Dave Barry's Blog

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys take action.

(Thanks to many people)

KNURLED SQUID

I had some at an oriental restaurant and I think it's a great name for a rock band.

Karl Schmidt
Topeka, Kansas

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

You need to take a cruise.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

WHEN THE JUDGE ASKS US TO APPROACH THE BENCH

This blog says, no thanks.

(Thanks to reformed lawyer Paul Levine)

THE BIG TIME

Man, does this ever make us feel stupid.

CHER UPDATE

She's still on tour.

Also, we apologize for the minimal blogging today, but we've been actually working, and boy is that ever an inconvenience.

INCREDIBLE AS IT MAY SEEM

Cher is still on her Farewell Tour, which started during the French and Indian War.

TROUBLE IN WHITWICK

Terror stalks Cademan Woods.

Key Quote: Mr Hancock, deputy managing director of confectionery wholesalers of Hancock Holdings, of Loughborough, said no re-enactment group had been given permission to be in the woods, although there was a public footpath through the site.

(Thanks to Fi Craig)

SPECKLES THE LATE CHICKEN UPDATE

We thought we were done with this story (summarized here and here). However, we have received an email from Kathy Dean, whose husband was arrested for allegedly kidnapping Speckles; she feels that the stories linked to in this blog did not tell the whole story, and she wants people to know her husband's side, which is presented here.

This blog wants to state for the record that it has NO idea what happened and is hoping that, in time, all of this will just go away. Thank you.

NATURE PHOTO SEQUENCE OF THE DAY

It's a harsh world out there.

(Thanks to Robert in Austin)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT BUFFALO, N.Y., IS NOT A HIGH-CLASS TOWN

This blog says: Oh yeah?

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

CALIF0RNIA PARENTS: ARE YOUR CHILDREN HYPERACTIVE?

This might explain it.

(Thanks to Connie Chung)

FRANCE: EASILY ALARMED? OR WHAT?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

CREEPING FASCISM IN THE UK

If we let them get away with this, soon enough no artist will be safe.

(Thanks to Rob McCleave)

SPIDER TERRORISM

It's getting worse.

Key Quote: The schoolgirl called her father Melvin, a felt roofer, who immediately recognised a distinctive red marking on the creature as similar to those he had seen on Black Widows in the United States.

Yes, "Melvin and the Felt Roofers" would be a good name for a rock band.

ZOO PORN

This story reminds us of a great old joke about a gorilla and a guy with a pepperoni, but we have WAY too much class to tell it here.

But seriously: Would you have sex with anybody named "Praline?"

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

FACTUAL EMERGENCY

We interrupt this blog to provide some actual information. America Scores, the wonderful group that sponsors the Rock Bottom Remainders' annual tour, will be featured on the Today show, tomorrow morning, Wednesday, June 23rd. (And if tomorrow is not Wednesday, June 23rd, I would appreciate immediate notification, or as soon as possible after someone says "First." Thank you.)

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled regular schedule.

FACTUALITY UPDATE: Friends and Supporters,
We were postponed! We just heard that Katie Couric's extensive interview
with Bill Clinton has caused a delay on the airing of the America SCORES
story! We will now likely air on Friday or sometime next week... stay tuned!

SUMMER READING LIST

Book one.

(Thanks to Brian Heffernan)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're going after David Bowie with lollipops.

(Thanks to Barbara Goldstein)

FIRSTx!

First.

ATTENTION, DINERS IN INDIA

You might want to pass on the fish.

(Thanks to COLLINS69S)

OUR BUSINESS DIRECTORY

This firm is definitely in.

HEY, ALGONA

Top this.

DANG

It's taken.

SCIENCE STRIKES A MAJOR BLOW

...in the War on Sheep Burps

(Thanks to maaaaaaaany people)

BREAKING NEWS FROM BURLINGTON

Terror stalks the streets.

(Thanks to Karin Dixon)

Update: Apparently this link isn't working, either, or requires registration. The story was about a thief stealing flowers in Burlington, Vermont. (Get it? Terror "stalks" the streets! Har! Oh, shut up.) But anyway, while trying to find a working link to that story, this blog stumbled across this story, which is just as good. Or just as bad, depending on your priorities.

Update Update: Some people are saying the first link DOES work. But it doesn't for us. We're still pretty much in the dark about the whole concept of links, which is why we so often fall back on the old standards.

ALGONA STRIKES BACK

Dave,

Just so you know, when I alerted my listeners to your column from last week, I tried to stress that you are a humor columnist. Well, it seems you just can't humor the humorless. The following is a letter to the editor from today's Des Moines Register:

There's more to Algona than just a giant Cheeto

I was so offended by the column by Dave Barry referring to Algona's giant Cheeto ("Zip Past Algona's Cheeto on Summer's Dream Vacation," June 14).

Algona is a great town. We have excellent schools, a YMCA, many parks with unique playground equipment and a swimming pool that is one of the best in the state of Iowa. We also have a prisoner-of-war museum, and in addition to being the home of the world's largest Cheeto we have a nativity scene that was built by the prisoners of war and is viewed by people from all over the world.

Bryce Wilson raised a considerable amount of money for our food pantry when he bought the Cheeto, as the gentleman would not take any money for it and wanted the money Algona had raised for its purchase to go to a local charity.

This past winter, Wilson braved the cold and slid down a huge snowbank in a Speedo. Pledges were made and turned over to the local food pantry. Last month he raised money for the tornado victims in Bradgate. Not bad for a town Barry feels people should not waste precious vacation time by stopping in.

I am proud of Algona and all it has to offer.

Barbara A. Mack,
Algona

I can understand if you folks in the big cities are jealous that we have a YMCA and a swimming pool. Get over it.

Bryce Wilson
KLGA
Algona, IA

THIS IS WAY TOO HARD FOR US, BUT WE REALIZE THAT A LOT OF YOU ARE A LOT SMARTER THAN WE ARE, AND IF YOU WANT TO ENHANCE YOUR PRODUCTIVITY FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, FAR BE IT FROM US TO STAND IN THE WAY

So, here.

(Thanks to Gil Graybill)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

You can buy anything.

Make sure you read the "reviews."

(Thanks to Axel Estable)

GET READY FOR LOW-COST SPACE TRAVEL!

You first.

(Thanks to Wes)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using bed-crushing elk.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BLOGGING ADVISORY

judi informs me that the Miami Herald is, quote, "broken," and she can't blog. I'm not sure if I can. If you can read this, apparently I can. If you can't read this, then... well, then I will be very confused.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

"GIVE IT BACK!"

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE

But somehow, they've managed to make chocolate unappetizing.

(Thanks to Lord G. and gretchencs)

DUNNO IF THIS IS REAL, BUT IF SO...

...it's a cool photo.

(Thanks to Paul Levine)

THE FEDS IN SOUTH FLORIDA

Soft on crime? No way.

(Thanks to many people)

THE TEACHING PROFESSION

Some people just aren't cut out to be teachers.

(Thanks to Chris Kern)

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO VALIDITY TO THIS THEORY

Dave, when you read this, would you please blog something to back me up? Articles like this make me want to cry. They're just so ... wrong. Thanks.

(Thanks to MOTW)

WE HAD PLANNED TO ATTEND THE BUMP OF CHICKEN CONCERT

Now we're glad we missed it.

(Thanks to Mike Wells)

Update: Something bad seems to have happened to this link. We apologize to our readers, and of course to the family of the link.

Update Update: We think it's working now. Also we're getting tired of this item.

Click MORE for details:

CONTEXT-SENSITIVE ADVERTISING

Flugtag for professionals.

(Thanks to Martin Anderson)

(NOTE: At the moment, herald.com is experiencing technical difficulties, so you won't be able to open the flugtag column. We apologize for the delay. Please feel free to move about the cabin.)

FOR THE DADS OUT THERE

Happy Father's Day, you guys.

TAKE A TIP FROM A MAJOR INVESTMENT BANK

Have sex.

(Thanks to Jason Easterday)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using newspaper-box-dwelling copperheads, which it goes without saying would be a good name for a rock band.

ANOTHER REASON WHY WE LOVE THE BRITISH

They're polite.

(Thanks to Brett Harper)

GRADES GIVEN TO FLAGS OF THE WORLD

Somebody had to do it.

(Thanks to Catherine Conner)

YET ANOTHER THING GUYS HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

Dog support.

(Thanks to Dave Dilegge)

ADVANCES IN OSTEOPATHY

This gives new meaning to the term "medical coverage."

(Thanks to Eric Augustus)

NOT SINCE THE HEYDAY OF MILLI VANILLI

...have we seen entertainment of this caliber.

(Thanks to Michael J. Ester)

CHICKEN SOUP

It's just one of those things that always makes you feel a little better.

(Thanks to Bob Hopf)

IS THAT ASPARAGUS?

Please don't spank the monkey. It isn't the artist.

(Thanks to Leetie)