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September 23, 2004


There are security people everywhere, and police outside, and they keep closing the elevators, so I asked a hotel employee who the VIP was, and he said, quote, "I think it's some king from some place."


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Is it Elvis????

The King of Zanzibar is in town I hear

Elvis has left the building.

It's King Kong -- aaaargh!

*runs screaming from the room*

Could be King Henry, the Lionspleen.

Look for the guy who has a minstrel following him banging two coconuts together - that's a dead giveaway.

Maybe it's Stephen King! If so, you can do a quick Remainders gig tonight at the Sam's Club!

Maybe it's Larry.

could be Carole.

is it rodney king?

or of course just Carol

Check the hair. It's Don.


It MUST be a king!

Why, you ask?

'Cuz he hasn't got s(%#t all over him.


"Sorry sir, we're all booked."
"But I'm King."
"King? King of..?"
"Pain. See that little black spot on the sun, today? That's my soul up there."
"Ok... if you can just wait right over there we're gonna go ahead and get the royalty room all readied up for you."

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

possibly 'the Lion'? *checks nervously around for Disney legal reps on the hunt for copy right infringers*

Well I did fax the hotel about the King of blogs staying there....maybe they're referring to YOU Dave.

"Sir... please come with us."
"See that blue whale beached by a spring tide's ebb? That's my soul up there."
"Good. If you can just come with me."
"I'll always be King of Pain."
"Nice. I'm the Duke of Rashes. We need to head on back to the palace, ok?"


Curses, Brainy Jello! (reminds self to read before posting)

"Excuse me sir, we'll need you to drop to one knee and divert your gaze."

"But I'm Dave F#&*ing Barry"

"Yes, well this is His Royal Highness Majesty King Asshat the Third of Some Little Diseased Foreign Cesspool Island Way The Hell Out In The Ocean Somewhere."

"Where's Ashton? I'm being Punk'd, right?"

"You shall address him as Your Asshatedness"

Dave: You want me to tell him I hate his assness?
Minstrel: No. I meant 'Your Asshattedness'
Dave: But I don't have an asshat.
Minstrel: Not Your (or You're)! His.
Dave: Oh, him? Yes, I hate his asshattedness.

Cristobol and Federal are about to unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. They're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. They've just crossed over into the Dave Barry Blog Zone.


oops, sorry cop


doesn't Volkswagen make an Asshat?

MOTW: Considering the problems with the current system, I'm all for trying the watery tart lobbing a sword approach. I think, on November 4th, all of America should show up at, say, Boston Harbour, and then some watery tart, say, Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears, should throw a sword and the first person to get to it, wins. Congratulations President Phelps.

Not very familiar with being around a King. But, since I live near SoBe, I am really familiar with being around Queens.


"Hey Thad, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"What's up Tamara?"
"I'm afraid it's not working out."
"But. You. I haven't even asked you out."
"What? Oh jeese *pauses to vomit* No, I mean you working here."
"You're firing me?"
"Well, you just comped a Penthouse for a 'Big Earl'."
"So? He's a king for crap sakes."
"He claims to be 'Mattress King' of greater Louisville. It's in dispute. That other guy over there says that for sheer volume he sells more mattresses than Earl."
"Wow. I didn't know."
"Yeah. Well. Good luck with your script and all. Maybe this will be for the best."
"I don't see how. I'm already late with rent and they're gonna kick me out now that I got no job."
"Oh. I didn't mean for you. Bye."

The wife of Prince Michael of Kent is in Beverly Hills promoting a book. By the way, what's the penalty for saying 'booger' to a member of the Royal Family ?

I completly agree with rhealist! Except I wouldn't pick Britney or Christina... we need a big woman with some serious arms... Say one of the WWE chics?

I didn't know that kings stayed at the Super 8.

Or has our beloved presidential candidate gone all Super-Star on us and is now staying at a posh places where he can meet with foreign royalty.

Next thing you know he'll be marrying some condiment-fortune widow. Geez.

It is Nosmo King.

Chicken Al La?

Christobol has whole one-act plays going off in his head!

I have absolutely nothing to say here.

* what's the penalty for saying 'booger' to a member of the Royal Family ?

Guy 1) Crucifixion?
Guy 2) *nod*
Guy 1) Good.

Also, Dave, it would probably be a real boost for your campaign if you were able to get said monarch to endorse your candidacy.

Dave: Excuse me, Charles? Could you put this coconut bra on for a picture? It's for ..erm..charity.

Charles: Splendid! Be happy to. Do I need to take my bra off or what? Want me to flash a bit of lace panties?

Dave: Uh. No. Just kinda leave your clothes on Charles. The coconut thingy can just go over your shirt, if you don't mind.

Charles: You Americans! So strange. How's this?


Dave: Perfect. Please don't be offended by my running away. It's just... a deadline.

Charles: Cheerio!

And don't forget to have them hold a sign that says, "Upoma loves Shoeab" ;)

Leetie: is that an anagram gone horribly wrong?

I've already got said sign ready for Dave. You don't mind, do you? Hello?

*wonders why security has doubled at Sam's Town*

Ah yes, the honorable Some King from SomePlace. I visited SomePlace last summer but never got to meet the King, you are one lucky guy!


Mahatma, I know that you know what I know.

Maybe it's the President of Murray State University, F. King Alexander.

OR it's Neil Diamond's bongo player, King Errison.

or Queen Latifah.

......however, it's probably just someone who used that goofy royal name generator, the one that gave me the moniker of Viscountess of the Black Forest Savings and Loan.

It's ME

Moe: They shove a live snake up your asshat.

I just figured it was Dave -- they just don't know HE'S Dave!

I so love reading the blog when I'm eating lunch -- I sit in my office laughing my arse off! I've actually had people come in to see what I'm laughing about.

Christobol -- you are on a major roll today, clever man!

Maybe it's the King of Hearts? or Nat King Cole? (Or, Old King Cole!)

Ooo! If it's Old King Cole, are his Fiddlers Three with him?

Hey! Could be the Sultans of Swing or the Duke of Earl!

rhealist, I totally agree. That would be a good democratic way, plus it can't be much worse than who wins now. Okay, so it can, but at least we would all have a more valid whining reason than, "Hey, I voted for the other guy!"

King Tut
"Buried in his 'jammies!"

All together now . . .

Nevermind the king of something, have you seen Ellie Mae or Jethro?

"He gave his life, for tourism."

That would have made so much more sense if I had not posted prematurely...

"He gave his life, for tourism"

I understand he also has a condo made of stone-a....

The King of Kings?

Although I guess He wouldn't need a hotel room, or security, for that matter.

James "I'm king of the world" Cameron ???

Duchess of Prunes


Maybe it's the Burger King?

I don't believe it.

duke, duke, duke duke of earl,... or as they say in my old neighborhood - dukaoil.

Lets play match game.
See if U can get it at home.

I'm sofa "BLANK" we Todd did.

Contestant1: Shoes?
Contestant2: King?

psycho joe ... that's not nice.


but not nice.

(have no idea what p joe is talking about)

Hey! That Click'nBid sidebar just flipped me off!

maybe theyre filming another commercial for Budweiser...the king of beers?

Peter: Maybe this will help. There's this sofa company in my city called "Sofa King" And written on the side of all their vans is the phrase "Our prices are Sofa King Low!"

It's me baby, you know, The King. I'd give you a Rolex but I hocked it for a handfull of yellow jackets and a few reds, so here's a Swatch I found on the steps of Graceland.

Finally my dream is realized.
I am aknowledged by punky.

My life has a reason to continue.
All this posting, nothing but confused stares.

And then, Finally, a post.
I'm so happy.
Thank you all.

P.S. I too have one act plays in my head. But christobol's are admittedly funnier than mine.

Thank everyone. This is all the social interaction I have at all.


Oh crap...it's King Harvest! Run for your lives!
"Dancin' in the Moonlight...Everybody's feelin' warm and right..." AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEE!!

(doesn't Volkswagen make an Asshat?)

nope - they make a toe-rag. Not quite the same thing

It's The Return Of The, doncha know!

King Crimson?

MKJ: Rutab-a-e-a-ga Rutab-a-e-a-ga
Rutab-a-e-a-ga, etc.

Let's see:
Martin Luther King?
BB King?
King Arthur?
Return of the King?
King James?
Scorpion King?
Larry King?
King of the Hill?
Cash is King?

I can't resist appreciating the owners of this blog. Good information. Well Done.

Emory Reabs

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