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August 31, 2004


This person should be both a Florida driver AND a Florida voter.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)


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Don't keep me hanging, Chad . . .

A new one was put up immediately? That would NOT happen in the US. It would take an act of congress and about 180 days to get it approved and 4 years to rebuild.

Obviously a less than impressive student. Driver's ed classes there must be graded on a serious curve.

This does not surprise me. "English" anagrams to "shingle," "Siam" anagrams to "aims," and "Xinhuanet" anagrams to "in a nut hex." And I'll just let you draw your own conclusion.

All that free food and liquor at the convention and Dave is up and blogging at 6:53am??!?!

What's up with that?

What makes you think I went to sleep?

Party on, dude.

People MY age don't require sleep, but Dave, you're, like, 93.

Um, the fact that you're um, over fifty?

uhhh, why does the miami herald website say that "Dave Barrt" wrote today's column??

It's a motor voter thing. Unless they build those tiny booths large enough to accommodate local vehicles, these things will happen.
And why has no one devised a drive-up slot machine? Thought of that on recent trip to Vegas. American inventors are such slackers lately. :>

After reading the story about Sina falsely reporting the demise of the Chinese volleyball team, I am figuring that SINA is a nickname for 'New York Post East', whose motto, I think, is, "We will print whatever we want, whenever we want, no matter how true (or not) it is, dammit!!!"

It DOES say "Dave Barrt"! Oh my, poor Bave Darrt is going to be teased about this...
Hello, Mr. Barrt. Pleased to meet you. Y oh Y did they do that to you?

Famous Dave Barrt quotes:


Don't have a cow, man!

My name's Dave Barrt. Who the hell are you?

No one else has pointed this out, but I was amused that this took place in the "Lard Prao district". ==> distract oral drip


_a_ voting booth with _10_ voters _and_ an official. So much for secret ballot.

What most people don't know is that this was actually an insurrection attempt against the government, correographed by the current president to delay his ousting from power. The reason nobody knows this is that the driver was a woman, which is the most airtight defense against attempted vehicular manslaughter ever conceived. The woman was actually an ex-stunt driver turned political espionage. And yes, she's been recruited by Jeb Bush.

Hey lady, put on your makeup before getting behind the wheel next time, OK? Sheesh.

Figures it was a female driver.

Being female and all, I can say that.

Would Lard Prao bagnfarb? Nah.

True story:

Two women have their own baskets, each going the opposite direction down a typically narrow Walmart aisle.

A man comes down the middle and attempts to squeeze his basket through. There is only about 1/2-inch of space on either side of his basket and he continually hits the women's baskets as he passes. He realizes that he's botching it up and begins to laugh.

One lady actually backs up to make room for him to pass. At this point, the guy finally apologizes and pushes by.

The other lady reaches over to get something off the shelf and comments to the first, 'And they say women drivers are bad ...'

More things not to be put in a pinata

(okay, it's off topic, but you try and find a topic to fit these in . . . )

Mahatma "LOOSE DENTURE TEETH THEY ARE PLASTIC OF ALL SHAPES AND COLORS"...colors?!?! teeth??! The scary thing is they all look so brown!

Guess I'll wait a bit more before going to lunch. e-yuch!

MOTW: I heard a similar exchange in a French supermarket (acutally a hypermarket, they have those there) after a cart collision, one woman said « Priorité à droite ! » (=yield to [drivers on]the right, French highway code rule).

Now, I've seen donation boxes for used glasses for the Lions Club. They'll reshape the lenses for underprivileged kids. That makes sense.

But loose denture teeth?
"Take them to the dentist and get your own dentures made. Who knows???"
And the idea of fish tank gravel - what self-respecting fish would willingly swim over teeth?!

Keep 'em coming, MKJ, seems Dave and judi are busy with free beer today.

You have to admit, Thumper's girl-friend is a real cutie.

. . . what?


"She is the smalled size. She is in excellent condition with cracks, hairlines or crazing."


Teeth in the fish tank

a haiku

a blind date horror
cheap wine, Manilow, bad breath
and fish tank relics

"We offer this chinese old bone made elaphant .This artic is which quality is very high . . . "

Here's a case of mistaken identity

Why does Thumper's girlfriend have no arms?

New "Sperman" bank note? This moron doesn't even know his own stuff.

Pilsnerman, I sent that in yesterday but Judi's too busy being a hughslut or something to post such a worthwhile and informative item. I think he should have been paired with this guy. Anyway, he has an excuse: It was God's wakeup call.

Here’s an idea to take to the bank
Selling used teeth line your fish tank.
And if you are seeking a novel adventure:
Take them to your dentist and make your own dentures
Who is the wiser and who needs to know
So many uses for so little dough.
What can we sell, how is to say
The real thing it is when it’s on eBay.

Selling used teeth to line your fish tank.

Meanwhile, while Dave & Judi are off playing nature is running wild. There aresuperpacks of dingoes in Australia, bullocks eating airplanes in England and a sex-mad smoking chimp in China.

Re: The Walmart Scene.

Whichever of those women parked her cart second should have had the contents of her basket dumped on her head.

Whattaya doin' blockin' the whole aisle while you search for low carb cup o' booger soup, lady?

Course, if I had been the guy I would have taken a running start and then tried to surf me cart thru, probably killing everyone.

That's why I'm not much allowed in Walmart these days.

MKJ, we need to butter you because you're 'on a roll.'
it is a horse who is standing there, it is very living and vivd
looks like an 'elaphant' to me
The characteristic of it is firm but where's the bean?

