Dave Barry's Blog

HOW THE INTERNET HAS CHANGED OUR LIVES

We find out about controversial subjects or things people don't want to talk about, and talk about them a whole lot more.

(Thanks to Collins69S)

IF I HEAR ONE MORE JOURNALIST MAKE THE FOLLOWING "JOKE" HERE IN ATHENS, I WILL KILL HIM WITH AN ANCIENT ROCK

"It's all Greek to me!"

THIS BLOG

...is nothing if not informative on the subject of ...umm...men.

(Thanks to Sacha Dennison)

PET OWNERS

Some have different priorities than normal humans.

(Thanks to Michael Ester)

OLYMPICS UPDATE

So I'm in a taxi driven by a guy named Tony, and we're hurtling through the Athens night several kilometers per hour faster than an F-16, and Tony is leaning out the window flirting with a woman cab driver hurtling along next to us, and after she veers away, I ask Tony if that's his girlfriend, and he says, quote, "If there is one kind of woman I will never go out with, that is doctor, lawyer, and taxi driver."

OLYMPICS UPDATE

Not!

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH

We definitely did not spend 15 minutes trying to do this; we are far too busy. Besides, we already have a Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

HIGH SCHOOL

There's no other explanation.

(Thanks to Andrew Smith)

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

Yes, I'll have a Quarter Pounder with cheese.

(Thanks to djtonyb)

MORE FUN WITH BEER

Not!

(Thanks to Bob Towery)

YOGI?

Smarter than the average bear.

(Thanks to Mike Pontillo)

DAVE, THAT IS SO, LIKE, YESTERDAY

Not!

OLYMPICS UPDATE

Things are going fine here. The Greeks are wonderful. Also, there is beer. I'll keep you posted. Not!

Hey, remember when everybody said "Not!"? When was that? Like 1991? Does anybody say "Not!" any more?

This has been your Olympics Update. We now return you to judi.

FOOTLOOSE II: THE LIMO

Call us naive, but we did not realize this was a huge problem .

(Thanks to Linda Leeson)

MORE ON THE OLYMPICS

Watch for a run on pumpkin seeds in the Olympic village.

OLYMPIC UPDATE

There must be events we don't see on TV.

(Thanks to Donna Frandsen)

BUYING IN BULK

It can save you money.

(Thanks to everyone with online access)

CRICKET MATCH

We'd like to see the video.

DISAPPOINTING HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

GETTING DRUNK

... in The Land Without Noses.

(Thanks to the persistent schnooky34)

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A...

Sometimes you don't.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using bunnies.

(Thanks to many people)

INSECT ASIDE

And under and around and across .

(Thanks to Ted Nolan)

OLYMPICS UPDATE

Oh, this is just swell. I turn on the TV (they have TV here in Greece) and I see there are TWO hurricanes whomping Florida. I may have no home to go home to. I may have to stay here and become a Greek citizen. This would not be a huge adjustment: More people speak English here than in Miami, and they drive the same way.

MORE ON.....

No, that would be wrong.

COWS IN THE NEWS

Udder-abuse update.

OLYMPIC UPDATE

After various flights lasting a combined total of six years, I have arrived safely in Greece. It's hot and a little crazy, but everyone -- that's right, everyone in the entire country -- is really nice.

I again thank all you blog commenters who sent advice and information about Greece, especially those of you who warned me about the system for toilet-paper disposal, because, incredibly, you were right.

My first newspaper report from Greece will appear in the Miami Herald tomorrow. And now, I am off to see the ancient whaddyacallit. Later.

SO LONG, DAVE

Let's just go right for the obvious.

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I leave today for the Olympics. I won't be blogging the Olympics, because my actual job -- the reason I am being sent there as a trained journalism professional -- is to write newspaper columns filled with inaccuracies and outright lies. But when I can, I will post items on this blog, assuming they have the Internet over there in Greece.

After the Olympics, if I'm still alive, I'll go to New York for the Republican National Convention and Metal Detector Festival. So for the next month blogging from me will be sporadic. I can't speak for judi. No, wait, yes I can: There WILL be naked men.

WE CANNOT WAIT FOR THE MOTION PICTURE

Clash of the Cockle Pickers

(Thanks to Ruby Stambaugh)

BECAUSE WE CARE

All of the motorists hoodwinked in this scam will soon be receiving complimentary Florida drivers' licenses.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're using bustards.

(Thanks to David Richardson)

JUST WHAT WE NEED!

A new squid.

FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

This woman needs one.

(Thanks to Andrew Smith)

ADVICE FOR ROMANIAN COPS

Suck it up, you whiners!

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

EXACTLY HOW MUCH IS A TRIP TO MEXICO WORTH?

Not this much.

(Thanks to Steve Tabet)

REMEMBER PONG?

It's updated.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

THE WAR ON CRIME

Let's be careful out there.

Key Quote: "It hurts fiercely now," he said while walking slowly and gingerly.

(Thanks to many people)

SUMMER DOLDRUMS = LOW PRODUCTIVITY

We'd better get busy enhancing it and/or improving our skills.

(Thanks to Brian McRae and Marty Mauldin)

HUMAN SEXUALITY

The old-fashioned method is definitely better.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE FOR WEIRDOS: Those of you who want pictures: Try this link.

STILL MORE RESEARCH

An alternative to Pitman. And the understudy for the movie.

IT'S NOT JUST IN TASMANIA

What is it with people gluing things?

(Thanks to tavesawyer)

YOU CAN SMOKE POT IN THE NETHERLANDS

..but don't try licking toes.

(Thanks to many concerned people)

A NOTE FROM THE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT

Alpaca Doona would be a good name for a rock band.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN TO WATCH?

If a whole bunch of armed guys from Kentucky showed up in Santa Barbara.

SNAKE NEWS ROUNDUP FOR TODAY SO FAR

This snake is still on the lam. This one is recovering, after swallowing -- yes -- a heating pad. Fortunately, none of this has affected the Cher Farewell Tour.

ATTENTION, TEAT-GLUERS

You are not wanted in Tasmania.

(Thanks to James McCall)

WE WANT TO SEE THIS ON "COPS"

Who among us can say how he or she would react to a crisis situation like this?

(Thanks to queensbee)

THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF THIS POST

Is

to

move

Pitman

down

the

screen.

You're

welcome.

FOR THOSE JUDI FANS WHO ARE TIRED OF "FIRST" JOKES AND WANT TO RETURN TO MALE NUDITY: