MKJ. \(^.^)/
There are times when someone else will post an e-Bay item and we're all thinking they're just attempting to be like you.

[Brian B]

But MKJ,

Do you REALLY ¢¾ Ebay?

(Just runnign a symbols test)

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Aw shucks MOTW, the more the merrier.

You should see the stuff I ALMOST post, but change my mind because:
"Although we do not have any obligation to monitor reader comments posted to this Weblog , we reserve the right at all times to review them and to remove any information or materials that are unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable to bla bla bla . . . "

[Brian B]

Apparently, I can't import symbols from Word without them going to some strange combination of ASCII. That was supposed to be a heart symbol.

Maybe it would have also helped if I was RUNNING a symbols test, not RUNNIGN.

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Then there are the things that are just too creepy for words

(words such as "Chevy Caprice used to transport evidence from the crime scene of Jeffrey Dahmer's appartment")

[MOTW]

So, do you just put "creepy" into e-Bay's search engine, or do you login and it knows your (not you're) profile?

[Lily]

*Didn't you know? Elvish lembas are actually twinkies.*

Oh, I thought it was the Elves themselves that were actually twinkies. My bad.

[MOTW]

If you put "twinkies" into e-Bay's search, there's a bunch of memorabilia there. I think it would be great if someone would pick up on punky's suggestion and market actual Twinkies (circa 1974) and start bidding at $0.99. Heck, put a whole carton of the things up for sale.
"Pre-Bankruptcy Claim, Vintage Twinkies. The ultimate for the twinkie collector buff! New in package (see closeup of expiration date, photo not altered). Don't miss out on these beauties!"

[MOTW]

* sorry. creativity's shot lately. getting over bronchitis *

[Corn]

C-bol, that was awesome. Sure beats Weird Al's "Star Wars Phantom Menace" version. (And since Weird Al frequently has junk food themes in his parodies, I'm surprised he didn't think of it.)

[SchadeBoy]

Oh, MAN!  I got my first bad pun AND got banged in the head by
Polly?!

This can't be happening.  It's too good to be true.

I fear that I will soon wake up and have to deal with real life, soon.

[Jessica R.]

The first time I read this article I misread the name of the company. I thought it said that "Interstate BATTERIES" makes Twinkies. I sure am glad that I had it wrong! I can't imagine tasting a cream filling made with battery acid, blech!

[SchadeBoy]

You guys gotta stop posting all these fried junk food web links! I'm on a low-carb diet and this is not helping!

[Brainy Jello]

99

[Pilsenerman]

Four words: foam rubber and spackle.

[Poldu]

101st! Neener! Booger!

[SchadeBoy]

I don't think Cbol should sing it. I'd hate to have this illusion of him being the creative god that he is be shattered by the discovery that he can't sing. Better to imagine he can, than to have proof that he can't.

Not that I'm saying he can't sing. Of course, I've never heard (or seen, for that matter) him sing. So I wouldn't know. But just better to not take the chance.

[Leetie]

I nearly choked on my dinner at "the eating channel" on that ugly pen auction!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Mahatma, I hope Polly saw that great "association" item. I mean, how cool would that be to drive up to a crime scene of crispy critters and drop the bit about the car being used for Jeffrey Dahmer body parts? For someone in Polly's line of work it doesn't get better than that.

[pelagicsal]

Christobol-
A year's supply of Twinkies to you for that masterpiece of song parody. Thank you for favoring us with it!

[slyeyes]

OK, THIS LOW CARB THING HAS GONE WAAAAYY TOO FAR WHEN THEY TAKE OUR TWINKIES.

*tries to imagine a world dealing with munchies without Twinkies.*

*thinks of calling all gals who lived on 5th floor Haney Hall at ISU in the '70's and forming a support group*

[Aimee]

Amen to that! I am so sick of the low carb revolution taking over all the good food. It has gone way too far, Twinkies are an icon, and now they are going to be gone forever.

Crying a small river...

[alanboss]

Well, God knows I've done my part. Although I prefer their other fine product, Sno-Balls.

[alanboss]

Just went back and "sang" Chris' song al the way through. Damn! I'm all teary now....

[SchadeBoy]

Okay, I admit it. I am the sole cause for Twinkies going away. Being on a low-carb diet, I am ashamed that I have caused this unexpected side effect of losing weight. I am sorry, and beg y'all's forgiveness...

...wait...

...hey, even when I wasn't doing low-carb, I wasn't buying Twinkies! What are y'all blaming me for? The last time I bought a Twinkie was 1 year, 8 months, 16 days, 4 hours and 6 minutes ago!

But hey, take consolation in the fact that I predict that this low-carb revolution that's happening is going to quiet down after a bit. Everyone's making low-carb stuff. Most of it's junk, too. Naturally low-carb food is better than most of these low-carb variants of regular junk food. I think it's either going to stabalize and everyone will have a low-carb variant of their products, or it's all going to come crashing down and we'll be back to the old ways again.

I could be wrong. It's been known to happen.

[kim possible]

It is now my duty to copy, paste, read and sing, and otherwise spread the word of Christobol.

Although, I am worried about the company I keep, because my roommates just didn't GET the humor and creative genius of "American Twinkies" song.

sigh. Sometimes I worry that I am the only smart funny one in the midwest, and then....I find the Dave Barry BLOGITS!! I am home!!

(could anyone tell this is a perfect distraction from my political science reading? hope not...)

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Pilsenerman: "in partibus genitalibus titilliones producunt" WBAGNF . . . wait, no it wouldn't. Thanks for the article anyway.

You know, it's easy to eat well in England, all you have to do is have breakfast three times a day.

[Brian B]

Kim Possible,

I'm also from the midwest (although not particularly smart OR funny), so...I got nothin'.

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

I just realized, no more Twinkies?

What am I going to put in my deep fat fryer now?

[MOTW]

That's obvious: deep fat!

Hunter1 - Well, I'm all set for today's hunting trip! Got my canteen, binoculars, and my trusty elephant gun.

Hunter2 - Look out! A tiger!

ROAR! * claw, shred *

Hunter2, gasping - Why didn't you shoot that tiger with your gun?!

Hunter1 - Because that wasn't a trusty elephant ...

[Lairbo]

Anagrams for "Twinkie"

WINE KIT
NEW TIKI
WE INK IT
IKE TWIN

ps Crstbl
Your song parody has reduced two acquaintances of mine to helpless tears of laughter. I don't think my tickling them had anything to do with it.

[kim possible]

does anybody think that dave and ridley will stop in Oklahoma during their book tour?

*sigh*

too bad.

[???]

ty cristobol 4 helping me understand the twinkie