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September 22, 2004


And here we have the perfect gift for the nasally-impaired friend or lover.

(Thanks to Lord Greg)


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See you crazy kids tomorrow, they took off my leash for the day.
Neener Away!

Oh, and by the way:

My cell phone says you all smell funny.

"Some people take smelling good rather seriously." And we wish the rest of you did, too.

I bet you get phoney results.

Next step - a chip that transmits the smell data to the other end, which sets off another chip to emulate the smell.

In the research stages presently is also a human aesthetic detection chip, which depending on its threshold setting, will alert the cell phone user to the fact that they're lightly disheveled, seriously 'dont leave the house looking like that' unkempt, or just plain butt-ugly.

Wish my cell phone would block me from saying anything stupid... now there's an invention!

*mmphf... realizes the off button does the same thing*

I can just imagine the scene on the bus that I used to ride to work every day. There were so many noxious odors in there (both from the people and from the bus itself), everyone's cell phones would have been complaining non-stop.

As if the passengers that are always TALKING TOO LOUD on their cell phones weren't annoying enough...

Who dreams this crap up?

Better still: who is going to BUY it?

All the "extras" that Sprint has hidden in my phone service are bad enough. (I have to PAY to download games, ferchrissakes!) But do I *really* need my CELLPHONE to remind me that I had onion on my salad at lunch?!

I think you hit it there, Corn.....they should have invented one that detects when an asshat starts hollering in his/her phone.

It should then emit a peircing shreik into the earpiece.

Or start randomly playing Barry Manilow tunes.

Either would be a fit punishment.

Actually, my stepmother and her mom suffer from a condition known as "anosmia" - they completely lack their sense of smell. This is actually quite dangerous - ie, they can't smell burning food in the oven, or spoiled milk, etc.

I'm waiting for the upgrade. I mean, if your phone can have a sensor that knows when your breath stinks, why can't it have a little mint sprayer that squirts in your mouth while you're talking?

Hey, I'm a busy guy, I can't be trying to locate gum while I'm talking too loud in an elevator.

"Listen Jim, tell Lisa *squirt* cough...s'cuse me, tell Lisa she's going to need to *squirt* cough cough...ahem...jeese ok so Lisa needs to *squirt squirt squirt* SON OF A B&*CH! Do you know how to *squirt squirt squirt* mother *squirt squirt* thing *squirt squirt squirt* off? *squirt squirt* tell *cough gag gag* I love her *squirt. die*"

Is there a Doctor in the house?

*dials 911*

"Hello, EMT dispatch? We have a lifeless individual here in the last elevator on the left at Christobol Enterprises... He's leaking a greenish liquid out of the side of his mouth, not sure what happened... What? Strip him naked and stand him on his head until you get here? OK."

good reason to stay away from garlic... or limburger...

Now if they can only program one to self destruct if you use it in a movie theater, civilization will have reached its peak.

Christobol, you amuse me.

*Kim steps into elevator, sees unconscious man with green liquid coming out of mouth*

Kim: hmm, that't interesting.
*takes picture and posts on dave barry blog for all to laugh at, and leaves Christobol where he be*

"What's your problem?"
"I died on the elevator and people just took it as another brief moment of amusement in an otherwise hectic and demanding day."
"Wull, I was kinda hoping someone would throw a towel over me, or at least not stick a flower in my a$$ for the picture."
"But that was funny - here - take a look."
"You got t-shirts printed up?"
"T-shirts, mugs, screen-savers."
"Cool, give me a large T-shirt and put another shot of tequila in my coffee."

*makes notes to call Nokia and Listerine about new great idea....wonders how to bundle the service with a deodarant company...then there's always Massengill....hmmmmm*

"Hello?" *squirt* Cough Gag. "Errrrgghh. I gotta call ya back."
"What's the problem?"
"Damn wife left the phone set on 'douche'."

Even the church is tired of asshats on phones.

"Carl Smith?"
"Carl Smith of 1427 East Pecker Road, who was born on June 26, 1962 to James and Ernestine Smith in Fort Worth, Texas?"
"That's me."
"It's me, Jesus."
"Really? Wow."
"Just wanted to call and say - you're going to hell."
"But .."
"Look, I gotta go. Enjoy your last - ooh, looks like about 43 seconds."

"Hey, Carl?"
"Yes! Jesus!"
"Glad I caught you before, well, you know."
"Just wanted to say.."
"You're a real asshat."

I liked the first one better. I think you should apply to be a writer for Saturday Night Live. Better yet, write your own screenplay and make a movie. You got talent, pal!

Graz, good idea on the cellphone that detects when inconsiderate morons are yelling into their phones.

Problem is, I've seen too many people that would not be fazed in the least by a piercing shriek or a Manilow tune warning them that they're too loud. They wouldn't even be able to hear it over their own piercingly loud cackles and bellows.

I propose a "taserphone." Talk too loud, and get 50,000 volts to the side of the head.

This thing has "sham" written all over it

This thing has "sham" written all over it

sorry 'bout that sorry 'bout that
(infernal machines. . . )

cbol should team up with dave.

so long ridley.

too bad, so sad.

sorry 'bout that sorry 'bout that
(infernal machines. . . )

Quick! A tiny coconut bra!

Quick! A tiny coconut bra!


Can you smell me now?



"Hey Carl"
"Jesus! I've got 12 seconds left, what do I do?"
"If you apologize to the other church members for talking on your (not you're) cell phone, I'll let you in heaven."
"No, I'm just f@#$ing with you. Asshat."

*squirt squirt squirt* SON OF A B&*CH! Do you know how to *squirt squirt squirt* mother *squirt squirt* thing *squirt squirt squirt* off?

Sides hurt now...

What a great thread. I'm billing you people for my Botox injections. Soon I will laugh with no facial expression at all.

I propose a "taserphone." Talk too loud, and get 50,000 volts to the side of the head.

How about a taserphone that is there to discourage cursing?

"Yeah...so my f**cking *ZAP*..."
"Ow! Sh*t, that hurt!" *ZAP*
"Mutherf**cker!" *ZAP*
"Okay, okay...Darn, that smarts." *ZAP*
"Jezuz Christ! *ZAP* Darn isn't even *ZAP* a swear word!"

Hey Polly, with a chip like that in a person's head, he/she could save the world from Saddam and Satan.

Made in Germany ... to detect sour Krauts.
* ducks *

MKJ - so if I mount a flower in the side of my forehead, I'll look like that? Cool.

Keep 'em coming (forget about the double posts)!

Quick! A tiny violin! *plays "Hearts and Flowers"*

(if this posts twice, someone give me one hundred dollars)

*hands MKJ $100 bill*

here, you probably need this since you obviously don't have a job.

No violin. "Rare rutilated quartz", no picture?

Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of . . . AAAAAAHHHHH!

dt: do so.

HA! LOL Elle & Cbol. Thanks for starting my day with chuckle :)

Live entertainment for your next party or gala!

Live entertainment for your next party or gala!


*hands C-note over to MOTW*

Their repertoire is extensive and includes:
The Eyes of Texas OR The Aggie War Hymn (whichever you prefer!!)

How anyone could make THAT decision is beyond me

I want a cell phone with a built in breathalizer so I can easily check to see whether or not I should be talking out loud.

* buys MKJ 100 clams worth of moataritas *
There's a steel drum band , too. Reasonably priced.

I was going to bid on these, but Maude sounds like a pain in the butt

MOTW, mayhaps you have offspring in the Bowie HS band?

Naw, different school district. But they're quite famous 'round these parts.

I played flute way back when. (Yes, they had instruments way back when.) I have tried, as they become of age, to show them how to find the 'sweet spot' and get a good tone from my flute. Had dreams of playing duets with my kids. *sigh* But they can't do it.

Child #1 prefers to sing in choir. Child #2 wanted to enter band this year. So last spring, we went to the junior high and he tried this instrument and that. (Nevermind that I already have two flutes and a clarinet, Son, already paid for. No pressure.) He chose the tuba, the most expensive instrument next to the bassoon. We're renting, but had to buy the mouthpiece: $76!

We'll see what Child #3 wants to do when he gets to sixth grade. (still have those flutes and clarinet ...)

Cbol, your story about the squirting breathe mint spraying phone thingy. Not very believable at all my compadre.

I mean everyone knows that cell phones never work in elevators. Sheeesh.

But Maude loves you, MKJ ...

Lastly, Maude thanks all the thousands of Ebay buyers who have made it possible for Maude to quit commuting 11 ½ hours round trip to Manhattan every weekend to sell. The fact that because of you, Maude will never again have to listen to a woman in $500.00 shoes say, "Twelve dollars? So much?", fills her with gratitude, and she loves you all. Thank you. "

Maude will be filled with blissful happiness once she discovers how to write in the first person, rather than the third person.

Why stop at 3?

I played Trombone, badly, sadly

Hey Fisher, lay off my Cbol! Ok, maybe he's not so much "my Cbol" as "the guy who makes me spit my coffee at my screen and shriek with laughter". Big diff.

Allow to explain, Mr. Fisher. I use my cell phone exclusively for annoying people. I do not care to communicate with others when I have escaped my desk. So I don't even bother to activate a calling plan.

I just carry it around so that I have something to talk loudly into when I'm in public. When I forget it, I just pretend I'm being chased by bees.

By the way - if you've never pretended you were being chased by bees in a crowded elevator, can you really look me in the blog and say you've lived?

I hope all of mine want to play sax, or at least jazz band instrument. I have a tenor sax, but I can see a great family jazz band or saxophone choir!

How do you think Dave will handle everyone in the airport as they scream in their phones and their phones announce the halitosis of over half of them?

How about a taserphone that is there to discourage cursing?

I like it, Polly! And a special turbo-zap if the cellphone detects a combination of offenses. Example: The geek that sat across from me on the commuter train the other day, talking so loud the people on the second level could hear him, rambling on and on in a conversation that went roughly like this:

"YEAH, so you know this Dewanda I was tellin' you about? No, sh*t no, not THAT one...the one with the nose ring...yeah, her...well she's warming up to me, youknowhatImsayin'? Yeah f**k man she's finally comin' to daddy, yeah HAHAHA, so we goin' out just gonna hang tonite maybe see a movie or sumpin, youknowhatimsayin, then maybe back to the crib, just play it smooth...WHAT? WHAT? NO, MAN YOU BREAKIN' UP ON ME...WHAT??...YEAH, WHERE AM I AT? I'M ON THE TRAIN!...HELLO??...***DAMMIT LOSIN' THE ^&$# CONNECTION..." etc. etc."

Actually, I wish that these gadgets were legal where I live.

What does this look like, a break? Stop standing aroud bloggists! Get blogging!

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