Dave Barry's Blog

MOAT STORY

An oldie but a goodie.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using bats.

(Thanks to Dave Dilegge)

COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO

It's a big one.

(Thanks to Mac)

A MOVIE WE WANT TO SEE

Attack of the Killer Toilets

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

ATTENTION, ATKINS DIETERS

Have you got your trendy Atkins gear yet?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WE CAN FEEL THE LOVE

Mr. Barry, you are sick, find help A.S.A.P.
You are not funny at all, your comments in the Miami Herald today were disgusting, you are the only cockroach I can see, I can not understand how you are working for the Miami Herald with all your limitations.
Regards
Aaron Goldschmith
Attorney at Law
Miami Beach
Florida

ATTENTION, GUYS

You don't have to keep everything in your pants.

(Thanks to Bill Crider)

COURTSHIP ADVICE FROM THE WORLD OF SCIENCE

Females don't like it if you skip any of the steps. (Why do they need proof before they get it?)

(Thanks to Jorge Gomez)

IF WE WERE YOU, WE'D ORDER NOW

Because these babies won't last long

FEAR STALKS THE STREETS

... of Kansas City.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

EVIL SQUIRREL UPDATE

They're attacking in Canada.

(Thanks to Dan Sauberlich)

PROTECTION

Don't forget the condoms, or you'll be .... sari.

(Thanks to all the people who sent this in. They're not to blame.)

IS NOTHING SACRED TO THESE TERRORIST BASTARDS?

Now they're going after sardine museums.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

A LONG TRADITION

Guys will be guys.

(Thanks to Sam Farris and Chris Miller, who adds, "Search for ancient remote control continues...")

CONVENTION UPDATE

Part deux ummm.... cinco.

LONG AFTER THE EARTH HAS CRASHED INTO THE SUN, AND ALL LIFE ON THE PLANET HAS BEEN WIPED OUT

...Cher will still be on her farewell tour.

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Finally, they are taking action against wanton subway criminals.

(We're using "wanton" in the sense of "wanton something to eat.")

(Thanks to mplatz)

EVEN FOR HEARTLESS TERRORIST BASTARDS, THIS IS LOW

Now they're using bunnies.

(Thanks to Andy Senior)

SEPT. 19 IS COMING

And you need a good reference work.

(Thanks to Peter Gregory)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Crafty Sheep

(Thanks to Fi Craig)

THOSE HEARTLESS TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using cows.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

STEP 3: PREPARE YOUR STALLION

Hey, horses have needs, too.

(Thanks again to Drew Harchick)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

We can't believe we missed out on this.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ATTENTION, LAWYERS

Here's a breakthrough in legal defense strategies.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

CONVENTION UPDATE

In yet another story that is being totally ignored by non-blog Big Media, the city of Boston -- despite all the so-called "security measures" -- remains dangerously vulnerable to the ever-present threat of molasses.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BREAKFAST

It's the most important meal of the day, man.

(Thanks to Lisa Arthur and Shelley Acoca)

ROBERT MACMILLAN CAVES ENDORSES THE CAMPAIGN

NOTE: The candidate notes that it's kind of a threadbare photo.

WHEN CELL PHONES ARE OUTLAWED...

No, wait. Apparently they have been, here in Florida.

(Thanks to Trystan Shout)

A YOUNG PERSON WEIGHS IN ON THE ISSUES

UPDATE

Here I am at a famous Boston tourist attraction, Cheers, moments before the entire Boston metropolitan area was wiped out by the giant freak earthquake that is being totally ignored by Big Media, although members of the blogging community are staying right on top of this story by offering their opinions, both pro and con.

SURGING THROBBING (AND MEATY) CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Mr. Candidate --

Just so you don't think we're slacking here at your campaign Field Office --and in keeping with the theme of your Convention update today -- following is a picture of wrestler Mick Foley endorsing you.  We're on the cleavage as well. See picture of Erin "It's time we demanded less" Brockovich, doing same.  Seems to me that it is also a good time to remind the American people that Ben "I'm everywhere" Affleck was here first.

The Field Coordinator

(NOTE: Thanks to Ted, who is solely responsible for all endorsement photos, not to mention insane, for the reminder about Ben [see below]. In sending these photos, he added, "I would have tried to get a pic of Kerry somewhere along the way but I was afraid of his wife.")

LEST WE FORGET

We know who the real candidate is, and so do the people of Boston.

(Further celebrity endorsements can be found here by clicking on the "Dave Barry in 20002004" button.)

MORE FUN WITH FACT-CHECKING

From Mr. MacMillan of the Washington Post. (See page 2)

Mysteriously,

The Stealth Bloggerette

NOTE: Feel free, Dave Barry fans, to send comments on this column directly to Robert MacMillan.

AUCTION ITEM OF THE DAY

Finally, a place to keep all your Barry Manilow albums.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CONVENTION UPDATE

The situation here remains uneventful, other than the freak earthquake that has wiped out the entire Boston metropolitan area. Of course you will read nothing about that in the non-blog Big Media, such as the so-called "Washington Post."

CONVENTION UPDATE

Cleavage wrestling.

(Thanks to DaveB2038)

WHALE UPDATE

And it gets worse when they reach adolescence.

UH-OH

The whales are striking back.

Key Quote: "My wife has this terrific fear of whales and every time you go near a boat she is always talking about 'Don't go near whales.'"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

URGENT BREAKING CONVENTION UPDATE (ATTENTION, WASHINGTON POST)

This blog just took a walk from the FleetAllOneWordCenter to a completely different part of Boston, and there was nothing happening there either.

URGENT BREAKING CONVENTION UPDATE (ATTENTION, WASHINGTON POST)

This blog just took a walk from the FleetAllOneWordCenter to a completely different part of Boston, and there was nothing happening there either.

MEATY

AND threadbare. It's two, two, two posts in one.

CONVENTION UPDATE

Mustn't forget the actual news.

(Thanks to A. Shill)

ANOTHER ENTRY DESIGNED TO GIVE THIS BLOG A "MEATIER" LOOK FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE WASHINGTON POST BLOG CRITIC

There continues to be virtually nothing happening here in Boston. We will continue to provide you with our personal blog-style "take" on this situation as warranted by the constantly developing lack of events..

IN CASE WE WEREN'T FAT ENOUGH

Now we don't even have to chew.

(Thanks to Donald Bebel)

OH GIVE ME A HOME

Where the buffalo roam....

Or maybe not.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

CONVENTION UPDATE INTENDED SOLELY TO KEEP THE WASHINGTON POST BLOG CRITIC FROM CALLING THIS BLOG "THREADBARE"

There is nothing happening here.

TOUR DE LANCE

Por favor.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, of course)

WAY TO CHECK YOUR FACTS, MR. MACMILLAN

The stealth bloggerette ain't named "Barry." Or Shill.

Hmph.

(Yes, sorry, you have to register)

ATTENTION, GUYS

Time to get in touch with your feelings. 8-P~~~

(Thanks to Angie)

VAGUELY DISTURBING CONVENTION REPORT

"This is me with a presidential candidate named Vermin Supreme."