Dave Barry's Blog

ATTENTION, FUN-LOVERS WITH REALLY GOOD MEDICAL INSURANCE

Whee.

UPDATE

Ridley and I have -- Don't tell anybody! -- managed to escape from the book tour. I'm now back home, and the good news is that, incredibly, there is no hurricane approaching. The bad news is, there is a presidential debate approaching. We have purchased canned food, and I am firing up the generator.

ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE, DANCE

(Thanks to James Bellinger)

FUN AND ILLEGAL

The best kind of school activity.

(Thanks to Amanda Wolfe)

THE CRAPCAM DOES DENVER

(Thanks to Mandi Silcox)

ATTENTION, HEARTLAND RESIDENTS

Time to buy ear plugs.

WHEN PEOPLE ASK US IF WE ARE WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THIS ONCE-GREAT NATION

We answer, simply, yes.

ATTENTION, STUDENTS WISHING TO HAVE A VERY SPECIAL PROM NIGHT

You need this.

(Via Gizmodo, a site every true guy needs to check a LOT)

TERROR STALKS ARKANSAS

Moo.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, MEN WHO WANT TO SMELL LIKE A LUMBERING STUPID OVERPRICED GAS-GUZZLING VEHICLE

Have we got the product for you.

(Thanks to Linda Landy)

TIME TO GO SHOPPING, LADIES

How much?

(Thanks to Naomi, indirectly)

NOT-SO-CRAPCAM ITEM

(That's Ol' Chumbucket on the right)

"WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO" ITEM OF THE DAY

And we really don't want to know why 8 people bid on it.

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane)

CHICAGO UPDATE

The blogperson known as Christobol brought three children and two enormous bokxes of Twinkies. He gave us the Twinkies, but took the children with him.

WE'RE NOT KIDDING WHEN WE SAY THIS PLAY STINKS

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT

Let's get crazy.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE: SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN

Good name for a rock band.

ARRRRR

As you can see in this photo taken by our exclusive CrapCam,
many pirates showed up last night in Portland. I am standing next to the legendary John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur, co-founder of International Talk Like a Pirate Day. And, yes, there WERE little blue spots everywhere.

BOOK TOUR UPDATE, ME HEARTIES

Ridley and I are in Portland, Ore., today. We chose it because (a) it's a nice town, and (b) we're reasonably confident that a hurricane will not come here. Also we have reason to believe that our event tonight may be attended by Mr. John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur, one of the co-creators of International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Ridley and I are very excited and plan to wear our formal eyepatches.

OH THE FARMER AND THE COWMAN SHOULD BE FRIENDS

But nobody said nuthin' about no Bra Man.

(Thanks to Jane Hodges)

CELL PHONE UPDATE

Sure, sure, but can they cure the common cold?

(Thanks to John Rice)

NEWS FLASH

(Thanks to Mac)

FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

These cops will soon be getting 'em.

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY: SERIOUS RESEARCHERS WHOSE DISCOVERIES WILL HELP MANKIND, OR PRANKSTERS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO MAKE DOGS MISERABLE?

You make the call.

(Thanks to Ol' Chumbucket)

MUSICAL UPDATE

This is unnerving.

(Thanks to my little, and much more musically talented, brother Sam)

CONSIDER OUR TIMBERS SHIVERED

There be pirates in Los Angeles.

THINK ABOUT IT

Today is international Restless Legs Syndrome Awareness Day.

(Thanks to Paul Levine)

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHO IS STAYING AT OUR HOTEL IN BEVERLY HILLS

There are security people everywhere, and police outside, and they keep closing the elevators, so I asked a hotel employee who the VIP was, and he said, quote, "I think it's some king from some place."

ATTENTION, MALE UNDERWEAR MODERLS

Play your cards right, and you could be part of Cher's chicken coop.

WHY WE LOVE TO BE ON BOOK TOUR IN LOS ANGELES

This morning on the TV news they had a lengthy segment about a guy who gives massages to dogs.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

And here we have the perfect gift for the nasally-impaired friend or lover.

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

YOUR MISSION

Should you decide to accept it: Buy Twinkies, and HURRY.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

BOOK TOUR BACKDATE

A better pic of the CocoBra Throng, courtesy of Leetie)

NOTIFICATION OF POSSIBLE BOOK TOUR SCHEDULE CHANGE

(Thanks to Ron Rett)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using gun-toting armadillos.

(Thanks to many people)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

In Phoenix, Ridley and I have been drawing terrific crowds.

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they've taken away our precious fundamental right to sell urine.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

This evening we're moseying out of Seattle and on to Phoenix. We thank all the buccaneers and buccanettes who made this tour stop memorable, and wish to report for the record that pirate toilet paper only has the Jolly Roger on the outside wrapper.

MOO

Never let it be said that judi is the only one who posts beefcake.

KEY INCOMPREHENSIBLE QUOTE: Bred on the Coffeen family farm, she is the daughter of Stookey Elm Park Redstar Ex 92 and her dam is a Good Plus renown factor daughter and the next dam is VG-86.

PSSSSSSSSST!

Nobody tell these guys about the previous item.

(Thanks to COLLINS69S)

BREAKING NEWS ITEM FROM THE "LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE" SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM

"Do Not Disturb"

(Thanks to Josh Tolley)

WHY WE FAVOR MANDATORY REGISTRATION OF ASSAULT SNAKES

It's getting bad out there.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR

It would be frustrating to find out this is not a challenge for other people.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

MORE PIRATES

In addition to the blog-related pirates, the people pictured above appeared at the booksigning driving a Dodge van that had been converted to a pirate ship. They had swords AND a cannon, so we did whatever they said.

BOOK-TOUR LIKE A PIRATE UPDATE

A lusty crew of buccaneer blogpersons came to our booksigning today and gave us some valuable pirate items, including Jolly Roger toilet paper. Ridley and I were deeply touched, as you can see in this high-quality photo.

ARRRR

Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Ridley and I will be observing it reverentially in Seattle at Third Place Books. "Blow the man down" is what we always say, although we have no clue why we say it.

PIRACY UPDATE

Ahoy, now the bilge rats are using DNA molecules.

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

TALK LIKE A PIRATE, OR ELSE

Ye don't want to have to be measured fer yer chains.

(Thanks to BigMur from the message board)

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT

Time for some wood.

(Thanks to Laura McEwan)

THE CASE OF THE PURLOINED FROG DARTS

No point in calling the Brazilian police.

(Thanks to Andrew Comings)