HALLOWEEN'S A'COMIN', MATEYS
'N if ye can't be a pirate, ye can come as ye arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)
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'N if ye can't be a pirate, ye can come as ye arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)
See that ye forget not, me hearties. Tomorrow be the day.
It's nonstop excitement here on the road, as we see by the look on Ridley's face as he prepares for a San Francisco radio interview.
This wasn't one of them.
(Thanks to Cheese Days attendee Kathy Lovett)
Finish reading all books before attempting to board another plane.
(Thanks to Jessica R.)
Because they are so darned helpful.
I assume you're making preparations to observe Talk Like a Pirate Day this Sunday. Ridley and I have been getting into shape for it by talking like pirates a lot on this book tour. In addition to "ARRRRR," we sometimes say "Avast!" although we have no idea what this means. We also have been calling women "wenches," which they seem to like, once we explain that it is a very positive thing for a pirate to say. Although at one point Ridley accidentally called a woman a "wrench." That's what jet lag can do to a pirate.
We're just not sure about this one.
(For the ladies, more or less)
(Thanks to all who sent it in)
(Thanks to Nancy Ollick)
Perhaps he's just a little too bouncy?
(Thanks to several alert readers)
We had a scary moment going through airport security at Dulles: They went through Ridley's suitcase and confiscated his set of little screwdrivers. Fortunately, they did not go through my suitcase, which as fate would have it contained both coconut brassieres.
Why should we be nervous?
The Ridster and I are off to San Francisco today. We're going by plane, so we decided to dress conservatively, as airport security people tend to look closely at passengers wearing coconut brassieres.
Some members of the Blog Community showed up at our signing tonight and gave us coconut brassieres, which of course we donned immediately. We will do anything to advance the cause of Literature.
Dear Sir/Ma,
My name is Norah Cole ,i reside in the U.S and i am The Manager of Norahs Cosmetics i do distribute perfumes overseas and i
recieved an order from one of my customer's in Nigeria. And which i am out of stock of the product they ask for, so please i will
like you to help me get this perfumes and give me the total cost so that i can pay it up including the shipment via Fedex 2 to 5
days delivery .And I will be paying with my credit card and i will also supply you with the shipping details in nigeria.
1. Calvin Klein CK Be Deodorant 100g
2. CK One 1.7oz EDT Spray
3. Gucci Perfume for Women by Gucci - 1 oz EDP Spray
Qty: 10 pieces each respectively with discount.
With Best Regards.
Norah Cole
Ummmm....?
If this doesn't work, maybe someone could try lighting a cigarette.
(Thanks to Heather Lubay)
(Thanks to James McCall)
I've decided who will get my vote for president.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
I'm blogging this from a train heading from New York to Washington, D.C. It's kind of nice to take a train. They don't make you take your shoes off, for one thing. For another thing, at no point does the train hurtle down a runway and leave the surface of the earth.
Incredibly, Ridley and I are both still alive after several days on book tour. Last night we made the very serious mistake of attempting to get from New York City to Long Island and back by car. This seemed theoretically possible, because on a map these two places appear to be fairly near each other, but as we determined last night they are in fact several thousand miles apart.
Rumor has it that Ridley and I will be on in a few minutes. Or else this is a giant prank.
Illinois is holding an election to pick the Official State Amphibian and Reptile. So far it has been a clean campaign, although it is only a matter of time before the American Toad and the Eastern Tiger Salamander begin exchanging charges about what they did or did not do during the Vietnam war.
Maybe she turned on the bat-signal before she left.
(Thanks to CJBLOHM)
Do not read this.
(Thanks to Lord Greg)
"Dutch Bunnies are wimps," declares alert blogreader Paul Berry. And here's proof.
Mayor Ellen van Hoogdalem-Arkema explains.
(Thanks to Claire Mooooartin)
This post has nothing for you. But if, on the other hand, you have low musical standards and would like to find out about the World Famous (But Not For A Good Reason) Rock Bottom Remainders' upcoming Wannapalooza Bus Tour of the Heartland, check this out.
(Thanks to Ryan Weiss)
I don't like the looks of this at all. I'm thinking of buying another generator.
Over the next few weeks my buddy Ridley Pearson and I will be shamelessly shilling for our new book in basically every U.S. city that has indoor plumbing. I'll try to engage in regular blogging during this time, but if this a typical book tour, there will be times when pretty much all I'll have the energy to do is drool on the keyboard. Not that this will necessarily be any different from regular blogging.
...ask to be seated in the no-snake section.
My boyfriend and I have developed an unusual (I assume) expression for using the bathroom in a way that sometimes takes a little longer. Since we keep all of your books in the bathroom, we have taken to referring to such sessions as "hanging with Dave."
Yours,
Jill McClain
Personally, we prefer "using the bathroom in a way that sometimes takes a little longer," or UTBIAWTSTALL.
What is the most overplayed song on the radio -- a song you used to like, but it just gets played to death, so now you can't stand it? I'm thinking this would most llikely be a "classic rock" song, but I could be wrong. I often am.
UPDATE: Thanks for all the excellent nominations and commentary. I regret that these songs are now stuck in your brain, possibly for weeks, but trust me, it was for a very good cause, although I frankly can't see how you, personally, will derive any benefit. But thanks!
Tropical Depression Ten remains a concern for everybody in the general area. Meanwhile, Cher is in Duluth, on a trajectory that could take her to Corpus Christi.
This blog has decided to go ahead and get nervous about Tropical Depression Ten.
Where will it end?
(Thanks to Laura Rayne McEwan)
(Thanks to Susan Rodin)
If you're girding, bracing and hunkering, you'll appreciate this email we received from a Miami Herald colleague, full of practical advice:
Given the current weather patterns I am recommending that all my friends get the following supplies and immediately put them in the trunk of their car or
stow them in a safe place in their home.
1) A length of rope long enough to HANG yourself if you wind up trapped for
three days in a shuttered house listening to the same blathering nitwits on
TV or radio,standing outside with a microphone mouthing variations of
"yep...it is windy...only an IDIOT would be out HERE".
2) Bottle of tequila, margarita mix and box of kosher salt.
3) Several cases of beer (preferable Guinness which can be consumed warm if
necessary).
4) Pistol (this is Florida...it is always a good idea to have a pistol).
5) A garbage bag full of sleeping pills.
6) Scrabble AND a dictionary (the dictionary is really necessary because
otherwise disputes may be settled with use if emergency item #4).
7) Carl Hiaasen books and a flashlight.
8) Tim Dorsey books and extra batteries.
9) Shotgun (this is Florida...it is always a good idea to have a shotgun).
Patrick Ogle
Miami Herald/Action Line
(Thanks to Gene Weingarten)
I say we put this guy on a raft far out in the Atlantic Ocean with a sign that says "COME TO ME, IVAN, YOU BIG STRONG FIST OF NATURE! I AM ROOTING FOR YOU!"
Now the bastards are confiscating pythons from the set of the blockbuster Sipahi, a Kishore Ramsay production starring Akshay Kumar, Lara Dutta and Ajay Devgan!
Key Quote: ‘‘We rushed there and saw that the snake was being used for a dance sequence. "
(Thanks to Lord Greg)
We don't care for the view.
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
No hurricane will ever again approach South Florida. Why? Because I just bought a generator, that's why.
Ms. Smith,As this weeks Dave Barry column was the second to mention the use of public restrooms by the "toilet impaired",
(I happen to work in a large mall which many of those inflicted with this terrible disorder seem to frequent.)
I thought I would give you a bit of "inside advice".
Use the last stall, It's usually the cleanest one.
It seems many of these messy people are also quite lazy,
although I hold no official TP (Toilet Psychology) degree I do feel quite qualified in making this satement.
The last stall is waaaay too far for them to walk.
Hope this information proved useful to you.Sincerely,
-Laura Vona ��
They have struck again.