TERRORISM UPDATE
Now the bastards are using gun-toting armadillos.
(Thanks to many people)
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Now the bastards are using gun-toting armadillos.
(Thanks to many people)
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Gun Toting Armadillos wbagnfarb.
Posted by: Federal Duck | September 22, 2004 at 06:36 AM
How the sexual loave upsurge be able to attain?
How indeed . . .
Posted by: Mahatma Kane Jeeves | September 22, 2004 at 06:37 AM
I actually hit an armadillo in TX once and darn near blew up my car. Those things are dangerous, and I feel the Federal Government isn't using them to their full military capacity.
Posted by: Federal Armadillo | September 22, 2004 at 06:38 AM
'It is illegal to import armadillos without a permit.' ...
hello, I'd like an armadillo permit please.
sorry, we can only issue halibut permits.
you have to go to the special spiny armored animal bureau, in adelaide. does your armadillo have a name, then?? Eric is taken.
who sends mounted armadillos through the mail anyway?
Posted by: queensbee | September 22, 2004 at 06:39 AM
Notice, I didn't say I hit the armadillo *with* my car. I actually hit it with my hand, and then randomly decided to try to blow up my car. I get bored sometimes; you know how it is...
Neener.
Posted by: Federal WhatTheHellEver | September 22, 2004 at 06:40 AM
Perhaps the gun-toting armadillos could fill in for the tired scarecows in national parks...
Posted by: Rachel | September 22, 2004 at 06:41 AM
Hey Fed, I'm coming after you. Got a gun now. AND a sheriff's badge.
Posted by: Eric the Armadillo | September 22, 2004 at 06:44 AM
When gun-toting armadillos are outlawed, only outlaws will have gun-toting armadillos.
Just wait till U.S. Customs stops the first taxidermized, gun-toting koala being shipped from Australia.
Posted by: Lairbo | September 22, 2004 at 07:05 AM
This product is the once only health card temperament and interest articles.
Please don't repeatedly emplay afterwards the use.
Posted by: Mahatma Kane Jeeves | September 22, 2004 at 07:06 AM
Rachel
In the name of equal time and fair play, I demand that someone create a figurine of a donkey violating an armadillo.
Posted by: Lairbo | September 22, 2004 at 07:08 AM
Lairbo
We don't have to portray donkeys in such a negative light. Everyone already knows that they're asses.
*runs for cover*
Posted by: Rachel | September 22, 2004 at 07:10 AM
How 'bout a plecostamus?
Posted by: Mahatma Kane Jeeves | September 22, 2004 at 07:20 AM
*Throws a stuffed, beer-drinking, gun-toting, donkey-violating armadillo at Rachel and Lairbo*
Posted by: Federal Duck | September 22, 2004 at 07:24 AM
Oh stuff it, Federal Duck! :)
OUCH!
Posted by: Rachel | September 22, 2004 at 07:27 AM
Clearly the CITE people do not understand capitalism.
By creating a worldwide demand for armadillos dressed as cowboys and mounted on boards, economic incentives result in a wave of armadillo ranches springing up throughout the American Southwest.
Soon, America's GNP doubles as the global mounted armadillo market explodes, and tax revenues from armadillo operations allow the US to eliminate the Ted Kennedy liquor deficit while armadillos move from the endangered list to the plenty-of-them list to the you-can-shoot-
the-annoying-pests-for-fun list.
Posted by: Christobol | September 22, 2004 at 07:28 AM
I want to know who'se going around stuffing all these armadillos?
(of course, that's a lot funnier if you realize that "stuffing" is a euphamism in Britain for having sex...)
Posted by: Higgy | September 22, 2004 at 07:38 AM
OK, wait a minute. I am totally not understanding this article. It's a gun-toting taxidermic stuffed animal, right? So, the armadillo is dead, right? And the gun it is holding is fake, right?
So what's the problem with Customs? It's illegal to import even a dead armadillo? I mean, it's not like it's going to breed and threaten the native animals or anything. And even if it's holding a real gun (and I'm not entirely sure how an armadillo's hand can hold a gun in the first place), it ain't going to be shooting anything.
This story makes no sense to me. Which, of course, makes it a perfect story for this blog!
Posted by: Corn | September 22, 2004 at 07:40 AM
Christobol,
Unfortunately, that's how the armadillos got to TX in the first place. A long time ago, my associates and I had the idea to breed armadillos for use as pack mules in the great felt mines of southern texas. We envisioned huge armadillo ranches stretching as far as the nose could smell (as far as the eye can see hadn't been invented yet).
Everything was planned perfectly, until one fateful night, a storm knocked out the power generators that supported the electrified fences around Armadillo Park. We believe that our IT guy was planning to sell armadillo embryos on the black market, but this is unproven due to his untimely demise in the Great Armadillo Revolution that ensued.
Our hopes were dashed, and even sprinkled, and we abandoned the armadillos to have their way with Texas, which is still evident today.
Neener.
Posted by: Federal Duck | September 22, 2004 at 07:42 AM
Sure wish they had a photo of the little guy.
A stuffed and armed armadillo would make one heck of a screensaver ...
Posted by: punky brewster | September 22, 2004 at 07:43 AM
I didn't know that, Higgy.
