« May 2004 | Main | July 2004 »

June 18, 2004

SPANK THE MONKEY

(Thanks to Graz.)

(This game is unrelated to the previous item. We think.)

INFORMATIVE HANDOUT

Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who, though lacking in vowels, has never been known to make monkey sounds, that we know of.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Swingin' Bear-Spooked Moose

(Thanks to Dave Dilegge)

WHY WE'RE INTIMIDIATED BY THE BRITISH

They have class.

(Thanks to Mac)

ADVISORY TO THOSE WHO WOULD WEAR THE "CURLY TOP" SUIT IN UTAH

Be careful.

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

ATTENTION, TRAVELERS

Here is your European Women Hairiness Report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using buzzards, the buzzard-using bastards.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

DEVASTATING NEWS

IS there nothing left to believe in?

June 17, 2004

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

Here's an excellent application. Draw the bow back.

(Thanks to Laudio)

CREEPING FASCISM IN OREGON

This is the first thing the Nazis tried to stop.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ROMANCE UPDATE

This blog has discussed this story in depth with this blog's close personal friend Gene Weingarten, and it is our feeling, as sensitive men, that this relationship could be on shaky ground.

(Thanks to Bob Hopf)

WE'RE POSTING THIS LINK SO PEOPLE WILL STOP SENDING IT TO US

Moo.

WE KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING TO BE THIS WEEKEND!

Nowhere near here.

WHY GOLF IS SO EXCITING

There's just, like, nonstop action.

THIS IS WHY CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE EXPOSED TO NEWSPAPERS

Octopus porn.

(Thanks to gretchencs)

WHY GUYS MAKE SO MANY IMPORTANT DISCOVERIES

They have scientific curiosity.

(Thanks to Mac)

THE WAR ON SQUIRRELS

We're losing, people.

(Thanks to Barbara Goldstein and DavCat14)

IF YOU'RE PLANNING TO ATTEND A CONFERENCE ON SEXUAL VIOLENCE

Be careful.

(Thanks to Jen O'Callaghan)

BAD NEWS FOR GUY VOLES

They've discovered a wussy gene.

(Thanks to many people, including Brad B., who points out that "Lusty Meadow Voles" would be a good name for a rock band.)

THIS BLOG CANNOT STAND THE EXCITEMENT

Not only is Saturday Dairy Goat Awareness Day, but TODAY is his birthday!

(Thanks to literally millions of people)

June 16, 2004

GET READY TO PARTY HEARTY

Because you KNOW what Saturday is, right, dudes and dudettes?

Key Quote: "I couldn't find anybody who wanted to do it, so I did it myself."

(Thanks to Dave "Dave" Dilegge)

HEY PETA

Why do you stand idly by and do nothing about this?

(Thanks to unfuzzy)

MEDIEVAL SCHOLARS

.... can be such c***s.

(Thanks to Matt Mesmer)

GIANT CHEETO DEFENDED

Dave,

I am Tom Straub. Owner of the bar in which the Giant Cheeto lies in state.

Thank you for the mention in your recent column. However, please rescind your statement about the Giant Cheeto not being all that visually impressive. How can one say such a thing having never set your eyes upon it yourself?

Some quotes re: the Giant Cheeto

Jimmy Kimmel: "Wow! That's one big Cheeto!"

Lisa Buscher a.k.a. The Cheeto Princess recently crowned on the Cheeto's 1st Anniversary: "I love the Cheeto. If stranded on a dessert island I would rather have the Cheeto with me than Tom Cruise."

Bryce Wilson, radio personality: "The Cheeto has arrived. My life's work is complete."

Frito Lay's Lynn Markley: "This has never happened before....not in our lifetime."

Rick Boisjolie, business mogul: "The Giant Cheeto really put my life back in perspective."

So, if you would be kind enough to encourage people to stop, I and the folks of Algona would be in your debt. In fact, If you could make it known that any making the pilgrimage to the Cheeto Shrine were to chant the following while bellying up to the bar I would buy them either a glass of domestic beer or house wine.

The chant...

Dave Barry, Dave Barry
My soul no longer wary
Redemption is mine
You pontificating swine

For I have traversed the roads and cast aside my woes in this the Giant Cheetos enlightening glow

For in life's quest for snackfullness and fulfillment you bring peace, catharsis and a dangerously cheesy calm

In lieu of the above they could just say...

Dave Barry's mom wears thongs. And not on her feet.

That would earn them either an import beer or a premium wine.

Thanks,

Tom, King of the Incas

Dessert island?

ATTENTION, POLYGAMISTS

Searching for a place where you won't get busted?

(Thanks to Steve Regn, who prefaced the link with this highly dangerous paragraph: "You forgot to take the trash out again. How many times do I have to tell you to put a coaster under that? Do you think all I have to do all day is follow you around and pick up your underwear? You never talk to me anymore. Harry up the street just took all his wives to see a Broadway play, you've never taken us to do that. Honestly, I'll never understand why you're so cheap. When are you going to lose weight?" I'm convinced that all polygamists are either stark raving nuts or deaf as a post.)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW

And let's face it, guys will probably be happy about this.

(Thanks to Laurie Larsen)

ANOTHER DISAPPOINTING WEBSITE

http://www.lick-a-chick.com/

(Thanks to Mike Seidel)

LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU

Never go to a bar without your crutch.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher, who sent in the version of this story that contained the finest writing! And quotes, quotations, and stuff.)

YOU WILL NOTICE...

...that this blog is not gloating at all about the fact that the Pistons kicked the Lakers' sorry old overpaid butts, nor the fact that L.A. resident Ted Habte-Gabr, who has yet to win any kind of bet against this blog, ever, now owes this blog still MORE beer hahahahahaha.

But it is not our style to "rub it in." You're welcome.

AMAZING YET ALSO SOMEHOW DISTURBING SCIENCE FACT OF THE WEEK

Squirrels use infrared against snakes.

(Thanks to Cherie Priest)

Key Quote Revealing How Weird Scientists Are: To this end, he has designed 'robosquirrel', a stuffed squirrel with a heating element in its tail. "It's nearly ready to go," he says.

FUN PET OF THE DAY

Here, kitty kitty....

(Thanks to Dave Dilegge)

AS PART OF OUR ONGOING EFFORT TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING ANYTHING USEFUL DONE

We present.... this.

(Thanks to Mike Hapner)

POETRY CORNER

Dear Judi (hi, Dave!),

Surely somebody has reminded you of graffiti I've seen many times on many
different ladies' room stalls:

If you sprinkle
When you tinkle,
Be a sweetie
Wipe the seatie!

Your point, in a poem. OK, in a rhyme.

Pam Regis

This blog has not seen that one, because this blog generally frequents men's rooms, where you see poems like this:

This is a teepee

Where you do your peepee

This is not a wigwam

Where you beat your tom-tom

(We believe that was by Longfellow)

WHY WE ARE SO DARNED PROUD TO BE FLORIDIANS, ASIDE FROM HAVING THE WORST DRIVERS IN THE NATION

We also have an Official State Play.

(Thanks to Ty Cone)

FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES ARE ON THEIR WAY

...to this motorist AND his guide dog.

(Thanks to Brad B.)

Update: Another license, and a snorkel, for this motorist.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

Update Update: Also to this motorist.

(Thanks to Karen Satlin)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using bees.

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

June 15, 2004

PRODUCTIVITY PLUS

That's all, folks!

(Thanks to Lee Foster)

WE GOT YER PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER RIGHT HERE

Now that's what I'm talking about.

(Thanks to Bill Crider)

ADVISORY

We have been informed by our computer that our server is down. We frankly didn't know that we had a server, and we also do not know at this time what might be getting it, or him, or her, down. But right now we can't check the mail, which means there is a very real danger that, while this crisis lasts, you may get some actual work done. We apologize for the inconvenience.

BECAUSE WE'VE HAD SOME REQUESTS FOR PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT APPLICATIONS

Here's an old one, but still a very productive one.

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

CREEPING FASCISM IN WHANGAREI

Now they're saying a man can't speed to get the water off his bonnet!

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE CONTROL OF THE REMOTE

They misuse it.

(Thanks to many people)

COMPELLING ARGUMENT AGAINST A LOW-SALT DIET

Snakes.

(Thanks to many people)

June 14, 2004

LEGAL GROUNDS

Apparently, ignorance IS an excuse.

(Thanks to Austin Ross)

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

Finally, a glimmer of hope for chaperones at middle-school dances.

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

AN EXPENSIVE MISTAKE

Or the prototype for Alien Barbie?

(Thanks to Mike Piedmont)

A GOOD WOMAN COMMENTS ON "THE RULES"

When Judi Smith does open fire I will fight tooth and nail to get on the jury to acquit her. In fact, I have long contemplated writing Miss Manners, but then decided women who pee without regard to anyone's bottom but their own probably don't read her column. The only reason I could figure that #10 wasn't #1 was that it is your column, you are a man, and men seem to pretty much relieve themselves hither and yon, with no regard to leavings. And it doesn't seem to bother the men that come after.

Thank you Judi Smith, and Dave Barry, for bringing this heinous habit to a public forum. Who are these women that feel that "a toilet seat that touched another's buttcheeks shall never touch mine; but here, you go ahead and sit on my pee"?

I'm going to the gym and a movie this afternoon, and I will go armed.

--Pat Whitfield

RIGHT ON, SISTER.

HURRY, LADIES

If you start now, you can have your ribs removed and your waist compacted in time to fit into the new fall fashions. And don't forget the implants!

(Thanks to Dave Sobecki)

BUMMER

Talk about your misleading headlines, dude.

(Thanks to Drew Fields)

HELPFUL SUGGESTION FOR THE LAKERS

Maybe you should hire yet another proven veteran.

 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise