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June 29, 2004


If this doesn't stop them, nothing will.


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soft policing

for hard criminals

Curious...being forced to listen to Barry Manilow Muzak would make me WANT to go commit violent crimes.

A small neighborhood grocery store near where I live does this. They have several speakers mounted on the roof of the building as well as inside the store and they play Manilow, Neil Diamond, etc.. all night long.

They don't have any problems with kids loitering around the store but according to the local newspaper, the neighbors are ready to burn the store down.

Later this year: The Associated Press reports a large number of criminals and loiterers have committed suicide in Australia.

In other news, Barry Manilow records have tripled in crime ridden areas world-wide.

I can see playing MBM to deter loitering, but I can think of a host of annoying contenders to play before Barry White would make the list.

For example, one summer I interned at a bank and they piped in the Muzak from the lobby into the back room in which we worked. One of the executives who only wandered through the lobby occasionally purchased a 3-CD boxed set of Anne "Ann" Murry's greatest hits to play for the customers. I heard Ann on a continuous loop 40 hours per week for 3 months. I've had seemingly random rage issues ever since.

Dave, should I move the whole thing up to B and fade to the National Anthem?

(Intro: D Dsus2 D D Dsus2 D D Dsus4 D Dsus2 D)

And the sign said "Long-haired freaky people need not apply"
So I tucked my hair up under my hat, and I went in to ask him why
Bm Bm/A Em (?) G6/A (?)
He said "You look like a fine, upstanding young man, I think you'll do"
So I took off my hat and said "Imagine that! Heh, me workin' for you!"
Whoa, sign sign everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
D A C/G D (+ intro suspensions)
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?
And the sign said anybody caught trespassin' would be shot out of sight
So I jumped on the fence and I yelled at the house
"Hey, what gives you the right?

You put up a fence to keep me out but to keep Mother Nature in,

If God was here he'd tell you to your face, "Man you're some kind of sinner!"


Now hey there mister can't you read?
You gotta have a shirt and tie to get a seat
You can't even watch, no you can't even
You ain't supposed to be here........
Sign said you got to have a membership card to get inside...Uhhh!

(instrumental) (then slow)

And the sign said "Everybody welcome, come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate and they emptied it all
I didn't have a penny to pay
Bm Bm/A Em G6/A
So I got me a pen and a paper, and I made up my own little sign
I said "Thank you Lord for thinkin' about me, I'm alive and doin' fine!"



>D C G
>Signs, signs, everywhere signs
>D C G
>Blockin' up the scenery, messin' my mind
>A G
>Do this, don't do that
> C
>Can't you read the signs

We sorted this out on rec.music.makers.guitar.tablature last term - I've got a
copy on my hard disk at home, so I'll bring it in over the weekend.

In the meantime, the chorus goes

Signs, signs, everywhere signs
Blockin' up the scenery, messin' my mind

Police officer: "What'll it be, McCloskey? Another taser zap, or Mandy?"

McCloskey, gasping: "I'll ... I'll ... oh, just give me another taser zap!"


Police Officer: "Take 'im back to his cell, Guard!"

McCloskey: "Thank goodness it's over!"

Forget my rendention of 'One'...my brain is cocaine riddled and I'm set to do a part on Jackass.

Did Donald Rumsfeld sign off on this?

Jason, [email protected] (Peter Mitchell), Dude -
Next time, try using e-mail.

What was the deal where we were playing loud rock
and roll at some holed-up dictator...

Rock the Casbah.

Anyway, I think Celine would also be a good choice.

How about an anthology of Shatner and Nimoy doing their restpective greatest hits.

Wouldn't that fall under the category "cruel and unusual punishment" and therefore should be reserved only for people who cut in line or try to make this blog socially (or any other way) responsible?

Wouldn't playing Barry White possibly increase prostitution in the area? It is the music of luvin, after all.

My point exactly, Meerkat. "I just came here to smoke some crack and/or loiter in a menacing way, but now I feel like a soul-filled love machine."

Yes! Let's take a high crime area, and put up some SPEAKERS!!! That'll work great!


Another idea, rather than donating speakers to the morally deficiant, is actually putting cops in there. I dunno. Just an idea.

Dunno, funk. If the cops can't catch Mr. Toad, how then would they fare against actual criminal persons?

I do think Barry would be more effective in terms of punishment than prevention, though.

What have they been smoking?

I'll listen to Barry Manilow, and then I have a guaranteed get of jail free card. Shoot! They'll PAY me to leave. I'll just start singing along with Barry.

"I write the songs that make the young girls(everyone else) cry..."

"Oh Mandy, you threw me in jail without thinking, then you sent me away, Oh Mandy..."

Given the fact that we've pretty much proven that listening to Barry Manilow songs is a leading cause of brain damage, is this really a good idea? I thought America already had enough dumb criminals without making them even dumber.

Of course, rap causes brain damage even faster, so I guess this would be an improvement over their usual listening fare.

"Soul-Filled Love Machine" WBAGNFARB.

Key quotes:

"The council also voted to again look into plans proposed by Deputy Lord Mayor Richard Hayward to freeze Rymill Park lake for ice-skating in winter."

"PROCEEDED with plans to offer "welcome to the city" stickers to motorists on selected days instead of parking tickets." [Huh???]

Key quotes:

"The council also voted to again look into plans proposed by Deputy Lord Mayor Richard Hayward to freeze Rymill Park lake for ice-skating in winter."

"PROCEEDED with plans to offer "welcome to the city" stickers to motorists on selected days instead of parking tickets." [Huh???]

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