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July 31, 2004


Mr. Barry, you are sick, find help A.S.A.P.
You are not funny at all, your comments in the Miami Herald today were disgusting, you are the only cockroach I can see, I can not understand how you are working for the Miami Herald with all your limitations.
Aaron Goldschmith
Attorney at Law
Miami Beach


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I like how this jackass basically tried to insult you with the lame ass cockroach comment and then left his "regards."

Apparently cockroaches (read: Aaron Goldschmith) have never heard of semi-colons. Perhaps he's an attorney for the illiteracy movement?

Oh, excuse me. After careful re-reading of Dave's satiric masterpiece, I realize that Goldschmith
must be a PETI member (People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects.)

So, Dave, it turns out you're not funny. Good thing this guy let you know so you won't have to waste any more of your life trying to be a humor columnist.
I just re-read the article this fellow is referring to and I honestly can't see what could have upset him so. Perhaps he was in charge of the protest area. Or pest control.

must be a PETI member (People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects.) "

Yer right, that must be it.

You got real hate mail, Dave? It's like my life goal to get a piece of hate mail that stupid.

Hmmm. Let's see. By mentioning that he's an attorney are we supposed to give more strength and credibility to Mr. Goldschmith's opinion? Why didn't he just sign his name?

After reading his note with its lack of adequate punctuation I have even LESS respect for lawyers . . . and I already had none.

Where's Mr. Language Person when you need him?

And since you are less than pond scum, Dave, why does Mr. Goldschmith even read your stuff?

Speaking of roaches, Goldschmith needs to eat a parfait.

Dave's a cockroach? I thought the cockroach with the typewriter was "archy"... let me ask Mehitabel about this.

Well, I for one can see exactly where he's coming from, I don't blame him one bit! I'd be pissed off too if I was him. I really don't think he really read your column though. I think someone told him you condone the eating of live Cockroaches, and of course as a lawyer this must of totally disgusted him. I mean imagine Dave, What if someone condoned the the feasting upon of print journalist? You would be rightfully appalled! I mean the think about it, I'm sure this lawyer is thinking: "first cockroaches, could lawyers be far behind???" And of course he's right! If you reference your Rand McNally Official Food Chain, you will notice tha on page 29, under the heading: Insects and other spinless pest. Lawyer is listed directly below the Giant Cockroach (who's Genus by the way, and I'm not making this up, is Blabus. So of course the lawyer would have to be blabus Maximus.) So as you can see, this lawyer is in fact just fearing for his life.

That written statement hardly looked like the writing of an educated professional, or a lawyer.

Seems to me more likely that his mother mailed it for him.

I hope this guy doesn't talk the way he writes.

And is anybody impressed that he's a lawyer? Oooo, wow, a LAWYER! In Florida! IN MIAMI! NEVER!

He's just jealous of your endoskeleton, Dave.

You got real hate mail, Dave? It's like my life goal to get a piece of hate mail that stupid.

I recommend becoming a moderator for a busy online message-board or e-mail list.

Voltaire sent the most famous hate mail:

"I am seated in the smallest room in the house. I have your letter before me. Soon it will be behind me."

Too bad the lawyer couldn't compare!
(no offense, Dave! we love ya, but I am a connoiseur of hate mail)

how impressive, an attorney. crapweasel ambulance-chasing goniff [crook]. he cant even write right. bet he has lots of clients, sure.

I Googled AND Yahoo'd "Aaron Goldschmith" in Miami and all of Florida, both general, yellow pages and 411 People Search, and he doesn't exist. Perhaps he spelled his name wrong?

Cameo weekend appearance. I, for one, thought his letter was rather threadbare.

Back to romancing Madeleine Albright. I'll czech youse out later.

Dave might be a cockroach, but at least he isn't an ambulance chasing cockroach. : )

Tim - nice burn.


Dave ... that letter was clearly written by that jock kid from your old high school whose date you stole for the Senior Prom ... remember? Word on the street is that he's been working in bail bonds but is trying his hand at fiction writing these days, since that whole acting thing turned ugly after the Days Of Our Lives fiasco ... be sure to send him a Dave Barry for President sticker and pin ... I bet Robert MacMillan has a few extra he might be willing to part with for a small fee ... if you can just pull him away from Maddie Albright ;)

Cockroach for President...
(really, the best candidate to date...)

