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September 29, 2004


Time to buy ear plugs.


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Also, why is there a Backstreet Boys shirt in the 'related' section?

Are you guys going to do an "Anthropophagy" collection of greatest hits and outakes or anything?

According to Dave, their entire repertoire is "outtakes", so you can just buy any recording.

Anybody Wannapalooza?

I'm not sure I want to know where the nation's Spleenland is. Is it anywhere near Pennsylvania? That's where I'm living now. I may have to move.

Hey - if you buy a Rock Bottom Remainders recording on Amazon, it tells you:

"People who bought this recording also purchased the following items, so, if you don't want to be a total dork-wad, buy them too!

- Zamphir and the Magical Pan Flute, Unplugged!

- Deluxe 4 Slice Toaster

- (1) Chuck Taylor Converse Sneaker (canvas) found on Interstate 45 outside of Houston. Semi-stained."

I think Kidney Land is upriver from toilet land, where Dave got the toilet for the front page of his Web site.

Just be sure to not rock the nations prostateland, and we'll all be OK.

Happy touring!

And for those of you who want to see real good musice, there's also a convenient link for where to buy Barry Manilow tickets.

"...the Remainders' tour benefits America SCORES, a national after-school program that uses soccer and poetry to inspire literacy, civic responsibility and healthy living among urban, public-school kids."

and what about thems kountry kids, huh?

what, they don't kount er what?

hey, we wuz kountry when kountry wasn't kool.

they needs some 'inspirational after-school programs' too - you know, like palpating cattle and turkey shoots and, well, praktical stuff - not a bunch of sissies kicking a little ball around the sticker patch.

well, it don't matter none anyway cuz we got our OWN local band tour - yep, dats right, they called the Well Sheared Sheeples - and they even got a fiddle guy.

Since I live in Appendixville and nowhere near the target area, I'll have to watch one of the shows of the many cover bands that have sprung up in adulation of the "Remainders".

"We are going to rock the nation's Heartland so hard there could be bruising as far away as the nation's Spleenland, and possibly even the nation's Kidneyland!" Barry said in a statement.

I live in the nation's Anusland, but the Heartland is a short commute, and I plan to rock out at the St. Louis show. Any takers?

punky - too funny!

I hope they don't make a tour out of Michael Jackson's extraneous-plastic-surgery-parts-land. Talk about a menagerie.

I prefer a bit of a quieter art form than rock and roll. Earplugs may still apply.

Duck, I'll be at the Pageant in St. Louis. See ya there!!

It's the night after his book signing.

woo hoo!

Hey! I'm planning on going.

But I'll probably only get as far as America's-"Hurracanes-Hit-Here!"-land.

Also known as Suckland.

I mean, SCORES is a great charity and all, but what about the Aging Prostitutes Emergency Surgery (APES) fund? Who will provide them with liposuction and face lifts? Who will save them?


.... was just an idea .....

Polly, that is exactly why I've always advised prostitutes not to learn to read, and never to graduate from school.

When's the international tour coming, Dave? I got ear plugs and everything!

...the Remainders' tour benefits America SCORES, a national after-school program that uses soccer and poetry to inspire literacy, civic responsibility and healthy living among urban, public-school kids."

I need some help here. Just how does this soccer and poetry thing work? Do the kids recite limmericks while running up and down the field? Do they have to write an original poem to try out for the squad? Do they get kicked off if their rhyme scheme doesn't meet standards?

I don't recall any of the great poets of the ages - Shelly, Keats, Christobol, Elle, D'Artagnan - ever composing during a soccer match.

Just wonderin'.

So they won't come up with acronyms like APES?

How about Hookers Offering Only Free Facials for Surgery (HOOFS)?

Or Bring Us Tummy Tucks (BUTTS)?

This is some kind of evil plot...I always have to go to Cleveland to see the bands I like! I apparently live just to the right of the Heartland. Stupid ancestors. 'Let's settle in the Heartland!'...'No, no....Heartland's gettin' too crowded....we'll settle over yonder'.

Thanks for the Palooza Cbol. I've always wanted a friend with a really weird name to make fun of.

You know like, "Eeww, What the heck is that Ooza-n out of your arm?"


"Nothing. HaHa! Gotcha!" And then punch him real friendly like in the arm.

Megan -

Just to the right of the Heartland would be the Lungland. While not as desirable as the Heartland, it is definitely an improvement over the Spleenland.

And Kidneyland is probably near the sewage pumping station named for Dave. (Sorry I don't recall the state - one of the Dakotas?. Help me, Bloglits)



Nope! Won't go there!

It's funny that you guys should bring up funny acronyms, because I'm starting a new organization (really) called the:
Society for
Offensive and
Exhortations and

The purpose of this non profit support group is to help the easily offensive and easily offended people get over themselves and go, I don't know, get a job or a hobby or something. If you are interested in slapping some sense into these people, please contact me via email or send your request telepathically through the ether.
And, as always, neener.


It's not dirty unless you make it dirty.

Since Dave & co. aren't visiting us here in Neckland I'll have to go see him in Assliftland (aka Las Vegas).

Elle -

Wonderful! You can SCORE with my squad anytime.

Stephen King isn't listed as a band member in this article. Did he quit the band?

No, he just knew more chords than the rest of them.

Some lady sitting next to me at the book signing said that Stephen King is not going to be on this tour because of some other obligation. I dunno how accurate the info is, but I'll pass it along anyway.

Stephen can't make it because he's scheduled to battle a demonic waffler in Bangor, Maine that week. You guys thought he made that stuff up?

John Kerry is going to be in Bangor, Maine?

*Strikes Maine from list of possible places to retire.*

Demonic Wafflers wbagnfarb

Wish me luck, bloglit. My hot water went out and I have to relight the pilot.

I wonder how I'd look without eyebrows?

Careful, Polly. Just read the directions, if your unit has them. Here's a hint: if you don't have any long matches, tape one to a screwdriver.

When by third grade young Timmy still reads not
And vexéd teachers hide behind locked doors
Who will heed this loud, illiterate lot?
Who indeed, if not America SCORES?

And Suzy, when she fails to make a goal
Although the pass was sure and keeper dead
Should she despair, and cower in a hole?
Or should she call Dave Barry up, instead?

For Dave can sing, and write, and read, and kick
And like a super hero, he'll be there
For little Timmy who can't read a lick
And hapless Suzy who keeps booting air

Then Suzy, Timmy will encourage her
With sideline poster, spelling out "BOOGER!"


*wipes forehead*

I DID it! And I have SCORES to thank for it! I used my power of literacy to read the directions and then when that didn't work, I kicked the water heater until it powered up again!

Polly? What the heck does an airplane driver have to do with your hot water leaving?

Did he cheat on it or something? Dirty Drunken Pilots anyways.

((Sniff Sniff!))

Smells funny in here.


Oh, well!

C'bol, absolutely love the booger poetry. You're waxing rhapsodic. I'm swooning. 'Tis love...

Although I think you'd still be sexy without eyebrows, may I suggest you not smoke inside for a while? Remember, Smokey the Bear says: "Only you can accidentally blow up your house...if, um, you're the only one there at the time...and stuff; don't play with flamethrowers."
Smokey was a SCORES reject.

So, Polly. Do you still have your eyebrows? Did the water heater sing, "C'mon Baby, Light My Fire"?


Not to worry! I don't smoke and my flamethrower is at the shop.

*resumes banging flint rocks together just for the heck of it*

Ha Fed!

Coming in at #7 on the list of Worst Ways to Remove Your Eyebrows Even Tho You'll Still Be Sexy Without Them

Blowing your face up by smoking after unsuccessfully attempting to relight the pilot on your water heater.

We need six more, people.

#6 Sticking your face in a demonic waffler


You bet I still have my eyebrows!



Falling off a cliff headfirst

#5 Blowing up your face while banging flint stones together after unsuccessfully trying to relight the pilot on your water heater.

Peering inside your toaster while wondering why your Cherry Pop Tart is smoking.

#3 Mistakenly grabbing the NAIR in place of your usual moisturizer.

Doh! Stupid semi-functional refresh button.

Getting a discount eyebrow wax from a straight man.

Christobol should have #1 on the list, then we'll revert to fractions and unreal numbers.

# 3.1415926(r)squared:

Self-applied drunken electrolysis?

(I'm stretching here)


Shaving with a razor blade sans handle, while getting ready for a faux nazi rock/demagogue concert performance, and accidentally removing a nipple in the process.

*covers nipples so they stop screaming after hearing about unfortunate shaving accident*

# 6.5 Stupidly agreeing to star in Pink Floyd movie

For the sake of good taste, can we all agree to avoid mentioning methods of losing eyebrows that involve kitchen related items? I'm thinking cheese graters, food processors, meat slicers, etc.

#5.5 Sticking flypaper to forehead in an attempt to amuse party guests.

I am so there.

Three days of Dave! In St. Louis! It's my dream come true.

All we need now is a purple suitcase and grommets.

#2.14_ running out of charcoal lighter and using old fuel siphoned out of the tank from a '74 Nova sitting on blocks in the side yard.

Not that I've ever done that.

#ZZ9 plural Z alpha
Getting over-enthusiastic when plucking your eyebrows out of boredom

Spraying hair spray while smoking? (Is it still explosive?) *Flashback to childhood memory*
Standing too close to the fire after throwing sister's hairspray can into it to watch it blow up.

#3.5 Testing out nifty recipe for homemade Agent Orange downloaded from the Internet.

Her beauty always made me stop and stare
It mattered not how frequently we met
I had to pause, to catch my breath, for there
Was n'er a lass more comely as of yet

We'd walk the streets and laugh, while hand in hand
We watched the gaping, stumbling line of men
Attempt to catch her eye, to understand
How she could be with me, alas, but then

She left me standing all alone one day
Heart ensnared she could no longer tarry
And I was speechless, for what could I say
To win her back from Mr. Dave Barry?

And now she fondly tells how Dave wooed her
'Ere her brows she removed with a booger

When I was getting my hair cut and colore---er uh-- highlighted last night, I noticed my stylist had a large bandage over his ear. When asked, he said that he he was trying to light a cigarette with a new lighter, but it wasn't working. He cranked it up to "high", still didn't work. He put it to his ear to hear the butane (?) while trying to light it...and...well...

it works.

*makes notes to self to get new stylist*

#0.00578 - bobbing for apples in sulfuric acid

That is all.

That is one of the basic differences between men and women. You have different products for each operation. If guys used those things we would have one universal product that was good for removing everything,i.e. nail polish, eye makeup, eyebrows, grease stains, (you name it).


We have two of those products. Anything on Earth that cannot be accomplished with Duck Tape or WD-40 is not worth farking with.

It is impossible, even with the use of powerful malt beverages, to confuse a roll of Duck Tape and a can of WD-40.

Wow, Christobol. That was lovely. May I give it a shot?

*think think think*

Have you ever, ever heard
Of old Hymen McFad?
He flipped my mom the bird
So I kicked him in the nads.

Now he walks hunched over
He says his balls are blue.
And resting on his shoulder
Is a testicle or two.

Good point, and come to think of it, duct tape would be another way to remove your eyebrows. I don't think WD 40 would work, but they would be really smooth and non-sqeaky.

Call to arms.

The ingredients in elle's two removers
were not even close; shakers, movers,
know nail polish stuff
is horribly rough
it even disintegrates boogers.

Excellent, Polly.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Spraying WD-40 on my eyebrows."
"Duh. So they won't squeak."
"But your eyebrows don't squeak."

o/~ Testes on my shoulder makes me hapyyyyyyyy o/~

sorry, flash, even duct tape is not strong enough to remove hair.

i know.

Okay, who's (not whose) up for a road trip to visit MArtha Stewart in prison in West Virginia? Slowlayne? DjtonyB? Christobol?

I don't know if use #2 is for modesty or what, but it looks like it will be really painful to remove! Yeouch

Tho' it's ramparts we seek
it's duct tape that peeks
from the top of the dress
no bras in Maine, I guess.

Be careful, Polly:

You know Lana Turner's eyebrows never grew back.

Sly, your stylist sounds like the brainy guys who look down the barrel of the gun while pulling the trigger to make sure it was really unloaded.

to enter the fray
with the poets of today
is a task quite daunting and large

but if you want to know how
to remove an eyebrow
just apply some moist nasal discharge

Let's all go see Martha in prison
Why not? See, it's for a good reason
Boo, Layne, Chris and me
And DJTonyB
We wonder... cell done for the season?

The Duct Tape Ramparts WBAGNFARB.
*I really have to get back to work now, or my little technogeeks won't have a test to take after lunch*

Hey, can I go and visit Martha with you guys too?! We could bring some nail polish remover, duct tape, and sulferic acid. We can practice our eyebrow removing technics on her and see which one works the best.

Next week on Martha: The Convict -
Boogers - they're a Good Thing!
Marc and Duct Tape - rampart sculpting
So many ways to remove eyebrows; Which One is Best for You?
(Sequel: can these methods also remove jail cell bars?)
Christolbol - Man or Myth?

Anyone going in Stl? Or Chicago? I'm halfway in between. I'd love to go but I'm not sure I can scrape up the funds. But if I do, it'd be fun to meet some fellow blog-readers.

(And yes, I know this has probably been discussed above, but I'm on some heavy painkillers and I'm too lazy to read. God love drugs. :D)

So let's not forget our MzVette
She's fine company, oh, you bet!
There's only one thing,
Don't eat Burger King,
Or we won't all fit in the Chevette.

Psst . . . where's the new moat?

I made this lovely holiday centerpiece using pinecones, duct tape, shredded prison jumpsuits and burned-off eyebrows....it really has a festive air. My bitches just love it.

I'm not sure I'll ever look at duct tape the same way again.

Wife: "Honey, does this dress make my ass look big?"
Husband: *thinks carefully before answering* "I don't think so, but if you do, I could duct tape your butt cheeks together under your clothes."
Wife: *looks thoughtfully in the mirror* "No, I've already done that to my ramparts, and it just makes them stand out more."
Husband: *sneezes into hands and wipes booger prominently on wife's upper back*
Wife: "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Why the hell did you do that."
Husband: "Now you don't have to worry about anyone staring at your ass."

Real-life eyebrow removal technique recipe:
1) campfire set up with lots of wood;
2) white gas used as firestarting flammable liquid;
3) a sparkler.
Also, his arm ended up naked up past his elbows.

Made quite an impression on Megan and all the other little Indian Princesses at the campout.

MeganBL... (LOL!!)

My bitches think that was dang funny!

*wipes eyes from laughing*

A friend of mine always claimed
That to solve the world's problems, she named
The top three choices
(I think she hears voices)
And yes, one of them was a bra from Maine.

First on the list was the most fun:
Duct Tape which cannot be undone.
Then there was Amputation,
And Chocolate contemplation.
So if you've a problem to solve, then choose one!

True story...

A person who I know very well and am quite familiar with happens to be fascinated with fire. So this person is always in charge of the fire when they go camping.

One time, this person was playing in the fire with a stick and ended up breathing a little too much of the smoke and not quite enough oxygen. They ended up passing out. Fortunately, they fell BACKWARDS and NOT into the flames...

Course, I'm under the impression that there was some wacky weed involved in this incident.


Hey, I've been lurking for a couple of months now, and finally feel that I am ready to enter the MOAT, if you deem me worthy. What's the deal?

"On eyebrows"

Duct tape is a fine invention
When gentlemen can't see-
But WD-40 and fire are imprudent
in an emergency.

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