High bidder's name leads me to beleive Satan is anal retentive

I have to agree with C-bol. I hate it when people block aisles. They either stop their shopping carts right in the middle so nobody can get by on either side, or pull up right next to someone else who has pulled over. Can't you pull your cart over out of the way and walk a few feet *away* from your cart for a few seconds? This is why I need to take a Xanax before shopping in Whole Foods or Trader Joe's. Or Costco. Or Home Depot. Ok, let's just say I need drugs to leave the house, so shoot me.

These ladies had the sides of their baskets up against the shelves. They were with their baskets and not blocking anything. There was just no room to get a basket in between them.

What really boils my blood is when there are several people yacking away blocking the entire aisle, they look right at you and don't move. I wait patiently for a few seconds, give them a glare, and start moving and watch them scatter.

It's the same with cars. If you see a car double parked on a street with two lanes (same direction or two directions; same difference) how much smarts does it take NOT to double park so close in the other lane that nobody can get by? Too much, I'd guess, as people f#ck it up all the time. If both lanes go the same way, double park on the SAME SIDE as the guy already there, OK? THat's not that hard to remember is it?

While on the supermarket again, I had a deja vu experience yesterday. An older woman in front of me had a huge order but waited until the cashier had finished ringing her up and packing ALL the bags before she STARTED searching for her money. How infuriating is that? Did she think maybe the store was going to give her the groceries for free? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I need a drink.

MKJ--tight sphyncter is looking for a new "a soul."

Weird is right. His son doesn't know where he's living or if he's in the country? More likely, he's covering up to protect him from more lawsuits. I was in Utica once, many many years ago (as a kid) and don't remember other than that we were there. I do remember this, however. The first beer sold after prohibition? That's their claim to fame?

MOTW wrote: "These ladies had the sides of their baskets up against the shelves. They were with their baskets and not blocking anything. There was just no room to get a basket in between them."

Exactly! That's why the second one to park should have lined her stupid cart up with the first one, thus leaving other shoppers room to pass down the aisle.

BigD - the same people who chat in supermarkets while blocking aisles tend to stop their cars in intersections to talk to other drivers. These are people it is permissable to mangle.

Jeff - maybe she was waiting to see if "double coupons" ended up netting her money? Some people aren't so good at the math, no?

Hey do any of you people know about Japanese myths? if you do please e-mail me your help will be greatly rewarded(I'll find out where you live and mail you cookies),thanx,

OK.. this goes back a couple of subjects, and I'm not 100% sure, but from my reading of Bambi, I am pretty sure that Thumper was a female..I'm almost certain that in points of the story, she flirted with the young prince, which means that the statue on eBay has effectively "outed" another childhood favourite! Can't they just be left in peace?

As to the supermarket trolleys.. if two people are blocking the aisle, just bang into one of the carts (the one with eggs in it is the best bet.. it's a real attention-getter).

after a surface search, I can't find anything online to support my claims.. everyone else seems to think that Thumper is a boy, which is just fine with me.. either way I don't mind, but I'm going to go find the original book... we have it round the house somewhere... and then if I'm still wrong I give up

Wish I knew a girl named "Thumper"

Give up? Give up? Kat, what kind of attitude is THAT? If it appears that Thumper is a boy in the story you still have options. It's not as if he picks up a handful of chicks and has an orgy (at least in the original). Have you no pencils or crayons? Draw some breasts on the Thumpster and STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

Couple "debate" points if you end up having to argue this:

1. Always attack people's looks, clothes, or odor. Never dignify their actual argument / evidence with a response, that just plays into their hand.

2. Never underestimate the effectiveness of unexpected violence. A chop to the wind pipe can really turn the tide in an otherwise "hopeless" argument.

3. When your opponent is speaking, it is best to mouth their words and prance around, occasionally picking up random objects and mimicing sexual acts. No one will have the slightes clue what they have said.

4. If all the above do not work, and your opponents seems about to carry the day, and everyone is inclined to believe that Thumper was of course a boy, you'll need to kill everyone and shove them down the garbage disposal. You'll convince the next crowd, for sure.

C-bol - I give up with you. Don't know why you like to attack me.

Thump-her; good tactics, C-bol.

All in fun, MOTW - didn't mean to be attacking you per se, but rather the aisle blockers, which I had not read to be you and or those whom you love with a special, special love.

You have to understand, my grandmother died because some ladies had parked their carts improperly in a Walmart in Tucson, and stood there discussing the merits of taco seasoning while my poor grandmother flailed about, desperately reaching for her medicine, which had slipped out of her hand, been rammed by her rolling cart, and come to rest just beyond the aisle blockers' carts.

For this, I can never forgive them. Well, plus they ate her with crackers, which was way out of line I think.

So now I am overly sensitive to cart etiquette. I hope you will accept this complete failure to apologize as indicitive of the kind of fuzzy love available here at Dave Barry dot com, 24/7.

C-bol, I have always thought you were a highly intelligent, witty gentleman. Just didn't know the motive for your rant. Apology accepted.

I have no problem teaching manners to anyone, whether it be shoppers blocking w/carts or talking on a cell phone, or my kids' friends who call on the phone and use monosyllabic grunts to indicate who and what they want. ("First say 'hello', Dear, then tell me who you are and who you would like to speak to. Use please and thank you.")

Next time I'm in Tuscon, I'll be sure to police the Walmart there in honor of your grandmother.

Thank you MOTW.

Obviously I have trouble teaching manners, as I'm still learning mine.

Next time you're in Tucson, I'll owe you some beer!

Tell you what: I'll bring the beer if you'll teach me the art of buggy bashing. Deal?

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