You could have your Cockroach National Convention in Miami Beach, right near Mr. Goldschmith's retirement villa/condo.

I googled the name with no specification of area and got this response:

Did you mean: "Aaron Goldsmith "

No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - "Aaron Goldschmith " - did not match any documents.


- Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
- Try different keywords.
- Try more general keywords.

I think we have discovered the inspiration behind electric toilets. A sh** that big wouldn't flush down a normal toilet.

Waxwing, if you are a connoisiuor of hate mail(and susequent comeuppense) check out this:


Are there 'Attorneys at Law' in Miami? Isn't it hot enough there as it is?

Too many lawyers and only one Dave Barry on the planet, the way I see it.

All his... Pulitzer Prize-winning limitations.
It's sad how many people can't tell the difference between 'not funny' and 'no sense of humour.'

Anyone else notice that he has "Miami Beach" on a separate line from "Florida". Why'd he stop with "Florida"? Go on and tell us where you really are, you dope!

James Wright
Not an Attorney at Law
United States
North America
Western Hemisphere
Planet Earth
Solar System

Oh yea!

Listen to that grinder churn!

"More victims! Dave & Judi."

You people are hilarious! Someday someone is going to push Dave too far and he is going to release their e-mail address to us . . .

*muaa haaaa haaa haaa*

Mr. Aaron Goldschmith may be impressed that he is an attorney - but Martindale.com - the leading legal resource for finding lawyers, isn't. Seems they neither list nor rate any attorney by that name. Could be a cockroach impersonating an attorney.

Yo - y'all are misreading this entirely. It's a love letter, in the tradition of combination street slang and misunderstanding of word origins.

Let me translate:

Mr. Barry, you are sick, find help A.S.A.P.
Mr. Barry, you are [sick is like phat, it stands for "so interesting chicks kill"], find help [ASAP stands for "anywhere sexy apes please" on the street, yo].
You are not funny at all, your comments in the Miami Herald today were disgusting,
You are not funny at all [he forgot the "just" after the word "not"], your comments in the Miami Herald today were disgusting, [disgusting from the latin root "dis" meaning "frikking" and "gusting" meaning "hilarious to the point of spleen rupture"]
you are the only cockroach I can see,
This is a classic 16th century poetic metephor - translates similar to "your eyes are like succulant grapes caught in the sockets of your skull, only brown and functional"
I can not understand how you are working for the Miami Herald with all your limitations.
Now that you understand the above, you see that he is combining sarcasm with a compliment, could be read "How is it that you are not already the President of the United States, or even the Milky Way by now?"
"I love you and want to suck your pinky toe"
Aaron Goldschmith
"My parents did not much care for me"
Attorney at Law
"I also don't much care for me"
Miami Beach
"At least until my refrigerator box disintigrates entirely, then look for me near Palm Beach, where my cousin has a dumpster"
"I'm an excellent driver"

I saw this guy’s add during a Jerry Springer episode:

Announcer: Have you always dreamed of winning a multi-million dollar jury settlement? Have you ever thought of the possibility of a painful injury that you could blame on someone else? Have you ever stubbed your toe on the curb in a poorly constructed parking lot?

Goldschmith: Hi, I’m Aaron Goldschmith, Attorney at law, Miami Beach, Florida, with the law firm of Cockroach, Crapweasle and Goldschmith, et. al., Esq., P.A., Inc. ™ ®. I know how to wring every last humorless penny out of an unsuspecting defendant, and only take 66% as my cut!

Client 1: Aaron Goldschmith represented me when I read a Dave Barry column and didn’t get the joke. He sued the Miami Herald for publishing things that went over my head – and he won! Now I have free Internet access to everything the Herald published (registration required.) Thank you Aaron Goldschmith! We’re going after the National Enquirer next.

Goldschmith: So when you have the urge to sue, call me! Standing up for your right to laugh – or not - I’m Aaron Goldschmith, attorney at law, Miami Beach Florida.

Being insulted by an illiterate lawyer has to be considered the highest form of flattery.


Hee hee hee hee hee....(tears streaming...yummy, gooy cinnamon roll bits spewed onto the 'puter screen...children with wide, fearful eyes peaking in the room to see if mom has finally lost her last marble) HEEE hee hee hee hee!!!

*shoots Christobol*
Wow that was just way too corny! Methinks someone is trying way too hard.

*clotheslines lurker and feeds him/her to fluffy in the MOAT*

No one shoots christobol on my watch.

I think that Mr. Goldschlager needs to get laid. And, since he is a lawyer, he's used to the idea of billing by the hour, he'll shouldn't have a problem finding a willing biped for rent.

"willing biped"? Hopefully one without feathers this time!

Thanks Punky.

Lurker - you're in good company. My mother always said I was one of the most trying people she knew.

Round of applause for Christobol...

*pokes remains of lurker that come out of the other end of Fluffy* That's what you get when you mess with Punky...

How come I never get any good hate mail? My blog's not much, but surely it must offend someone.

Anyway, yeah, I've been ruminating on what this guy's so upset about:
As Dave's comments on conventions and cockroaches tend to mock both parties evenly, it's hard to imagine what has got this attorney so worked up, unless he is one of those unfortunate individuals who are humor-impaired... Since those who are unable to recognize intentional humor also tend to be prime sources of unintentional humor, it is kinder and way more entertaining just to let them rant and then laugh at them behind their backs.

FYI -- either this guy can't spell his own name or he's not a lawyer. I did a search through the Florida Bar and there is no lawyer anywhere in Florida named Goldschmith or anything like it.

And by the way, we don't all hate you, Dave! (And we don't all chase ambulances....somebody has to fight for the poor defenseless multi-billion dollar corporations!)

Jeez, guys...

Maybe Dave changed the name to protect the far from innocent. (And himself from being sued)

Maybe it's a composite letter?

I didn't change anything -- that's the name he gave in the email.

OMG!!! Dave!!!

So how's it goin', dude?

*Polly leans against the wall and polishes her fingernails on the front of her coconut bra as she struggles to remain cool and calm.*

And have I mentioned I've got a webcam? (wink! wink!)

Yeah, Polly, you have. But we're still waiting for the proof, and the secret of the standing on your head thing. (nudge nudge)

News item: Shot fired; key to city awarded.

Blogland - A shot was fired in "we feel the love" comment section earlier this week. Investigators report that intended victim, Christobal, was unhurt and intelectually functional.

Witnesses reported seeing alleged assailant, lurker, attempting to shoot Christobal with a small caliber handgun. The attempt was evidently thwarted by celebrity,"Punky Brewster," who prevented further shots from being fired by restraining the alleged assailant.

"She just clotheslined lurker, and heaved him into the water," said observer Higgy. "I think he was scarfed up by a large reptile. He might be in that turd over there."

Strapping young uniformed police officers who reported to the scene spent time questioning Punky at Municipal headquarters. They noted movement in the dragon doots, but did not investigate further. "Our investigation was pursuing a more important lead" one officer explained.

At municipal headquarters, the mayor and chief of police acknowledged the service to the community provided by Punky Brewster in a "key of the city" ceremony.

Photos were taken, but were unavalable by printing deadline.

Wow. I rest my case. I mean thanks, that was more really lame "gee aren't I so clever" trying-too-hard unfunny material than I could ever hope for. Congratulations for demonstrating my point again. Especially Christobol and Deontologist.

1. adsl terminal unit - reMOAT
2. adsl terminal unit reMOAT
3. apple reMOAT access
4. artur tiMOATo da costa
5. atmosphere reMOAT sensing
6. ballyMOAT
7. bankruptcy reMOAT entity
8. barMOAT
9. barMOAT court
10. bcl-xl/bcl-2 associated death proMOATr
11. bcl xl bcl 2 associated death proMOATr
12. bergMOAT
13. black MOAT
14. blood MOATs
15. burghMOAT
16. caMOAT
17. carcinogenicity proMOATr
18. chromato-sud / airMOATc group
19. chromato sud airMOATc group
20. comMOAT
21. constituative proMOATr
22. constitutive proMOATr
23. coproMOATr
24. cosMOAT
25. cosMOATllurian
26. crane reMOAT
27. deMOAT
28. deMOATd
29. deMOATs
30. desMOATric medicine
31. dibroMOATtrafluoroethane


Wow... nice digs. Who chose a cruise ship for the new MOAT?

Good thing we brought Isaac the bartender along...

Can I have a cosMOATpolitan?

*Picks cabin with balcony overlooking the pool deck*

*pops in for quick cosMOATpolitan*

*checks out new digs*

This is really nice. I never saw the other before it got overrun with monkey doots and sort-of sticky-floored from spilled drinks.

I know this is really LTTG, but I have to say, I have been having no luck with the nicknames on the blog today. Really bad pirate name. And now I find out that my porn name is Cerberus Troika.

What kind of work am I going to get with that?

My porn name is Rex Atlantis… err….was…no wait…would be!

If it's the Love MOAT, can I be Doc?

Ah, forget it........I'm more like Gopher........

Excellent. Love MOAT.

Rhealist, with a name like Cerberus Troika you'd be a great Starship Enterprise captain!

*slowly begins setting up her lab equipment.

Somebody better bring the Boshkney over I can't control her/him anymore.

Glad to see things moving along. Catch up later

"Note: Tote smoat groats to the MOAT boat so they float," wrote a dote.

*surfaces and glides up to Love Moat with improved water-vetted blurkmobile a la James Bond*

"Permission to come aboard?"

I left a note and turned off the lights.

*looks for the shrimp buffett*

There it is!! And Isaac, I'd like a Pina Moatlita, please.

Ahhh, it's a lovely day at sea.

Sorry, Isaac, I meant a Pina MOatolada...too busy trying to fit this in during lunch in RL.

But it's STILL a lovely day at sea.

*climbs down off top of Smoator Home.. looks around*

Nice digs.

*grabs a handful of shrimp and a cosMOATpolitan n slinks off into the shadows again*

*breathing quietly so as to not get on Peri's nerves* Never had to quit (having never started) but there are still days when some peoples breathing can get on my nerves. Guess it's a good thing I don't have a significant other, my breathing would probably get on his nerves at times as well.

*grabs a cosMOATpolitan* Back to work.

Phew! Hey...I think we should go dancing on the Promenade Deck tonight. Maybe that handsome Gopher will be there.


"... and the Lord SMOAT the lying crapweasels, and the bars in which they hung about were laid to Burnination!"

We've got a brig!

How sweet is that!?

**goes to look for a nice 3rd deck suite with an ocean view**

I'll see you all in a bit after I unpack. That, and after I get a chance to break away from RL. God, I hate Mondays.

Peri: Great Love MOAT lyrics. Now if only I could get the song out of my head...

Polly: You could be on to something with the Star Trek job. As I spend most of my time out in space anyways... Plus, I can think of many interesting usages for the command 'Engage'

As a newbie, am I consigned to swabbing the deck for a time?

*gets out mop and puts on cute, co-ordinated sailor outfit.*

Not quite french maid, but it'll do, I hope

I'm so glad that California can keep up with the times

Okay, sex with the deceased is gross. Sex with deceased children or elderly is gross and disgusting beyond my ability to put into words.

But I need to ask: what's the attraction with necrophilia in the first place? I thought guys don't like it when women just lay there?

Most guys like a little interaction, I know I do. This article brings to mind some of the transcripts from the Green River Killer trial. He was a truly disturbed individual

*runs up to whatever the front of the Love Moat is called, balances on railing and spreads arms out*

"I'm the king of...well...this railing!"

*goes to find quarters with poor Irish partyers belowdecks*

*decides to pretend he can draw, hoping naked women will just show up*

*hates that frikken movie*


*Pulls up in, (scroll down to the 4th pic) this *

If you haven't read, I suggest you pick up a copy of EKAT(Electric Koolaid Acid Test)

Us Moators remind me of Miss Elle and the Merry Pranksters in a sick twisted Dave Barry kinda way.

Speaking of sick and twisted;

Ah but on the contrary, Rhea. I thought women loved to have it stay stiff for longer than two minutes?

Just sayin.......

Criscobol. Sure. C'mon down belowdecks with the rest of poor us Irish lads (There's not exactly a basement on the LoveMoat)

You are more than welcome to stay here with us if ya like, but you'll be finding no quarters here my blogfriend, hence the reason we're poor.

And I don't have the foggiest idea why, either.

*Passes Christobol two pints of Guiness*

Peri: I'll handle the bad dancers if you take on any second-rate television stars who show up hoping to revive flagging careers.

