« Previous | Main | Next »

June 22, 2004

FIRSTx!

First.

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

at LAST, you've got it.

Don't make me say it again!

No, I think that LAST post of yours should definitely be your LAST.

You win!!!!

(Catch-22)

Tee-Hee!
The LAST.
Hee-Tee!

I said you win - no need to gloat!

Oh, ok then.

Not so much fun when there's no one to play with, is it?

don't worry, Eleanor, I can LAST out here by myself.

But baby it's cold outside!

This cold weather won't LAST

Ah, alone at LAST *waves to Dave D in shadows*
Don't worry, Dave D, I'll try and mention you in this LAST post of mine.

*waves to Dave D in shadows*

cute trick MPA, pretending to be waving at Dave D when we all know you're one and the same person!

p.s. goood morning - how about writing me another poem - I so loved them and thought they would LAST forever!

hmmm, how about:
LAST,
LAST,
Bo bast!
Banana Fana
Fo Fast!
Me
MyMo
Mast,
Laa-Ast!

LAST - ooops, I mean LAME!

phhbbllbblt! LAST

Hey Android - I am not posting again until you undo whatever it is you did to keep neo out - that's not very nice! neo - for some reason unknown to me - likes you.

Hey! I swear upon my honesty circuits (which,
last time I checked, are all in working order)
that I have done nothing and could not think of
anything to block anyone out, especially someone
who can stand my presence!

Well, neo seems to have
disappeared, so I really
don't know what to say......
Do you think we've seen the LAST of her??
I certainly hope not!

Hmm, her LAST post was about smelling my breath and wandering off confused, so maybe that has something to do with it.

hello????

hey, I can get back in here now! But I can't handle the main blog; the picture with the cheese sandwich is totally messing with my machine.

So, um... where was I going with this again? oh yeah. Last. :)

Whoops. Sorry. Reformatted, that said:

hey, I can get back in here now!
But I can't handle the main blog;
the picture with the cheese sandwich
is totally messing with my machine.

So, um... where was I going
with this again?
oh yeah. Last. :)

Well, this may be my first post here, but
I doubt it will be my LAST.

Eleanor, Marvin is not Dave D.

I think.

I could, of course, be wrong.


It wouldnt' be the first time.


Or even the last.

Susan, your LAST post was not very convincing. I will have to take drastic measures if Just and neophyte are equally fenced.

*wonders what kind of drastic measures Marvin might take*

Susan - I hope to see you here often-
we have to make short sentences
because Marvin aka Dave D f**kd up
the margins!
- and neo, I''m glad that at LAST
you got back

Marvin If you are in fact not Dave D (who is not last), something that I am willing to accept at least temporarily, where is Dave D. Does anyone remember the newest First thread? Perhaps he has transferred his goal of being Last. *Goes off in search of Dave D*

Marvin, I guess you have such a lasting laugh
by virtue of the fact that
you are an android

(if a bit paranoid)

kingw - not only do I remember where
the newest FIRST thread is, but I
have it written down! And if you
start writing in shorter sentences,
I will be hapy to tell you!

But there's a serious problem with
it - film at 11

Eleanor I did not realise that I needed
to put in my sentences. I also found the most
recent first thread. Dave's not there man.
But Slarti is hmmm.

That would be insert a carraige return. stupid
abbreviations.

And so is jensharp, who called
us all morons and said Dave thought
we were morons because of "first"
and she called us "you people", which
in my Jewish neck of the woods (where
is the neck of the woods exactly?)
is a pretty anti-Semitic remark, so
that's why I haven't suggested
going back there (or forward there)
as the case may be!

And I'm sure you know that Slarti has
morphed into Marvin because of some
horrible thing that "Slarti" did,
(I know not what)which caused him
to have to undergo an identity
change!

So you can see it's pretty complicated!
Any suggestions????

Take two and call me in the morning. Actually, call me after you take them! heh heh heh!

*takes two and makes a note to make a phone call in the morning*

*wonders what I just took two of*

Yes, I wasn't sure either, but couldn't resist. It's a classic! kind of like LAST.

Calling Marvin
Hello Marvin
*Silence*
Maybe he meant call him Dave
Dave
Hey Dave

*stage whisper*

Psst! Did anybody notice?
Dave gave up.
We beat him.
He went home.
Dave's not here.

(Aside: There; that ought to draw
him out of the woodwork. I hope.)

neo - you b rought him out of the woodwork! Good job! Don't let the fact that he's using the name Marvin/Paranoid Android fool you! I'm so proud of you, but that's the LASt time I'm going to say it -

Sorry neo - I forgot to use
short sentences - that's the LAST
time I'll make that mistake!!

Marvin - First of all, you have waaaay
too much time on your hands, you
should be studying!
Second, why do you feel such a need
to be mean to me?
and LAST, fix this!!!!

Marvin - First of all, you have waaaay
too much time on your hands, you
should be studying!
Second, why do you feel such a need
to be mean to me?
and LAST, fix this!!!!

Marvin - First of all, you have waaaay
too much time on your hands, you
should be studying!
Second, why do you feel such a need
to be mean to me?
and LAST, fix this!!!!

I guess I really mean what I say
when I inadvertently do a
triple post!!

But at least it's in the correct
format.
That is all.

Post 671

Source for checking the count:
http://weblog.herald.com/column/davebarry/archives/2004_06.html

You-know-what count: 5457 (before stripping...now at 4436 *sniff*)

*whew*

yyz [search marker and cool Rush song]

Marvin Will you be stopping this childish
horseplay after your Last final? For a change say something Nice to Eleanor. I think you might put her over the edge.
But she is a woman and you know how they are
about getting the Last word.

But she is a woman and you know how they are----

care to clarify, kingw??????????
Or do you want to just be killed by a horde
of angry women wearing coconot bras and
carrying spears???

*makes phone call to secret MOAT women's club - crisis alert -meet me in the hot tub ASAP*

So, Marvin, is it now your goal to out last everybody? The original goal was just to outlast Dave D. But we've driven Dave D. away.

So, our job here is done.

blast it all!!!

Take 2:

So, Marvin, is it now your goal to out last everybody?
The original goal was just to outlast Dave D.
But we've driven Dave D. away.

So, our job here is done.

:(

Marvin Consider it an early Christmas gift.
And you still have been nice to Eleanor.
Eleanor I can think of worse ways to go. My
Last sight a horde of coconut bras, I'm good
with that.

Hey, Andriod! (yes, Andriod)

Every time I try to click on your name,
my machine freezes up.

What have you done to my computer?

:P

Sorry, neo! I don't know what the problem is! It seems that the Yahoo ads are creating havoc. I hope the problem will not LAST, as I can't really do anything about it (but I'll try anyway!)

re: other posts - no comment.

Actually, I do have a comment, and that comment is:

LAST

Marvin, send me an email?

Hmm...I posted a rebuttal, earlier, but it seems
to have vanished into hyperspace. Ah well, here's the gist:

neo - sorry. The problem is caused by the ads.
They normally aren't such a pain, but even my
awesome computer is having a little difficulty
opening it.

Everyone else - no comment. Other than LAST.
(if this is a double post, then it is because I reformatted it)

Hmm...I posted a rebuttal, earlier, but it seems to have vanished into hyperspace. Ah well, here's the gist:

neo - sorry. The problem is caused by the ads. They normally aren't such a pain, but even my awesome computer is having a little difficulty opening it.

Everyone else - no comment. Other than LAST.

WOAH! I didn't even need to post those LAST two
posts! But those other three posts didn't appear
on my screen! To quote a classic: "Wowsers!"

And not only that, but the reformatted version posted before the unformatted version!

ain't computers grand?

The letter's in the mail, so to speak. And I'm sure I won't be the LAST to agree with you, neo, on the wonderful-ness of computerology.

Sitting alone in a darkened room,
Drinking my chocolate milk.
Hefting the pint up to my lips,
It's smooth as the finest silk!

Chug a lug, a lug
Look at that madman go!
Chug a lug, a lug
Look at that madman go!

I went a little overboard,
The bottom of the glass I see.
Though it's just an empty glass,
Please don't murder me!

Chug a lug, a lug!
Empty milk carton, alas!
Chug a lug, a lug!
Empty milk carton, alas!

Drank the LAST of chocolate milk,
But I've got this hunch, you see.
Yes it's true! My dreams are real.
I've a Hawaiian Punch, or three.

Chug a lug, chug a lug!
Hawaiian Punch it'll be!
Chug a lug, chug a lug!
A Hawaiian Punch for me!

Ha.

Ah.

Ah.Ha. or
Ha.Ah.

a. H

wait, that's not the answer! It's:

l. AST

Dave D good to see you here again
We were all worried

Marvin and Eleanor it will be up to you
tomorrow to watch Last posts. I will
be taking my Last vacation day of the year.

auf wiedersehen, king. You certainly didn't LAST long, but we understand.

THE LAST TIME
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

Well I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
You don't try very hard to please me
With what you know it should be easy

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no. Oh no

Well, I'm sorry girl but I can't stay
Feelin' like I do today
It's too much pain and too much sorrow
Guess I'll feel the same tomorrow

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no. Oh no

Well I told you once and I told you twice
That someone will have to pay the price
But here's a chance to change your mind
'Cuz I'll be gone a long, long time

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no. Oh no
Well, this could be the last time

LAST jokes anyone? I'll start:

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking Navy man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he'd had sex.

"1956," he immediately replied.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch.

"It's only 2014 now."

Woot! Doing some LAST minute research while you were away?

One more for tonight:

Lonely Fighter Pilot

An Air Force fighter pilot ejected from his jet and wound up on a deserted island. There he stayed, unfound for 11 years.

One day, there appeared a beautiful woman, who simply walked out of the surf.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.
"11 Years," the fighter pilot replied.

"When is the last time you had a cigar?"
"11 Years"
She opened a pocket and gave him a cigar. The fighter pilot took it, and puffed in delight.

"When was the last time you had a drink?," the maiden asked.
"11 Years."

She opens another pocket and pulled out a beer. The pilot drank the whole bottle in one gulp.

"When was the last time you played around?," the lady asked with a gleam in her eye.
"11 years," the deprived pilot replied.

The women started to unzip the front of her wetsuit.
"YOUR'E KIDDING ME?????," said the pilot. "YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!???"

I thought I would check in from home one Last time. Golf clubs good one. Where were you Dave?

Business trip - still on it - but the work is finished - back in hotel room watching Return of the King and searching for LAST jokes;-)

Hmmm. This LAST joke thing is a bit more
challenging, but cueing from Dave D's first one, and oldie but a goodie:

A sex therapist is running a workshop, and he
asks the audience "When was the last time you
had sex? Hands up those who had sex yesterday."

A number of hands go up.

"OK, how many last had sex more than a week ago"

A fair number of hands go up.

"OK, how many last had sex more than a month ago?"

Only a few hands this time.

"OK, how many last had sex up to a year ago?"

One guy up the back of the group, with a huge
grin on his face, shot his hand up.

"My God man, that's terrible! How come you're
grinning like that?"

"Well", replied the man, "my wife and I only
have sex once a year AND TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"

Haha? I don't know. I like this classic:

LAST: "Hey, did you LAST about the LAST LAST?"
LAST: "Yeah! LAST it LAST like it was LAST LAST LAST!"
LAST: "lalalalast!"
LAST: "Smark! LAST!"
LAST: "WTF? LAST!"
LAST: "No! LAST! LAST LAST!"
LAST: *punches LAST* "LAST, LAST, MFGDSOB LAST!"

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls... Both of them at once... Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

That's a good one, Dave.
Was that his LAST confession?

The Last Meal (Caribbean)

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???"

"Yes,plums" says the Bajan.

The warden replies, "but them outa season!"

"So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..."

Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.

The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Famous Last words? Did you ever see the Far Side
cartoon where the guy is lighting the cigarette
for the man about to be executed by a firing
squad, and some lady in a tower is
shouting 'Fire!'? Larson's awesome.

People who tell dumb blonde jokes don't
LAST long around here, Dave D-

And could you please post in a
short format since Marvin stretched
the margins -
Thank you.

Of course, I hope the post above
is the LAST one you do.

Last Words After a Night in Mexico (for Eleanor;-)

Three women go down to Mexico one night,
get drunk, and wake up in jail,
only to find that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead,
is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I am from Grace University,
and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,"
They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette,
is strapped in and gives her last words,
"I am from the Creighton School of Law
and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness,
and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm from the University of Alabama,
Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,
and I'll tell you right now,
you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

'Prostrate' isn't a word people should use lightly.

LAST Request:

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put
to death by firing squad the follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being
very nice to him. But when they asked him if he
wanted something specific for his last meal, he
said he didn't want anything special. When they
asked if there was something special he wanted
to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all
day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing
squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette
and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you
before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even
want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music
is my life. One thing I would really like would
be to sing my favorite song, one whole time
through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

As well as terrible a rhythm.

Bonus points for common sense, but several million points against for good taste.

And the promotion of alcohol consumption! tsk. tsk.

I had a LAST minute dispensation over the promotion of alcohol consumption, given the time of year and the number of Christmas parties that would otherwise be fatally boring.

And I note a complete absence of LASTs in you recent posting. Could it be we have worn you out? Hmmmm?

I am hiding my LASTs anagramatically now.
Not really, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Unless I think of something better.
And more believable.
And booger.

...and you wouldn't be lurking around here
trying to be LAST one for the day, because its
only 3pm here and I've got a full afternoon's
worth of work I can be doing while I wait for you
to fall asleep at the keyboard.

Noooo!!!

Hey, what happened to 'gonna go away' and 'not hang around so much' and stuff? Huh? Couldn't take it? Oh well, outlasting for the day was never my plan, but I do have to wake up in about 8.2 hours, and I really need 10-12 hours to be fully rested. And I still have to tweak the essay. And I like saying tweak. Same with (and Eleanor would agree) morph.
I
wonder
how
tall
the
blog
would
let
this
LAST
post
get?

This isn't wysiwyg - this is his evil twin come
to tormet you while wysiwyg is off slacking around
with work, family and similar trifles.

But you will of course notice that it was
I who actually posted LAST on
December 17 by cunningly waiting until the LAST
minute of the day before clicking "post" while
simulataneously making it appear like I wasn't
interested in ringing the bell!

My e-bay auction-winning skills are paying off at LAST!

Muahahahahaha!

Pah! Coincidence and nothing more than a mere
truffle will set matters right at LAST, the
current company notwithstanding my wrath of
infinite proportionality (minus tiredness).

...OK, make that the LAST to post for December 16. I was so busy gloating that a whole day got past me there (particularly as it has been December 17 all day as far as I am concerned).

And don't try any of the "Yeah but the blog clock is wrong, so you weren't LAST after all" crap on me, time is all just perspective anyway.

« 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... 50 51 »

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Working...
Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.

Working...

Post a comment

Your Information

(Name and email address are required. Email address will not be displayed with the comment.)

-
 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise