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Let's be careful out there.
Key Quote: "It hurts fiercely now," he said while walking slowly and gingerly.
(Thanks to many people)
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Brought to you by Tom Not-So-Swift.
Posted by: golfwidow | August 07, 2004 at 07:09 AM
I can only imagine if he'd tucked it into the front of his pants. "I have removed myself from the gene pool, and you're welcome."
Posted by: Glenn Fleishman | August 07, 2004 at 07:25 AM
"Burning Exit Wound" cbagnfarb but NOT "The Fiercely Hurting Buttocks"
Posted by: russell | August 07, 2004 at 07:26 AM
Residents in the Bristow area armed themselves last year when a suspected murderer, Scott Eizember, roamed the rural area as authorities searched for him for 37 days.
What's with all these criminals escaping there?
Criminal: Hey, before I go before the judge, can I go get a Mocha Moolata?
Court Officer: Well, sure.....just don't run off now....you have to face the judge for a murder charge.......
Posted by: Graz | August 07, 2004 at 07:52 AM
Looks like Barney Fife is alive and semi-well ("it hurts fiercely now") and living in Oklahoma.
Posted by: Dave (not Barry.. calm down) | August 07, 2004 at 08:12 AM
"Mom, I did something bad."
Still living with mom, damn and a whose to boot!
Posted by: BMX3 | August 07, 2004 at 08:31 AM
Have you read this guy's quotes? Maybe it's because I'm hearing them over synthesized speech, or maybe not, but come on!
"Patterson said he walked into his parents' home and said, 'Mom, I did something bad.'"
Really? And just how long did that take to figure out? That's what you say when you're five and you knocked over the lamp and it broke! And as a blind child, I knocked over and broke lots of things; I know that's what you say--when you're five. That's not what you say when you shoot yourself in the butt. But I guess he did. Then:
"'I had good intentions, but I screwed the whole thing up,' Patterson said."
Translation: "I's gonna kill 'eem and do everybody a favor, but now I got me a bullet in the but-tocks."
RUN FORREST RUN!
Posted by: SMFTC | August 07, 2004 at 08:38 AM
We have here an example to illustrate Ted Williams statement, "When you don't think too good, don't think too much."
Posted by: pogo | August 07, 2004 at 08:55 AM
...Pat here again(checks to see if police are watching because of miss diagnosis many years ago). I do believe I got high on a bear claw (checks a second time). Now if I heard you right, it is possible to get drunk on a bear claw? Is 'is' the operative word? Or is 'possible' the thrust of your assumption?
By the way, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now I feel better, but I'm still confused, you know. Pat
Posted by: pat | August 07, 2004 at 09:16 AM
I grew up near Oklahoma. My cousins are from Oklahoma, and I love them dearly...but let's just say this article surprises me not.
(No offense to Oklahomans. But if you'd met some of the Oklahomans that I have, you'd understand.)
Posted by: Angie | August 07, 2004 at 09:42 AM
stupid is as stupid does, i guess.....duuuuh
Posted by: queensbee | August 07, 2004 at 10:38 AM
Wow, what an innovator!! Not happy with one hole in his ass, this guy finds a creative way to make another!!
Here's a thought experiment... Ever imagined what life would be like if the Mom in "A Christmas Story" warned young Ralphie, "You'll shoot yourself in your ass."? Well imagine no more.
Posted by: Brad | August 07, 2004 at 10:53 AM
Oh... and sometimes shooting yourself in the foot is a better option. (ba-da-bing)
Posted by: Brad | August 07, 2004 at 10:56 AM
I can just hear Mom now: "You needed that like another hole in your ass; I mean head!"
other Brad (from SMFTC)
Posted by: SMFTC | August 07, 2004 at 11:15 AM
Brad SMFTC - It is not just hte voice synthesizer that article sounds just as dumb when you read it. I agree Mom I did something bad is what you say when you cover your younger sister in mud at age 6 not when you shoot yourself at age 26.
My only thought is that the bullet pierced the part of him that had the most brains leaving us with those comments...
Posted by: MadScientist | August 07, 2004 at 12:10 PM
No wonder why Oklahoma is Republican territory.
Posted by: entertainment news | August 07, 2004 at 02:01 PM
With apologies to Rogers & Hammerstien
Ooooooooo-k-lahoma !
Where the guns will shoot you in the rear
And the great escapes
Aren’t hard to make
When you’re off and running like a deer
Oh OOOOOOoo-k-lahoma!
Where the cou-sins are a ki-i-sin’
It’s a well armed state
But it’s just fate
To be born dumb as Drew Patter-sin
You know all our boys here are dumb
But with guns we’re just out havin’ fun!
So when we saaaaaay
“Ouch! Mom!
It burns it stings”
Where only singing
You’re OK Oklahoma!
Oklahoma! OK!
O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A
Oklahoma!
OK!
Posted by: slowlayne | August 07, 2004 at 02:12 PM
There once was an Okie named Drew
A hole in his butt’s what he blew
“It hurts fiercely now”
Can’t sit to milk cows!
Drew has had way too much brew
Posted by: slowlayne | August 07, 2004 at 02:19 PM
I have to give him credit, though. He did use the word "fiercely." That has two syllables in it.
Posted by: Angie | August 07, 2004 at 05:11 PM
Who SAYS you can't learn anything here?
Look for some tongue-in-cheek references to the Gere-bil in the 1996 film "Scream."
Also, passing mention is made to this rumor during a student bull session in 1998's "Urban Legend."
As well, in an episode of television's 'The Vicar of Dibley' ("The Easter Bunny"; original air date 8 April 1996), Geraldine (Dawn French) remarks upon Richard Gere's sexiness by saying she wouldn't have minded being the hamster.
Posted by: Trystan Shout | August 07, 2004 at 05:30 PM
"Felt something warm trickling down his left leg..." That's always a bad sign isn't it?
Drew: "Mom, I did something bad. Could you check if that is blood or wee wee trickling down my leg? The gun went off. So either I just shot myself in the ass, or I peed my pants when the gun went BANG!"
Mom: "Go ask your Dad."
Posted by: Jessica R. | August 07, 2004 at 05:58 PM
"Patterson, 27, said he suffered "one of my most embarrassing moments"
You mean there were other worse ones? Do we need to hear about those? Any ideas?
"Mom, I did a bad thing. I backed the trailer over grandma."
"Mom, this time I really did a bad one. You know that home circumcision kit I bought?"
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | August 07, 2004 at 06:12 PM
He must be feeling a real ass right about now...
With every step, actually...
Posted by: Higgy | August 09, 2004 at 04:37 AM
It ain't so bad gettin' bit by a bullet in the but-tocks. You get lots of ice cream!
Posted by: Forrest | August 09, 2004 at 06:33 AM
Smith fled a courtroom in handcuffs and an orange jump suit and was still at large Thursday. He was facing charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon on a police officer.
That's some quality police work. Nobody thought to, I dunno, close the door?
Posted by: Zackt. | August 09, 2004 at 11:15 AM
Alright, enough cracks about this. Let's put this whole thing behind us.
Posted by: Wayne | August 11, 2004 at 06:38 AM