Mr. Fisher: I've never bothered to time it before. Volunteers?

> Us poor, no syntax having Irish lads I meant to type

Hey Mr. Fisher,

Should we rename the boat "Further"?

One of my favorite books of all time. Not that I have any experience with that sort of thing...ahem..

Damn, I even spelled it right before I corrected myself....that was supposed to be "Furthur". I was also very saddened at the news of Mr. Kesey's death a couple years back.

Also, On the Road is a great book.

Thanks Fisher.
*puts notes in the bottles with nothing to say overboard*

Rhealist - you got a digital watch that measures in hundredths?

**goes to find some OJ for DJT**

Here ya go, I found some bubbles too. Always gave me that funky all is right with the world feeling.

**goes to look for some more trip-toys**

One blacklight with various psychadelic posters, one book of Escher's work, and one pair of 3-D glasses.
That should help!

Peri - no worries put Boshkney in the aft storage compartment for safe keeping till I come up with an antidote or something useful for HeShe to do....

Captain, we've got Klingons on the starboard bow, the starboard bow, the starboard bow.

Aye Aye Capin' Booger!

I suggest we Scours the poop deck in search of loose Alcohol.

And here BrianB you can hook up all this electronic sound recording equipment, speakers and the like, get DjT to help you. And here's something for everyone to decorate the LoveMoat with.

*Passes out DayGlo paints*

Christobol: Have a little faith!

*brings out sundial*

Oh, and BrianB you can Hang a sign on the Bow of the LoveMoat that reads


And one on the whatever they call the ass end of the ship that reads


That'd be swell. (Terrible attempt at pun)

the worthless word for the day is: sororal

of or pertaining to or characteristic of a sister or sisters; sisterly [cf. fraternal]

As in "The sororal bond between Muffy and Tipsy could be traced back to their (not they're) days in the Tri-Delt house."

Or "After their (not they're) date with the football team, Muffy and Tipsy both had sororal cavities."

*Wanders in wearily after a week's absence*
*Looks around blearily*
Hi gang, what's up? Why am I dressed like Sonny Bono in the 70's?
And how come my porn name is Pepper Cienega?

(I spent Saturday trying to climb Mt. Whitney - didn't quite make it)

Oh well, try, try again. Anybody got a Smoatarita?


While I am both laughing and saddened by your misfortune, I have to ask, where is the pirate name generator?

My condolences on the fruit.


Does he address people as "girl" (or "guuuuuurl") regardless of gender?

Girl, that's a dead give away.

I don't know if it's the "official" pirate name generator, but I found two.

I'm either:

Black Sam Kidd


Pirate Quinn the Bald.

Guess I'll be shaving my head tonight.

wow... feeling the love thing...
*orders a coSMoAT, downs it in one go, and totters up to the lido deck to dive into the pool

Oh crap - djtony just outed me. Wife's not going to be happy about this!

"I go galavanting around Europe and come home to find you GAY?"

"It was the dancing, honey. My arms, they were elevated."

djtonyb, except when cupping the hand a little into an airfoil-like shape out the window of a car going 80 mph on the interstate, just to see how much lift your hand can generate, thereby nearly ripping your arm off your chest.

Then, and only then, it's permissible.

OMG!!! Charro!!! I LOVE her!!!

*Runs up to Charro and asks if she'll teach me proper maraca shakin' form.*

it's ok cbol.. if you do decide on a lifestyle change the mountain oysters will make you HUGELY popular in certain circles

I think you're wrong there, djtonyb. I'm about as straight as one can get and I do that all the time. Especially when dirty dancing. ;-) For that matter, have you ever seen Animal House? Remember 'Shout' and the dance that goes with it?

But if he isn't coping (sp?) subtle little feels during the slow dance, she's got something to worry about...

ROFLMAO @ Christobol! Another coke snorter! Do you have any idea what that does to my sinuses?

*Comes back 20 minutes later in Carmen Marada-esque outfit with fruit salad hat.*

Hey, guys!! Look what Charro gave me!! She said I have a natural talent and wants me to be her backup maracaist tonight at the show!

*drags self out of pool, takes towel from doc and heads to the masseuse's room with another cosmoat in hand*

gotta go for the day ... have fun and save a few of those yummy looking attendants for me tonight please

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