Well, that explains why our English foreign exchange student sprayed sweet potates all over the Thanksgiving table when my sister asked him if he wanted stuffing.
We just thought he didn't like American food.
Posted by: Lily | September 22, 2004 at 07:45 AM
Punky, ask and ye shall recieve.
Posted by: Graz | September 22, 2004 at 07:52 AM
Graz ... do I still have two wishes left?
Posted by: punky brewster | September 22, 2004 at 08:01 AM
*hands in pants*
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Erm..struggling manfully?"
"Just run the frikken TPS reports, ok?"
"Yes sir."
Posted by: Christobol | September 22, 2004 at 08:04 AM
Mahatma, all I can say is WTF? "Till doesn not sober up." That says it all.
Graz, thanks! Great, great picture! I gotta get me one of them. Is importing them to New York legal?
Of course Stuffed Armadillos would also bagnfarb, though not as good a name as Gun-Toting Armadillos.
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | September 22, 2004 at 08:10 AM
Rache
I say we pool our resources and come up with a Stufffed Federal Duck bath toy. Guns optional, as is the companion armadillo it could violate. (Batteries not included.)
Posted by: Lairbo | September 22, 2004 at 08:17 AM
Punky, yes, but the old "wish rules" apply.
1.)You can't use a wish to wish for more wishes.
b.)You can't wish for me to be at your beck and call forever. (There is some gray wording in the rule book for this one, so it may be possible.)
pi.)Any wish pertaining to the use of naphtha and sauerkraut must conform to federal regulatory laws.
and lastly....
$.) I retain the right to earn 17% of the gross sales from any videos, books, photo albums, and demented daydreams resulting from said wishes.
Posted by: Graz | September 22, 2004 at 08:27 AM
ok, I have been reading this blog on and off for a few weeks now... but I havn't quite translated this one...
bagnfarb
Posted by: MzVette | September 22, 2004 at 08:47 AM
(would) be a good name for a rock band...
a reference to something Dave wrote in a column way back in 1492......or was that 1776?
Posted by: Graz | September 22, 2004 at 08:49 AM
bagnfarb = be a good name for a rock band
sometimes also seen as wbagnfarb = would be a good name for a rock band
Posted by: Lily | September 22, 2004 at 08:52 AM
Ok, thanx! Guess I should of figured that out. I have read enough Dave Barry to have seen that phrase a few hundred times. Dave should make a book of "Good Rockband Names" haha
Posted by: MzVette | September 22, 2004 at 08:58 AM
FedDuck
Isn't "How the Armadillo Got to Texas" a children's book based on an old Hopi legend? If it isn't, it should be. Maybe that's Dave and Ridley's next project together.
Posted by: Lairbo | September 22, 2004 at 09:00 AM
Lairbo - I'm in! Granted, my "resources" consist only of a stuffed gun-toting armadillo that I couldn't get through customs in Australia.
Posted by: Rachel | September 22, 2004 at 09:15 AM
Jeff: This is the conundum that people probed and can not undo always.
Posted by: Mahatma Kane Jeeves | September 22, 2004 at 09:17 AM
Rache
Okay, then. The gun-toting, stuffed armadillo will be a big help, actually. It'll be our advance, er man(?) when we scout offshore sweatshop locations. I'm thinking Staten Island for starters or, barring that, Catalina.
Posted by: Lairbo | September 22, 2004 at 09:35 AM
Catalina sounds good. They have yummy salad dressing.
Posted by: Rachel | September 22, 2004 at 09:43 AM
Graz: regarding sub-paragraph pi), I always thought it was "..must conform to federal legal regulations". Am I wrong or is it perhaps just a regional difference?
Posted by: Moe | September 22, 2004 at 10:16 AM
Damn, another lost post here.
Lairbo, if Staten Island proves too challenging we could try Riker's.
MzVette, check davebarry.com or the Yahoo! ReMOAT group where someone (can't remember who and too lazy to go check) posted a list of our good names for bands suggestions.
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | September 22, 2004 at 11:11 AM
MKJ... was that eBay link the result of the experiment where you put 100 monkeys in a room with 100 typewriters and they replicate War & Peace? If it is they're not quite there yet, but at least some of the words are recognisable, even if the sentences make no sense
Posted by: Kat | September 22, 2004 at 12:27 PM
Kat: How did you know?
Posted by: Mahatma Kane Jeeves | September 22, 2004 at 01:26 PM
I'd say there are too many armed dildoes.
Posted by: Pilsenerman | September 22, 2004 at 02:02 PM
Query: was the picture of the gun-toting, stuffed armadillo taken before or after his acceptance speech at the RNC?
Posted by: jamester | September 22, 2004 at 04:44 PM
Am I the only one who thought that it was a stuffed toy armadillo at first? I wasn't thinking taxidermy.
Posted by: J in NZ (pronounced "enzed") | September 22, 2004 at 09:03 PM
enzed
Yeah, I got that impression, too. And I still don't get why a Texas armadillo violates Aussie wildlife protection laws. Since when were U.S. armadillos protected by Australian law? Are they going to try to prosecute the taxidermist, too?
"It is illegal to import armadillos without a permit."
"Customs said the importation breached wildlife protection laws."
Posted by: MOTW | September 23, 2004 at 07:27 AM